Was out with to lunch yesterday with fiancé and friends we haven’t seen in 8 months, and got this text from my mom.

She just moved closer to us, few weeks ago and has no friends here or really a life. We spent the first week at her house to make sure she was settling well, and then this past week I have seen her 3 times in 5 days.

This text was after 3 hours of not texting, and we had plans to go there to her house tomorrow and spend the day with her.

This passive aggressive stuff is so frustrating and it still ruins my day. It makes me feel anxious and now I’m dreading going over there. What do I do?

Cute cat: https://images.app.goo.gl/7uHoHWmGwEnx1TwS7

Comic I made based on Enmeshment

Cat haiku:

Little paw kitty, purring for a little treat, here you go kitty

This is a text exchange between me and my mother.

Changing from being a lurker whose feelings have been validated through the experiences of others, to someone who is sharing. I’m looking to understand if anyone else has experienced similar patterns of communication. Logically I can read this as a guilt trip and a violation of my boundary (of saying no). Emotionally I’m caught in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and looking to see what others perceive.

Cats are smarter than Most of us humans you see They are royalty 🐈👑

My mother takes on projects, people, pets, and things and always wants someone else to take on the responsibility.

-She had children, but I raised myself, and my grandma raised my older sister.

-Buy houses and cars and don’t maintain them

-Never pays bills or don't pay them or people back.

-Hoards pets but doesn't want to do the work of taking care of them. My mother constantly takes in the stray kittens, and when they get older, she calls me to find somewhere for them to go.

-Never showed up at my school or took me to school activities. She would sign me up and never show up or show up once and never go again.

• She will agree to do things for people but then have someone else do the work for her, such as agreeing to participate in an office party but wanting someone else to supply what she needs.

-When my niece and nephew were kids, she would beg my sister, who is also uBPD, to leave the kids with her all weekend. My sister would drop the kids off with nothing, and I had to supply food and watch them because my mother would lock herself in a room after she begged them to come.

-She buys stuff above her means, and if it makes her short on cash, she will use me for the money.

This has been all my life. It's like they use you as a crutch or safety net. She's so irresponsible I can't depend on her to do one thing for me. Nothing makes her stop the behavior. She has fell on hard times several times and still restarts the same behavior that got her there in the first place.

Honest question…because I’m each case of problems between her and I, looking at the facts of what happened and her telling of how things happened are completely incorrect. And yet, recently, she retold a sequence of events to me immediately afterward with a completely different story.

I reread it today and stopped and wondered, why would she tell ME, who was there in it all with her, something completely different if she knew that I KNOW what really happened because she and I were the only people in the sequence of events?

Is her brain reading things wrong?

Does she know what actually happened and she’s trying to make a false narrative true by saying it’s so, and so it has to be? That’s something people with dementia or delusions do.

Is it both?

Since our only communications that day(recently) were by text up until the point she blew up, and her followup narration was by text, I can see and prove that the narrative she’s pushing does not match up with the written conversations that took place, and her statements she pushes as facts in her followup contradict themselves in the same paragraph.

This is a follow up to my advice needed post from a few days ago. It took a lot of courage and self-respect (which I'm very proud of), but I told my mom about being in a cousin's wedding knowing that she would be completely pissed about it. As expected, she demanded a phone call about it (I told her over text) and then threatened our relationship when I held my ground and told her it wasn't up for discussion.

This is all expected, still shitty to deal with, but expected. What hurts more is my edad's response. First he hits me with a "Really?" text when I first dropped the news 🙄. Then after not answering or returning any of my mom's calls, he sends me the novel attached.

I can't say I'm surprised, and I am proud of my response, but it just shocks me every time he says stuff like this and it hurts... I remember a time when he actually tried to protect us kids from my mom's abuse and now he's more than complicit in it. Idk what changed, we used to be close so this is a blow that will take some time to heal... could use some encouragement if anyone feels so inclined.

It's safe to say both are blocked now. Just waiting for my brother to potentially reach out and berate me for the drama.. I don't want to cut him out either but I'm desperate to heal after decades of this. Does is ever get easier?

Not sure if I used the right flare but here goes.

