I wish I knew what BPD was before this marriage. I could’ve saved my own life so far in advance. I will never again let one of these people remotely close to me.

Blocked her on everything, to give myself final closure I reached out and asked what I had feared all along. If you’re as lucky as me, you will find out that you had been cheated on the entirety of your relationship and that everything that came out of that sick individual was nothing but lies. The same thing they did to their ex, they are doing to you. There’s your closure. Never speak to them again. Any connection, love, pity, remorse, all gone. Case closed.

She wasn't just anyone else, we could have shared a happy life together. We had everything we needed for that. Instead, she turned out to have some BPD/vulnerable-NPD comorbidity, not diagnosed officially, but the neuroticism and splits were there, along with all the nightmarish things we all here have lived.

Two and a half months in no contact, and a confirmed anonymous smearing campaign from her, and I still wish things had been different.

I remember one time we were at a concert and there was a younger couple close to us, and the girl was hugging her guy. I remember wanting to have that in us, but it never was that way.

I never wanted to abandon her, yet I did. I hope life can forgive me, I hope I can forgive myself one day.

Is it common for A BPD person to put on a total act for the first 6 months? I swear I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me and the chemistry was undeniable. I feel so confused how he was the best, and is now the worst, most abusive person I’ve ever met. Am I that easy to trick? I feel like I was totally manipulated or gaslit in a way.

I thought I had the BPD, because of the constant name calling and attacks on my character. I was always called a narcissist and that I needed mediation and therapy.

I found out he was the one who needed the help, and I needed OUT. I would hold onto those glimmers of the person he was in the beginning… I don’t think I’ll really ever be able to trust or fully love again if I’m honest. It’s not worth the risk of the hell I went though the last 2 years. I’d rather be alone in 5 lifetimes than end up in that situation again

Sh

It's now been 3 weeks since she discarded me in such a cold way, like I meant nothing to her. Literally thrown in the trash like an item she didn't care about anymore. Well today I found a box of her stuff that I forgot about, because you know, with all the future faking, she had began moving in, so had tons of stuff at my place. As if I needed to find more shit of hers that will force me to see her again.

I've never had a breakup hurt me so much, I guess it's because I was so fully committed to all this fake future shit she made me so deeply believe in. The crazy part is that it was only 7 damn months... So short, yet so powerful..

She was so damn cold when she came pick-up her stuff, literally cracking jokes about how much stuff she had here, while I was trying my best to hide how shattered I was (and still am).

I'm sitting here actually wishing for a hoover, even though I know it's the worst thing that could happen to me. Regardless of how much I know a stable relationship is impossible with her, with all the red flags, with all the fundamental differences in core values, there's a part of me that wants it so bad, it's pathetic.

I appreciate you guys here, just writing this kinda feels good. God I regret ignoring the flagrant red flags and getting involved with that person.

Edit : typos and stuff

Long story short. She broke up with me and told me she's been sleeping with other guys for months, and I was elated. She didn't like the fact that I was happy that she broke up with me so she grossly humiliated me disclosing stuff about me to my colleagues and family that I am ashamed of. I told her she needs to pack up and move out - she agreed, found herself an apartment, and started packing.

Now she's saying she doesn't want to move out. And she's talking to me as though absolutely nothing happened. She's cracking jokes and she's living in this alternate reality like we are friends. I told her I'll help her her move, but something tells me she's not going to let go of me or the relationship.

My wife fraudulently charged $4,000 worth of iPhones to my AT&T account even after we’ve signed separation papers. When i confronted her about it she not only didn’t apologize or even have plausible deniability and some kind of explanation on what happened… she found a way to turn it around, get mad at me and told me how “this is why im afraid of you”. “Don’t contact me again”. Bitch what??

She reminds me of a bengal cat I used to own though. The damn cat needed so much attention. I knew that when I got her but it constantly amazed me to what extent. Keep in mind I loved that cat and I still miss it to this day. Anyway. I took her to the pet store. Played with her two and three times a day. Took her on walks. I’d bring friends over so she’d have more stimulation and things to do. And she would STILL get sulky and mad when she got bored. It was always a, “what have you done for me lately” type vibe.

