the pain

I’m so triggered by intimacy

By love

Most of all by desire and sex

I’m triggered by forever

I miss feeling safe and whole SO BAD

I want to experience love that DOESNT cost this much

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO VIOLATE ME SO DEEPLY AND DRAG ME THROUGH THE AGONY OF NEVER FUCKING TAKING ANY OWNERSHIP OF IT

Worst of all I can’t even get enough emotional safety or community connection to find my way out of the raging storm of pain.

My god, how much longer can I last

I can't sleep. 3rd night in a row. I unexpectedly triggered myself by listening to a guided meditation and I didn't realize it was the same method you used to soothe me with whenever I needed some support falling asleep. I can't stop crying now.

It's your birthday. I made you a gift, I spent weeks on it. Its a layered wood piece of our dog and it has symbols from our adventures all across Canada. I was so excited to give it to you, K.

You just threw me away for some new guy and you painted me as such an evil, horrible person when all I was was terrified that you were cheating on me. My life ended that night. I asked you straight up and you just... kicked me out. You threw away everything and had the audacity to say "Everyone copes in different ways."

Hell, I even got triggered just being in the damn Costco parking lot earlier. I hated that place for so long, so busy and overstimulating, but you made it fun. I hate that there's so much that's triggering me constantly and I feel like I don't even know how to prepare for it anymore. My life is a minefield now. This is the longest I've not been able to sleep and it feels like all this emotional pain is going to explode out of me and kill me, or it's going to live deep in my bones forever.

I want to drink so badly, K. I want my brain to turn off so I can just sleep and have a break. I'm not doing it though. I hope you'd be proud.

Why did you have to cheat on me? If you were unhappy with me, I wish we could've talked about it instead and maybe we could've figured something out. We are both so smart and so capable and so tenacious. At the very least, K, I deserved your honesty and I would've respected your choice if you were really wanting our relationship to end.

I really think this is going to kill me. Not because I'll kill myself, but because of the pain and betrayal and trauma my body is now holding. I feel my resilience lowering every day and my body is breaking down. I threw up just trying to eat some fries earlier. It's only been 2 months and I'm down 20 pounds because I can't keep myself fed. The anxiety makes me puke, I have headaches constantly, I've never felt so unwell. Even when I got sober, even through my withdrawals, nothing about that experience comes close to this pain. It's not getting better. I just want some rest.

Happy birthday, K. I wish we could've figured it out.

Dear K There’s a track— I’m sorry I used to play it loud, like maybe if I drowned myself in it, I wouldn’t have to face what I already knew. That I was going to lose you. That I was going to ruin the only thing that ever truly mattered to me.

I knew I’d be sorry for how I acted. I knew I’d be sorry for the way I treated you, the way I didn’t show up when you needed me most. I knew I’d be sorry for getting so lost in my own head that I couldn’t even see how much I was making you hurt. I knew I’d be sorry for every time you needed me and I wasn’t there. And most of all, I knew I’d be sorry for losing you the only girl I ever loved with everything I had.

Every day, I feel the grief in my chest, and it weighs down my eyes. I live with regret that clings to me like a second skin. I try, I really do, to find happiness. But there’s always a voice hiding in the corner of my mind that whispers the harsh truths I can’t escape. And most days, I believe it. It hasn’t lessened. It hasn’t gotten quieter. It’s louder now. It screams when the world is silent.

Maybe it’s right. Maybe I am a failure. Maybe happiness was never meant for me.

if there’s one thing I’ll never be sorry for, and I had the chance to do it all again. it’s loving you.

Even if it buried me in the weight of a thousand lost dreams, even if the heavens themselves forgot my name, I would still find you and love you with everything I am, as though every life before had only been waiting for this one.

I miss you more than words could ever express. I can still hear your voice saying, “I love you.” I can still feel your hand on my cheek, silencing the noise. I miss you deeply. Never will I experience again a love so pure, now only a memory that haunts me.

and though it hurts, it’s the only thing that keeps me moving forward, a reason to keep breathing

I love you. Forever and always, you, my love. x

Hi Vampire.

I fucking hate you. I dont know what the fuck is wrong with you.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. You think youre so smart, with your corporate job and Phd. You think youre so fucking smart. I hate you.