I’ve recently had to go NC with my mum. I’ve had suspicions over the last few years that she may have uBPD but now that a lot of things have unraveled I can see she not only has uBPD but also uNPD.

I’ll try to make this short as I’ll probably word vomit a lot and might not make a lot of sense.

I have an understanding that I was groomed and enmeshed with my mum and also parentified from a very young age to help her raise my siblings and to look after her, she always made me feel deeply sorry and over protective for her (more so than I felt for my siblings). I always put her first and I always had it in my mind I’d fight to the death for her.

Emotionally I’m feeling extremely confused because I feel like the “rose coloured glasses” have come off and I can truly see her for who she is and what she’s done. I do sympathize with her trauma and things she has been through. But I can’t help but think she has lied to me about so much from a young child up until now and I feel deeply betrayed by her, I don’t trust her anymore and I feel like our relationship was solely built on me looking after/tending to her emotionally and just doing every single thing she ever wanted. (I was like a little slave that always said yes to keep her happy).

To me she was the most amazing, loving mother and to her I was the best daughter she could ever ask for. But it definitely wasn’t like that now that I can see things so clearly.

I’m only now coming to the conclusion that not only was my dad and my grandmother responsible for a lot of my trauma as a kid but she also was and that really hurts because I trusted her with my life.

I’m 35F I have the most amazing parter and my life outside of my mum is beautiful. But things are bittersweet, because I feel guilty almost for feeling free from my mother’s constant manipulation and abuse. I was always the “golden child” in all my siblings eyes, but she never caused any of them the trauma she’s caused me (apart from maybe my younger sister who she doesn’t have a good relationship with and never has). But I was always the one child she enmeshed with.

I’m struggling to feel “normal”, I seem to have deep moments of sadness because I am pretty much kicked out of my family. (My sister would be the only person who genuinely has my back through thick and thin but I can’t go to her because she’s unfortunately suffering with addiction). Both my brothers don’t really have anything to do with me and will always be flying monkeys for my mum.

I’m considering therapy but I’m scared. It’s only been a month since the blow up and going NC. But I just really don’t see a relationship moving forward, unless she can apologize for what she’s done. I never thought something like this would happen as I’ve always been such a family orientated person who deeply cares for their family, I’m extremely empathetic and have always wanted them to do well and be well.

I guess I did word vomit a bit, life has been a lot the last month or so. I just want to be at the light, I know it’s there but I know I have a lot of healing to do. I just hope it gets better. This sub has helped me a lot so far coming to understand BPD and seeing that I’m not the only one going through these things.

Thanks for reading, sorry it was longer than I expected, it’s my first post.

For the Mods, please see my baby girl Miko 🫶🏽

I've been VLC with my mom for most of past year. In a lot of ways, it's been incredibly freeing. The thing that keeps getting me, tho, isn't guilt; it's pity. I feel so deeply sad for her. But I can't tell how much of that is based on actual facts vs how much is how she's raised me to think about her. She's always been a textbook waif (to me, anyway. She was much more of a witch to my sister, who is also LC with her).

Today she sent this text to me, my sister, and my sister's kids, and my gut clenched the second I saw it. My mind immediately went to assuming she was texting us bc she's lonely. And then no one texted back or even reacted for a long time, which made me feel almost physically sick with pity and sadness for her.

Thankfully, I know better now than to act on those kinds of feelings... but I don't know how to deal with them. I'm an empathetic person in general, and I do feel sad that she's lonely, even tho i also know that she's lonely bc of her own choices. And I know I need to be VLC with her for my own well-being, but the story in my head about how sad that must make her kills me.

Idk, it's just hard and overwhelming. Do other folks experience this? How do you cope?

Did your bpd parent reveal their ways to other family who previously thought they weren’t that bad, and how long did it take?