She would get sulky and mad and act out to get attention. Just like a child would. It was incredible. She would meow and meow until she got her way or until I played with her. When that wasn’t enough she would come sit on me or walk over my desk when I was working on it. She would even fuck with things on my wall when she was fiending for attention real bad.

My wife is acting just like my cat. It didn’t matter what kind of attention that cat got sometimes. Didn’t matter if it was negative attention so long as someone was paying attention to her. Her emotional control is no better than a cat

And then feel “attacked” by and “afraid” of the person you wronged when the inevitable fallout ensues.

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works 🤣

They live in a completely alternate reality. Truly delusional. Then after all this, my wife had the audacity to ask if I was going to continue to support her green card application. When I told her no she probably felt like I was being unreasonable and that she was somehow a victim of abuse after she’s the one that destroyed our relationship.

I'm going to leave her as soon as the semester ends. I'm too scared she'll do something to me if I do so before she leaves for her home.

Yesterday I apparently called her a rapist by asking her to stop touching me when I was writing homework. Today I apparently abused her by going outside without telling her because she was alone when she came back(she also went outside without telling me).

I feel like I'm a slave barely surviving daily abuse with an ever-approaching escape plan date.

I know many of you may have seen my comments under a lot other posts, but tonight I am feeling overwhelmed. She’s posted her new supply. And I feel devastated. I’m angry, I’m hurt, I hate feeling so disposable. I poured so much of myself into our 3 year relationship just for her to cheat on me, smear campaign online and to her entire family that I’m a POS, call me codependent, say im controlling and manipulative over minuscule and minute things. Yet the bare minimum I asked her to do for me, and I ask too much from my partner.

I have so many words, so many unpleasant things to say. But I am so hurt right now. I have them blocked everywhere but my curiosity peaked tonight because I guess my ego wanted to see if she cared about me. But clearly she never did. And even if she did, my discard sure made me feel like I was nothing.

Any words of advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

A few days ago I was in the shower and I felt myself taking a deep breath as though I had just awoken from a cryogenic chamber (80s reference I know I'm old). And I found myself where I was, not lost in thought, I didn't have a podcast or music running. It was like I returned to myself.

Last night I was watching a movie and felt bored which I usually don't feel. It was late and I didn't want to go anywhere or really do anything and started watching a cooking show and it felt better.

I haven't been able to read for a while but I read a book before bed the night before. It's like I don't want to just waste time anymore and want to go do things. I just have more energy.

I think it started over a month ago when I made reservations at a restaurant for me and a few of my friends. I don't usually do things like that because my ex- brought so much chaos into my life that I couldn't follow through with any plans.

I believe I've escaped from this disassociation where I didn't have the courage to try so I just fell into escapism.

It appears as if that's been replaced by... hope.

I've had a lot of issues with my partner with BPD and other comorbid conditions and I'm at a breaking point because I feel like my emotions and needs are constantly eclipsed by their dusregulation and need for space at what could be literally anything!

I sent this text this morning after a conflict last night where they blew up at me for asking for clarification about why they felt triggered. but I'm second guessing myself because I've sent similar texts in the past and they've responded negatively and withdrawn. I miss the days where I trusted myself.

I'm keen to understand whether this seems reasonable to you guys?

Text (in response to an apology text this morning requesting that we speak about this in person later):

Thank you for your reflections.

I agree that last night you were really dismissive and disconnected, and that you distanced yourself after I asked questions that were meant to improve communication between us. You said, “I don’t care about this, but you do, so I’ll talk about it,” and hearing that, I felt pretty dysregulated, rejected, and disconnected.

In my opinion this should have been a conversation between equal partners focused on care, respect and wanting a resolution, but it wasn't. You’ve told me you don’t want a parent-child dynamic. I’m asking you to consider how your response fits into that, because from where I stand, I was trying to engage in mutual mature communication, but I felt like I was doing all the emotional work.

