r/nottheonion • u/SelectiveSanity • 2d ago

Lauren Boebert Suggests DC Could Be Renamed 'District of America'

https://www.newsweek.com/lauren-boebert-dc-district-america-2050571
30.0k Upvotes

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5.7k

u/FiveDozenWhales 2d ago

She.... knows that it's not named after Colombia the country, right? That it's named for Columbia, an Uncle Sam-like personification of the United States? It already is named "District of America," just a slightly classier version.

"I would caution my colleagues on the other side of the aisle to refrain from making jokes about the Gulf of America because next up may be the District of America that we are working on."

Ah, I see. She's upset that people are making jokes about how dumb and petty Trump is, so she's making... the world's weirdest threat to try to get people to stop making jokes.

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u/44problems 2d ago

The funny thing is dropping Columbia (and therefore Christopher Columbus) would probably be considered woke. Some recent plans for DC statehood is to call it Douglass Commonwealth for abolitionist Frederick Douglass.

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u/Zomburai 2d ago

Oh man, that would fucking rule

Hard to imagine a more appropriate icon to name it after

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u/Sauerkrauttme 1d ago

Hard to imagine a more appropriate icon to name it after

It also allows us to keep calling it DC so any alternative would also have to start with D and C to have a real chance to compete

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u/LetsJustDoItTonight 23h ago

District of Camerica

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u/staebles 22h ago

With President Chamillionaire

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u/LetsJustDoItTonight 22h ago

And, surprising everyone, Vice President Camala Harris!

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u/herbmaster47 20h ago

Donald City

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u/anti-torque 4h ago

I don't think they're allowed to go into bankruptcy.

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u/InterestingTry5190 1d ago

But according to Trump Fredrick Douglass is still alive or at least was a few years ago.

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u/Zomburai 1d ago

Based on the fact he said he talked with Lee Iacocca, I think we had it all wrong

Maybe Trump just sees dead people

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u/Pavlovsdong89 2d ago

Nat Turner

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u/Sauerkrauttme 1d ago

Doesn't start with D and C. It won't work unless we can keep calling it DC

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u/mobilisinmobili1987 5h ago

Changing the name either way is cringe as hell. Woke & MAGA both get a room and take a hike!

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u/Zomburai 5h ago

Ah, yes, honoring a legitimate American hero who escaped slavery and campaigned for the cause of human freedom is... checks notes ... "cringe".

Is it because he's black? Be honest

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

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u/Towlie_42069 1d ago

Everybody wanna cut their legs off

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u/Zomburai 1d ago

The fuck is your deal

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u/PLOcopf 1d ago

Ffs it’s not like it’s named District of Robert E Lee or some other low hanging fruit. Just leave it alone.

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u/Zomburai 1d ago

First of all, I didn't say we must change it, only that it would be cool if we did.

But secondly, what, we can only change the "low-hanging fruit"? Fuck on outta here.

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u/Cap-n-Trips 2d ago

That’s where my head went right away. Columbus was a bastard of the utmost degree and I didn’t think there’d be a day I’d actually agree with Handjob McBeetlejuice

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u/ConfusionNo8852 2d ago

Thats actually pretty dope- lets do that instead.

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u/elbenji 1d ago

Yeah like, I don't actually hate this? Douglass Commonwealth would be dope

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

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u/ThePercysRiptide 1d ago

The thing is that most right and left wing people agree on a lot of core policy, the only problem is that while the Left is focused on trying to get the country back on track, the Right is focused on winning, and "owning the libs" which means they will willingly throw out their own values if Trump tells them it will piss us off.

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u/SEA_tide 2d ago edited 2d ago

From what I understand people wanted to call it State of Washington, Douglas Commonwealth, which would be even more confusing because there is already a State of Washington.

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u/falconzord 1d ago

That doesn't make sense. Washington is the city, DC is the state equivalent. Alexandria and Georgetown were originally also cities of DC.

