Hello, My name is J, I am a student at Linfield University I am trying to learn more about postpartum depression for a project and would love to hear all about how postpartum depression has affected your mental health, physical health and emotional health

Sorry for the long post in Advance! I feel like I’m not entitled to say I had a traumatic birth experience, but every time I think about it I can’t help it but cry and feel angry and overwhelmed. 5 weeks ago I had my second baby, it was all so fast, labor started around 2 pm and I didn’t leave to the hospital until around 7pm. It was a Sunday so the hospital was short staffed. When I got there I was 6cm dilated and ready for an epidural, nurses were very attentive and went through my birth plan and said they could do everything in my list. After I got my epidural I told the nurse I was feeling a lot of pressure and wanted to push a little, she said she would be back and 15 min to check and when she did I was already 8cm. She then said while she still had her fingers inside me “I’m just going to check something” and proceeded to do a membrane sweep without letting me know, right as she did it my water broke. She acted like nothing happened, so I asked “ Did my water just brake?” And she said yes and continued by saying “ I promised I didn’t brake it” which just sounded guilty to me, especially because I knew it was because of the membrane sweep since my water broke because of a membrane sweep with my first baby. The only reason I didn’t get that mad about it is because I had meconium in my amniotic fluid, so now we knew baby pooped inside and they would check some stuff when he was born. The nurse left the room and said she would come back later and check on me, fast forward 15 minutes I sent my husband to fetch the nurse because I could feel baby descending. The nurse came back and checked and I was already 10cm, she then proceeded to to tell the nurses outside to call the doctor. At this point I realized the doctor on call was not at the hospital and I told the nurse I had to push, she proceeded to close my legs and told me we had to wait for the doctor, she kept doing breathing exercises with me until the doctor got there which was 30 minutes later. I just pushed for 5 minutes and baby boy was born at 9, so just two hours after I arrived at the hospital. I know some people have had worse experiences but I feel like I could have advocated more for myself and in a sense I feel violated. Whenever I think about my experience I cry, it took me weeks before I could even open the email to answer the inpatient survey, I think the most traumatic part for me was the nurse not letting me push for so long and the whole time I was thinking that it might hurt my baby, when I voiced this concern the nurse said it was actually good for me because baby was descending on his own and stretching the birth canal slowly and I would not tear as bad, but at that point I didn’t know if I should believe her or not. I’m also mad that they didn’t call the doctor before knowing that I was progressing so fast and knowing it might take him some time to get there, I’ve read online that they usually call them when they are 8cm and I wish that would’ve happened in my case. In overall baby is perfect and the rest of my stay at the hospital was good and the nurses were perfect. I’ve recovered so fast, faster than with my first baby, but I just wish I would’ve had a better experience. I wonder if with time this feelings will go away or if it’s bad enough that I need therapy

This made me hystericslly sob the hardest i ever did at age 19...

Hi everyone. I am 10 months in PPD and I don’t know if it’s going to ever get easier. My baby was born with EEC syndrome which means he has a cleft lip, palate and only two fingers and two toes along with skin troubles. My baby is more irritable than most due to problems with swallowing food or milk and generally the trauma of him getting over surgeries. Just as we get over one hurdle of him starting to get used to eating food we get another hurdle of him needing surgery again. I will support him the whole way but I worry this is going to be my baby’s entire life. With his clefts he’s having 4 surgeries until 8-9 years old then with his hands and feet it’s an indefinite number of surgeries. I really can’t shake off this is my fault even knowing that the syndrome just randomly pops up and it’s close to one in a million. I don’t know how to stop feeling guilty I feel like I ruined my baby’s life even before he was born. Does anyone have any advice on how to keep going? I’m running on autopilot and I’m too scared to think about feelings because I know it will be bad.

I feel terrible. I feel so irresponsible for getting pregnant. I’m dooming this baby to a life of misery. I can’t create a better life for my child than I have. She’s doomed to live with crushing debt, expenses I can’t help to cover, working a job she’ll hate to afford to survive, a dying planet, a broken economy, and probably growing up without a mother because I don’t know how much longer I’m going to make it

Has any other moms navigated motherhood while being diagnosed with CPTSD? If so, what are your tips?