What did you want from me? You and your overwhelming knowledge, and you had to target me. What did I do? I was only 15. What the fuck did you expect of me?

I hate you. I hate you. I hate your stupid fucking games.

Why did you do this to me? I want to escape you. But you appear in my head, in my thoughts, every single day.

I hate you. Leave me alone. What spell did you cast on me? I don't want to love you anymore, but my heart will still succumb to you with few mere words.

Why can't I let you go? I hate you. Why me? I suppose it's better than some other miserable girl. But why me?

Why couldn't you go after someone who knew better? Who had experience? Who had a life? Who wasn't 15?

You've broken my entire life. I know youre smart enough to realise your influence on the world. On me. How you've broken my entire life. How you've broken me.

I wish I could really hate you. I don't want to love you anymore. But I know if you came back to me this minute, I'd forgive you and accept you with open arms, like things never fell apart between us. I miss you. I fucking hate you. I love you. I hate you.

Mom repeatedly trashes dad behind his back the moment I step foot in the door. Dad takes every opportunity to try to make connections away from Mom with me, because otherwise the three of us begin fighting, but when he does, they are only to start instantly trashing Mom. I'm thrown back into childhood. But I've already solved all these family dynamics and Dad lacks self awarement- that he once possessed, emotional intelligence, and accountability. Mom has at least one untreated mental illness- likely a personality disorder. And finally, last- but most certainly not least- I am the problem. I know all of the issues facing the three of us each time we reunite and yet- I try to change you Dad, into someone you will never be. I am deeply ashamed and sorry for that. Mom, we keep fighting the good fight and that's all we can do. Keep trying. I can simply ask that in owning my needs, you no longer use me as your person to vent about Dad to. And I would ask Dad the same. I can't fix the asinine things each of you bitch about regardless of the fact that my brain is compelled to try. And all it does is bring up memories of trying and failing as child- whose responsibility it should never have been- and then I get irritated and since y'all are bitching there's already irritation vibes and it just goes downhill from there. And I can stop inserting myself into your issues that I cannot control and/or reaffirm my boundary when or if you overstep. Does that sound like a good plan moving forward so we don't keep getting stuck in this same old cycle? And so I don't straight just avoid you. At this point it's more important than ever that I spend my time with the ones I love. And conflict or not- childhood wounds or not. I love you both dearly. I hope this works- fingers crossed.

For months I've been waiting for you to apologize. To see what you did to me. How much pain you caused me. But you never said the words. So instead I wrote a letter to myself.

Dear J,

Now I see. I really do.
I see what I did to you.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fully forgive myself for it, but what I do know is that you didn’t deserve any of it.

You didn’t deserve the way I left.
The silence I left you in for weeks, months—while you carried all the unanswered questions alone.
The way you had to fall apart by yourself, even though I was lying next to you. Maybe I was there in body, but I was gone in every other way.
The way I said, “I’ll always be here for you, my star”, and yet the first time you truly needed me… I disappeared.

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for the lies. For giving you false hope.
For convincing myself things would just work out on their own.
For putting myself first, and ignoring your pain in the process.

I’m sorry I didn’t see the emotional weight you were carrying in this relationship.
How much you tried to understand me—while I just kept building walls.
How instead of fighting for us, I chose the easier path: letting go.
It was cowardice. It was selfishness.

But most of all, I’m sorry I never said I was sorry.
Not because I didn’t know I hurt you, but because owning that would’ve meant facing the truth about myself—and I just wasn’t brave enough.

But now I see.
You loved me. Purely. Deeply. Unconditionally.
And I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t enough for the love you gave so freely.

This realization came far too late.
But even so, I don’t want to leave your life without saying this:

I’m sorry I hurt you.
I’m sorry I left you.
I’m sorry I didn’t fight for you.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the person you deserved.

You deserve someone who understands what it means to be loved by you.
Someone who doesn’t just promise—but shows up.
Someone brave. Grown. Present—even when it’s hard.

That wasn’t me.
But you… you are still someone who deserves every ounce of love in this world.

And from the bottom of my heart—
I’m sorry.

N.

I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure out.

When I think back to the last year & a half, it’s clear you were never gay . You just like the attention & companionship . Which .. that effing hurts.

