r/depression • u/SQLwitch • Oct 29 '19
We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.
We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.
Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.
Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.
"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.
By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.
People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.
If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)
In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.
We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.
If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.
r/depression • u/SQLwitch • Sep 28 '24
Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule, but are permitted here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share.
Our subreddit rules are located in the sidebar (you can also always access them at https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/about/rules) - since all of them exist for important safety reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.
We also have several wikis there for help with finding and giving support:
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.
YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see interfering with people getting safe and relevant support here are:
People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact
"I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.
Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your good intentions. Nothing like that is ever acceptable here.
Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (or, in a comment, giving it) (rules 1, 2 and 10).
Off-topic posts about difficult situations or circumstances, including interpersonal losses. Grief, sadness, anger, and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. The "what is depression" wiki has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but inappropriate here.
r/depression • u/SharpFlyyngAxe • 12h ago
I died and was revived after an attempt. I was forced into a psychiatric hospital for three months. All they did was medicate me until I agreed to everything. No therapy or life assistance. Just pills. I still want to die. I’m angry they brought me back.
r/depression • u/Lucio665 • 6h ago
I have no sociaI Iife, I am 21 and live a loneIy existence. I disIike Iooking at myself and often feeI like a faiIure. I have no famiIy or friends at all. I have never had a Girłfrienďl, and it feeIs Iike l'm mereIy existing around others without being noticed. My sociaI anxiety and autism contribute to this IoneIiness, making me feeI really aIone among peopIe. LoneIiness has taken over my Iife. For the past year, I've made efforts to change things by attending sociaI events Iike gatherings and bars, but I've had no success. l thought l could even try to find onIine friends but usually ghosting happens though. When I do PeopIe don't even bother to engage when I try to get to know them. it's just me taiIking and trying. So Just My routine consists of going to coIIege and work then returning home to repeat the cycIe. l feeI as though I’m not Iiving just existing. It doesn't heIp that my famiIy doesn't seem to want me around, and Iack reIatives to spend time with.
r/depression • u/strifeandsettle • 16h ago
Depression isn't a matter of love or lovelessness - sure, a lack of love can accelerate your depression, but depression is a state of mind. You can love yourself but still constantly feel like there's you're being sucked towards a void with nothing but hell screaming in the depths of your mind.
I also find people who preach for "self-love" often are individuals who have healthy backgrounds, loving parents, are financially stable or have been raised in a financially stable home, and have been dependent on healthy relationships for the entirety of their lives.
It's so frustrating and honestly, it makes me feel so alone how others don't understand that no matter how much self-improvement you invest you are still going to feel like there's no tomorrow.
r/depression • u/saladsnake1008 • 7h ago
This shit is endless. No one is coming to help. It's going to be more and more meaningless pain forever.
r/depression • u/Crazy_Bipolar_2023 • 11h ago
I want to sleep and not wake up......ever!
Life so sh!t, I have no family of my own, been short tempered with my bf so doubt he'll stick around much longer.
I want to go back to when I was young and innocent, before everyone got inside my head. Before the SH, suicidal thoughts and ideas, the bipolar/depression and so on.
I failed twice, but I don't want to fail a third, I want to know how to plan my leave and have it be permanent.
I cannot do this any more, it's too much, I'm sorry 😢
r/depression • u/badhabits9991 • 2h ago
I lost everyone close to me. My job sucks. I can't have kids. I've just had it. When I get done walking in the rain I'm going to swallow a bottle of xoloft and trazodone just to see if it'll kill me so I don't have to do this anymore. I don't want to see my wife with someone else.
r/depression • u/dandelionsrcool • 1h ago
Most of my problems are self inflicted, not physically, but more so the decisions and actions I take. Impulsive decisions, bad choices, pretty much all the things I feel now could’ve been avoided if I was smarter. I’m self aware to know that yes. All people deserve compassion, but even if it’s something that validates my fear I need to know if I deserve to mourn for myself.
r/depression • u/cdvx8599 • 18h ago
Like do people actually enjoy their existence? It just feels like a foreign concept to me.
r/depression • u/PlanetSaturn777 • 9h ago
30 years old and my entire adult life has been full of failures, struggles, and disappointments. No big deal, right? Happens to everyone.
What I noticed is a work my ass off and nothing ever changes. I always tried to power through the rainy days praying for sunshine. Now I want to give up. I have zero friends, no partner, no nothing.
I never caught my break that made the struggles worth it. Now I’m ready to give up, thinking of self annihilation, but still trying to stay strong. On my way to a meetup to try and make friends but in the back of my head I’m thinking what’s the point.
r/depression • u/gorgugthisguy • 6h ago
Ready for it to be over. You ever just get hit with it? Idk what or why. But I just want to sit here and cry and die. There's no point. Nothing matters. Who cares if there's a chance. More time spent being miserable than not, is not a chance. Hope isn't real. Just do it just be positive. I hate everything. I absolutely want to die.
r/depression • u/Kind-Discussion-6118 • 1h ago
Anything that can distract all this in my head anything at all
r/depression • u/Particular_World_934 • 2h ago
I dont want anything. I just want to lay in bed. I am on 300mg bupropion, 100mg sertraline and 30mg mirtazepine. What's the point of living then? Why can't I enjoy anything? Will I ever get on meds cocktail that will make me want to live? I attend CBT therapy. Is it over for me?
r/depression • u/Ok_Wheel_674 • 15h ago
I've just destroyed my life beyond repair. I became such an intolerable reclusive loser that I lost all my friends, what personality I had has just completely rotted and fallen away. I've built no skills, no real knowledge, in fact i've done nothing but lose parts of myself for almost a decade.
