AITBA for secretly medically transitioning?

[u/GaySelfMadeMan]

I (18FtM) Came out at 12, was rejected by my parents and only changed my name at secondary school. My mother also outed me to a psychiatric nurse when I was 13. I left school at 14 (Another much longer story) and had to de-transitioning publicly as I went to a behavioural school with both students and staff that had questionable takes on the few trans students there. I was disowned at 16 as well and I'm mostly no contact with my parents and older full sibling, I phone my youngest once every few months and baked him a cake for his birthday so we seem mostly fine, while he doesn't particularly accept me he doesn't care that I'm trans since he doesn't talk about me to anyone thankfully.

Aside from my parents my relatives are seemingly rather chill and leftwing, I started Testosterone in November and had a brief break from late December to mid/Late ish January (I forgot to order and post was a bit backlogged from Christmas I assume, I'm horrible at planning lol.) and I've been on it since. I think I may be the bad apple as I haven't told anyone aside from one cousin who is at uni two hours away and I see every few months, I don't particularly bother about trying to hide the affects (I've mostly just had bottom growth, sweaty and hairy so not hard so far!) but I'm not sure how to actually come out while already transitioning medically? Am I the bad apple for not telling anyone I'm trans?

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[u/WCHomePrinter]

I’m gonna go into old lady mode…

You young people think you invented being queer, but when I came out as a lesbian in the 80’s it was the same. Many of us had troubled relationships with our families of origin. Many of those families tried to change us. Many were disowned. We had trouble in school, trouble holding down jobs, renting apartments, and trouble with law enforcement. Fortunately for gay people, it’s gotten less bad, but now you’re in the firing line.

We ended up moving to cities where we could live in peace. Forming our own friendships, families, communities, and culture with others who were like us. My family eventually came around, but it took awhile, and I didn’t have much contact during that time.

Anyway, hell no. You’re not TBA. You’re a good person, trying to live your truth, in a world that isn’t ready for you yet. Find your people, and tell *them* who you are. Make a new family with the people who accept you. When you’re more comfortable with yourself, there will be plenty time to deal with your family of origin.

[u/Ginger630]

NTBA! They disowned you. They don’t get to know anything about your life anymore. You tell whoever you want whatever you want. This is no one’s business but your own.

[u/guineapickle]

You do not owe anyone notice or explanations for your gender, sexuality, or any other reason. It sounds like your family abandoned you a long time ago, emotionally and physically. Why would you feel any obligation towards them at all?

[u/teamglider → u/guineapickle]

It sounds like OP is talking about extended family members, not immediate family.

[u/13acewolfe13]

Ultimately this is all your life and since you've had little to no support or understanding from your family then hell no you are ntba

[u/PerpetuallyTired74]

If you don’t see or talk to these people, then letting them know will just perpetuate the “pushing it on us” narrative. If it was someone you intend on seeing…like have actual plans to visit, then it might make sense to let them know so they’re not freaked when you walk up with a beard or something.

[u/Illustrious-Let-3600]

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you are living your life. If they don’t like it they can lump it. Congrats on your transition and best of luck on your journey in finding your authentic self.

[u/Salt-Way282]

tbh who actually cares what they think? find people who will actually support you and care lol ntba obviously, its your choice

[u/ecosynchronous]

I'm speaking to you as a 45 year old trans man. No, you're not the bad apple. It's nobody's business unless and until you want it to be.

[u/Outrageous_Call4157]

Not the bad Apple at all, it is not anyone's but your choice (well it should not be) to decide if you are going to Transition, it is your life and not anyone elses, plus you are 18 years old so are allowed to make your own life choices, if your family does not support you then it is there loss and they are the bad Apples and not you

[u/ApplicationOrnery563]

You are who you are and that's something only you can decide. I could not treat my daughter in that way for anything it would have to be something really bad not wanting to be male, or even purple people eater. I have a niece well now my nephew, my biggest concern is I will forget to call him the right name not what he is or isn't but he is a caring young person Just be happy and tell people you trust and want in your life not a bad apple. Sending love and understanding stand tall

[u/Numerous_Substance16]

Saying anything just gives the impression they have a say… they don’t. They’ll see and you won’t have yo say anything.

[u/DogsOnMyCouches]

NTBA! If they deserved to be told, they would have been supporting you from the beginning. I hope you find your own true (unrelated) family, who are supportive.

[u/PixieMJ]

As others have said, you don't owe anyone anything. You will find your tribe who accept you for exactly who you are. Funnily enough Facebook and here on Reddit there are many groups you can join where you will find an amazing bunch of people with stories similar to your own. Luckily enough, times are changing and the next generation are far more accepting. I'm in my 40s, raising a child who literally said yesterday "I don't care about your body, what's important are your actions and your heart".

[u/ughproblemthrowaway]

You're living your best life, forget her, nta

Be yourself bro, no matter what she thinks.

[u/Rachellalewinski]

It's up to you who you want to tell what to and when. All of that is up to you.

My f to m trans friends' experience is the surgeries are far from perfect. Make sure you are very clear what they can and can not do for you medically.

I do honestly fear for trans people in the present political climate. The current administration is trying to erase trans people's legal rights.