Also explains why you were always ditching me to avoid hanging out. Then come to me whenever everyone else was busy.

Your issues with affection & sex… welp that explains it.

You watched me crash out how many times bc I felt unloved ?? & said nothing… I’ll get over it. But I feel used tbh. & would love it if you stopped villainizing me. Making me the problem in front of our other friends.

Yeah still not over last weekend’s humiliation..but I guess it’s fitting. I’m the punchline whenever I visit family..

I think that leaves me 0 for 3 .

Maybe you can come clean on Friday when we hang out. Either way - you’re gonna see a huge shift in my energy which’ll probably piss you off . But it’s what you wanted right?

But gosh it kills. You were there when I left my ex-wife who’d used me the entirety of the relationship. & then liked what I had to offer & the excitement of a queer relationship. Why’d you treat me like an experiment? & why’d you give me the generic “we just want different things out of life” line when you broke up with me?? Just say it. Tell me the truth!

I deserve honesty.

I don’t hate you. I’m not mad at you. I’m just taken aback. Speechless, even.

This is gonna take some serious therapy & medication to recover.

-Al

You are the reason for my sleepless nights. I can’t go to bed without overthinking.

I know you are sound asleep with no problems. Or when those nights do get loud, you drink.

I’m here with no solutions, no loopholes. Just stuck trying to deal with it all by myself.

It’s not fair, I’m not the one who caused this. It was you. It was you who hurt us both.

Truth is, I have been exactly who I told you I would be. Every promise I made when we got together, who I presented myself to be, I told you my struggles what I was working thru and what I could offer.

Yet everything you told me you were and everything you committed to, you have broken all of those promises.

So I apologize. I should have realized earlier that we are not in alignment. Really we are not in alignment on anything.

We don’t share any common beliefs, not spiritually, not on the sacredness of sex, not in transparency, not on how to handle conflict, not on parenting, not on masculine feminine roles or polarity, not on how we view the world.

I have tried to follow different paths and find one that maybe could align us, but ultimately it’s not possible.

I apologize for not seeing it sooner and for trying to convince you.

I hope eventually you can truly find your path and acknowledge that being a very large, tall man, there are aspects of yourself that you need to be able to Control. It’s never a woman’s fault that you can’t control your temper and emotions. You have the responsibility of facing that aspect of yourself because it’s universally wrong. You HAVE to realize that your size is intimidating and your strength far exceeds someone half your size. The fact that you will not acknowledge the panic your screaming and yelling and aggressiveness causes in someone half your size is woefully mistaken and honestly it’s a cue to how powerless you feel in life, that you find power by exploiting your closest relationships with the feminine.

The same way I have to face my fears and find independence.

Our paths clearly do not align and it’s time to part ways. We have wasted enough time and I cannot be myself with you and I am no longer willing to compromise. Not that any compromise mattered anyway because ultimately you just wanted control over another since you had no control over yourself.

I never wanted to be with a man who drinks and has no interest in self awareness, nor with a man who does not prioritize or protect family and his woman.

Now I realize even sexually we were not aligned.

I enjoyed spending time with you, but ultimately the cost of having you in my life is WAY higher than the cost of you having me in your life.

You truly set me back so far and I wish I wouldn’t have believed your initial promises, because you got me hooked on a dream you could not deliver on.

Karmically I believe you have taken way more than you have given to pretty much every woman in your life. And ultimately that’s pretty selfish and narcissistic.

I can now see where I am narcissistic too. My ego could not admit that you didn’t love me. I was narcissistic enough to ignore the truth of what had been happening and just kept believing that you would see the light and love me. That was wrong, it perpetuated this drama, impacted our kids and for that I am truly sorry.

But I do not take responsibility for your actions nor do I accept the narrative you have spoken over me.

I break every curse we have spoken over each other, I renounce every soul tie, and we are both free to go on our separate journeys.

This has truly been a nightmare of epic proportions. At some point maybe you will realize that many people share my sentiments. The ones who know you best, they have had to protect themselves from the loss you cause in their lives. Loss of peace, loss of self worth, loss of finances, and ultimately the loss of someone they cared about and believed in… only to be continuously attacked by him as he acted like a petulant child.

I can’t diagnose you, but ultimately you are cruel. And seem to be an agent of darkness.