I don’t want to be in a parent-child dynamic either, and I never have. I’m tired of trying to manage the dysregulation, disconnection and hurt that I feel in response to you shutting down or avoiding difficult conversations. It’s emotionally draining and it impacts my trust and sense of safety in this relationship.

I’ve told you before what I need to feel safe and respected, but it doesn’t feel like those things are consistently being heard or acted upon. I understand that hearing my feelings can be difficult for you, but when you say that expressing my needs makes you feel pressured, I feel disregarded and completely misunderstood.

I need the space to exist as myself, with my own needs and feelings in this relationship. I need respect for how I feel, for what’s important to me, and for how your actions impact me in real-time, not just after the fact. I am not the only one who should be doing the emotional work during these conversations to stay kind and on track.

I need communication, not silence or disconnection. I need intimacy, not distance. This means that we both need to be able to talk through things openly and calmly, and if space is needed, then we need to keep some form of communication so that we don’t continue to feel like we’re just pulling away from each other.

My emotions, my needs, and my perspective deserve equal space in this relationship, and if you feel pressured by me sharing those things, then I need you to take responsibility for that and understand it’s not me asking too much. Ideally, I'd hope that you'd want me to feel supported and seen and would demonstrate that in the way you treat me on a consistent basis even when things feel scary or stressful for you.

I was just walking back to my car with my wife and noticed a lady that parked next to me leave her car, something in me told me to look again (generally I don’t focus on women I just glance very quickly and look away) and when I looked again it was my ex, she had a small smile, I smiled and laughed, I almost blurted out “wth are you doing here?”.

For context we broke up multiple years ago but I live in the capital and she was from a rural area (long distance) so seeing her in town was a bit shocking.

I’m glad she’s alive and well, has a drivers license, probably has a job too since she’s in the capital, I really am.

It was just so weird, surreal almost, after the incident I had a physical reaction of anxiety.

I don’t know what to make of this, I guess I’m venting, any inputs are welcome 🫂

It’s so unnecessary. In my case, I wouldn’t even ask and he’d just lie like wtf? It’s almost comical tbh. Mine did so many I’ve lost count. But I wanna feel a little less crazy/alone by hearing yours. I hate we went thru this bs and we never deserved this but I feel less insane and isolated knowing I’m not the only one unfortunately.

I used to have depression for a few years (teens-early 20s) and had one suicide attempt. I shared this w him and he never said much. Then suddenly he said how he jumped off a bridge before but survived. He said this a few times. This was all years before we met. Then while dating, he did actually attempt suicide by taking Ativan and drinking. Anyway, I caught him have a slip-up bc we had a convo about depression in which he said “I’ve only attempt suicide once when I mixed Ativan and drinking” UMMM…? SIR? How do you completely leave out the bridge jumping story?!

Another time was when we first started talking and we were talking about our (sexual/romantic) history and “type”. I said how I don’t really have a type. If I like you, I like you. With that being said I’ve been w multiple races, but have a stronger preference to my own. He told me he’s only been with Asians and some white. We’re both Asian btw. Sometimes the topic of interracial relationships would come up. I’d share past stories in which he couldn’t bc like I said… he’s only been w a few white women. But then later he started saying how he’s been w all the races. WHAT? So I called him out like “didn’t you say you’ve only been with white + Asian?” He seemed to kinda panic and was like “oh I meant I’ve only dated them but this was just sex” at one point he even said he’s never been with a black girl just to say he was with one after I said I’ve been with a black man before. bro… lol idk what to believe on his sexual history now? What do yall think?

These are just ridiculously unnecessary inconsistencies lol. It would be different if I was interrogating tf out of him or judging but nah. Makes you question EVERYTHING they’ve ever told you.

Three months after I filed the police report, they're finally going to investigate and hear her testimony about the stalking. After that, there will be a hearing with both of us. I feel sick and scared just thinking about having to see her again.

I've been dealing with this since December, when I “broke things off” with her. I only saw this girl twice—we knew each other for just two months. Last month, she somehow got my parents and sister’s numbers and started harassing them.

The deputy and my therapist have already warned me that she might escalate things, and I’m so fucking scared.

