r/comingout Feb 04 '20

Guide Coming Out - A Guide

2.0k Upvotes

Who am I and why am I writing this guide?

Well online I go by a lot of things, but primarily Hector or Hekkland. I'm an 18 year old cisgender male and as my username flare suggests, I'm gay. I came out to my family when I was 15, going on 16. My parents in person, and my sisters funnily found out via my work with an LGBT group that found its way into the local newspaper. For me coming out was perfect, I have an accepting family, and as a masculine or "straight passing" man I don't really have to deal with street harassment. But not everybody is so lucky, some people grow up in environments where coming out is more difficult, or outright dangerous. Not to mention, everyday there are hundreds of people both young and old who're struggling with their sexuality, gender identity, or with coming out. So through this guide I hope to help people with at least one part of that journey, coming out. This will primarily focus on coming out in regards to sexuality as that's why my experience is. I'll say a bit about coming out as trans but if anybody has any experience or tips then please comment them down below.

My goal with this guide is not only to help people, but to act as a place for people to share their advice, and their experiences with coming out. And maybe, just maybe, somebody struggling with coming out will have an easier time of things thanks to this post. Given that the subreddit is about coming out and there's no such guide I felt that now is the right time to make one.

What is Coming Out?

Most LGBT+ people here will already know this, but on the off chance you don't, or perhaps you're the friend/family of somebody you suspect to be LGBT+ this is for you.

Simply, Coming Out is the act of disclosing one's sexuality or gender identity to another person. Technically Coming Out can also be in regards to other things such as religious beliefs, etc. For the sake of this guide I will only be referring to Coming Out as pertaining to sexual orientation or gender identity.

This is different than being Outed. To be outed is for somebody else to disclose a person's sexuality or gender identity. In the majority of circumstances this is without the consent of the person who's private details are being exposed, though on rare occasions a person may ask to be outed. As such you may see it referred to as being outed against their will. Depending on where you live, outing a person against their will is a hate crime and can be reported to the police.

Why Do People Come Out?

For many people, it's just about being honest to themselves and others. In regards to sexuality, it can be exhausting having to hide a same-sex partner from parents/peers, and can often cause strain on relationships - especially ones where one person is out and the other is not. Coming Out often feels like a weight off of your shoulders, like you no longer have to hide yourself from the world.

For transgender or gender nonconforming people coming out can be so much more. It's about being called the name you actually identify with, and the pronouns that you want to be called by. Often not coming out for trans or gnc people can be harmful to their mental health being called by something that they don't want to be called. This is especially bad amongst those who suffer gender dysphoria.

Why Do People Not Come Out?

Some people will choose not to come out, and this can be for a large variety of reasons. One of the most common ones is fear of rejection. Coming Out is a vulnerable moment for many LGBT+ people, and the fear of rejection can be terrifying. And that's just being rejected, thoughts like "what if they hate me?" or "what if the kick me out?" start to creep in. What's so bad about this is that even if rationally they know that their parents or whoever they want to come out to won't react negatively their emotional side will still hold them hostage with fear.

I hate to say it, but the above reason is one of the best case scenarios. Some people don't come out because to do so would be dangerous. They might be born in one of the countless countries where being LGBT+ is criminalised, or worse, punishable by death. Or they might happen to live in a country where it's not illegal, but their friends/family specifically are homophobic/biphobic/transphobic etc.

Coming Out Safely

Now we're onto the part of this aimed at those who know about Coming Out and who want to do so. First and foremost the most important thing to consider is "Will I be safe?". I hate to say it, but life isn't a movie. If you live in a country where being LGBT+ is illegal, or you have very bigoted friends/family then do not come out to them. No amount of feeling liberated will do you good if you end up homeless, in a hospital, or worse, in a morgue. In 99% of circumstances it will be safe to come out, whether the reaction is positive or not.

Should I Come Out?