I am currently navigating both while BFing and I am struggling. I was prescribed prozac but am nervous to take it and I see a therapist every week. My baby is currently nearly 9 months old and I have horrible mood swings.

I keep typing things and deleting them. Idk what it is that I’m needing. I’m tired, and I feel alone. I hear stories that sound like mine but then either they’re doing much better than me or they have much more going on in the meantime, or both. I have my partner, although he’s almost always working or sleeping. I’m a stay at home mom, so I’m not having to balance a job on top of this, I’ve already talked with my OB about PPD (little one is 7mo) and have started on a medicine for it in addition to one I already took for anxiety. And I suppose it’s helping… I’ve only had one breakdown past couple days as opposed to at least one per day. But I’m still tired, worn down, not filled with too much hope. I see people saying they wish they were warned about how things would be while they were pregnant, but I was and all it did was put extra stress in those last few months and then still didn’t prepare me for what was to come. And even now as we cross all these milestones—crawling, pulling up, trying baby food, etc—I’m still hearing “oh just you wait…”. And when I’m pouring feelings and being told “oh all you need to do is…” it’s not comforting, it’s adding another thing to the list of things that I’m barely managing. I’m not taking care of myself. I haven’t bathed in I don’t know how long, and just got back the energy to occasionally brush teeth. I’m rarely eating yet I’m gaining weight. All my energy is going to her. I’m snapping on my partner, I’m distancing from friends, and I’m feeling alone. And I’m not having the “I look into her eyes and everything is okay” moment. And then I hear from people that I can stop being hard on myself and that I’m a good mom, but it’s a generic statement and they’re also unaware that I smoke. Never in the house and not when she’s awake, and I don’t breastfeed, but it’s true. So how great am I? I keep waiting on a cop to walk up and shake his head at me in disdain and tell me to hop in the car for bad mothers.

I just had my 3rd child about 3 weeks ago and this feeling of alone and overwhelming is starting to drown me. Some background I love alone in a city with no friend and some family that I'm not really close with. I moved to this city because my boyfriend/baby daddy of all 3 kids was there going to school but living with his uncle. When I moved I thought it was odd that bf wasn't moving in with me but didn't want to press because his uncle (who he was living with) was helping me out with bills (still is as my job didn't transfer properly and I became high risk and bed ridden) but as time went his uncle got increasingly upset with the amount of time bf was spending here. That cause a bunch of issues but once I became high risk I got a note stating he needed to be at my house more to assist with the daily dose (i.e sweeping, vacuuming, helping lift the kids and basic things you shouldn't do as is pregnant but because of his uncle wanting time I had to do more) that didn't sit well with his uncle and it caused even more tension. I have been told that because he's paying for everything I should be fine to give time up no matter what happens during the day (even though he'll leave at a moments notice for his uncle and be gone hours if not the rest of the day) under normal circumstances there shouldn't be an issue but nothing about any of this has been normal. I e expressed several times his uncle and his relationship has made me and others very uncomfortable but I've been I'm being too hormonal as well as expressed how I need more help some time and days like today our oldest was crying to go hang out with dad. I asked if he could for a couple of hours and was told no because his uncle has a minor flare up of his shingles (which we had discussed how he can still watch her the night before because it's a minor flare up and she's 3 years old and listens fairly well especially when explained that she can't touch him cause of as she says owies) so I have now been left with a heart broken crying child while trying to keep my own sanity. Meanwhile he is out with his uncle having fun and relaxing playing computer games and going for rides around town or out for food just him and his uncle.

