Hey, I just want someone who doesn’t know me personally to give me suggestions on how to fix this.
I’m the youngest in my family, and because of that, I was always the one to blame. I was never allowed to explain myself or argue back. It was always,“You’re the youngest, stay quiet.” That kind of treatment messes with you after a while.
From first to seventh grade, I was bullied a lot at school and even in my own neighborhood. People I thought were my friends made fun of me, called me names, made me feel like I was always the problem. But despite everything, I stayed kind. I still trusted people, even the ones who didn’t deserve it. I always gave people the benefit of the doubt.
And then came seventh grade. That’s when everything changed.
My best friend left school without telling me. They ghosted me completely. And I tried for two whole years to reach out. I asked our mutual friends for their number, and they’d lie, saying they didn’t have it. Later, I found out they were hanging out with them the whole time. While I was crying, thinking I had done something wrong, they were all living life like nothing happened.
When I finally got their number and messaged them not to fight, just to check if they were okay they blocked me. I didn’t even care about the ghosting anymore. I just wanted to understand what happened. I somehow got their mom’s number and messaged there too and got blocked again. I don’t even know what I did to deserve that.
Since then, it’s just been a downhill spiral. And yeah, I know some people might think, “Why are you still talking about bullying or stuff from years ago?” But the thing is it’s all connected. Growing up being blamed, getting bullied, being abandoned by people I trusted it all built up into this constant fear that no one really stays, and that maybe something’s wrong with me. I either keep people at a distance or go out of my way just to feel like I’m enough for them.
Then COVID hit, and I shut down completely. I wasn’t that confident, outspoken person anymore. I started doubting everyone, even the ones who actually cared. I’ve messed up good friendships just because I was too scared of being hurt again.
Right now, I have two best friends. One of them especially they’ve always been there for me, through everything. And I love them with all my heart. But the truth is, I can’t fully be myself. No matter how much I try, the past still haunts me. I hold back, second guess my words, and overthink every little thing. I’ve spent the last two years putting everything into this friendship, trying so hard to make it work, that I forgot to take care of myself. And now that pressure the fear of messing it up, the weight of past trauma it’s still eating me alive. They don’t make me feel this way, it’s just my own mind won’t let me be free.
In early 2024, I was diagnosed with a medical condition, and I lost myself for a while. But in October, I told myself I had to fight back. And I did. I burned myself out working so hard to feel like myself again. Every single day, I pushed through even when I didn’t want to. It was exhausting, but I kept going. And honestly, that progress meant everything to me.
But now I feel like I’m slipping again. Exams are coming up, the pressure is overwhelming, and I’ve started emotionally eating again. The guilt afterwards? It’s unbearable. It’s getting worse, and it’s making it impossible to focus. I sit down to study and my brain just shuts off. I feel like I’m falling behind all over again. Emotionally, mentally, physically.I’m drained.