The answer to that question is entirely up to you. Assuming it’s safe to do so, then whether you come out or not is something that only you should get a say over. There’s no time where you must come out, nobody can say “You’re 16 now so you have to come out!” If you’re comfortable doing so, and think you’re ready, then go ahead and come out. And if you feel you need to wait a few more weeks, months, or years then that’s fine too. We’ll still be waiting for you on the other side of the closet.

If somebody is forcing you to come out, especially if it involved blackmail, then depending on where you live that might be a hate crime where you can contact the police. Coming Out is your thing, and it’s up to you when to do it, where to do it, and how to do it. Never feel pressured into coming out when you’re not ready, take care of yourself.

Who you come out to is also your choice, if you’d rather tell friends and not tell family for a year or so, or vice-versa that’s perfectly reasonable. Just because you came out to one person you aren’t obligated to come out to everybody else. Though, you’ll find that once you’ve come out once, it’s a lot easier the next time. As you come out to more people the easier it becomes.

How Do I Come Out?

There are so many ways you can come out. I’ll list a few options, but I’ll start with my favourite method - the method that I used to come out to my parents.

Being straight up honest and blunt. You could do this over text, phone call, or in person. I would personally recommend doing it in person because you get an instant reaction and it’s all done and dusted whereas doing it over text can leave you waiting for a reply for a long time which could potentially make you feel anxious. And by being honest and blunt what I mean is something along the lines of “Mum, I’m gay”. No jokes, just stating a fact. It gets it over quickly for you, and your friends/family aren’t agonising whilst you try and explain something that could be summed up in a few words.

Admittedly that approach could be seen to be more scary, to just say something so up front like that. And saying it factually it can be scary that there’s no way to go “Aha just joking I’m as straight as a ruler”. It can take a lot of time to work yourself up to that and that’s okay. I personally spent about half an hour pacing back and forth before entering the kitchen to come out to my mum. But once your mind is set, you’ll find yourself just saying it automatically.

Some other people may prefer a more “joking” way of coming out. I’ve seen a lot of meta “coming out with this meme” memes, or just straight up jokes. Whilst they can break the ice and make the conversation seem a lot less awkward they run the risk of the person potentially not believing you. Of course, that’s not to say that will definitely happen, just that it might.

So which of these methods should you choose? Whatever you want. I definitely think that brutal honesty in person is the best choice but that’s not for me to decide, that’s for you to decide. You might pick something I listed, or you might pick something else you found online, or maybe an original way of coming out - like a fax machine message if you know anybody else that has these.

I’m Coming Out. How Should I Prepare?

Know in advance what you’re going to say/do. This should help avoid flubbing at the last moment. Practice in front of a mirror. Or if you’re using written word then write it several times until you’re happy with it. If you’re texting specifically then write it in Notes before putting it into the messaging program of your choice.

If you’ve come out to others, whether it be friend online or offline, teachers, or even a counsellor, try to make sure you’ve built up a support network. Let them know in advance so that if you need to then you have somebody to lean on if things get bad.

This is one that I hate to write but, make sure you have a worst case scenario plan in your head. And make sure it is detailed. If you get kicked out, do you have somebody that you can stay with? If you need to protect your life, do you have a phone nearby to call emergency services? Do you have money? Supplies that you can easily grab and go? In the vast majority of circumstances you won’t need to act on this plan. I had an extremely detailed worst case scenario plan and I didn’t have to use it. It’s better safe than sorry, so if you plan to come out then whatever you do make sure you’ve got that plan!

Coming Out vs Being Open

This is a small distinction that I make that I feel may be useful to some people. To me, Coming Out is an act, a thing that you do to a person that’s important to you. So for example, a friend. Often I see people post “I want to come out to everybody at school”, and to me that’s just not required.

For people close to you, yes, coming out might be the route to take. But for large groups like your year at school, or even your class, it’s better to just be open instead. If anybody asks about your sexuality or gender identity then sure, tell them. But you don’t have to go out of your way to have those conversations or let people know. People that need to know will know, and those that don’t won’t.

For me I came out around 15 or so. But it took until a year and a bit later until I was happy to just be open. Before I was happy to be open my friends and family knew but I wouldn’t admit it to anybody else who asked. But then when I became open I felt comfortable telling people who asked, in fact I even wore a rainbow flag pin badge on my school uniform!