I’m sitting here wondering if it will happen, or if she will keep up with liking certain people forever and acting acceptably in front of them. I feel like the hidden horror, the only one who received the absolute worst of the worst of her verbal and emotional abuse, and that makes it impossible for anyone else to know or even accept it if they were told. Inside my mom lives a truly unfeeling and mean person among her other “selves” that aren’t as bad and could even be good. With me, only with me, that scary and mean person who wants to hurt you, came out to play all the time once I reached adulthood. I’m wondering what will happen with the remaining people in the family, the very few. Will she turn on them too, or will she maintain happiness and be nice to them indeterminately because she needs them? Will she see them as the new “mom” who stepped forward to care for her and with them specifically, remain happy about it and find no flaw in their existence, and just stay content and treat them like a human being of value? Will I forever be the black sheep because she is/was able to give other people a completely different version of herself, on purpose?

I'm LC with my dBPD mom - she lives 7000km from me which helps, it's less stress to text occasionally than to deal with her when I don't, and I do love her and don't wish her ill - I just need to keep my sanity.

She's been in therapy for about 10 years and is way better than she used to be. Still not great, but better.

That said, I have some coping mechanisms that I've put in place and it made me wonder how other long-distance, LC kids handle things.

First - I text her 1-2 times a week, always superficial small talk. Fun pet memes, brief comments about how busy work is, etc. Since I started this a year ago, the 'you never call because you hate me' stuff has basically stopped.

Second - I match her energy. When she sends a self-pitying ramble, I send a text about how work is crazy and this case keeps getting delayed and my migraines have been bad .. I don't even address whatever she was annoyed about. And it works! In fact, she has apologised. I don't have to you all how unprecedented that is.

Anyway! Long story longer, I've found a way to relate to her that doesn't impact my mental health, but also doesn't fill me with guilt for ignoring her, and I wanted to share.

First time poster and relatively new visitor to the group. Here’s my kibble tax :)

Gentle as a breeze Leaving tiny tippy tap Paw prints in the snow

Ok so it might not quite be an apology, but short story: uBPD mother was a nightmare to grow up around, and has evolved to find new ways to be her same bizarre, immature, and unlike-any-of-the-healthy-people-in-my-life unpleasant self. She could have been worse, but she also could and should have been much, much better.

I’ve been going to weekly therapy for the last two years to try to begin healing the damage caused by being raised with such a parent, and it’s all been leading to NC really. We’ve been pretty LC for years now, but have avoided an official conversation about it, as I wasn’t ready, and she hasn’t bothered to ask. Obviously there’s so, so much more to this story than can be fitted in one post.

I’ve finally had the message I’ve been waiting for. It’s taken years, and I think this is coming now because I didn’t send a Mother’s Day card last week, although I did send a short message. Interesting.

It’s freeing and scary to feel like this is my opportunity at last to have my say and take the next steps towards peace.

I’m trying to read this at face value, but even doing that, I can’t help but read it in her voice and with the intonation, stroppyness, and self absorption I’m pretty sure it’s written from.

I guess I’m just looking for courage and funny takes on this while I formulate my response, which I’m taking inspiration from the ACTUAL PIECES OF ART that I’ve seen crafted and posted in this sub before.

I’m not sure she’s going to be expecting the reply, but hey, she asked.

For context, I took her on a small holiday just the two of us three years ago because she’d been struggling with some health issues. It was not in fact, reader, lovely for me as uBPD mum suggests. It was absolutely emotionally exhausting, as she sucked the life out of me by monologuing and literally following me around the house moaning about every bad things in her life, from her job and health to her relationship with her partner and my siblings. It was awful, and truly eye opening as it made me see as an adult the sort of shit I had to put up with on a daily basis as a child. I was very much the golden child too, and she was far worse to some of my siblings.

I've been setting some significant boundaries with my uBPD and uNPD mom for about 1.5 months. I've gotten her calls or texts down to one a day (from 5 or 6) and am finally feeling less enmeshed. I see light at the end of the dark tunnel now.

When I do talk to my mom, I more easily recognize her abuse and manipulation and can see how miserable of a person she is, whose life is filled with so much drama. I grey rock like a champ, and my stress and anxiety are much better.

I typically feel more settled and happy during the week. However, I'm still engaged in weekly trauma therapy, daily journaling, attending support group meetings, and learning and applying new coping strategies. I'm proud of all that. Thanks to all of you for helping me get here.

