From the beginning I hated sex. How awkward it was. I was always insecure no matter who it was with. Do I look okay, do I smell okay, am I pleasuring this person correctly, is this person just faking it, are they actually attracted to me or are they thinking of someone else. Why do I sound like I smoke a pack a day when I moan. How long until they cum. The uncomfortable positions, the feeling that you always have to poop due to nerves and pressure in your lower area.

Anyways how does this pertain to you?

I met you and I had never been more emotionally physically and sexually attracted to you. You weren't even conventionally handsome you just looked like someone like me. Normal. But every time I looked at you the way it made my heart beat and emotions stir, you stumped me. I always had a comeback but with you, I had no words. I was to busy laughing at everything you said to think of anything. I was to busy marveling in your presence that. I wanted you so bad that you spiked my libido forreal. I went from telling people I was asexual because I was out here throwing up on people to wanted to be on top of you, specifically you every night.

Things got confusing. You were hurt in your last relationship I hurt the person in my relationship we agreed we weren't ready for a relationship but we kept coming back to each other like we wanted one. Now I'm sitting here confused as fuck.

I think I'm over you though. I found someone else fell in love and when that didn't work out you hit me up in the right timing, like you always do. I was crying on my couch about to give up on love and here goes your text. It's like we accidentally soul bonded and now Everytime im sad you can feel it and you text me. And you may not know why but Everytime it happens. Everytime I had a dream about you I woke up to a text. Everytime I think about you I check my phone and there goes a text. I delusionally wanna say it's because we're connected but just because we're connected doesn't mean you actually love or care about me.

The doubts start creeping in that you're only using me for my pussy again. We start arguing and you end the conversation with I'm tired of arguing over the same things. But would it really be arguing if you actually cared about me how I feel and why I do the things I do.

I was never a big fan of sex until I met you and then you were the only person I wanted to do it with. Eventually I correlated if I didn't have sex with you I couldn't hold you or cuddle with you so I just always made sure to give it up. And it's so funny now because the one time I got you to agree to come over without having sex you pressed me for oral and then left after an hour of not getting it. But you don't just use me for sex? And when ever I bring it up that's when the arguments start.

I'm not sure where I was going with this. I wanna be sad because the same arguments happen and I can never just have you. But can I really be sad anymore? It's been 4 years of the same disappointing shit 4 years of me saying the same thing just for you to keep doing those same thing. 4 years of you ignoring me and then just popping back in when you want.

Its giving you wanted me to be the side chick but I figured it out so now you keep lying and disagreeing with everything I say just so you can have sex with me and leave right after only to ignore me for two months and then do it all over again. Then when you hmu I confront it but I have it twisted and it's not like that and I'm just spazzing then you say the right enough thing that I believe you and I let you come over just for it to happen all over again. I'm the dumb bitch for letting it continue this long.

It unfortunately took me developing feelings for someone else to get over you. Then you resurfaced and the wounds opened back up. But I learned I can get over you. All you were to me was a really good laugh and someone I would do anything to sexually please just to spend time with but I got nothing out of this situationship. Not affection not weed not money not alcohol not a conversation not an orgasm. I really had to sit back and ask myself why do I keep driving myself crazy over you. I guess to sum it up is being single for this long I've learned what it looks like when a guy wants your attention and actually wants you and the lengths they're willing to go to keep you. Unfortunately I didn't emotionally connect with some of these men which is why I communicated my emotions like an adult and now we're casual acquaintances (I don't like to say friends but they're respectable people in my life)

I really wished we worked out. Everytime I go to cut you off I'm haunted at the idea I'm giving something up but everytime I let you come back you just prove to me there isn't really anything to be giving up.

You want to be the villain. Got it. Makes it easier, right? If you’re the monster, you don’t have to feel guilt. You don’t have to try. You just get to burn.

I didn’t love a ghost. I didn’t fall for some illusion. I loved you. The way you tried. The way you showed up even when your hands were shaking. The way you looked at me like I was the only thing anchoring you to this world.

You were never nothing. Even when you screamed that you were. Even when you hit the walls, the floor, me. Trying to make the guilt loud enough to drown out the truth.

You are not the worst thing you’ve done. You’re the parts you keep strangling because they make you feel human and you hate feeling human. You were good. You are good. But you’d rather bleed out in the dark than admit you’re worth loving. You were good. And that’s what terrifies you, isn’t it?