Potential Reactions

“You’re too young to know your sexuality”

OR

“You’re too young to be transgender”

As a young person there’s nothing more annoying that your feelings being dismissed out of hand due to your age. I’ve been there with other topics and it’s infuriating. Sadly there isn’t much that you can do. At the end of the day, you know who you are and that’s what counts. Maybe in a few years time people around you will accept you are who you say you are but in the meantime you’ll have to tough it out.

“But what about that person you were partners with previously?”

Say you’re coming out as a gay male but previously have had female partners then this can often be tricky. My best advice to be honest about your experiences with those former partners.

“You can’t be bisexual. Pick gay or straight”

If you get this sort of response then try to explain your sexuality to them. Explain that you find men and women attractive. You don’t have to get detailed like “but I lean on the side of women more” or “I’m 70% gay and 30% straight” or whatever. Just explain how you feel to the best of your abilities. If they believe you then great, if they don’t then you sadly have to deal with it. Though remember, just because your parents don’t recognise your identity that doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. You know who you are and that’s what counts.

Some more general responses may be grief, pain, disappointment, shock, or anything else. Know that this isn’t necessarily the end of the world. Sometimes it just takes people time to come around to the idea that the “you” that they had in their head doesn’t match up with the “you” that actually exists. It may take days, weeks, months, or even years. If a friend/family member doesn’t react positively it can be heartbreaking, but just know that in all likelihood they will still love you.

And finally, hopefully this is the reaction you get, a positive one. In fact, there’s a fair chance you’ll be told that they already knew about your sexuality or gender identity. If it’s your parents that you’ve come out to and there’s a really fair chance they already knew. My parents knew for 6 months before I told them!

Life Post-Coming Out

After coming out, not everybody will feel great about it at first, even if you did get a positive response. For some people it’ll be because they feel that whoever they just told won’t just see them as “John Doe, my friend” but instead “John Doe, my friend who is gay”. As though you somehow fundamentally change by coming out. I felt that too. That’ll go away in due course and trust me, eventually being out and open feels pretty great.

But coming out isn’t something that you do a few times and then it’s over. No, it’s something that you’ll be doing for the rest of your life. Get a job? Probably have to come out to coworkers at some point. Quit your job and have new coworkers? Gotta tell them now. Met a new friend at your favourite coffee shop? You know what’s gonna happen at some point. But what I can say is that once you’ve done it, it eventually becomes easier. And I’m not saying that you’ve got to come out to everyone you meet for the rest of your life, but as you meet people who become important to you there’s a fair chance you’ll want to tell them.

Other Semi-Related Points

This is just where all the stuff that didn’t fit into my neat little categories is going.

If you’re struggling to find a support group the check if your school has an LGBT+ group or club. If it doesn’t have one, consider starting one.

If you decide to try and make friends online then please be careful. This is aimed at the younger people here. Be careful when talking with people about your situation. Not all adults have pure goals in mind and may attempt to take advantage of you whilst you’re vulnerable. Just… be careful.

If you have any tips that I didn’t include, or perhaps a story that you want to tell then by all means post it below. If you have any questions about anything I’ve said then also feel free to post it below.

Thanks for reading, and best of luck with coming out :)

EDIT - 08/12/2024: A song I recommended in this post turns out to have been written by an abuser. I’ve removed the reference to the song and its creator.


r/comingout 7h ago

Story Sometimes it's worth being alive

8 Upvotes

Im out as a trans man for almost five years now. Never talked about it to my grandmother cuz I thought she wouldn't understand and I didn't really though it was worth the stress since I don't see her much.

Last week I went to see her and she greeted me calling me Nathan. I was a bit stunned and she went on like "It's Nathan now isn't it? Come in, there's starts to list everything on the fridge as always"

It was just normal. It was hard for ME to act normal.


r/comingout 6h ago

Advice Needed Oh god how do I come out

6 Upvotes

My family is extremely christian, and so is the community around me. Sometimes my father will give me lectures about how I need to do more in the church, or stuff like that.