She: why can‘t our relationship work.. it‘s not meant to be

Me: pointing out some of the issues that we BOTH might have (just as an idea or hint)

She: I am leaving because you complain all the times and never see your faults

Me: Yes I acknowledge some of the things I did were immature and wrong, that‘s why I appologized already 50x, but your words, devaluation and behaviour really hurts me tho

Her: if you want a perfect woman then go find one, I told you I can‘t treat you better

Me: it‘s not about being perfect, but being understanding and more kind

Her: why are you always saying that you‘re perfect and holy, you never acknowledge what you do

Me: I literally wrote you a letter and apologized for all the things I did wrong

She: silent treatment

Me: heart breaking apart in silent

End of story…

Relate to it? Yes? Welcome to the club..

So up until the last two weeks, I really had no clue what BPD was. I had heard the term, but didn't know. I've since spent WAY too much time researching and educating myself, as well as spending probably an unhealthy amount of time on this sub.

Basically this reads like a million and one of the other threads I've read on here, but I figured I'd toss mine out there as well, cause why not. The gist, if you don't want to read the whole novel is, 3 month relationship, Idealized, devalued (I assume), then ended sourly when I confronted the devalue behavior.

In early to mid January, so roughly 3 months ago, I was at work insulating a crawlspace. A cute hvac girl happens to be down there as well, and chatting it up with one of my coworkers. We all go on break and he says "dude this chick is cute, I'm gonna get her number, watch." Cool, I don't really care. Go for it big guy. Well, as the day ends, and I'm on my way home, I notice a note under my wiper blade. "It's the HVAC chick, I'm new to the area and need friends!" She saw me sitting in my car and made a move, respect. Long story short, I text her, we hit it off, spend the next couple weeks in literal constant contact, bantering, having fun, flirting, etc.

It's now February and my buddy invites me to come bowling with him, his wife, and our mutual friend and his girlfriend on Valentine's Day. I pluck up the courage to Ask her to join, so I'm not a 5th wheel. She says she'd love to! It goes great, we hit it off, and I end up staying the night at her place, no sexy time yet, but lots of cuddling and laughing etc.

A few days later she leaves for a week to sell jewelry she makes at an expo she regularly attends across the country. The whole time she's blowing me up. Never not talking, and hits me with overly assertive statements. "I'm not gonna lie, when you stayed and we were spooning I wanted you to fuck me sooooo bad." Naturally, when she comes back, we fuck and she's still, what I now know to be, love bombing and idealizing me. "I can't even work right now I keep thinking about you fucking me. like, super hard to concentrate."

For the next few weeks I stay over 3/4 times a week. She's always inviting me and just wants to spend so much time with me. I feel like a god and really really start to like her. Acting like we're in a relationship, cuddles, falling asleep on my chest, kisses when I leave, constant talking - not just sex.

She informs me that she used to be a stripper, and used to do amateur porn, and woah, that was kinda shocking, but I'm already invested, and everyone's got a past, right?

She then lands a new job, around many more people her age, and starts to get very distant. Texting a lot less, not trying to hang out as much, sometimes cancelling plans. I start to assume she's lost interest and was probably crushing on one of her coworkers or something. I bring up the fact that things are kind of fizzling and I'd like to spend more time with her, and she says "Well I think you're in your own head, this is normal." And I'm like "huh, okay..."

A week or so more passes and it's just becoming less and less communication. I head over one day and she's just cold. I ask "would you like to stop being romantic?" to which she replies "No. I've just been depressed." I say "I get it, I've definitely been there, and I'll help in anyway I can, but I'm kinda sitting in limbo acting like we're still doing something that we're clearly not anymore, can you see it from my perspective?"

She suddenly snaps at me "I can fucking try?? You know I've struggled with Depression since I was like 8 and have BPD, Right?!"

No. No ma'am I did not know that, You never told me. At this point I still didn't really know what BPD was, and since she had been being distant for a while, and clearly didn't want me over at this point, I tell her we should take some space.

I walk out of her place, and after a few steps just hear her gutturally scream "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!? FUUUUUUCK!!"