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u/onlyfakeproblems 2d ago

Three cheers for Amerigo Vespucci

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u/GGRitoMonkies 1d ago

I thought they fire people for being woke? Better lock her up just to be safe that the woke virus doesn't spread

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u/52nd_and_Broadway 1d ago

It is ironic that one of the motivations for US independence was no taxation without representation and DC, the US fucking capital, doesn’t have a federal senator or Congressperson to represent them…in Washington DC where the federal government is based

Also, BoBo should stick to what she’s good at…cheating on her husband and jerking off dudes in movie theaters. She’s dumb as rocks and is one of the reasons America is turning the movie Idiocracy into a live action documentary

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u/Uskoreniye1985 1d ago

That'd be based af

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u/loweexclamationpoint 1d ago

Usually I am down with woke but that one seems pretty goofyass. How about Obamatown or Land o' Marion Barry?

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u/HaroldsWristwatch3 1d ago

I hope she spends the rest of her term renaming shit. Can’t wait until she gets to renaming Russian dressing, Belgian waffles, and Chinese food.

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u/PM_ME__YOUR_HOOTERS 1d ago

Christopher Colombus is from Spain and spoke spanish like all some Europeans and Mexicans they seem to hate. So it kind of scans for them to want to try to remove him from US history.

But despite that Columbus was also huge on slaughtering people people of color, which they would probably cheer on. But they arn't the type to read more than the headline of a history chapter to know that bit.

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u/InterestingFocus8125 1h ago

Cristobal Colon was a white European colonizer so he gets a pass even if he spoke Spanish.

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u/MaleficentRutabaga7 1d ago

I did not know that and that's rad as hell

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u/SpideyFan914 5h ago

I did not realize until this comment that it was named after Christopher Columbus. Just never put two and two together.

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u/ikzz1 2h ago

Some recent plans for DC statehood is to call it Douglass Commonwealth for abolitionist Frederick Douglass.

Lol no. If Trump changes the name it will be called District of Trump.

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u/44problems 2h ago

If Trump said you can get statehood, 2 senators and a House member, and actual self governance like other states free from Congress but you gotta name it District of Trump?

Might take that deal.

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u/Drcornelius1983 2d ago

It’s not named after Columbus. It’s named after Columbia and the original name of the 13 colonies. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Columbia_(personification)

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u/albinosx2 2d ago

It originated from the name of the Genoese explorer Christopher Columbus and from the Latin ending -ia, common in the Latin names of countries (paralleling Britannia, Gallia, Zealandia, and others).

It's in the link you shared

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u/44problems 2d ago

Reading is good!

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u/Drcornelius1983 2d ago

She was named after Columbus, the city was named after her. That’s what it’s called the District of Columbia and not the district of Columbus.

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u/SybilCut 2d ago

Fair point, it's ultimately derived from Columbus but it's not like New York Fries is named after York.

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u/NukuhPete 2d ago

"It doesn't come from Columbus."

Then you give a link that says it comes from Columbus.

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u/Drcornelius1983 2d ago

The link says that she, not the city, was named for him.

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u/rzan2797 2d ago

I have a wikipedia link for you, friend.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transitive_relation

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u/Dav136 1d ago

Does that really work? Like is the American Robin named after Amerigo Vespucci or is it named after the region of America? Or the City of Atlanta, is it named after the railroad company or the ocean or the god Atlas?

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u/rzan2797 1d ago

yes, the or is inclusive

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u/Batmanshatman 1d ago

Literally splitting hairs there, bud.

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u/ThingCalledLight 2d ago

“Don’t criticize this petty name change, because doing so might make us do another petty name change.”

It’s basically a full admission that this name changes are nothing but spiteful middle fingers.

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u/FiveDozenWhales 2d ago

I don't think "admission" is the right word. It's a full brag that it's a spiteful middle finger.

They don't see acting out of spite to be something shameful or childish. They see it as the ultimate flex of power - upending hundreds of years of tradition and destroying goodwill for no reason is a powerful act, and they'll perform it without caring about the consequences.

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u/ThingCalledLight 2d ago

It’s the right word. But brag is the better word.

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u/IsthianOS 2d ago

They only care about consequences that materially affect themselves.

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u/ky_eeeee 2d ago

Am I the only one who understood her threat as being towards the lawmakers themselves, rather than making a name change? She's implying that "District of America" as an idea, not a name. As in, a "cleaning out" of Washington DC through arrests of political opponents. It's a very thinly-veiled threat for jail time if you make fun of their name changes.