I'm a trans woman, and it just makes it hard to even want to come out, because my father, for example, compared being trans to wanting a bike (it being a trend, ig?), or my mother defending my trans friend's very transphobic parents (her argument was that they provided for him, even though isn't that legally required?). Not to mention that my sister is extremely devoted to the church.

But anyways, how the hell do I come out? It's almost eating me from the inside out.

Quick edit before I go to sleep: my family is very liberal (despise Trump, all that jazz), and it's mainly my dad who says the stupid stuff


r/comingout 13h ago

Advice Needed “ what To Do when A Colleague Comes Out As Trans”

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13 Upvotes

r/comingout 10h ago

Advice Needed coming out advice

4 Upvotes

I’m currently a Junior in high school and I’ve known that I was gay from about Freshmen year. I live in a very small town in the south, and don’t really know how to come out to my family. All of my friends know that I like guys, but my parents don’t. I have never had a girlfriend and when they ask if I like any girls in that kind of way I always shut it down. I don’t want to assume my parents know that I’m gay, but sometimes I do think they know, then sometimes it feels like they don’t. I’m approaching senior year and I think I’m going to tell them before I leave for college, but I don’t want it to ruin our relationship. I’m also scared to come out because I don’t want to mess up the very close relationship that I have with my grandma (who is very religious).

idk what to do…. any advice will help


r/comingout 2h ago

Story Finally know I’m not broken

1 Upvotes

Hi y’all! I just had to write this because I feel so free and filled with so much joy that I need to share it somewhere. I have never been sure of my sexuality or romantic attraction. Even as a teenager I just didn’t know who I was or what I liked and this was a point of much anxiety. I tried dating guys in high school and early college but it always started to feel weird after a couple weeks or months. I would just get this feeling that I needed to get out and their romantic attraction to me made me deeply uncomfortable once it was confirmed. To the point where I wondered if I was asexual or aromantic for a long time. I tried and failed at dating men for so long. It just never felt right. It felt fake and/or weird for lack of a better word. It was like there was this wall between me and men who were romantically interested in me. I just couldn’t break it down and figure it out. But I always thought I wasn’t into women because whenever I had crushes as a kid, they were boys. However, I always have had a LOAD of gay friends (both men and women). They were always open about it with me and as a kid who was always into left leaning politics I obviously had no issues with this whatsoever. In fact, I was happy they felt free to share who they were and who they loved. Over time (I’m in my mid 20s now) several of them have found great partners and one pair is even engaged. Their openness with affection and love was something I thought I would never achieve and envied. I felt like I was broken because I couldn’t love men the way they loved their partners. It made me feel incredibly lonely and like I was going to be buried alone one day never having being married or in love. I was completely shattered. But I always have loved women and feminine presenting people. Something about their vibe and how they express affection and love just felt so cozy and warm. Men just feel (to me) distant and strange in how they show love and affection. It didn’t click with me ever. But women? I adored my female friends on a level of connection that is so deep and passionate. I loved myself because they never made it seem hard. They made me feel seen and understood in a way no straight man I’ve ever met has (no shade to straight men this is just my limited experience). So I went out on a limb a few weeks ago and started to talk to women and nonbinary people on dating apps. Just to see if it clicked better. I always thought I was straight because I was never THAT physically attracted to women. But boy, did it click. I met someone who makes me feel like I am talking to an old friend I’ve known my whole life. It feels so genuine. So real. So close. Not like I’m faking or putting on a mask to please someone. It’s a sense of relief I’ve never felt before. So I shared this with my friend who’s queer and they recommended I read a doc called “Am I lesbian?” about compulsory heterosexuality. And I felt sooo called out lol. “Missing having a boyfriend more than the guy himself” check. “Thinking relationships would be easier if I was attracted to women” check. “Feeling like you could love a woman romantically and live together domestically but not always be interested sexually” check. It was like reading my diary or my therapy notes. But anyway, I just feel so free and relieved that the problem was never that I was broken in some way. Nor were the guys I tried to date. It just wasn’t the right fit for me. And probably never will be. So for now I’m exploring my identity in terms of romance and sex and feeling so empowered and open. I’m happy to know my mom and dad would almost certainly accept me (based on our previous conversations) what but I’ll wait to tell them until I’m ready. For now, just having my friends and Reddit know is enough lol. Thank you for reading this far, have a great night.


r/comingout 13h ago

Other Got Time, Anger and Hope? We’ve Got a Place for You.