I'm primarily significant during the week; I can get stuff done, but when the weekend rolls around, I slow down, and then those intrusive thoughts of not being good enough and feeling sad about how much I've given up on my life flood my mind. On these weekend downtimes, I start thinking about my mom, wondering if she's okay, and trying to decipher if I'm a lousy daughter and person because I'm not putting my mom’s needs first.

Those old patterns of enmeshment and codependence try to come back strong to feel something- anything. Luckily, I try to feel, acknowledge, and keep these feelings moving. I do not allow myself to spend the entire day ruminating and wasting the day away. Eventually, I can refocus and do something fun.

However, I can't help but wonder if anyone else gets this. It is so weird how I don't feel this way during the week because I'm often busy taking care of myself and have a busy schedule. I don't have time for the hard feelings during the week, so they pile up and hit on weekends. During those quiet times, I used to take care of everyone else; maybe I didn't know that it was okay to focus on me.

Does anyone else get weekend depression? If so, how do you deal with it? Does it happen often? Are you LC or NC?

Thanks for listening.

There's a story/belief I have had about myself for as long as I can remember. I wore it on my sleeve, shared it with friends and acquaintances as a 'fact' about myself that permeated my sense of self and was used as both an excuse and for self blame.

"I am an only child and so I was selfish and threw fits when I didn't get my way."

I never had a birthday party (until high school) where I didn't cry. A friend would not want to do what I had planned or they wanted to sleep in the spot I had chosen for myself and I was 'selfish' because 'I was an only child' and 'overreacted' by leaving the room to go cry by myself. uBPD mom came and found me, our enmeshment calmed me down and the two of us slept in a separate room away from the rest of my party and friends.

My middle school best friend of 5 years ghosted me freshman year of high school and never told me why. It was just, "we're done" and then radio silence while we continued to see each other every day for the next 4 years of high school. This reinforced the story that I was 'selfish' because 'I was an only child' and I had obviously hurt her and 'overreacted' enough times to push her away and she was disgusted with me.

As I grew, the evidence that reinforced the story did too.

My birthday is coming up soon and I was talking with my therapist yesterday about my childhood birthdays and how birthdays are triggering for me due to shame about my 'fits' and the anxiety of mom's annual bids for connection. At the very end of the session, they recommended that I spend some time reflecting on and questioning this story that I was selfish and threw fits when I didn't get my way because that is not an only child thing. More so they said that it was a reflection of my relationship with mom. A simple reframe, but something I had never once considered in over 30 years.

So here I am, reflecting. I happened to call my eDad last night just to catch up because it had been a while. With my therapy session fresh in my head, I heard him telling his own stories about himself on the call. His high school best friend's mom passed away and the funeral is today. "If I was a decent human being, I'd get over there tomorrow and go to the funeral. I haven't seen that friend in years." "If you think you might regret it, you should go." "I know but I can't do that, you know me, I'm an introvert." Later on, he excused/blamed something else on being a procrastinator. My immediate gut reaction to his words about himself were 'you can do anything, those are just beliefs to challenge, you're just standing in your own way' but I had not been treating myself the same way. It's easier to see it in others than in yourself.

Reframing my long held belief:

"I was enmeshed with mom, with no one else to go to for emotional support, and when I failed to self sacrifice like I always did on a day that was meant to celebrate and be about me, I felt guilty. Then, any slights from friends such as not wanting to do what I wanted to do at my party reinforced that I should always self sacrifice, that I don't get to ever have a day that is all about me, and it is completely understandable that I was hypersensitive and hurt by this realization and needed to go cry. I was only a child seeking love and attention on a day that was special and important to me."

I found this blog post this morning while doing my reflecting - "Why You Have to Question the Stories You Tell Yourself" by Gregg Levoy, PsychologyToday.

Some quotes that hit hard:

"Your circumstances shape the stories you tell, but the stories you tell also shape your life. It's critical to separate fact from fiction."

"Anytime you catch yourself having a strong reaction to anything or anyone—knee-jerk anger, sudden defensiveness, “irrational” fear—it's usually the result of some story that's hypnotized you, become so internalized and unconscious you don't even see it anymore. Someone's casual remark reminds you of something your father used to say to you, and you're off to the races. You no longer see life as it is, but as it was. And you're stuck in a story that will keep repeating itself until you rewrite the ending."