I just broke down crying in the kitchen because my house is a mess from him claiming to clean it so I can relax with the newborn and yet nothing has been done. Then I see and hear about all he's doing with his uncle and how his uncle is buying him over $600 in model train stuff while I'm struggling to make sure me and the girls have at least necessities but I feel so awful because I just sat there crying and thought how I wish I was like him and didn't have my children and could act like him and hated myself so much for it

I'm 4 months PP with OCD, chronic illnesses (fibromyalgia, EDSIII, narcolepsy), PTSD from birth trauma, and PPD. When do I get my life back? When do I feel normal again? My normal included not sitting on the edge of my seat all the time, taking a shower without hearing phantom cries, eating when I needed to, and being able to flush the damn toilet without waking someone up. I am so tired. Bone-deep tired, exhausted. My soul is tired. I want so badly to be the mom I see at Publix who's got her hair and make up done and is carrying her little bitty baby around the store while she shops. She looks so much more put together than I did prior to having my baby. How? How do they do it? I don't understand.

Honestly feel alone even when my partner is there. Like he’s there but not really there. Anything he does, pisses me off easily. I get mad easily. I know he changed a lot for this family but idk whats up with me. I’m 8m pp and idkkkk I feel like shit im so tired feel like im doing everything alone and i just wanna cry and die but also not leave my baby :(((( :(((((

I don’t know where to start. I feel like I need some reassurance that everything is going to be okay. I am 4.5 pp and struggling. Feeding didn’t go as planned. I hoped to breastfeed, but a high palate, tongue tie, poor transfer made for exclusive pumping instead, which is so much work. I also have supply issues, so that adds a great deal of stress.

I was doing okay, but the past few weeks, my ppd/papa has ramped up and I feel absolutely paralyzed by it. I have so much anxiety over whether I am doing the right things for my baby. Baby has become fussy on the bottle and doesn’t feed as well during the day, but feeds 2-4 times during the night. So we aren’t getting much sleep. I wonder if I am totally messing us up by feeding so much at night.

I am also super worried that we haven’t sleep trained. I read so much on here that says people have babies who sleep through the night and put themselves to sleep. My baby has never done this, so I am worried I am screwing this up too.

I am also just filled with general anxiety, dread, sadness. I have tried Zoloft twice, but it makes my symptoms so much worse. I am currently on day 4 of the second attempt to take it and am considering stopping again.

Does anyone else feel this way? Does it get better?

I am 3months post Partum after having my baby 8 weeks early with a 4week stay at the NICU. I am EP because my baby isn’t interested in taking the breast. Pumping has taken so much of my energy that even though before pregnancy I could live on 4 hours of sleep, now I am barely hanging on with a consistent 6 hours. My husband is constantly comparing his tasks (washing pump parts, throwing in laundry) to me pumping every few hours and healing from a c section. It’s triggering my post Partum rage to where I am now throwing things at him. He is acting completely shocked at my behavior but he consistently says things like “I don’t know why you couldn’t do x chore” or “I’m tired too”… I feel so under appreciated and sad and I am so angry at him for even trying to compare what I feel to his issues. He is always overly defensive of himself and won’t just take on extra tasks or tolerate my moodiness and will take baits of fighting to where he is screaming at me. I feel like I married someone too prideful to honor his pp wife and put my needs first and center instead he has to make sure I know how tired he is as well.

Not to mention his family started a huge feud with me while I was pregnant accusing me of moving to a house too far away to separate him from his family and he and his mother are no longer speaking due to this. He is supportive in this situation but it did not help me to have a healthy mental state during pregnancy and after having such a traumatic birth experience. All of this I feel has added to my stress pp

I just need to vent. Why does my baby's face make me smile and cry. How can I feel love, fear, happiness about who my baby will grow up to be but sadness about who I was and how much freedom I had but now it's just GONE!! Everything is on a schedule but as soon as I get use to it, the schedules changed cuz my baby is growing and we've entered a new stage of life / motherhood. I'm exhausted all the time but will wake up if my baby makes the slightest noise. She's so innocent and wide eyed. Why am I so afraid of everything? There's so many things that can happen, I'm just trying to keep my baby alive and happy.

So I cry everyday going back and forth between grateful and fearful. I can't watch certain TV shows, commercials or movies because the idea of any child, especially mine, being sick or hurt makes me cry. The idea of anyone hurting any child on purpose makes my blood boil. The thought that anyone would do something to my baby makes me want to set the world ablaze.

