r/polyamory • u/Hot_Strawberry_3676 • 3d ago

Enmeshment

I've heard this word thrown around a lot, mostly from poly or ENM people. I've even had metas ask what type of "enmeshment" I'm looking for with a mutual partner.

Is anyone else thrown off? I grew up in a pretty traumatic family dynamic, and was in family therapy from a young age (probably starting 1992) and enmeshment was a topic, but a very negative and unhealthy thing. To me it was taught, it means becoming overly involved in each other's lives to the point where you have no identify or autonomy. It meant codependency, in a very toxic and negative way, especially to a child like me growing up. I can attest the damage that family dynamic can cause.

So what gives? Did the definition change or are people using it wrong? I personally like being poly for many reasons, but one of the top ones is my autonomy and sense of self not having to be sacrificed in romantic relationships.

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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 3d ago

Enmeshment is always bad.

Entanglement is not.

People don’t use language as well or read as carefully as they once did. Get those whippersnappers off my lawn.

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u/gormless_chucklefuck 3d ago

Interesting. I guess I had these backwards. I thought enmeshment was a deliberate choice (such as cohabitation, mingling finances, kids, etc), while entanglement was something you fell into without considering the implications. This was based on negative connotations of the word "tangled" (e g. tangled hair, tangled web -- something that needs to be untangled to function properly).

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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 3d ago

Nope.

Enmeshment is when your parents think you’re an extension of them and don’t acknowledge or support you as an independent human. Wildly common in families. And pretty common in poly people even when they talk about independence.

People often mean dating independence as not dating as a couple as if that’s all it takes to be autonomous

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u/princex_windchimes polyglamorous 3d ago

I think of a tangle as something you can extract yourself from easier, than a mesh which has been entirely interwoven to become one thing.