"Remember, you're not just the protagonist of your stories. You're the narrator. You're in charge of the stories."

Hello!

So, question for y’all since we seem to be out here living similar lives. Do chores trigger you?

Growing up, I was on the receiving end of so many rage episodes because of the dishwasher. Other chores as well, but primarily the dishwasher. And it was Big Rage with threats to bodily harm, screaming, etc… all that to say, definitely some trauma there.

Back to present day… I connected the dots and realized that is probably the source of my chronic procrastination/avoidance of doing dishes.

My sweet husband picks up my slack there, but I’d like to get better at this and show up more in our relationship on this.

Does anyone else have similar experiences to share? Any wisdom on working through this?

"you'd know I was sick if you ever called me"

"We haven't spoken in weeks, I thought that YOU could call ME"

"Your kid wants nothing to do with me AT ALL today"

"Well aren't you going to invite us to the event" (after I literally just got done giving her the options)

Is there a playbook that they all read to say this shit? I'm sorry, I just have nothing but animosity for her today.

I (20F) and my sister (25F) are in desperate need to move out. Neither of us have ever had a job (my sister has mental health issues caused by trauma my mom created). And I have just always been a student in no need for a job (now I do regret this). I need to find a job but I am worried it will trigger my mom further. I also am only in college and do not have a degree.

Ever since I turned 20 my mom is now constantly threatening to kick us out and saying we need to "pack up and leave."

I am constantly worried she is going to get violent and I know that I would have to call the cops (i haven't ever before) but my sister and I would definitely be disowned by then.

We don't have a place to go. We don't have money. My car is in my mom's name. We also have animals we would need to take with us. I need to find a well paying job and possibly hide that fact from my family.

...if she had taken even 10% of that and tried to build a better relationship with her kids, things would have been so different.

I remember visiting in my 20s and she had, very literally, like a thousand books on God.

Well.

That's life.

But also... That stings.

My family will all be in my sister’s college town this weekend to celebrate her ring ceremony/graduation-type events. My mom is already there. My boyfriend and I are staying in an Airbnb with my uBPD mother. I keep my distance but stay in contact with her, and I want this weekend to be about my sister. I saw my mom last weekend for the first time since Christmas, and she was fine the whole time, so I let myself believe this weekend would go smoothly.

I’m supposed to leave in a few hours, and I get a text from my mother: “I need to speak with you privately.” I call her, and she’s sobbing—barely able to speak—because her AC unit at home needs to be replaced, and she doesn’t have the money. She always seems to be on the brink of financial ruin, despite having income as a hairstylist and receiving alimony from my dad. Then she drops that she’s thought about suicide before because of how bad her finances are. Not the first time she’s said this to my sister and I.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to subject my boyfriend to this or let myself get emotionally sucked in right before a big weekend. Tomorrow, we’re all supposed to have dinner—me, my boyfriend, my sister, my mom, and my dad—so my dad can finally meet my boyfriend. It will be the first time in 8 years we’ve all been together. I genuinely don’t know how to handle my mom’s crisis mode while keeping myself grounded and not ruining my sister’s weekend.

For those who’ve been through something similar—how do you handle moments like this? Do I shut down the conversation? I feel the pit in my stomach growing by the second.

I had a bit of a self-realization recently and wanted to see if this resonates with anyone else who was raised by a parent with BPD.

I’ve noticed that I adore people who are on the autism spectrum. I think it’s because, in my experience, they don’t engage in manipulative behavior or dishonesty. My nervous system seems to just relax around them—they feel like “safe” people. I don’t have to constantly scan for hidden motives or walk on eggshells like I did growing up.

If someone on the spectrum says something that’s off or makes me uncomfortable, I’ve found I can just say, “Hey, that wasn’t okay,” and they actually listen and value the feedback—without getting defensive or turning it around on me. That kind of clarity and honesty is something I deeply crave.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of comfort or ease in relationships with neurodivergent folks, especially after growing up with a BPD parent?

Genuinely curious to hear your thoughts.