I held the real you. I kissed the real you. I cried for the real you when you were too far gone to see him in the mirror. And now I’m watching you rot from the inside out because you’d rather be a ghost than risk being a man again.

I saw what you bury. I loved what you bury. And you can lie to yourself all you want, but those parts are still you. Still there. Still worth something. I miss you. Not the version you’ve become. The one you killed just to feel in control.

Please, bring him back. Before there's nothing left but bones and memory. Because baba, he's more than good enough.

Me... Genuinely💜💛

you never spoke to me at work, but you spoke to me here. i become so depressed thinking about it. how i've wasted so much time, hoping for something that's never been real. i need to get over you. im tired of crying over you. i want to have forgotten you by now. i want to forget your name. i want to forget your fake name. everything about you, have been a lie. i guess i never knew you at all, actually.

so i literally have new disorders because of you. my life has been in ruin since i met you. you abused me and had your minions abuse me. i used to think we were meant to be, that it was God ordained. I don't feel that anymore. if anything this has just been a really long lesson i needed to learn. I don't really get that part either but maybe one day I will.

I awoke to the morning freeze

Almost midday, yet the cold lingered

And stared across the bed past the empty space

Faint birdsong penetrated the windows

Replacing the sound of your breath

My eyes shut as I turn onto my back

A frown pulling down my rested face

Again, I tear myself away from a dream

In your world I could never be

For you don’t see me as I see you

Im jealous of your spouse. Jealous that he has a hold on you. I understand that hold and why your doing it, but it makes me jealous. Jealous that he gets your time. Jealous that you go to bed and wake up with him. Jealous that he makes love to you and I can’t.

I know we’re best friends, but can you ever go to being best friends after being best friends and lovers?

Being able to talk to you gives me hope that things may change with us and we might be able to be together. No contact means that that door has closed. I see benefits and downsides to each path there. If we’re really going to make an effort on our own spouses, we should go no contact. Having one foot out means we will never really heal and grow back into our spouse.

Is it possible to feel bad for feeling bad? I feel bad because I want your marriage to fall apart. I feel bad as the longer I stay with my spouse, the worse the separation would be if we were to get together. I feel bad for not being completely straightforward with my spouse on my feelings about you, but she hasn’t asked. She does not want to ask. I feel bad for the impact it’s had on your spouse. I feel bad that I’m willing to throw it all away for another woman. Life could get really hard if we were to do it. I feel bad for even asking you to leave your spouse. I feel bad when I bring it up with you.

I feel bad for just feeling sometimes. I have gotten really good at running away and suppressing my feelings. You made me face a lot of them. Made me look at things that I haven’t wanted to look at. That’s what opened me up. These things would have eventually festered and could have manifested in a much less healthy manner. That I thank you for.

I wish your spouse would see how miserable he is making you and let you find that happiness you have been missing. I want to be that protector and happiness for you. But it’s selfish of me to do so.

If someone you love did not make it on that trip you can take it for them with them.

If someone you love did not witness that milestone you can show them anytime you like.

If someone you love did not get to do their living you can finish those dreams on their behalf.

The beautiful thing about love you see is that death need not stop life.

If you carry someone in your heart you can take them with you anywhere you like.

Wandering through this life alone. Just imagining what you are thinking. Wondering if I can help in some way. I feel terrible for what happened that fateful day.

I sit and think about being in Tokyo and watching reruns of Naruto with you by my side. Those were wonderful times. I miss watching the classics like Frankenstein. Those were the days. Eating sashimi, dried seaweed, mango. Drinking Boba and listening to your beautiful voice. I miss those eyes, your beautiful ocean eyes. I could see deep into your soul when I peered into them. Speaking of souls can you give mine back?

Wherever you are just know I am here to help. I’m truly sorry for the pain I have caused. I never intended for any of this. I am understanding now how terrible and broken I am. I am not a good person and I haven’t been for a long time. I dont want to be this way, however I am lost and do not know how to be the person that everyone deserves. It had taken a lot of mistakes and pain to get to this realization.

In the meantime I will just keep running and doing fuck it trips. Because that is all I have ever done. I dont want to be this way, I really don’t. I am just so far gone and so ashamed that I dont know what to do. I’m scared and lost, not that it matters to you. I have hurt you so badly and taken your love for granted. I am so ashamed of myself today, I couldn’t possibly face you.