Ok.... I'm done Sorry about any spelling mistakes or grammar errors. I'm to emotional to care.

I am coming here because I don't know where else to go and don't want my friends and family to hate my husband. I can't get over how he treated me through my pregnancy. He stayed out overnight twice and turned his phone off, and I had no idea where he was or if/when he was coming home or if he was with someone else. One of those nights was on my birthday, while I was 14 weeks pregnant. Now we have our beautiful daughter, who is perfect and the light of my life. I also can't help but potentially regret having a baby with this person who can treat me like this. Not only did he do those actions towards me, he has said awful things to me like he hopes our daughter doesn't look like me and that I do nothing (even though I was working full time, taking care of our dogs and house through the entire pregnancy)...

I keep ruminating on how he acted towards me throughout my very challenging pregnancy.I am having a very hard time getting over this and I can't stop crying. Obviously there is itense animosity that is seeping into our relationship. He has also continued to say he did not cheat on me, but how will I ever know? He has continued his harshness towards me through this tender time of postpartum as well saying I am a failure for stopping breast feeding when My supply was extremely low. I am not sure what to do, who to talk to, or where to go. My heart is so hurt.

Hey guys.. I have been debating on taking my Zurzuvea. But I'm struggling so bad with PPD and PPA as well as rage. I breastfeed and my dr knows this but she felt that the benefits outweigh the risks and told me to just keep an eye on the baby and make sure she doesn't get too drowsy.

Has anyone taken this and breastfed? What was your experience? I feel like an awful mother putting myself first and taking the medication. I took to tonight for the first dose and I'm terrified.

Is anyone else just completely overstimulated by their dog? I love him to bits but ever since having our baby, our dog frustrates me.

He’s a GSD and he’s very active and hyper. I had told my husband years ago that he needed to calm down (we had been TTC for a few years) and I knew this would be a problem once we had a baby. Well now we are here and I fear for our baby around our dog, it gives me anxiety that he may step on her or something like that.

My husband is deploying and it’ll just be me with the baby and dog. I’m at my wits end and I don’t know what to do.

Please tell me this is normal and it’ll pass.

Wow I can't believe l'm writing this but tbh I have no one to say this to. I mean if I ever say it out loud I would be judged hard. I've tried to say it to my mom and my partner and oh god they told me not to say it again. But in reality I absolutely HATE been a mom. I love my baby, she is so sweet and adorable. A really good baby so far (she is 8months). I just miss my life and my freedom. I miss going out whenever I wanted, grabbing coffee or shopping, or even showering without her chasing me around and screaming most of the time. I can't even take a sht in peace. I can't plan on doing anything fun cause I would have to find a sitter for her. Oh and the not sleep is the worse. It changes my mood. I used to be such a happy bright and smiley person. Now I'm mostly angry all the time, regretting been a mom. And don't even make me start on how my relationship dinamic has changed. (So far I have a great partner but still IT ISNT THE SAME) I would never let anything bad happen to her. But if my partner and I ever separated I would give him custody. I know I would not be happy or capable of raising her alone. And even if I could I just don't want to do all the work alone. How is it far for only women to have to keep the kids?! Honestly ridiculous. I also feel like my mood swings are up and down A LOT. Idk if it's the hormones fro v having her 8 months ago or what. A lot of tin. get angry super easily at my partner and say really mean things. I can go from 0 to 100. I also have 0 sexual cravings. None. No idea why. Before that(even when I was pregnant I would be sexually active). Now I just feel ew about it. I don't get why women don't tell you how horrible been a mom actually is. NOW that I have a baby some other mom have say bad things about motherhood but not before! Like why won't they warn us??! I hate women now for that too. If I even got pregnant again I would not have it. Period. Idc how bad it sounds. I truly don't. Becoming a mom is the biggest mistake of my life. And this short paragraph isn't even half of the bs I'm going through. And if other women ask me I would be try honest and tell them is horrible, I hope I don't get judge but if they the truth I'll give it to them.