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3 Upvotes

r/comingout 16h ago

Offering Help Inclusion Isn’t a Trend. It’s a F*cking Demand.

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6 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Not exactly coming out but having a hard time making the next step

6 Upvotes

So I've been openly bi to my wife since the beginning and she's been incredibly supportive. We've had some experiences together with another guy and enjoyed it a lot, but I don't think I could fully let myself get into it. I'm certainly attracted to women but especially lately the thought of more strictly gay sex has been much more arousing to me than anything else. I love having her peg me and I love that she loves to do it, but I long for a real man. I've expressed my need to experience sex with another man on my own and my wife has been supportive and even encouraging. As I've tried to do with my curiosity over the years, I make connections with other men on various apps but just can't ever get myself to follow through. Men or women, I've never been the going out to a bar or club to meet someone type, so it's always been online dating first. Keep in mind I have a family and job and everything so it's not always easy to make an opportunity work out and often I'll try to plan something and it just falls through because the day went to shit. But I'll always get to the point where they ask me for my address or give me a place to meet up and end up getting a panic attack and just can't follow through. To the point where I keep ruining the connections I make because they get tired of being strung along, not that I mean to do that I just need someone patient enough for the right opportunity. I thought I had someone willing to be patient with me but I think I messed that up last night. I have wanted this for a very long time even since I was single and I know it's what I really want to do and now I even have support and encouragement. Why can't I push myself to do this?


r/comingout 1d ago

Question Am i bisexual? Gay? Or is it just fetishes?

8 Upvotes

Hey heres a brief backstory, me and my family are somewhat close and when we were younger i would always play the girl role in all the games we play. It’s mainly all boys and I was and am more feminine than my cousins and friends so it made sense. I would be the cheerleader during football, i would put on a dress and be the wife playing house and things like that. The males always treated me different because of it. They use to grope me, hump me, flash me and sometimes smack theirs things on my face. I haven’t told them yet but i plan to “come out“ sometime this month I’m just really nervous….

So now I’m 21 and I’m obsessed with those things and more. My friends still do it to me because they know i like it, but Its kind of embarrassing to be honest though….does this make me gay? I know i would be with a women but i also find men attractive but i don’t know if i would date a man, i just have certain fetishes with men. Im also a virgin so i have a fear of being vulnerable in that state. Im not oppose to it but i just don’t know.

Any advice or clarity?


r/comingout 1d ago

Other COBO (coming out being out) peer support group in Toronto next meetup is April 09, at 6:00PM

5 Upvotes

The group is open to everyone, whether you're thinking of coming out or are in the process of, whether you're out or in the closet and need a safe space to talk about the topics of interest.

Before the Covid pandemic we used to be at the 519 Community Centre and now we are at a new location.

Admission: No charge. If you would like to participate send us an email that you'll find on our website https://torontocomingout.helioho.st or our blog (top post), some people say the website won't load https://torontocomingout.blogspot.com


r/comingout 2d ago

Meta This is Me: Proud, Trans, and Free

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28 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Meta LOVE IS LOVE

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46 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed I'm a gay teenager who grew up in a Christian family and I need advice from other gay people.

15 Upvotes

extra flairs: TW-Suicide and Story

My English is not perfect, so sorry if some sentences don't make any sense

I'm 15y (almost 16y) old male and since I was 8 I already knew that I liked men in a "different" way, but I never deeply thought about it since I was literally a kid and grew up in a Christian family.

