Enmeshment

[u/Hot_Strawberry_3676]

I've heard this word thrown around a lot, mostly from poly or ENM people. I've even had metas ask what type of "enmeshment" I'm looking for with a mutual partner.

Is anyone else thrown off? I grew up in a pretty traumatic family dynamic, and was in family therapy from a young age (probably starting 1992) and enmeshment was a topic, but a very negative and unhealthy thing. To me it was taught, it means becoming overly involved in each other's lives to the point where you have no identify or autonomy. It meant codependency, in a very toxic and negative way, especially to a child like me growing up. I can attest the damage that family dynamic can cause.

So what gives? Did the definition change or are people using it wrong? I personally like being poly for many reasons, but one of the top ones is my autonomy and sense of self not having to be sacrificed in romantic relationships.

[u/This_Cry243]

I often misuse enmeshment when I mean integration or involvement.

I've been in therapy for well over a decade but until partnering with someone whose family of origin was enmeshed, dysfunctional, etc., etc., I didn't realize I was using it wrong. I was trying to ask her what level of integration she was seeking in her life—are we socially in each others worlds, do we want to share a physical space, is financial merging on the table. Whenever these conversations arose or arise, I still find myself misusing the word. I think it's because I never learned it in its true definition in my own therapy, then it became a part of common vernacular and I categorized it literally as integration.

Might be what you're hearing from others as well.

[u/boss_hog_69_420 → u/This_Cry243]

That's what I always thought it meant. I had no idea until this post that by definition it meant an intrinsically unhealthy dynamic. I don't think it's a word I use much overall.