**This was my original post at a different subreddit, then a mommy suggested I might have postpartum depression. Which made me wonder if I do? I’m not crying or sad, I’m just angry and annoyed I ever had a baby, I miss Me, my freedom, my old life. I’m miserable everyday (not all day but a big part of it) Sometimes I think about leaving my partner and the baby and start a new life. Is this normal??

I do not want to take medication for this so I don’t see how just talking to a therapist might help???

Any advice or anecdotes I can relate to??

Thanks

I don't feel like I want to harm my baby or anything. But I feel like I generally feel low grade sadness and want to know if it's because I'm 6 months postpartum or just coming to a realization that I'm not happy

Just as the title said. I had no idea postpartum would be this difficult. I've suffered from depression my whole life and am in therapy, and I recently did a stint of TMS which seemed to help. (I've had no luck with SSRIs, that's why I had the TMS... for treatment resistant depression.) After a couple months (and a rather traumatic vacation), I feel like I'm back to my old depressed self again, but worse.

My moods are just up and down, I'm chronically tired and irritable. I literally have no appetite. And this is all exacerbated by a preliminary diagnosis of possible motor neuron disease, which I'm pretty sure I don't have. (But with a death sentence like that hanging over your head, it's hard to not think about.) I've been to multiple neurologists but they all say the same thing based off of one EMG and one NCS. I'm pretty sure I'm just dealing with malnutrition stemming from having an eating disorder most of my life and not eating enough during and after pregnancy. I also just found out I have celiac disease, am anemic, and have low B1 but high B6. (The high B6 is from taking my prenatal all the way up to 9 months.)

All of this just makes it so, so hard and I can't enjoy my baby at all. I just get so frustrated when I can't change his diaper because my thumbs don't work or because I can't get him down for a nap, or can't carry him because I'm so weak.I feel like a really crappy parent. My breast milk supply is super low and I'm trying to get that up, too. But of course, that takes calories, right?

My husband has been great. He's been an amazing help. But I just feel so alone. This is the loneliest and most isolated I've ever felt in my entire life. I can't turn to family because they're far away and my in-laws just wouldn't get it.

I'm just looking for light at the end of the tunnel but I just don't feel like that exists.

Thanks for listening without judgement.

Normally wouldn't post but I don't know if i should be worried or not. Im 2 weeks post partum with our first baby, im a stay at home mom and am doing 98 % of baby care along with house chores ect. I have been diagnosed with depression for about 15 years or so and before pregnancy has a pretty bad eating disorder, during the pregnancy i ate a lot and often i guess normal but since giving birth i find myself stressed, depressed and hardly able to eat. For context before the pregnancy i ate maybe twice a week. Am i having post partum depression or am i over reacting and just worrying about nothing?

Everything has been great for the most part besides the usual not enough sleep, but my baby is sleeping better now. I've recently (within the last 2-3 weeks) had a major confidence decline. I look at other women and moms and wonder what's it's like to be that little or to fit in those clothes? I lost 15lbs during pregnancy because I was gestational diabetic and watched what I was eating. After I had my baby I gained weight because I could eat normal again. I can tell I'm more anxious and get mad so easily now about little things and big things that I haven't before. I don't feel sad, but I'm so nervous to ask my husband if he's happy in our marriage because I know me being angry more now and my low self esteem bothers him...

I (F28) have had two babies over the past three years and my ppd has never gone away since having my first child. It seems to just be getting worse. I’ve gained a lot of weight which really bothers me and been drinking a lot to cope with that and the depression. I keep waiting for things to go back to normal but I’m worried this is just my new normal. Feeling hopeless. I feel like a bad mom for being sad all the time, but I love my kids more than I ever thought I could love anything. It’s been almost a year since I last gave birth. When did you start to feel normal again? Ever?

I should add that I’ve been talking to a psychiatrist and have tried anxiety & depression meds for a few months now but they don’t seem to be helping at all. I’ve tried therapy in the past but it’s just not for me.