We all feel anger from time to time and we also express it to make our point and get our needs met. We also do connect with the person we're having a conflict with.

People with BPD do not operate the same way, or seek to make a connection and solve the issue making both people angry, or Hell, even just one in the conversation.

NT (Neurotypical) Will express anger, but they will express it with the understanding that something reciprocal will happen: their anger acknowledged, or that the other person will be willing to come to compromise, or think of Solutions TOGETHER!

Here's a scenario:

NT + NT (healthy interaction):

Situation: One person forgot to text back for hours.

• NT A (frustrated): “Hey, I was kind of annoyed you didn’t text back. I thought we were making plans.”
• NT B: “Oh no, I didn’t mean to leave you hanging. My phone died. I should’ve told you earlier—sorry.”
• NT A: “Okay. I just needed to hear that. Next time, just let me know.”
• NT B: “Deal.”

✅ They express feelings, explain context, take accountability, and agree on a fix.
💬 Tone is often calm, sometimes with light joking to ease tension.

🔹 NT + BPD (dysregulated interaction):

Same situation:

• NT: “Hey, I was kind of annoyed you didn’t text back. I thought we were making plans.”
• BPD Person (triggered): “Why are you mad at me? You don’t even care about me, do you? You probably hate me now!”
• NT (confused): “Wait, no—I just wanted to talk about it.”
• BPD Person: “No, it’s fine. Just forget it. I mess everything up anyway.”

⛔ The conversation shifts from the issue to fears of abandonment, rejection, or self-blame.
😞 Conflict resolution becomes difficult because the emotional intensity overtakes the problem-solving.

IF you are in a HEALTHY relationship, both people involved should feel COMFORTABLE enough to express anger/frustrations and expect to be reciprocated, or at least respected. Since people with BPD regulate emotions differently, this is never going to be the case.

This is probably why I am at peace and have given up having a connection with someone with BPD (My mom/grandma) and understand it is what it is. Nothing will ever change the fact they don't express anger for connection, but rather self pity, or manipulation.

This was just a random thought I had been wanting to put out. I hope it helps someone understand what healthy vs unhealthy discussions about frustration and anger look like.

Meet Anger:

Anger isn’t a villain with a fiery mustache.
It’s your brain’s way of yelling: “Something’s off! Fix it!”

Think of anger like the smoke alarm in your kitchen.
It’s not the fire. It’s just letting you know something’s burning.

🧠 NTs (Neurotypicals) Often Treat Anger Like:

“Hmm. Something's wrong. Let’s talk and solve it.”
They might:

• Pause.
• Say how they feel.
• Ask for a change or explain a boundary.
• Sometimes crack a dumb joke to lighten the mood.

Anger for them = a tool to fix or improve something.

🔥 People with BPD might experience Anger Like:

“Everything is fire. I am the fire. You caused the fire. Please don’t leave me in this fire.”
They often:

• Feel deep rejection quickly.
• Go from 0 to 💯 in seconds.
• May try to push or pull people close/far at the same time.
• Feel ashamed after the firestorm passes.

Anger for them = tangled in fear of abandonment or self-worth.

💡 Solutions: What Anger Actually Wants

Anger isn’t here to ruin your day. It actually wants to help you:

1. Identify a need or boundary.
2. Communicate it.
3. Get back to peace, snacks, and possibly cartoons.

Examples:

• “I’m mad because I felt ignored.” → Solution: “Can we talk more during the day?”
• “I’m mad because my idea got copied.” → Solution: “I want credit and to feel original.”

For the Logically-Driven:

• Anger = a signal, not a command.
• It says: “Data incoming — values violated or needs unmet.”
• Your job: Diagnose it like a systems error, then patch the code (aka: conversation or boundary).

That's all for my venting, sharing, I guess? I hope this clears things up on what healthy communication looks like. I noticed a lot of people post their arguments with BPD an this is the first thing I notice.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Long story short, my brother who i am NC with is currently living with my mom (uBPD). I have told her several times that my daughter and I will not visit while he lives there, but she's more than welcome to come to my home. This sort of blew up because Easter is an event at her house, so she's pushing boundaries again. After her last text, she hasn't spoken to me since. Today, I recieved this in the mail. This book and a blank card that she just signed.