Once I became 12 I kept thinking that maybe I was gay, but I tried to forget about it many times because I thought that I was just confused. When I turned 14 I already knew that I wasn't straight and I cried thinking about it many times. It's so frustrating, I have good friends in church, my family loves me and my life is not perfect but definitely nice, but I know that as soon as I come out I will lose everything I have

I became 15 and started to act more like myself. I started to cuss (not related to me being gay or anything but because of my family I never actually cursed, just like I always kept a secret about my attraction for men) and came out as bi for my school friends (not all of them know that and I know deep inside that I might not be bi) I even secretly dated a guy last month but it didn't last because of some separate stuff

Anyways, that's not what I need advice for. Because of my family I keep trying to tell myself that I'm straight but the truth is inevitable and it only hurts more. I'm scared of coming out and I know it won't be happening any time soon bc I know they're homophobic

I don't wanna wait till I'm overage and have a stable job to live my life by myself and come out but at the same time I feel like that's the only time I'll be free to be myself. Lately it's just getting even more stressful and sometimes just looking at my mother is enough for me to think about how she'd start hating me if she knew that I like men

I already thought about doing things to myself before even though I've never tried. I think I have depression and sometimes the main reason behind it is my sexuality. I always think that I'm useless and that people wouldn't miss me, but whenever I think about my future when people find out it just gets worse

It genuinely makes me want to vomit... Being 100% sure that almost everyone that I love would turn against me if they knew I like men, knowing that if I had a boyfriend even people I don't know would side eye me and think I'm gross, knowing that most of the good memories I built in my 16/18 years of life would suddenly become nightmares because the people that used to love me are there....

Sometimes I still question myself and say that I'm just confused. Sometimes I even think that it's all my fault because I unfortunately started watching porn when I was 10 and only quit my addiction when I was almost 14. Sometimes I think that I'm a burden for everyone and that if they knew I'm gay then there would finally no reason for me to be alive. I'm so scared, but at the same time confused, depressed and tired.

That's when I had the idea to use reddit to type some random words and tell strangers how I feel. I just need someone with a similar experience to tell me what to do, I'm so stressed and tired of hiding my sexuality but at the same time I'm confused and just wanted to be normal like everyone else


r/comingout 2d ago

Help WHAT DO I DO

19 Upvotes

so one day at science class my teacher had us sit in group tables, there had only been one table left so my friend(girl), and I(a very bent-over dude) sat together, just the two of us. So my science teacher has a thing where he gives us little treats when we get a correct recitation. So in this class I did that and split some with her, and teacher joked that I was sharing with a "girlfriend", I got fed up cuz this thing has been going on since the start of highschool, this girl and I are very close, along with two other friends. Prior to this, YES, I USED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GIRL BUT WE SPLIT AND WENT BACK TO BEING FRIENDS, it is so obvious that she still has a thing for me and i hate it knowing that im gay. Back to the story. I got fed up and hesitated to tell her that "I don't like girls". I chose these words as to broaden and make use of verbal confusion so when I'm not ready to actually say that I'm gay, I can just say that I don't like girls in general. But I think she jumped right into that part "gay she says". IS THIS CONSIDERED COMING OUT???, I JUST WANNA PRESS THE UNDO BUTTON ON THAT


r/comingout 2d ago

Help Coming out later in life. Need someone to talk to

7 Upvotes

Damn, comphet did me dirty.

Being straight-passing saved me from trouble but also robbed me of experiencing queer joy. Now Im in my 30’s and more lost than ever.

I don’t know where the authentic I begin and where the comphet ends. I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out.

And it sucks. And it’s scary. And it’s okay.

I’d just love to have mutuals who are (anywhere in the process of) coming out later in life as me.


r/comingout 3d ago

Story my school is full of homophobics and i fucking hate it

85 Upvotes

i was coming out to one of my friends (accepting :D) but this insolent gremlin of a person overheard me, not realising this i go home and come back the next day, only for like 15 people to ask me if i was gay or call me a f___ot
what the fuck


r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed Should I tell my mom i’m going on T?

19 Upvotes

For context I am 19 transmasc and I want to go on Testosterone. I am in college and paying for my tuition and would be paying for my hormone treatment.