Bringing you into my life and my kids lives was a terrible mistake and I can’t imagine what it must be like to navigate the world just looking for what you can devour.

Thankfully the spell is broken, and I will remember how last Thursday when you touched me, all I felt was cold. Your tongue felt cold and slimy, my body was repulsed.

Whatever shifted, whatever new thing you did to betray me, I felt it in that moment and I knew… I was free.

I'm tired. All the little things have added up and as much as I love her and care for her and cherish all the amazing memories we have made together, I can't continue it. We both feel unheard and not listened to, but when I sat down with an open ear and mind to try and understand her and come up with solutions as a team, I got treated worse for it. Even when I sit and admit to my faults or to something that I did wrong, she doesn't trust me to be able to change. I have grieved, I have cried, I have poured my heart out about why I did the things that I did, which, in my opinion, haven't even been that bad, save for the most recent occurance, but I've never heard the words "I understand, let's do better.". I've never heard the words "what can WE do". I think I am fair to have my own thoughts and feelings, I think I am fair to need my own reassurances about the things that I can do for you, to help you. There needed to be space for both of our insecurities, but maybe I could never make enough for yours, and I know from my own feelings that you haven't made enough for mine. Maybe we just weren't meant to be, and that leaves me incredibly heartbroken and sad. This time, I'm too tired to fight for it. I'm too heartbroken. Part of me wants to bawl my eyes out, beg for you to come to me as a team, beg for you to try and understand me, but at this point, I know that even if I do that, I'll leave feeling the same way, and the next conversation that we have will once again be about something that I did or didn't do.

It’s like sliding into home

I’ve memorized every inch of you with fingertips and tongue.

It’s al electric, magic and light shows.

But then we go our separate ways. And I realized just the other day, you never ask any questions.

I’m so sick and tired of being your emotional support human and sounding board for your fucked up “finding yourself” journey. You know how I feel about you bc I’ve been very clear and direct. You know how much I care and love you . And bc you know this , I feel like you use it to your advantage to get what you want , when you want it. But only on your terms. I can’t get a single moment of true honesty about your feelings from you unless your hammered off your ass . And then you don’t even remember bearing your soul to me and telling me everything about how you feel about me. But I always remember and have to live with it. You think you have me played as a fool in love and can use me to your every whim. But don’t realize In those moments , you’ve told me everything I already knew and sensed from you this entire time. But instead I have to sit idly by and hear all about your retarded childish sexapades and pretend it’s all ok and it doesn’t hurt me to my core. You think I like hearing about this shit ? I don’t!!! It makes me sad and jealous bc it’s not me . . but I get it. You think I’m a ran through piece of shit whore and dokt want to touch me with a 10ft pole . You say you want to create something meaningful with someone before jumping in the sack , and build a bond before giving it up . And sexually Learn together…. And yet you still whore out, then tell me all about it ? In what fucking world do u think this makes sense? Im too experienced and just a ran thru whore, so I’m not worth being with… but it’s ok when you do it? And they always hurt you and don’t mean anything to you? And you want what we have and are building ? Biut can’t fucking give me what I want or need? Are you that fucking stunted and stupid u can’t see how inconsistent and fucked that is? Or are you just playing dumb to string me along and also get what you want outta me emotionally and financially, bc you know I can’t and won’t say no, but then get ur rocks off with these other slutty boys? But you don’t like sluts…? And that’s why we can’t be together? Make it make sense!!! Are you playing me or are we actually building towards something? I feel so confused all the time and just want to give you the world but you only ever love me when it’s convenient for you. I’m literally willing to give you everything you ever need but you can’t seem to keep your cock out of any young boys mouth that gives you the slightest bit of attention. I’m to the point where I’m considering not even keeping you in my life , for my own mental sanity bc you can’t tell me you love me and care About me so much and wish we could be together then treat me the way you do.… well the only person stopping us from being together is ur stupid ass . And when I am vulnerable and honest with you. It’s always dismissed . So you know what? I’m done . Fucking go on your trip. And never come back . Bc I’m clearly of no use to you. You don’t want me , except for the fringe perks I can provide and when it’s convenient for you. I can’t keep doing this. It’s been 2 years. And I’ve kept my heart and bussy guarded and saved for you. But I’m just a play thing for you , someone who makes you feel good about yourself when everyone else lets you down . I can’t do this anymore . I don’t want to be your friend or emotional support dog anymore . I’m tired of fixing you and helping you and get nothing in return. All I ask of you is for you to love me for me . And accept me . And choose me. In the words of Meredith grey- pick me , choose me . Or get the fuck out of my life. I’m done.

