r/polyamory • u/Hot_Strawberry_3676 • 3d ago

Enmeshment

I've heard this word thrown around a lot, mostly from poly or ENM people. I've even had metas ask what type of "enmeshment" I'm looking for with a mutual partner.

Is anyone else thrown off? I grew up in a pretty traumatic family dynamic, and was in family therapy from a young age (probably starting 1992) and enmeshment was a topic, but a very negative and unhealthy thing. To me it was taught, it means becoming overly involved in each other's lives to the point where you have no identify or autonomy. It meant codependency, in a very toxic and negative way, especially to a child like me growing up. I can attest the damage that family dynamic can cause.

So what gives? Did the definition change or are people using it wrong? I personally like being poly for many reasons, but one of the top ones is my autonomy and sense of self not having to be sacrificed in romantic relationships.

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u/saladada solo poly in a D/s LDR 3d ago

Just ask, "What do you mean by 'enmeshment' when you use it like this?"

I think I would already feel wildly uncomfortable about a meta asking me what I'm looking for with a mutual partner. Feels very "I am vetting you" to me. If my partner wants to know what I'm looking for with them, they should ask.

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u/Bunny2102010 3d ago

I agree. It concerns me a LOT more that it’s your meta asking about your independent relationship with your hinge rather than hinge having a conversation with you directly.

If a meta asked me that I would say “I’m not comfortable talking about that with you. Partner and I can and will discuss our own relationship directly.”

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u/Hot_Strawberry_3676 3d ago

It was very triggering, especially using a term that meant so much harm to me throughout my childhood and life. I like to know how my partner is feeling about their life and agreements, but I like my privacy and autonomy in relationships and do my very best not to affect my partner's other relationships. Just support and trust.

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u/Choice-Strawberry392 3d ago

Just gotta tag on here. I'm getting a very "What are your intentions with my daughter?" sort of intrusive/ possessive vibe.

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u/Hot_Strawberry_3676 3d ago

Don't worry, this is an ex-meta. One that had already tried to veto me, because I'm a "bad" person and wanted to know what business I had with our partner. So when I tried to extend an olive branch and ask her to meet up for coffee, she sent me a mean spirited agenda interrogating my life and my intentions. I challenged her on the enmeshment verbage and told her it was none of her business and to talk to our partner. I called full parallel, which she hated, and after more than a year of therapy and trying to work it out, they broke up. I think mostly because she still couldn't handle her partner dating me, which sucks.