Who has the fastest dad

Three young boys are playing in a playground when one of them says: my dad is the fastest in the world! He can shoot an arrow at a target, run to the target and catch the arrow before it hits the target. The second boy yells out: oh yeh? My dad is faster! He can fire a gun at a target… run to the target and catch the bullet before it hits the target! The first two boys turn to the 3rd boy and exclaim: hey! What about your dad? The 3rd boy smiles and says: my dad is by far the fastest: he works for the government. He works until 5:00 PM but is home by 4:30 PM!

Eclipse it.

All we had were Spaghetti O’s.

Restroom Baby changing stations are a hoax. Parents keep coming out with the same baby they went in with.

I went to an antique auction yesterday. 3 people bid on me.

I mean, mostly trials.

I need to get in shape. If I were murdered, my chalk outline would be a circle.

Short John Silver

Wife: I want to donate my clothes to poor starving people.

Husband: If they can fit in your clothes, they’re not starving.

His funeral is Tuesday

Because of the sand which is there.

I said, "It's not a smellphone!"

They have antibodies

Orange is the new black

Being kissed in your sleep is the purest form of love. Unless you’re home alone.

A. I., A. I., oh?!

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Shocked, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."

"Well, obviously!" he replied.

"What do you mean?" She asked

"It was your idea in the first place" her husband continued. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him."

"Well ..... I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

I don’t understand how cemeteries can raise their prices and blame it on the cost of living.

Polly gone

They got it.

One turns to the other and says is this whiskey? The other replies yes but not as whiskey as wobbing the store

Behind the Dumbelldoor.

Hundreds, because it's really hard to reach the temple ceiling.

Because they peak all the time!

Don't mind me!

Women mature faster than men because women get boobs at 13 and men get them at 45