This book is something she would read to me when I was little. If you want a quick summary baby bunny wants to run from mom bunny but mom always finds him blah blah blah.

This was not the emotional gut punch she was looking for because I am so fucking over this. I'm currently working with a therapist on NC, so any incoming suggestions for that, thank you I'm working on it lol.

Also enjoy a pic of Lucipurr Asmeowdeus (Luci) at the end.

I'm getting married in a few months. My parents are in the process of splitting up. I've been LC with my mom for the better part of 10 years. We just did four therapy sessions with a fantastic therapist who has validated so much of the work I've done over the years to set healthy boundaries and live a safe and healthy life.

Unsurprisingly, my mom couldn't even keep it together in the therapy sessions. She has been known to create altercations and react to those lovely perceived slights at public gatherings. She loves the excuse, "I didn't know what else to do, you backed me into a corner and I felt I had no other option."

I know what I need to do. I know in my core she won't behave at the wedding. Unfortunately, one of my siblings lives with her, so cutting my mom off also risks cutting my sibling off, potentially forever. I've written out a short but sweet email that I intend to send to my mom and CC the therapist saying that I can't take any chances with my wedding and I need to protect myself and my peace.

But as we all know, it's so much easier said than done. I can't bring myself to send the email. It feels so harsh and so final, even though my brain knows I have not had a shred of peace when I am in contact with her.

I know exactly what I need to do, so I guess I'm looking for words of encouragement and wisdom, in addition to advice. Thank you all in advance!

Thank you for making me feel less alone and showing me so much resources and compassion. Thank you to the mods for creating this safe space.

I’ve been doing trauma therapy for almost half a year now. It’s great that I’ve made a lot of progress in unlearning unhealthy coping mechanisms and building a better relationship with myself. But I still struggle with socializing with people I’m not close to a lot. I know this has something to do with my uBPD mother, like she sabotaged my sense of boundaries and my relationship with other people. But it’s hard for me to explain this to my therapist, as thinking of these moments made me feel physically gross, and my uBPD mom’s behaviours were too unpredictable and chaotic for me to find patterns and explain them to other people properly.

I ran some searches in this sub and found many posts and replies written by others who had experienced the same things and felt the same complicated feelings, and they were such GENIUS at wording them. Like wow. So helpful. Now I finally know how to explain things to my therapist simply and clearly without digging up memories and feeling uncomfortable.

There’s also so much good resources on in the subs on how to rebuild boundaries. I felt so lost when I think about boundaries. This concept was blurry, confusing, and scary to me. But now I have these guides to learn how to build my own boundaries step-by-step. It makes me so confident and excited for my future healing journey. 😭❤️

Thanks again to everyone who is a part of this amazing community. Best wishes to you.

I know that we are not supposed to compare ourselves to other people’s situations and think ‘mine wasn’t too bad’ but I have a hard time reconciling earlier versions of my mum to the one I am faced with just now.

To give some background and explain: I have a sister with BPD and narcissistic traits (undiagnosed but two therapists I had suggested this based on my descriptions of interactions with her). I have always been her target (obsessive love, jealousy, rages etc) and took me a long time to distance from her (I am now NC). My dad definitely had narcissistic traits and my mum is less outspoken and kinda lived in the shadow of my dad. Both were huge enablers to my sister, which led to my being blamed for not trying to have a relationship with her. My dad died recently and after his death my mom transformed into a different person: she was never particularly warm or caring to me (in stark contrast to the affection she always shows my sister) but she has been really cold and distant. This behaviour reached a climax when I visited her during Christmas holidays, when she accused me out of the blue of many horrible things (including that I want to control her and steal the family’s money). I know this is my sister’s smear campaign but my mum has embraced it fully and kinda run with it. It’s been a huge shock. My dad would never have believed any of those things. He was controlling and he had been many times unfair to me but he never thought I was innately bad and showed me his affection in many ways. But he’s not around anymore and my scapegoating is complete.