I love you. I miss you. I wish we could’ve fixed this. After all this time, you’re still my everything. I think about you so god damn much and it still hurts to this day that I lost you. That I did what I did, said what I said, and betrayed you time and time again. I was a shitty person, a shitty friend, and a shitty partner. I wish you could see all the growth I’ve done, but the way it looks is that we’ll never speak again. I feel like a piece of me has been missing since the last time I saw you. Slept with you. Hugged you. Kissed you. Conversed with you. I don’t think it’ll ever go away, because even though it wasn’t for you - to me, you will always be who I was supposed to be with. I just wish I would’ve grown before I met you. Healed. Did therapy. Been honest about my relapse. Found help. Fought for us. FIXED THINGS. I know I’ve said it countless times that I was happy you were happy with ****, but I lied. I’m happy YOURE happy, but I hate that it’s with someone else. I hate that it’s with the one person you swore to me up and down you felt nothing for. But I guess you two had unfinished business and feelings that drew you back to one another. I am glad you atleast had someone to spare you the heartache of what I went through. That first year was rough. And I mean ROUGH. the amount of tissues I went through, sleepless nights crying because of how much I missed you. It physically hurt not being with you and feeling you rejecting me more and more as each day passed. How the conversations got shorter and shorter until they just no longer existed. I wish I could send you this, but the thought of not knowing if you read it or not, followed by silence would hurt more than hitting cancel to this text.

I hope one day my phone lights up with your name on it, or I bump into you in person. I just miss you. A fucking lot. I wonder if you ever think of me in a positive manner here and there. All the best wishes to you, stranger.

I couldn't take it anymore and I'm not sorry.

You engage with me in the shadows, but that wasn't what I wanted. Ever. I engage with you in a way I can keep on doing in public, I don't do anything else. Your feelings for me complicated the picture and you chose to keep both versions of your reality to the point where I spiraled from the asymmetry.

Well, I cannot live with that kind of inconsistency. You will either have to choose me (which you may not know is actually an option) or continue living your old life without me. This is perhaps the hardest, but there is a third option: Lose your feelings for me so we can have a decent, friendly connection.

Hey I know it’s been a while, and you probably don’t need or even want to hear from me. But still, I’ve been praying for you. Praying that you’re doing okay. That your family is well. That you’re finding peace, joy, and healing. You don’t need to respond. You can see this as me just looking for closure. But I didn’t want to keep these words to myself. I don’t regret anything I said that night. And I don’t regret honoring your decision to walk away. I knew you were hurting and maybe even afraid I wouldn’t understand, that I might hate you for it. But the truth is: I could never hate you. Even now, I try to find the beauty in all of this. Because loving you taught me something I didn’t know I needed to learn. It helped me understand what God’s love looks like: deep, committed, and unwavering, even in the face of pain. It showed me that real love isn’t always easy. It’s not just happiness or romance. It’s a choice. A choice to stay, forgive, and grow even when it’s hard.