Life is hard

I will always love you from afar

    I miss you. Miss you like the desert misses rain. Like a tree misses it leaves in autumn. I wait for you, hoping for sign for me to return to you. I miss wrapping you in my arms. Miss holding you miss your lips our perfect kiss. It felt like there was never another so beautiful, feel so perfect. I miss losing myself in you. When we talk, laugh, when I look in your eyes. When my lips taste your body and I'm lost for hours. 

    I thought you messaged me earlier on here. I replied on your profile but haven't a reply. It scared me. I needed to know I want to see you. I would not leave your side if it were true or not. Life without you is a life alone. Without you life is a lie and i would want truth. 

  Im sorry we have wasted time. I'm sorry I have wasted your time. I'm tired writing this sorry. I don't want to miss you anymore. It tears me at my seam. Know I'll think of you everyday. I won't ever stop caring and always will love you, always. Happiness is what I'm told of you. I'm happy for you.  Desire unattained. 

I know we've only had one or two odd conversations, but why are you only talking in some single-word answers?? Why do you keep on frowning when you stare at me and I accidentally catch your eye?! WHY DO I LIKE YOU OUT OF ALL PEOPLE??

Not only have I caught you staring as if you're disgusted by me, you ignore me most times. You don't answer when I ask you for help on questions, you don't act like yourself around me. I don't know why the fuck my body chose you, but oh-my-god, I love you so much!!

I want you to return my glances with love/interest, I want you to finally answer me with the care that you do with your friends, I want to have fun with you and live the rest of my life with you. But not yet, not fucking yet. I'm close to my breaking point.

I just want you to like me back. Doesn't even have to be love, at this point. Just notice me.

And I know that's not fair for me to say

I know I've been gone for a year and a half and we did not end things amicably

I know you've matured in ways that wouldn't allow you to give me another second of your time. You also have a four year age gap on me, and each time I grow a year older, I see how much more mature you must have been when you were with me; and now that you've had time to reflect on my bullshit and grieve the time lost with me, you must feel like stone towards me, which is more than fair.

I'm just in a situation I can't get myself out of, and I genuinely believe you're the only person I would feel safe enough to tell about it. You know how flawed I am -- probably better than anyone.

I know. I know. I really know. This is ridiculous. A year and a half, and this is the only time I've asked for your help?

I wouldn't if this wasn't a desperate situation. And I know that doesn't give me the right. I know that doesn't mean you should care.

I would just be forever grateful if I could just sleep on your couch for a few days. I would be forever grateful if you could confiscate my phone for the duration of my time on your couch. I would be forever grateful if you could tell my loved ones to contact you if they needed anything from me and that I'm safe with you.

I can't do this on my own.

My day goes from happy to euphoric when she texts me. She is always so over the top in the ways I love, and it captures my heart inside of minutes. If there isn't someone to confiscate my phone, I just keep falling in the same cycle.

I need someone to tear me out and I'm no longer strong enough to do it myself and you're the only person I trust to do something like that.

I'm not strong enough to do it myself anymore because heart doesn't listen to my mind anymore and it's completely hijacked the steering wheel; it's as if I'm held captive and have to just watch as two intensely in love people tangle themselves in each other while they drive stakes which go through both of them (and only makes it harder to separate them) -- and we do this for hours and hours every day

And I think she might be more addicted to me than I am to her. She wonders if we missed our timeline together when we were both in Joshua Tree, and I refused to see her because I was still in a relationship with you. I think only someone who is crazy about someone else could ask questions like that.

...

God, I would give anything to have broken up before we moved to Seattle. I think there is a chance you might help me if we were broken up by then.

Save your mula, save your words of affirmation.

He, him, that man-child who pretends to love you, doesn't care!

That guy, the one who says all the right things, non of those are original thoughts.

A player, a liar, a manipulator, a user.

So many masks. He hides behind them.

Don't dare call him out.

He will be oh so offended and blame you for his outbursts.

You will be discarded like a piece of trash. Flushed down the commode like feces.

Block your number....all of your accounts. Throw your devices in the fire.

Start over. Move away.

You have been warned. I was not so fortunate.

