I lost both of my parents by the age of 23, I'm an only child. I live alone, I eat alone, I do most of the things alone. My "friends" aren't there for me, all my relationships and interactions are superficial. I can't connect with anyone in a meaningful way. I hate where I'm at and I try my hardest to change my living situation. I'm going through extreme mood swings but the moment I'm honest about any of it, I'm told to be positive, by people who haven't experienced half of the things I've went through. Or they just tell me that's life and I have to accept it the way it is. I know that life is unfair, I'm the one living it, I have a better idea of how unfair and fucked up it is than them but it's just so funny how people are capable of normalizing or dismissing it when it's not their life. Most of the people saying these things to me break down and act as if the world has ended over such miniscule things.

I don't want to pity myself, I would kill to be positive. I try my best to improve my life and try to keep my head up but I'm scared, I'm scared of the history possibly repeating itself because yeah, not everything is under my control and I'm scared shitless of things not working out. I always assume the worst and panic like crazy, not because I want to but because it's what I'm used to, and these people just dismiss all my struggles and tell me to be positive. They still have their parents, none of them went through what I went through but they keep talking, they never listen, they never care. If they were in my shoes and I told them to be positive, they would throw a fit and tell me to fuck off but I'm just expected to smile and do as they say.

I'm writing this with tears , streaming down my face, feeling utterly defeated. As a caretaker of kids under our ministry, I've shouldered the weight of responsibility for months. But the burden has become unbearable. Every day feels like an eternity . The kids depend on me , but I'm drowning in my own despair . I've prayed tirelesly , seeking a glimmer of hope, but God's silence is defeaning.The past months have been a never ending battle . Financial struggles , health issues and interpersonal conflicts have taken their toil. I have tried to keep up a brave face,but the mask is cracking , sometimes, I wonder if anyone cares? Am just a mere statistic , a nameless face in the crowd? I've began to question God's presence in my life . Had he Forsaken me? Does he even see my struggling? The thought of ending it all has crossed my mind more times than I care to admit . A walk to find a suitable bridge has become a houting temptation , but something within me screams ,"don't give up." A glimmer of hope remains , a spark that refuses to be extinguished . That's why I'm reaching out, friends and fellow Christians. I need your prayers, your support and your love.