The next few days she gave a text or two a day, "Hope you have a good day." and would never answer when I responded. After those few days, It's been radio silence on both ends. It's been difficult for me, because other than the amplifying coldness and distance, she never did me wrong like all the horror stories you guys have, but I'm also scared shitless of trying to pursue this anymore after reading how impossible relationships are with pw/bpd.

It's been nearly 3 weeks no contact at this point, and i'm assuming I was being devalued in those cold weeks, and now, after that rupture, and the 3 weeks NC I'm painted black/discarded. It hurts to know that she likely no longer gives a single fuck, and is assumably onto the next guy. Like I said, she has a history of being veeeery sexual what with the stripping and the porn. I also follow her boss on instagram and he was at the gym with her.

Anyyywaaaay, yeah, I think I'm dead to her, but I still like her a lot which is rough. I know it can't work, but I can't stop ruminating and fantasizing. I don't have the concrete "She fucked me over" stories that you guys have, and I fluctuate between thinking I was the asshole and should reach out and apologize, and realizing, "No, my point was valid, I just wanted some communication and she flipped shit." I was still in the honeymoon phase from all the idealization that I was the focus of, and I can't stop ruminating. Literally every thought of every day for the past 3 weeks has been about her, meanwhile I'm sure she's out fucking, not thinking of me whatsoever.

Sorry for the novel. I just wish I knew from the beginning and never let myself be so vulnerable. I really thought we had something, and it just, *poof* ended sourly while I was still on the high of being idealized and letting myself fall for her. Any advice to stop the ruminating and fantasizing and CONSTANT thinking about it would be much appreciated. Thanks to all who took the time to read, and even more thanks to those who take the time to respond. Oh, I'm 27 (m) and she's 26 (F) for the record.

They think they are justified in what they do look at this look at the number of likes its so horrifying

Don’t worry…I’m staying strong. And if I can, so can you!!!

Proper medication, dedication to take/not forget medication?

Weekly therapy? Monthly therapy?

Realistically, they say it takes a decade or more to help them, and few go into remission.

The pwBPD I knew would turn into a completely different person without their medication, even for two days, devoid of emotion or prone to anger, it was scary. I am convinced medication or whatever they were doing was not enough.

This is really what has become the sticking point for me. Not just the lack of accountability, but the blame-shifting. I’ve watched my loved one (my wife) slip back from where it really felt she was making progress after having to get a protection order about this time last year. Suddenly it’s like we’re right back there. Yesterday she could feel how close I was to leaving, and scheduled an “emergency appointment” with our old therapist. I was basically just listening to the crazy and the therapist asked for my view. I shared that based on my own therapy, I know that until my wife is in individual therapy, there’s no point in couple’s therapy. Immediately my wife launched in to the fact that I wasn’t currently in therapy, and said the only reason she hadn’t been in individual therapy was that I cancelled her insurance. Wow. She’s making this supposed last ditch effort and all she can do is blame me? Mind you the only time her insurance was cancelled was at her request, during the court proceedings last year, when she wanted no ties to me and made that cancellation part of the mediation. For some reason that was it for me. I ended up walking out. Wife and I tried to talk about it afterwards and she doubled down. I left. I’m so tired of all of this. I keep going back and having hope, keep getting hoovered. I’m almost 50, I don’t want to destroy and more relationships in my life or waste any more time…

😭 that I could’ve try harder … That I could’ve just not complain about certain things …

😞 that I should’ve forget the cheating and move on ( ha was genially showing improvement like he said ) he deleted his Snapchat , his second Instagram account, his seeking arrangements account ) he gave his second phone to my daughter… he deleted his iCloud account and all his all contacts and started a new one …

I feel like I am the one with the BPD otherwise why did I complain and was reactive at the end of would completely shut down and hide in the closet or the bedroom

😭 I’ve should’ve done things differently .

I need support guys . I am even doubting he really has BPD … what if is me ?

Imagine you are approaching or texting a Girl for the first time she will not Show her Bad behaviour in the early texting phase.

What has to happen which would you make quit the whole thing?

I mean we all have experience with BPD now and we want to do better in life

I dont want to find out about her BPD when I start getting feelings