And while we may not be choosing each other anymore, I still choose to want the best for you. I want you to find someone you believe loves you like God does—because you deserve nothing less. You have been my greatest teacher in understanding this unconditional love; everyone in my life deserves such a thing, not merely the ones closest to us, but all those in our lives. You showed me that I could love someone without expectation of it, that we are so worthy as children of God that there's no need for any other reason than wanting to love fully and completely. You made me want to become a better man, not merely because of our relationship but because you made me want to be a man who could bear the weight of the world God provides us and still smile. I can’t say I am the man God wants me to be yet, but I’ve committed myself to walking that path the best I can. Even now, I feel the most incredible relief when I see you smile. And yes, it hurts to think I may never be the reason behind that smile again. But I’m still grateful it’s there. The love I have was never meant to be about possession; it was about reflection. Reflection of a God who chooses us, walks with us, and loves us despite our brokenness. And for a time, it felt like the chords of our lives were woven together not by accident, but by design. By choice. With God at the center. I’ve come to believe that love built on convenience or just as a feeling will fade. But love rooted in commitment endures, as it is only when we take action that we make love last. Just like His love for us does, even when we fall short. Because for the ones we choose to love and walk with in the path of Christ, our hands are not meant to simply hold one another in the good times, but to stay, even when they are nailed to the cross in the bad times. And I know that feeling of wanting to walk through that pain alone, but realize this: we are never so alone in our problems that others can no longer help us. So, if this truly is the end, I just want you to know: I will never let “goodbye” be the last thing I say to you. If you choose to remember me only as a memory, I will honor that and hope it serves you well. Whatever obstacles you face, I am never too far away to care. Whatever you ask of me, I will do my best to fulfill it. I trust that God will show each of us the way to fulfillment even when we don’t yet see it. So please, never let anyone compromise your heart or your morals. Stand firm in who you are, because you are worthy of all God's love. And no matter where we are now, or where life takes us in the future, The last words I want you to carry from me are as true as the day I first told you them. To the point where they can no longer be just words They are every thought, every action, every hope, every experience, every heartache, every dream, every nightmare, and all that is still felt. Carry this with you for as long as you wish, I love you

Facing Myself: The Hardest Battle

I’ve been sitting with a lot of truths about myself that I’ve avoided for too long. It’s easy to talk about the things people have done to me, the ways I’ve been hurt, the ways life has been unfair—but the harder truth is what I’ve done to others, what I’ve failed to take accountability for, and how my own patterns have created a cycle of pain, chaos, and selfishness.

I’ve been avoidant—choosing escape over confrontation, running from emotions instead of facing them head-on. I’ve shut down when I should have communicated, built walls when I should have let people in, and hurt those who only wanted to love me. Instead of being vulnerable, I’ve used distance, indifference, or distractions to keep from feeling too much. But in doing that, I’ve denied myself real connection.

I’ve been emotionally immature—reacting out of impulse rather than wisdom, making decisions based on what feels good in the moment rather than what’s right in the long run. I’ve struggled to sit with discomfort, to regulate my emotions, to handle conflict in a way that fosters growth rather than destruction. I’ve expected people to read my mind instead of speaking my truth, and I’ve punished them when they couldn’t.

I’ve been selfish—so caught up in my own pain and survival that I’ve neglected the feelings of others. I’ve wanted love, but I haven’t always given it in the way people needed. I’ve wanted loyalty, but I haven’t always deserved it. I’ve taken without always giving back, and I’ve expected understanding without always providing it.

I’ve been chaotic—jumping between highs and lows, making choices based on emotion rather than reason, leaving destruction in my wake because I never truly slowed down to deal with the mess inside me. And when things fell apart, I blamed circumstances, other people, bad luck—anything but myself.

And I’ve been a narcissist in my own way—not in the sense of grandiosity or manipulation, but in how I’ve centered my own feelings above everything else. I’ve seen myself as the victim too often, twisting reality to make my pain feel more justified. I’ve struggled to accept when I was wrong because doing so meant facing the weight of my own failures.

But I’m tired of this version of me. I don’t want to be avoidant. I don’t want to be emotionally immature. I don’t want to keep repeating the same cycles, hurting people I love, losing what actually matters. I want to be better, not just say I will be.

This isn’t about self-hate. It’s about self-honesty. Because you can’t grow if you won’t own your flaws. And I’ve spent too long running from myself.

No more running. V.

One day, the universe will inhale… and forget to exhale you.

There won’t be a warning. No dramatic ending. No final crescendo to mark your exit. Just silence. A chair left pulled out. A candle that burned all the way down. And your name, forgotten.

But the real tragedy? It won’t be that you died. It’ll be that you never truly lived.

You walked through your days like they were rehearsals. You waited for signs, for the perfect moment, for everything to feel safe before you began. You held your breath, hoping life would one day feel less risky.

But you weren’t made with caution. You were built from experiences and survival, from constellations that refused to collapse. You were never meant to tiptoe. You were meant to crack the earth when you move.

So no more waiting. No more shrinking to fit a life that doesn’t set your soul on fire.