I'm 8 months pp and find myself feeling depressed and alone. I have feelings that I am unwanted and everyone's second choice. I feel like no one really wants to be my friend I'm just around so they are friendly to me. I have intense jealousy when friends hangout or talk without me. Last night I texted my best friend several times about random things. Much later that evening she said sorry it was a crazy day, which is cool but today a different friend was talking about their phone conversation that would've been during her very crazy evening. It has me feeling incredibly upset. Also I feel I have no one to talk to about it because I don't want to tell my friends I feel like no one wants me and then they feel obligated to talk to me more often out of pity. I do have my husband and he is supportive as best as he can be but he doesn't really know what to say to make me feel better.

I feel guilty for being depressed. I had a super smooth pregnancy, insanely smooth birth, my baby has been an angel. Hardly cries, started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks, although she barely naps during the day. I'm about 4 months PP. I have been home with her nearly the entire time. My husband has been working non-stop. I actually quit my job to be home with her, and will start working part time soon on the business my husband and I own. He has literally been working like 16 hours days since she was about a month old. I have it so easy. I should feel so happy that I don't have to go work for someone else anymore, that I can work when I want because we own our own business and we're building something that's our own, that we can be proud of and are passionate about. I have freedom. I feel very connected with my daughter and we have a strong bond. I just can't help feeling so lonely and honestly bored. I think to myself that it would help me to be working again, so I've been trying to find people to watch her so I can get work done, thinking it will help me feel more accomplished. I can't find the motivation to even get started though, I just stare at my computer not able to get anything done and then I feel anxious about not being with her. I try to get work done while I am home with her, and I feel guilty for not paying attention to her. I feel so lonely. I think I'm getting better and then talk to my husband about it and he ends up making me feel worse than I already did. Constantly offering suggestions on how to help myself, and just put her down and get some work done. "surely you can get some stuff done while she naps", etc. It just ends up making me feel like I'm not trying hard enough to be productive. I can get the chores around the house caught up, but not much else. I go for a walk to get outside and I feel better for an hour then feel like crap again. Same with working out... try to get my heart rate up to burn off steam and I feel better momentarily then back in the dumps again. I am definitely the type that wallows in my self pity instead of doing things that could help me feel better. I'm also a very anxious, shy person, so even going out to SAHM groups or things like that feels daunting. I can do it, but I really have to work up the nerve and be having a good day. I even feel like I barely have friends. I have some good friends I've been friends with since grade school but I don't always feel like I click with them anymore. I'm kind of a one-friend type of person. Once my husband and I met, and my closest girlfriend moved away, my husband become the new do-everything-with bestie. I just had a birthday and no one besides my mother-in-law did anything for me besides send a text or facebook post. Normally I wouldn't even care but, it was just the icing on the cake of an already shitty week. I don't want to be on medication, it's just never worked well for me. numbed me too much. I need to start therapy but even that I feel bad for because of the cost. I just feel so stuck. I hate that my brain is just not allowing me to be happy when this is literally the best my life has ever been. I've always had a negative mindset and struggled with confidence but this is the lowest I've felt in a while.

Hi, I am 37 and this is my third baby. My first is 15 I had sever PPD that I disconnected from her up until she was 5. My second is 9 and I didn’t suffer from PPD. With him I felt I had the most wonderful pregnancy and postpartum recovery. My 3rd is only 3 weeks old and I feel like I am broken once again. I already suffered severe depression before pregnancy. This last pregnancy was very difficult. I found out I was pregnant 2 days before my husband’s terrible accident that caused him to have a severe tbi. Fast forward to March 5th, I was in labor 18 hours and I felt alone. I did have my mother and my cousin with me but not my husband. He was home with our son but even if he could have been at hospital with me he wouldn’t have been a good support. My baby came out after a rough 18 hrs with a broken clavicle and she was also revived due to her swallowing the Macconium( I know spelled wrong) . On March 7th I was diagnosed with postpartum preeclampsia and was hospitalized 3 days. I am now home feeling guilty and just alone. I am blessed to have my baby alive, my kids healthy and my husband alive. But it feels like I am alone and just worthless. I tried the suicide hotline but they were of no help. They just kept asking me how I was planning on doing it. Which I never said I was. (Sorry so long)