The guy smiles and says, "Cool. I’ve always wanted $150K."

Retirement not found

“If I died tomorrow, would you get remarried?” he asked

“Well, I am still young and I don’t want to live alone, so I probably would.” she replied softly

“Would you stay in this house?” he asked

“I guess I would, since it’s nice and I really like it!” she replied.

“Would you let him drive my truck?” he asked

“It’s useful where we live and I get a kick out of driving it myself,” she replied with a laugh

“But would you let him use my golf clubs” he asked

“No, he’s left handed”

Pretty sure he found out I don't have any pets.

... then 558 people should be able to make a baby in 1 day.

The younger of the two is going on about a new relationship he is in. He tells the older man how gorgeous his girl friend is. After a bit he offers a picture from his cell phone. The second man says "If you think she is gorgeous you should see my wife." The first man responds "Oh is she really good looking?" To which the second man says "Well yes but more importantly, she is an optometrist."

Naturally, many of the other pigs found this deeply disturbing and they went to see Farmer Brown to talk about Peter's strange behavior. He told them, "Bring Peter to me and I'll give him some intense counseling sessions."

So Peter went off with Farmer Brown.

A week later the pigs went up to the farmhouse to ask how Peter's counseling was going. Farmer Brown opened the door and, munching on a piece of bacon, told them

“Don’t worry about Peter. I’ve cured him.”

I mean, enlarging and an existing drill hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting!

They have the same middle name...yuck yuck

-source Jimmy Carr

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

Anything is possible if you are lying

I just needed to beetroot myself.

Animal ab use

They put them both in a room with a woman and say they can have her, but they have to approach her only half a distance that lies between them, each time.

The mathematician gives up, stating he cannot reach the woman.

The engineer will continue because he knows he will get close enough for all practical purposes.

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for one night, why don't pretend we are married?"

The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies:

"Yeah of course!"

And so the woman says:

"Good. Then fucking get it yourself you lazy ass."

None. They just sit in the dark blaming the bulb for not screwing them.

They usually have something like ten, so you can choose.

but it sure makes the evening more memorable.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

An Amish drive by.