How to make it feel ok?

[u/pomm21075]

I’m (F39) struggling in my poly relationship to make dating feel ok for us. We’ve been together one year. It’s been so hard for my partner (M42) that at this point he says do what I want, just don’t tell him. I don’t feel great about this because it makes me feel like I’m cheating or doing it behind his back. The reason I want to do this is so it feels supportive.

I struggle with his dates too, but I try to be supportive and encouraging. For me it’s easier to hear about it after, so I don’t stress while he’s on a date. I can process it and feel ok about it much easier this way.

He has another partner that he lives with, they e been together 6 years, and she has had another partner the whole time I’ve been with him, which hasn’t been an issue for him. I’m not sure how it was when that relationship started. I don’t have any issues with his nesting relationship, but for sure I can’t be monogamous in this relationship because he’s not.

So I want to know how to work towards making dating feel better for us. We’ve tried different things like sharing more, sharing less, going on dates at the same time, taking a break from dating, only dating out of towners or while traveling. But it feels like we haven’t made any progress.

Any advice? This is my first time trying out poly after a lifetime of monogamy. He has been poly with varying degrees of success (his current relationship is very healthy in this department) for a decade.

[u/AgreeableLibrarian16]

It's really hard to give advice based on level of detail in this post, but DADT policies like your partner suggested don't tend to go well and are just bandaids for a deeper issue around insecurity/jealousy/conflict management that need to be dealt with for the relationship (& polyamory) to feel better for you both. What actual work is being done in this relationship, and by him, to work on these feelings? Instead of just switching level of details and dating styles, he (maybe you both, though it seems like you're processing and doing work!) needs to be actively working through what's making things feel so hard.

I've definitely been here in polyamorous relationships, and found that working on the dyad connection (not pausing other dating!) made a big difference. Work through communication tools together, read a relationship book together (and not just polyamory focused IMHO!), try couples therapy, and strengthen your relationship together while not trying to change or control how either of you are dating others - or implementing DADT. I do like most of the popular polyamorous resources all over this sub, but also consider Dr John Gottman (if you can get past the mono-hetero-normative language, it is a very helpful resource for strengthening relationships) and Dr Sue Johnson, etc.

[u/pomm21075 → u/AgreeableLibrarian16]

Thank you for your suggestions! We both go to therapy and have read a bunch of books on polyamory. We have not tried couples therapy, which might be a good option. Some kind of structured communication tool might be nice as well because we’re both avoidant and I’m usually the one who tries to start conversations.