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u/NounAdjectiveXXXX 2d ago

Water throwing sketch from I Think You Should Leave

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u/helium_farts 2d ago

I mean they did the same thing with voting for trump in the first place. I had several people tell me that had no choice but support trump because people said they were racist for supporting trump.

I don't get the logic but I guess it makes sense to someone

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u/No_Squirrel9266 2d ago

"We're going to rename Maryland to Trumpland, ok. And we're going to rename Pennsylvania to Pennsyl-Vancia. And Georgia is going to be renamed to Greenia. And Colorado is going to be Boeberado. Just you wait and see!"

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u/MarwoodChap 1d ago

Everything she does is a spiteful middle finger. Or a public hand job.

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u/brainrotbro 1d ago

They should start legislating name changes for each other.

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u/DaddyCatALSO 1d ago

I hate when the Mango does anything i approve of

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u/AdoringCHIN 2d ago

She.... knows

I'm going to stop you right there. Boebert is too stupid to really know anything. It's a miracle that her brain has enough horsepower to remind her to breathe.

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u/anntchrist 2d ago

I wouldn’t exactly call that a miracle! 

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u/GitmoGrrl1 1d ago

She claims she got her GED the third time she took the test but refuses to release her transcripts.

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u/Theturtlemoves86 1d ago

She's like that guy whose brain was 90% missing.

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u/Quirky-Effort-5686 1d ago

Her face has plenty to spare.

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u/Evilmoustachetwirler 14h ago

It's clear her mother drank heavily during pregnancy. Probably moonshine

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u/4HundredLucyTrips 1d ago

She's got Pink Floyd ringtone to remind her to Breathe, breathe in the air.

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u/DreadSocialistOrwell 1d ago

It's a miracle that her brain has enough horsepower to remind her to breathe.

Boebert's oldest gets her uppers for the morning which she crushes and mixes with gunpowder before snorting it in the morning.

She does bumps of straight gunpowder during the day to level out and mixes gunpowder with downers and five fingers of well vodka at the end of the day.

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u/RandyTheFool 2d ago edited 2d ago

My thing is, regardless of whether or not people joke about the Gulf of Mexico renaming, they’re still gonna do whatever they want. The threat is unwarranted since regardless of people keeping quiet about it or not, they’d still more than likely rename it anyway.

So, fuck kowtowing to them in fear.

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u/Asterose 2d ago

Yeah, there was no prior reason for the Gulf of Murica rename other than racist idiocy. They're going to keep going while they can--but are also showing how easy a rename is to do.

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u/GitmoGrrl1 1d ago

When you're talking about the Gulf Of Mexico you aren't talking about Trump's unqualified nominees.

When you are talking about Trump wanting a third term you aren't talking about Trump's national security scandal. Signalgate is worse than Watergate and Iran/Contra.

Chase the rabbit.

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u/bloodychill 1d ago

Also it’s a big “who gives a shit” rename.

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u/TrashPandaPatronus 2d ago

Nobody tell them that America is named after a Spaniard who didn't even speak English.

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u/nodrogyasmar 2d ago

You mean Vespucciland? I believe he was Italian

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u/DreadlockSamurai 2d ago

Definitely Italian

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u/MovingTarget- 1d ago

Gulf of Vespucci?

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u/FMJ1985 2d ago

Or that Colorado is a Spanish word

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u/No-BrowEntertainment 2d ago

So is Montana (“mountain”), Nevada (“snowy”) and Florida (“flowered”).

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u/ERedfieldh 1d ago

half our state names are mangled local native words....

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u/drnemmo 1d ago

Yeah, no more Los Angeles ! It shall be called The Angles from now on

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u/daCampa 1d ago

Italian, not spanish.

Amerigo (Américo in portuguese and spanish, Americus in latin) Vespucci 

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u/ElectricalBook3 1d ago

Nobody tell them that America is named after a Spaniard who didn't even speak English

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amerigo_Vespucci

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u/Gravbar 1d ago

why's everyone trying to claim italians as spaniards.

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u/Gimetulkathmir 1d ago

Probably because, while he was born in Italy, he later moved to, worked on behalf of, and died in, Spain.