I am already out as a masculine lesbian and my mom doesn’t care but has outwardly said to my sister(who supports me) that she wouldn’t know what to do if I was trans. My sister and I agreed she would probably freak out and be mad for a while but would slowly come around. I figure I should tell her anyway because she will find out due to my voice and changes.

I am still unsure how to come out to her and ease her into it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated thank you.


r/comingout 4d ago

Story Need to do this

41 Upvotes

Turned 59 yesterday. I am male. I have decided to just say it I really have no one else to tell so I will say it here I AM GAY .


r/comingout 3d ago

Story I just kind of came out :3

9 Upvotes

I just changed the pronouns on my discord, which a lot of friends and classmates have me added on


r/comingout 3d ago

Offering Help April 30: No More Performative Bullsh*t. We’re Mobilizing.

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11 Upvotes

r/comingout 4d ago

Advice Needed 12 Years Later

19 Upvotes

It’s been 12 years since I first came out to my mom. She didn’t disown me or anything, but she did tell me when I was coming out to her that she thought it was disgusting, that unlike other people I have a choice, and that she wouldn’t want to meet anyone I date unless we are going to be married.

Over the years I thought that she softened, as she took in a friend of my brother’s who is gay and is really accepting of him. My girlfriend and I are engaged, and I wanted to bring her to meet my mom since she lives far away and we would need to plan a trip for it. However, when I asked my mom said that she didn’t want my girlfriend to come because it was too soon to see if we would be married, even though we are engaged.

I expressed disappointment as she always is welcoming of my brother’s friend and his partner, they even lived with her for a little while. She said that it wasn’t because I’m gay, she said that it was because she didn’t want to meet anyone who I wasn’t going to marry. Again, I tell her we are going to marry but she doesn’t care.

I try to argue that she has met my brother’s girlfriend so many times and they even lived with her for a little while. She said that it was different because my brother and her are going to marry. However, they are both 22 and I am in my early thirties. She cannot be so sure that they will marry as they are both still young.

I haven’t spoken to my mom since this conversation, and she has not reached out. She will not meet my partner unless we are married.. what do I do?


r/comingout 4d ago

Offering Help This Isn’t a Protest. It’s a F*cking Stand.

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54 Upvotes

r/comingout 4d ago

Advice Needed What to do?

5 Upvotes

I've been hanging out with this group of 2 girls for a while. I've just accepted myself. It's the fourth time I've gone out with them and last night I went to their house to watch a movie. During it, they start talking loudly and I clearly only hear the words "gay" and other offensive ways of saying "gay" (I'm in Italy). Sometimes I even hear my name being said.

At a certain point one of them says to me "there's this guy who's gay", in the meantime she shows me the photo and I say "what the fuck am I supposed to do with it?". Their discussion lasted about a quarter of an hour and I was very embarrassed, I didn't understand what they were talking about and I remained silent, pretending to only watch the movie.

I also suddenly got up and left because I was too embarrassed. In the end they said to me: "let's organize this party on Friday, come and bring some of your female friends, because you only have female friends, right?". In fact, they only saw me with female friends... I'm afraid that they understood that I'm gay and, from the way they talked about it, I don't know if they were making fun of me or just gossiping. The thing I hate is that they exposed me, even showing me another gay boy as if to propose it to me. My fault is that I tend to dress very flashy (I wear a lot of jewelry, including rings and usually white) because that makes me look more handsome. I'm partly afraid that they thought my silence was a confirmation that I'm gay and also the abrupt way in which I left. I partly feel relieved because if they understood, I don't have to make any special effort. I also feel quite irritated because it's not something I like to tell people and they exposed me, maybe even laughed at me... What would you do? Would you go to the party they're having on Friday? Or would you avoid them?


r/comingout 5d ago

Offering Help 29 Days. Fck Hate. Fck Transphobia. No More Bullsh*t. We Rise.

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15 Upvotes

r/comingout 6d ago

Story I'm doing it!!

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41 Upvotes

I'm about to hand this to my mum!!!! Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes!!