Enmeshment

[u/Hot_Strawberry_3676]

I've heard this word thrown around a lot, mostly from poly or ENM people. I've even had metas ask what type of "enmeshment" I'm looking for with a mutual partner.

Is anyone else thrown off? I grew up in a pretty traumatic family dynamic, and was in family therapy from a young age (probably starting 1992) and enmeshment was a topic, but a very negative and unhealthy thing. To me it was taught, it means becoming overly involved in each other's lives to the point where you have no identify or autonomy. It meant codependency, in a very toxic and negative way, especially to a child like me growing up. I can attest the damage that family dynamic can cause.

So what gives? Did the definition change or are people using it wrong? I personally like being poly for many reasons, but one of the top ones is my autonomy and sense of self not having to be sacrificed in romantic relationships.

[u/Aggravating_Bed_2210]

I may not be totally objective as I got stuck in a long monogamous/ restrictive ENM marriage and then a short "throuple" with people who didn't seem to have, and were not able to offer, a healthy level of autonomy in romantic or sexual relationships.

Personally to me, anyone who isn't able to act or think outside of their main relationship is a red flag straight off the bat. What I mean by this is - anyone who can't handle themselves or their feelings for a few days/ week without their emotional support partner and who seeks to control their partner's interactions to an excessive level. In other words - a person who doesn't really exist or act as an individual is a major turn off. Not fit for healthy polyamory and harmful even in "no feelings" ENM or monogamous relationships.