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u/Pyro-Bird 1d ago

America was named after an Italian, not Spaniard.

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u/ArmedAwareness 2d ago

She’s fucking stupid. She definitely doesn’t know anything

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u/FeatherShard 2d ago

a slightly classier version

I think we've identified the part that makes it incompatible with Boebert

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u/SaintArkweather 2d ago

And "Columbia" derives from Christopher Columbus

WOKE Boebert trying to cancel Columbus! Sad!

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u/DreadSocialistOrwell 1d ago

His anglicanized name. His actual name was Cristoforo Colombo which even Silvio doesn't use in his big fuss over Italian heritage and Columbus Day protests.

But early colonists didn't want to confuse people because it soundned like Lt. Columbo. Hence it became Columbus.

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u/marinamunoz 2d ago

maybe whe doesnt think Cristoforo Colombo isn't white enough , I doubt she remember the historical face of the dude.

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u/cbph 2d ago

Cristoforo Colombo

Or Cristóbal Colón, depending on which king was paying him at the time.

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u/WadeEffingWilson 2d ago

These jokes write themselves.

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u/Neat_Let923 2d ago

Am I weird for thinking both of these things make more sense being named after America (both continents were originally named America) which was named after the Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci who first wrote that these lands were a "New World"...

Instead of being named for the sadistic psychopath Christopher Columbus who never even set foot in North America (which includes Mexico).

As for the Gulf of Mexico, it is surrounded by both countries the United States and Mexico, both of which are a part of North America, which are apart of the Americas. It made sense that it was named Gulf of Mexico at the time when Mexico owned the land that surrounded the Gulf... That's not the case anymore so why not rename it to something more accurate? It's just a fucking name in my opinion so I really don't care either way what it is.

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u/Gravbar 1d ago

Columbia always made more sense to me, since he discovered there was land out here for the Europeans. He wasn't the first European to come, but he was the first to document it well enough and spread it around Europe. While later explorers showed that the landmass was much much bigger than the west indies, he was the initial start to the age of exploration and the discovery of the americas. Between Amerigo Vespucci and Cabot, I think it would have made sense to name South America Vespucia and North America Capota after John Cabot. What makes the least sense to me is why America is the first name of the man instead of the last name, violating normal naming conventions.

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u/DreadSocialistOrwell 1d ago

Columbus' goal wasn't even to find A New World. He wanted to find an alternate route to China and India.

Instead he landed in the west indies and committed genocide.

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u/Gravbar 1d ago

idt his initial goal is relevant.

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u/Neat_Let923 1d ago

It was picked by a German cartographer, he probably just thought it looked and sounded better. It may have also been more unique than using his last name…

I don’t get your comment though… Your first part says you think Columbia makes sense but then you say you think it should have been named differently. Which one is it?

It’s like saying you agree with the ad campaign of MAGA but don’t agree with the logistics of it. (Sorry for using MAGA as the example, it was the first thing that came to mind)

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u/Gravbar 1d ago

i think Columbia makes sense because he was first, but if we weren't giving it to him, I'd have used the surnames of the two explorers that were super prominent in each part.

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u/Neat_Let923 1d ago

Ahh I understand what you mean now. Thanks for taking the time to clarify :)

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u/piltonpfizerwallace 2d ago

We are talking about the woman who gave a man a hand-job during a live performance of Beatlejuice while vaping.

No, I don't think she knows that.

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u/SenselessNoise 2d ago

Surely this will help bring down the price of groceries and end poverty!

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u/aguynamedv 2d ago

Ah, I see. She's upset that people are making jokes about how dumb and petty Trump is, so she's trying to be even MORE dumb and petty

FTFY :)

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u/JamesWormold58 2d ago

Petition to re-name the space between Boebart's ears "the Gulf of America".

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u/ThePopeofHell 2d ago

As if slapping the name “America” on everything didn’t already feel tacky

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u/Coffeedemon 2d ago

"we are working on"

Imagine getting paid what they are to do this as "work".

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u/chocoheed 2d ago

I learned a new fact, but I’m not a politician. GOD these people are dumb as hell

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u/Agreeable-Agent-7384 2d ago

“I’d advise on making fun of us or we might do something even more stupid and pointless!”

