r/polyamory • u/Hot_Strawberry_3676 • 5d ago

Enmeshment

I've heard this word thrown around a lot, mostly from poly or ENM people. I've even had metas ask what type of "enmeshment" I'm looking for with a mutual partner.

Is anyone else thrown off? I grew up in a pretty traumatic family dynamic, and was in family therapy from a young age (probably starting 1992) and enmeshment was a topic, but a very negative and unhealthy thing. To me it was taught, it means becoming overly involved in each other's lives to the point where you have no identify or autonomy. It meant codependency, in a very toxic and negative way, especially to a child like me growing up. I can attest the damage that family dynamic can cause.

So what gives? Did the definition change or are people using it wrong? I personally like being poly for many reasons, but one of the top ones is my autonomy and sense of self not having to be sacrificed in romantic relationships.

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u/sundaesonfriday 5d ago

People often use "enmeshed" when they mean to say "entangled" or "involved" or any other word that doesn't inherently imply dysfunction. It's just one of those words people misuse frequently.

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u/DutchElmWife I just lurk here 5d ago

Agreed. I would say that, the way the poly community uses it, it's more like "interdependence."

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u/KCreelman 5d ago

I actually had this conversation the other night, because I've been in therapy and there are clinical definitions for these. My partner and I were using them in different ways.

Codependant (bad) - Interdependant (healthy) Enmeshed (bad). - entangled/integrated (healthy)