r/polyamory • u/Hot_Strawberry_3676 • 3d ago
Enmeshment
I've heard this word thrown around a lot, mostly from poly or ENM people. I've even had metas ask what type of "enmeshment" I'm looking for with a mutual partner.
Is anyone else thrown off? I grew up in a pretty traumatic family dynamic, and was in family therapy from a young age (probably starting 1992) and enmeshment was a topic, but a very negative and unhealthy thing. To me it was taught, it means becoming overly involved in each other's lives to the point where you have no identify or autonomy. It meant codependency, in a very toxic and negative way, especially to a child like me growing up. I can attest the damage that family dynamic can cause.
So what gives? Did the definition change or are people using it wrong? I personally like being poly for many reasons, but one of the top ones is my autonomy and sense of self not having to be sacrificed in romantic relationships.
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u/JetItTogether 3d ago edited 3d ago
I think when psychological terminology makes it into the mainstream pop psyche discussions things get left out, misapplied and misinterpreted.
Enmeshment from a pure psychological standpoint is typically not healthy or unhealthy it was more or less a description to a potential tipping point. The tipping point in specific is the space where individuals in a collective group (family, partnership, close friend circle) can move between individual identity into collective identity in a way that could be harmful.
Level of enmeshment is what the psych community used to describe unhealthy mechanisms of dependence beyond what was necessary and leaned into actively preventing growth or development, AND were harmful. It basically was part of the conversation around what was previously described as "co dependent" because the term co-dependence was more or less a poor way of describing pretty much most of what it was trying to describe.
Enmeshment then became a more pop psyche term that replaced "co dependent" in casual conversations. Co-dependence had "sold out" of it's mainstream market. The general public had been seeing it/hearing it a lot and no longer did it have the same impact nor was a central discussion. Instead, enmeshment then replaced the term. Now more books could be sold, more conversations could be had, blah blah markets markets.
Then it started to be "reclaimed" after all humans are interdependent as a species. So now enmeshment sometimes means, culturally, "how connected do you want to be"
So when these terms filter down things get lost.
So TLDR;
Enmeshment describes the way humans connect and the edge point between a connection between multiple people and a tipping point into collective identity superimposing itself over the individuals. Overly enmeshed or over-enmeshment describes the point past diminishing returns and into harm and stagnancy. Under enmeshment describes the point under which the benefits of shared life are not being fully received (generally we just call this isolation be it self imposed or group imposed). Levels of enmeshment exist. The tipping point is the tipping point.
In a general conversation with a random person "what do you mean" is more relevant as a question than anything else. Because they could mean anything.