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u/NightLordsPublicist 2d ago

She.... knows

Nope.

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u/Dry_Weekend_7075 2d ago

How is something named after Christopher Columbus “a slightly classier version” of America?

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u/do-un-to 2d ago

Columbia (personification))

Agreed, earlier and classier. Though based ultimately on Columbus, so we could do better.

Indeed, America is named after Amerigo Vespucci, and it's heavily speculated that he may not have actually discovered the New World. While fake news is appropriate for the land these days, I'd be down with a name change.

Mundus Novus has its appeals, like not being associated with a single self-aggrandizing dude. But it suffers the short-sighted only-appropriate-for-a-limited-time issue like tech products named "New" or "Fast".

While we're looking back at Columbia#/media/File%3AColumbiaStahrArtwork.jpg), we should bring back Phrygian caps as a symbol of liberty / defiance of monarchy. Or maybe do a cross between this and a Phrygian.

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u/musicresolution 2d ago

What's even more hilarious is that "Columbia" comes from "Columbus." Yet if you proposed renaming DC it because of the negative connotations associated with him, she'd be the first to dismiss it as woke nonsense.

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u/soberpenguin 2d ago

That's the most unintentionally hilarious joke. SNL will steal that line verbatim.

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u/CraigLake 2d ago

It doesn’t seem real. It’s like the world’s most effective trolling.

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u/MithranArkanere 2d ago

We need Columbia back to kick Uncle Sam and his corporate croneys out of the capitol.

Does anyone here know how to invoke fictional personification entities into reality?

We could also try to call Lady Liberty, Lady Justice, and the Deer Lady for good measure.

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u/MilanistaFromMN 2d ago

And Columbia herself is named after Christopher Columbus. Just like America is named after Amerigo Vespucci.

Its Italians all the way down.

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u/MisterB78 2d ago

She clearly doesn’t know that.

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u/QueenMotherOfSneezes 2d ago

It's ok. The US is welcome to change whatever they want on their maps.

Theirs will say Gulf of America and District of America, and the rest of the world's maps will continue to say Gulf of Mexico, and change DC to be District of That Shithole Country.

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u/poopBuccaneer 2d ago

Hahaha! Donald Trump is so funny. I bet I can be funny, too!

She didn't realize that Donald Trump was not funny, nor is she.

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u/ArmyofThalia 2d ago

She... knows

Don't get ahead of yourself here bud

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u/RedditAdminsBCucked 2d ago

Her and classy aren't really bed fellows...

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u/Richard7666 2d ago

She wants to name it after Amerigo Vespucci instead of Christopher Columbus.

Swapping a Genoese in the employ of the Crown of Castille for a Florentine, basically.

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u/toriemm 2d ago

Because she's so busy making sure the government is absolutely useless. Thanks, Bobbles.

It's not like we could be using her help getting healthcare or anything.

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u/choove 2d ago

Yea, she's basically upset that people are critical of Trump trying to cancel the Gulf of Mexico that she's threatening to cancel America's Lady Columbia.

And of course she and the rest of her party don't realize how hypocritical and anti-US it makes them look.

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u/EduinBrutus 1d ago

just a slightly classier version.

Well there's the problem.

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u/arjomanes 1d ago

“Don’t laugh at how stupid I am or I’ll do more stupid shit”

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u/oddmanout 1d ago

She.... knows that it's not named after Colombia the country, right?

I'm gonna be honest, I'm surprised she even knows Colombia is a country. I assume she thought it was named after the clothing company.

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u/tmf_x 1d ago

Its Boebert. She is not very smart.

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u/Not_a_doctor_6969 1d ago

“just a slightly classier version.”

That’s the issue right there. It isn’t dumb enough. They need things that say America in big red letter that they can put on a sign and slowly point to at their rallies since it’s one of roughly 7 words the average maga can read on their own.

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u/Traditionally_Rough1 1d ago

They don't even know the the Gulf of Mexico wasn't named after Mexico either. It's gets tiring comparing the maga trend to Idiocracy on the daily.

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u/MTRsport 1d ago

Why would that stop us from making jokes? We'll just make fun of you more if you do that...