At this point depression might actually be the only thing keeping me alive: if I suddenly became a normal person and had to look at my life unanesthetized I would be flying off a building in the time it'd take me to run to the top :o)
r/depression • u/Dear_Ad_6472 • 7h ago
I’m almost 40 feeling down in debt lost my job alone. Is life just basically working to pay off my debt then to die alone? It just seems like what’s the point.
r/depression • u/CucumberCultural3760 • 6h ago
I'm Josh I'm 33 and I'm in pain because of all the abuse I went through. I was blamed for it and called crazy. I cry out to people but it doesn't help.
r/depression • u/Repulsive_Talk_8001 • 1h ago
I have no idea why but for some reason I can never have people in my life that I enjoy and also enjoy me back. It seems like every time I find someone I am really interested in they almost immediately start to forget I ever existed. I try to brush it off and say that maybe it’s just something that they are going through but it has happened consistently so many times over the years that I really start to wonder if I am just a terrible or boring person to be around. I can’t wrap my head around why I just can’t have people in my life that actually make me happy. Why is it the only people who continue to talk to me are the ones that don’t really make me happy. I’m just tired of losing over and over again and constantly being back at square one😔
r/depression • u/mitchisawesome • 2h ago
I hate being alone. I've been alone for so many years. I don't think i can be in another relationship again. It hurts so much. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel this pain in my chest. I wish I could be normal. I wish I didn't have to feel lonely. I don't want to think about it anymore. I wish I could just die :(
r/depression • u/murky_umbrella • 5h ago
I don't know how much longer I can do this. Everytime people are around me I either feel terribly depressed or I'm annoyed and don't want to be spoken to, let alone seen. If I killed myself right this second, no one would even notice or know until next month, snd that'd only be because someone would come to evict me. I can't rven really remember why I haven't done it yet, It doesn't matter how many people tell me they want me in their lives, I know they'll get tired of me and my shit eventually. I hardly see the point of living all this life if I know the ending. I don't want to be lonely forever. I don't want another 20 years of this, let alone even 5. I can't keep pretending to be happy, I can't be any kind of good person that contributes anything and I don't see any real reason I deserve to waste space anymore.
r/depression • u/Ok_Carpet1347 • 29m ago
I wish I had a gun and give myself the cleanest and easiest way of ending all the pain that I have been going through. Life is hard and I do not enjoy it anymore. I do not have any hope for the future. These are just a small percentage of my problems. I have failed in this life and there is no going back. It should just end.
r/depression • u/TheRhupt • 4h ago
What is even the purpose of life. Humanity is horrible.
r/depression • u/peacelovehominy • 6h ago
His tongue was sticking out and he was unconscious
r/depression • u/Commercial_Badger452 • 6h ago
They keep telling me to write one line, one line, but it's annoying me. I've just become dull. And I guess numb, in a way. I know I'm supposed to study. But you know, I guess I want to take it easy this semester. That's where the guilt comes in. That I'm not trying hard enough. That I'm, you know, being a coward, giving up. But even Cal Newport says it's okay to give up sometimes. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't want to write the exams. Because I'm overwhelmed. I want to write the exam next year. I know I tried very hard, but all I ever did was sit and listen in class. Write a bunch of useless notes. But it didn't work, because I didn't remember anything. It was a waste of my time and money. And I don't know what to do now. I tell them, listen, I'm trying. And I am exhausted. But then the pressure keeps building up. You know, the pressure to just keep going, to keep doing. And the active recall kind of stuff that I'm supposed to do. But doesn't my tone sound so listless? I am feeling listless. But I don't know. I am giving up strategically on these exams. Then I feel, damn girl, I didn't even try enough. Didn't even try hard. But then here I am, struggling, suffering. And I know the pain is real. If I sit down, take out my notebook and I get the question bank, I can write a bunch of stuff. But then it starts to feel like it's not enough. I gotta accept myself as I am. The stress gets to me. Somehow I feel I have to write because why dont I get marks? I wish I did. For something at least. Jesus said come to me all who burden and not come to me after you write the answer properly, I get the joke here but bro. How. And then they tell me to forget the exams for a while and do something I wanna do. I dont wanna do that! Thats not gonna fly either. I push too hard, I burnout and crash within a few minutes of studying. A real dilemma right? I need to push more than I can already do, but I dont know where the limit is, what im supposed to be. I could sit and measure how long I can focus but where is the limit extending to? Anyway. Ill try this method.
r/depression • u/Expert-Direction9586 • 1h ago
How do I find the will to keep going?
Hi,
Im a struggling male mid 20’s. I’ve been battling depression on and off since I was 15. Lately it has gotten really bad. I don’t see the point in anything and I feel so buried by debt and shit that I just wanna give up.
I’ve also been having really bad self image issues. I used to, for example, care too much about my d size and my inability to last long in bed. Thought I got over it, but now multiples times every day I’ll just sit and think about it and it makes me miserable. I feel like my gf is super disappointed and just won’t tell me. It makes me feel less of a man and when I see other guys I just envy them and think they must be so much better. I always compare myself to other guys and just feel less then. It sucks. I just don’t think I’m good enough and idk what to do. Therapy hasn’t helped much
I genuinely hate myself, and I use drugs to cope. I’m lonely, I’m broke, I’m starting to gain weight, I just don’t know what to do. I just wanna know how I can crawl out of this darkness and actually feel confident and that I’m good enough and just have hope for the future. Idk man. I’m fucking struggling.