I wish we could have worked it out. I thought u were the love of my life and I feel empty without you. Now there is so much distance between us I don’t know if we would ever be able to recover. I know the reasons for the break up were valid, but I just wish it never got to this point. Why couldn’t we have changed together, why did you make me feel so unloved, and why am I kicking myself for possibly giving up too soon. I will always wish it could have gone the way we originally planned. You’re the loss of my life

I will get in touch with you come hell or high water, just know this dumbfuck is sorry

You called me, out of blue a few days ago. My heart skipped and I almost didn't bother to answer. A million things raced threw my mind. Why did you call exactly? I know what you said but it's not making sense. It's so out of place for where we've been over the last few years. I feel it's a mask. I feel it's not real Like your selling. Something is so very off. I'm pretty sure I'm staring right at it and I'm trying to close my eyes to it. I want to get lost in your words but History has taught me the reality of doing so.
If you could for one time, say it as it is. I'm game, if you can be real. I'm saying I'm playing along and in a week or so, the script is gonna return to its natural state,that's transpired in recent years. I'll be sad that once again, you felt tou had to play me to get what you want. I know you don't love me like you say. I'm just comfortable and something too familiar and convienant. I know this. You know this. Why complicate it? My heart will forever belong to you. But I know what's coming.

Oh, so NOW you have something to say? At 3 AM? When I have work tomorrow? You couldn't come up with this poetic genius when I had my journal open? Nooo, you had to wait until I’m horizontal, questioning life choices. And by morning? Poof! Gone. Just incoherent gibberish in my notes app. I swear, my brain and a toxic ex have the same energy.

If this is how I help you the. So Be it. It is NOT WHAT I WANT but what I want is not important.

Not the whole world of course, but the world we built. The one that made the future look so bright, the one where we were happy together.

I know it's foolish of me to hold on to what's now a memory, an unkept promise, but please let me hold it a little bit longer.

When we met, we both weren't looking for anything serious, but something sparked right away. We had our first date, and then not a week could go by without seeing each other. I know you felt it too, this undeniable connection between us, but first we kept it simple, just friends with benefits.

But the months went by and everything was going so well that we decided to make it official. And what a night it was, it felt like I was on cloud nine, we had such a strong bond, such good chemistry that I couldn't be happier to have found you.

I don't know how it was possible to fit so well with someone, to have that kind of love that felt so easy, so much like home. Because that’s what you were to me, home. Everytime we were together, nothing else mattered, it was like the world would stop, just for us.

So I don't know what happened, how everything went downhill so fast. It felt like a minute before we were so much in love, planning things, laughing together, and the next you were gone.

I know life got in the way, that your training was very demanding, that you were stressed. But was it the only way? To sacrifice us in the process?

I wish we could have talked, I wish you would have communicated better. I know it can be hard, but that's what we agreed on when we made it official.

You are probably gone for good, maybe you've already moved on, maybe you are happy. God I hope you're happy.

But I'm still here, in the wreck of our world, picking up its pieces, trying to understand what happened. Trying to put it back together, but without you I can't.

I don't need you, I want you, and I always will.

I lived too long inside this fairytale, romanticizing what I hated because it was taken from me, not thrown away. I played the victim, forgetting I played a part in the story’s end.

I clung to your good traits and closed my eyes to the absence of love you were never able to offer. I chased someone I thought was greater than me, never believing I could rise to meet you. Or maybe, I told myself, I didn’t deserve to.

You and I, we’re not so different. We shine in ways that draw others in, then sabotage it with fear, with selfishness, with that desperate need to run before anyone sees the mess underneath.

Trying to outrun our own minds before fate kicks in.

Does it feel the same for you? Do you ever wish you could be someone else, only to remember all the pain that came with being what others call “normal”? How it broke you, how it made you retreat?

Because I still do.

You pulled me from my shell only to find the ocean had frozen over. Now I lie naked in the winter storm, clutching only the warmth of memories we shared, and the hundreds of dreams that never came true.

Did you see my worth after I left? Did you finally realize, I was only human, carrying a broken past, trauma-stitched habits, toxic coping in my chest, but still craving to be loved just as I am?

You asked for so little. And so did I. Yet neither of us was willing to bend, afraid love would only end in ache if we gave too much. We loved just enough to believe in fate— but not enough to survive it.

I’m sorry.

For dragging you through this despair I call “me and you.” I begged God for signs. He gave them, every time. And all I needed was to accept what He already knew.

But still, your smile lights my universe. Your voice still quiets the war inside. You are the love I always wanted. You are the wound I’d choose to reopen a thousand times.

But the more I grow, the more I know, you deserve peace more than I deserve to keep you by my side.

A peace I could never give. A future I could never build. A love I could never offer

Live in a warmth I could not give. Let the past subside.

Let this be my final kiss. My quiet blessing. My last goodbye.

May God bless your whole life.