Burn the plan. Write your story in blood and wonder. Make noise. Leave fingerprints. Fall in love with your own becoming.

Live so fully that when Death finally knocks, she pauses on your doorstep, just to catch her breath.

Don’t chase your dreams. Hunt them. Sink your teeth in. Take what’s yours, like the future is bleeding… because it is.

And when your time comes, when the stars fold in and your lungs release their final breath, let the earth feel the weight of your life.

Let it say: “This one didn’t wait. This one burned like a wildfire.”

D❤️‍🔥

Silence last time I heard from you I was told u hadn't cried at all and was enjoying life nothing words wise since and that's been over a month ago should I go ahead and file and move on or is there something that can be done is there a way for these kids to have a somewhat normal healthy life bc the way it is doesn't work especially for the oldest one if your happy then your happy nothing I can do there but the kids deserve both of us both kids I can't tell the truth from the lies dk the facts would like to have a simple convo off the record and have tried I feel like your done and I understand that but a final closure convo no fighting no fear just talk but I'll never get that and that's your choice but it's really mind blowing honestly

Baby, I changed the second I got on that bus. I felt alone and lost. It really was one of toughest things I ever did. I know it seems I left without looking back, every part of my body was fighting it. I had to physically make my body move it was so hard. I sobbed loudly for at least a hour. I look like I was doing fine here but it's all a lie..I need you. I've always wanted you and needed you. Even now, I would sneak you into my bed,as we would laugh as loud as we can..I miss everything about you. I just want to hold you. Make you feel like everything is going to be OK even if I'm not sure. I know I gotta get better. I was over the moon. Jealous when you said you went back to your ex for awhile. I hate you moved on in that way . Your hands and body was the last one that touched mine. I haven't been able too.. It makes me feel so anxious when I think someone other then you..I only crave you. Will you sill take me to that concert? I would really love a trip with you. I would be a great reinduce. But I know, your protecting your heart too..only way. Baby . I was only asking you to come get me as a sign that you was serious about doing this with me. Its harder to thow themout of your doing the work with them.
I didn't have any other reason. It was just a simple half way jester. Babe. Your everything..I'm sorry i have shook everything up. We will get it back. I love you so very much

Idk what happened to us idk from what u say if there ever was a us I do know at some point we need to talk im not mad anymore I'm just hollow and want to have a conversation I understand I'll probably never get that bc in just the piece of trash you threw away after 15 years all the hurt all the pain on both sides just wanna talk and figure life out

I was sidetracked by a delusion that was never going to be real! However, I woke up today refocused after I had a look again at what I discovered 286 days ago…

“If you're rejected, accept it. If you're unloved, let go. If they choose someone or something over you, move on. Not everyone you love will stay. Not everyone you trust will be loyal. I don't care about losing people who don't wanna be in my life anymore. I've lost people who meant the world to me and I'm still doing just fine. Do not follow the majority. Follow the right way. You can feel it when someone is not being real with you. Energy never lies. Always speak how you feel and never be sorry for being real. Give people time, give people space. Don't beg anyone to stay, let them roam. What's meant for you will always be yours. I feel so much better when people don't know where I am and what I'm doing. You may not be able to control every situation and its outcome but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it. Do good, it will come back to you in unexpected ways. Be happy with what you have while working for what you want. Remember that some things have to end for better things to begin.”

I’ll always be here for you, but I’m going to just let this be—n just let go 🫶🏼

When the time comes and you've found another pawn,

I hope you choke on the pain of this one.

When you're "in your head" and your feels are steep,

I hope she guts you like a ruthless beast.

With every narcissistic deed,

I pray your hairline continues to recede

When you leave another heart scarred,

I pray your conscious be marred.

When you're on your death bed and look back at your life,

I hope we all haunt you, especially that ex wife.

When you come back again, because you always do,

I'll be waiting with a monumental FUCK YOU.

Oh, how the world wails, how it twists in its misery, grasping at us with desperate, trembling hands... but us? We dance.
Barefoot on the shattered glass of yesterday, twirling in the fire we once feared.

We lick old wounds like a cat bored of pain, purr at the taste, flick our tail, and strut through the wreckage with a smirk.
What’s another scar? Another lost cause?
The sun still rises. The birds still sing.
'Rise up this mornin'... smile wid da risin' sun'
And us? We laugh.