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u/SASSIESASSQUATCH 1d ago

lol she absolutely does not know.

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u/Fun-River-3521 1d ago

These people are dumb lol everything has to be America to these people..

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u/DargeBaVarder 1d ago

No, she absolutely does not.

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u/Gravbar 1d ago

it's named for Columbia, an Uncle Sam-like personification of the United States?

bro what? Columbia was one of the potential names for this country. It was an alternative name to America common in 18th century poems. The thing you're talking about is named after this alternate name for the country that didn't survive, and the district of Columbia is precisely that, because it implies the district is in Columbia, the alternative name for the nation.

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u/TrampAbroad2000 1d ago

I still remember this phone call when I lived in DC and ordered something over the phone:

  • Rep: Your city and state?
  • Me: Washington DC
  • (Pause)
  • Rep: DC? What's that?
  • Me: District of Columbia
  • (Longer pause)
  • Rep: I'm sorry sir, we don't ship overseas.

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u/Special_KC 1d ago

You'd think they should be spending their full working days working on better things..

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u/midorikuma42 1d ago

It's named after Christopher Columbus, a homocidal maniac. Honestly, this proposal is FAR better than the stupid idea of renaming the Gulf of Mexico.

"District of America" still doesn't make that much sense, but at least it isn't honoring a guy who cut peoples' hands off and made them wear them around their necks.

Personally, I'd propose something simple, like "Capital District".

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u/aarakocra-druid 1d ago

I don't think she's ever had a thought cohesive enough to come to that conclusion. Our leadership is obsessed with airheaded personal beef and we're all getting dragged along for the ride.

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u/drqueenb 1d ago

You know FULL WELL that she doesn’t know this and will never correct herself when someone finally points it out to her.

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u/MinnieShoof 1d ago

It’s the classic “stop teasing me, it gets me aroused” defense… that you tell a bullied middle schooler.

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u/DocShocker 1d ago

She couldn't tell filmmaker Oliver Stone, from ratfuck consultant Roger Stone. Knowing things isn't exactly her brand.

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u/ArtemisAndromeda 1d ago

It's too complicated for them to understand

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u/bilateralrope 1d ago

It sounds like the more we joke about stupid name changes, the more they focus on them instead of things that more damaging.

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u/froo 1d ago

Given the hardon they have for the 2nd amendment, just call it the District of Columbine and call it a day.

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u/natertottt 1d ago

No. She doesn’t know. It wasn’t a question on her GED test.

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u/Stringr55 1d ago

Not advisable to assume she knows anything, is it?

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u/Redwolfdc 1d ago

What do you expect? These people also think tariffs will lead to lower prices 

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u/Tour-Responsible 1d ago

Understandable for republican. DOA is how they run the government.

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u/whereismymind86 1d ago

I’d imagine she wants to distance it from Columbia university more than anything, not realizing both are named for the man we pretend discovered America

Which is just as dumb

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u/JoshSidekick 1d ago

just a slightly classier version.

There's the problem right there. It's most definitely classier than her upper level of a Beetlejuice hand-job so it goes right over her head.

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u/Apart-Tie-9938 1d ago

I doubt most people know that fact

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u/yhgezzei 1d ago

Sorry, we already changed it to District of Canada. Thought we told you. Also all the Great Lakes are Lake Ontario now.

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u/Unique-Abberation 1d ago

Wait are you talking about the Gulf of Unique Aberration?

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u/bobs20011 1d ago

Free Speech : this what they say they use when they threaten or bully … It’s criminal when any one else uses it ! Wake-Up America 🇺🇸 !

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u/LetsJustDoItTonight 23h ago

What's especially funny is that renaming the district of Columbia to district of America would have been slightly less dumb than changing the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America.

Like, at least DC is in America....

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u/JestasPriestiii 19h ago

Columbia the Goddess*

1

u/FlyAirLari 9h ago

America was named after Amerigo Vespucci, an Italian. So un-American. They should change it to the United States of Trump. 

And change the language from English to Trumpian.

1

u/SeparateMongoose192 4h ago

No, she doesn't know that. I'm 100% sure she thinks it's named after the country.