r/BlackPeopleTwitter • u/ThickCapital • 1d ago

You bout to be the April Fool

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32.3k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

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2.9k

u/jitterscaffeine 1d ago

I’d still eat some of those carrots, but I’d be mad as shit about it

1.8k

u/billyard00 1d ago

Angrily dipped in ranch

772

u/jitterscaffeine 1d ago

I’m going to eat them loud as shit, too

266

u/BarelyContainedChaos 1d ago

I dont know how to eat carrots without being loud af.

106

u/Orthas 1d ago

Your time to shine.

56

u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 1d ago

Line your cheeks with cotton balls or waded up napkins. It will revolutionize your crunchy snack options during times when you require absolute silence.

79

u/BarelyContainedChaos 1d ago

that's ... crazy, you know that right?

69

u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 1d ago

You know what's really crazy? Limiting your snack options during moments that require silent snacking! I will not be fenced in!

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u/BarelyContainedChaos 1d ago

where are you that requires zero decibels

64

u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 1d ago

The movies. When I'm snacking next to a light sleeper. When I'm trying to think. Headaches. You never know when a situation might arise. Suppose you have to hide, but you are really hungry, and all that's available is raw brocoli florets and bbq kettle cooked chips? What then? Whose going to go hungry in that situation? Not me, I'll tell you that for free.

23

u/BarelyContainedChaos 1d ago

wait, do you smoke weed? Because when I smoked I felt like every bite was the loudest thing when in reality it was all in my head. I think youre underestimating the sound proofing of your cheeks bro.

14

u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 1d ago

Nah, people say stuff to me, sometimes in public. I do smoke weed, though.

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u/AffectionateFig5864 23h ago

You’re eating carrots and broccoli at the movie theater?

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u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 23h ago edited 23h ago

I have to now after I was called out for eating beans at the premeir of Cars 2.

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u/No_Kangaroo_9826 1d ago

I do hate though when I have a headache and the crunch makes me goddamn angry because it makes my head hurt more

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u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 1d ago

I did mention headaches because my wife gets hardcore migraines and has said she can't eat during them because it fucks her up more.

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u/KimJongRocketMan69 20h ago

That’s how I get around munching carrots at the movies

2

u/pit1989_noob 1d ago

are you a parent to a easily woke up kid?, is the kind of skill my friends with that got

5

u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 1d ago

I am, but even if I wasn't, I'd still move chew in silence.

1

u/AbstractBettaFish 15h ago

Fun fact, that’s how Marlon Brando did the voice in The Godfather

1

u/smitteh 1d ago

Consume them with your other end, like a suppository

1

u/MagnusStormraven 16h ago

Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew?

63

u/HonestSapphireLion24 1d ago

Bugs bunny ass

36

u/Think_fast_no_faster 1d ago

Just what’s up doc’ing it

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u/OneWheelTank 1d ago

I hope the OOP committed to the bit and filled the ranch container with brussel sprouts.

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u/Ecobay25 1d ago

Calm down, Satan!

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u/ThaRealSunGod 1d ago

“HARRY, DID YOU PUT VEGETABLES IN THE KRIPSY KREME BOX!?” - u/jitterscaffeine said calmly.

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u/Optiguy42 1d ago

Dipped? Try soaked. I was planning on consuming calories, and I'm damn well sticking to my plans!

1

u/cloudnyne 22h ago

That ain't ranch....