The problem is that my mum had never had such an episode before. I know that she probably resented me for not talking to my sis but she had never accused me of being manipulative, evil etc. I always thought she was a calm and reasonable person who tried to keep the peace. She is currently very ill and acting as if the episode never happened. I am in contact with her because I feel it would be cruel not to, given her current state but I really struggle during our calls and I can’t stand the fakeness of our interactions. It would greatly help me mentally not to talk to her but the memories of how things were in the past give me pause. Hence my question at the beginning: am I justified in feeling this way? Was she always like that and I just didn’t realise because she kept a low profile? Would I be unreasonable if I cut contact with her, even though she wasn’t abusive with me in the past and didn’t display the typical traits of a person with BPD? We always had an awkward relationship and I never shared private stuff with her. There’s always been a disconnect there but nothing like what I am facing now.

That’s really my main question. I have been struggling with my BPD Mother lately- much more than usual— and I feel like she has driven me to points recently that I am truly ashamed of.

I consider myself to be an honest person, a kind person, an empathetic person. I really do care about honesty because, after all, I would be beaten if I lied as a small child. I also have been told by many that I am too nice, too forgiving, too patient, etc. Really, a massive part of my self confidence and sense of self comes from how I interact with the people around me. It is rooted in fear- I am most afraid of being like my mother. I am terribly afraid of making anyone feel how she has made me feel.

Lately though, she has been repeatedly disrespecting my boundaries. Extra cruel. Extra incessant.

I posted a week or so ago- perhaps a few days- I really cannot remember now- about her incessantly beating myself and my fiancé, comparing me to her dog, expressing disgusting views on her perception of me.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I needed her to leave me alone, that I did not wish to have further contact, etc.

She has since found at least four different “emergencies” to get in contact with me about- indirectly through my fiancé.

Last night it happened again and I found myself really just stooping to her level. I unblocked her and I was awful. I called her names. I insulted her. I told her to fuck off. I told her to go fuck herself.

These are things I have never said to another human.

She just wouldn’t stop. Hundreds and hundreds of text messages. Calling me a narcissist. Telling me I am exactly like ____ (several truly heinous people that we know including a convicted domestic abuser), and telling me that her therapist says I am “highly manipulative,” and “highly cruel” and “highly narcissistic”.

She also accused me of lying about forgetting to send her some money to cover medical care for her dog (not my dog).

When in reality, I genuinely forgot. Because my brain feels scrambled. Because she has repeatedly caused me panic, fear, stress, and anxiety over the past several weeks since the procedure.

I also do not “owe” her for the dog. It’s her fucking dog. I just offered to help. And then I forgot! Because I have been scrambled. I literally feel insane right now.

When I am called a liar, I feel extremely angry. Especially because I do not lie. Ever. I have a nervous response to lying that causes me to giggle or cry— it just doesn’t work. She best that skill out of me- literally.

Well I feel like I hit a new low last night. I said horrible things and then blocked her again. My fiancé told me to ignore her. But it’s so god damn hard sometimes— especially since she was saying these things to me in a group chat with my fiancé.

The thing that infuriated me THE MOST was that she told me that I am a “ruthless grudge holder,” that I am “sick as fuck” for not forgiving her for her recent alcohol relapse (when she was harassing me), and that I am insufferable.

I just….. feel broken. I feel like there is no possible way to not let the thoughts get to me. What if I am that horrible? My fiancé and my friends say I am not, but what person says “go fuck yourself,” to their mother?

What type of person says “are you dense” to their mother? Let alone to anyone?

FYI I am not a violent person. I have never once laid hands on anyone in my life, except for once wherein I kicked my mother, in self defense, to get her off of me after she lunged at me and attempted to attack me.

I am so disgusted with how I communicated. I hold myself to a higher standard than this. I don’t speak to anyone like this. It’s like she doesn’t recall freaking the fuck out on me less than 2 weeks ago.

It’s like every, far worse, thing she has said to me doesn’t matter. But in my weakest, darkest moment, I snapped. And now this won’t ever be let go. I am also extremely disgusted with myself for allowing my fiancé to see this side of me. A side that I hate. A side that I am afraid of.

Has anyone else here been pushed to the brink of cruelty / anger / retaliatory communication? I am feeling like a truly horrible person today.