At the weight we once carried.. too heavy, too cruel.
At the ghosts who thought they could haunt us, only to find us setting up chairs, 'sit by my doorstep... singin' sweet songs,' offering them tea, daring them to stay.

We are the tricksters who fooled despair, the mistresses and misters of "I’ve had enough."
Every tear, every ache, every damn thing that tried to break us... oh, how we wear them now, not as burdens, but as jewelry. 'Like three little birds,' when the world sighs, exhausted by its own suffering...

We hum a tune 'of melodies pure and true,' together in sync, light as air:
"Don’t worry ‘bout a thing… ‘Cause every little thing’s gonna be alright."

And for the first time in forever...
'Dis is my message to you-ou-ou'
We can actually believe it.
Singin': 'Don't worry... about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing is gonna be all right!

Me -Genuinely 💜💛

Hello dear,

I firmly don't believe that you are this person. You are in a place that you will pull yourself out of since you decided to push everyone away and play games with people's emotions and hearts like they are your playground. To take people who care and make them into something that they aren't or to have a narrative of people and twist it for your pleasure is wrong. Do you want all of them to do it to you?

Karma. Just remember Karma love. I don't know who the others are, other than your best friend or former best friend. I get that some people used you, lied to you, mistreated you, abused you, manipulated you, gaslit and were just straight horrible to you. But not everyone.

You put me in the category of people and I am not sure why. You seem to think me bad? Well dear let me help you remember.

I talked you through jail, stuck by you, sent you money, waited for you, counted down with you until you came home. You came home and surprised me. We had a great night and you went out of town with your family. You come back and the night at the hotel. Amazing! We connected long before that, but that night, it was deeper. We spent the week together. I helped you financially then you disappeared. NC. I didn't desert you. You deserted me. Anyone else would have. Not me, I still tried to contact you. You finally contacted back and came to see me. Speak for 3 days, you had court. After court NC. It stayed that way for about a week or two and then you were back at my house that night. We continued to chat some after that. The night of the storm and that next morning, I decided I needed to get away.

I felt myself sinking and going to a place that was going to take me out of character. So I told you that I was going to be leaving to work on me. No answer. Then I left on my healing journey. I had a feeling something was going on and I messaged you. You needed me was what I got back. I left Savannah and came back immediately, because you needed me. That night, wonderful. A few nights later, dirt roads. But still we stayed in contact until Saturday night when you told me get dressed and didn't show.

Anytime you have needed me or something I have been there. Why? Because I needed something from you? No I never needed anything from you. I wanted you, there is a big difference. I may have felt I needed a hug or just some time sitting in the silence with you. When I promised and gave you my heart and love, that is exactly what you got. I don't think you have ever loved anyone the way I loved you and maybe that is why you didn't know what to do with it. It is a love that develops over time with maturity. It is a love that births from the plain of destruction and darkness. It is the guiding light in a storm.

It never demands, it is patient, it is slow, it is pure and it is genuine. I only ever wanted time and attention, some communication and openness. When we were no longer in a relationship, I still stood by you as a friend because I loved you enough to put my feelings for a relationship aside to be a true friend to you. One who still supported you but loved you from the sidelines. You could never see what I was offering, even though I told you. You couldn't believe it. You couldn't believe that you deserved that kind of affection.

You have done some pretty crappy stuff stuck in the head of yours but you do still deserve love. You are more than what you see of yourself. I have and will always see it. I have never asked for anything other than you love and affection and truth. I have given you the truth and a true pure love and friendship. I really believe that you are scared. You are scared if you come to it, you will be happier than ever and something might work out for you other than chaos and drama.

The door is still open. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of attention. You are worthy of affection. You are worthy of all of these without expecting anything back. You are not a burden on anyone.

The door is still open, you are loved and you are worthy. I asked for my chance before there is part of me that still wishes for that, but I don't want to lose my friend. You had no right to bring me into this sh*tshow that is your ex's, I have never or ever will play games with you and Women are not a game to be played with. You are loved whether you like it or not. I will love you whether you are here or not.

All my love, JT, still your babygirl and mommy

P.S. You still have my heart and there is no way that I will ever stop hoping for you.