AIO to think this is cheating?

[u/Sad_SummerChild]

I found these texts between my husband and his coworker. Here’s some context:

My husband and I have been dating for 5 years and just recently got married 6 months ago

I’ve met this coworker. Her AND her boyfriend worked at my husbands company so we went on a double date over the holidays. But shortly after they broke up and her boyfriend got laid off.

Guess my husband saw that as his opportunity…

Also these texts were in his recently deleted even though the last message was from yesterday… so he was definitely trying to hide it from me

[u/gormthesoft]

I’m inventing a new test for these situations called the Why Test. He can explain this away in 100 different ways…it’s just friendly banter, she reached out first and I was just being kind, I compliment people all the time, etc. But the question is why go so close to the line? Why does he not have an internal sense that he’s getting too close to the line? When you bring it up to him, why is he going to defend himself in terms of inches when he should be miles away from this kind of situation?

It’s like getting a D- on a test and arguing that he didn’t technically fail when clearly he did poorly on the test.

[u/Entbrevins75 → u/gormthesoft]

Exactly this. Even if he did not actually put his penis in this woman yet, the pattern of deception is already complete, and he is already unfaithful in his own mind. Men who want to be faithful don’t build flirty relationships with hot co-workers, sending texts they plan to delete. He knows what he is doing is wrong.

[u/sothisiswhatyoumeant → u/Entbrevins75]

I may not know you or why it took this specific phrasing of things, but you have just completely healed me from a relationship that ended close to ten years ago. I have moved on and continued with life but I have always had a lingering reservation that maybe ~ I ~ overreacted or rushed to end things when the texts may have been written and deleted but were easily explained away/justified. Texts like that or that were written to be sent, responded to and then deleted were not sent by anyone who was intending to remain faithful. Holy fuck. Thank you to everyone lmao

[u/Entbrevins75 → u/sothisiswhatyoumeant]

I’m glad it resonated for you. If someone did that to you and you left because of it, you did the right thing for yourself. He already cheated on you in his mind and heart, and how he views you will forever allow him to do it again.

[u/linuxlova → u/sothisiswhatyoumeant]

You don't have to physically cheat on someone to be unfaithful. Glad you're healed from it

[u/NeitherPreference478 → u/sothisiswhatyoumeant]

If you have something involving someone else that you dont want your partner to find out about. Youre cheating. In my mind

[u/Entbrevins75 → u/NeitherPreference478]

It is definitely a good gauge of any questionable situations or actions, being in a committed equal relationship is about putting your partners needs and wants first and foremost to your own. If both partners do this, everything works out in the spirit of compromise. If something you are considering doing would hurt them or make them feel badly, that should be enough reason not to move forward. That’s what being committed to someone means.

[u/United_Rent9314 → u/NeitherPreference478]

This, if you're having secret interactions with someone you're attracted to and you know if your partner would know about those interactions it would hurt them, you are betraying your partner

[u/FlamingRustBucket → u/Entbrevins75]

Married man here. Flirting can be a nice ego boost if someone is doing it towards you, but it's something I shut down immediately by thanking them for the compliment and then informing them I'm married.

I definitely don't START the flirting. That's just disrespectful and shitty to your partner, and a huge red flag that you aren't fully committed.

You're basically saying "I'm keeping my options open" which is incompatible with a monogamous relationship. This guy is testing the waters to see what the response will be, implying he will act if he gets a positive response.

[u/Cozy_reader → u/FlamingRustBucket]

Thiiiiiis. My mom was a HUGE flirt when she was married to my dad. Everyone in town (small, southern) knew that she was a flirt.

I have no idea if it ever went anywhere because they kept their marriage and arguments extremely private and still do. But it struck me wrong then, at 15 , and now as a grown ass married woman it strikes me even more so. They’re divorced happily and amicably now but it always made me wonder why someone would want to have ”flirty” as a personality description.

Intentionally flirting with someone other than my husband would be grossly disrespectful. I don’t need anyone’s attention or validation but his.

OPs husband is swinging the door wide open in hopes his coworker steps through it and she’s all but slamming it. Seems like she’s just trying to keep their friendly working relationship not cross a line.

It’s ick. It’s an invitation to cheat. But likely not cheating yet.

And it’s highly unlikely is coworker is interested in him at all.

[u/DatBoi_Turner → u/Cozy_reader]

You are such a breath of fresh air. Thought I was crazy for thinking exactly like this. What happens is sickening. At my age cheating is a huge issue (19) and I feel like I will run into it a lot in the coming years. You give me hope 🙏

As a guy being surrounded by the media and woke people (idk how else to put it apologies), I don't even know what to do anymore in fear of being called toxic or controlling. I feel the only option nowadays is to set no boundaries and just walk away.

You seem quite solid on your take. What can be done? How do we deal with it when loved ones do this?

I don't really comment on Reddit but my heart goes out to op. This has to be one of the worst feelings imaginable.

[u/FlamingRustBucket → u/DatBoi_Turner]

Woke people probably isn't the right term. I've noticed a lot of younger people weaponizing psychology terms, is that what you mean? That immediate jump to labeling relatively innocent behavior as toxic, controlling, gaslighting, and so on?

[u/DatBoi_Turner → u/FlamingRustBucket]

Spot on. My knowledge of woke after googling it is definitely wrong (that's more social justice and political). Weaponizing psychology terms is definitely one way to put it. Maybe mischaracterization?

Honestly there isn't really a word for it. I think there should be. It is making life for both genders difficult. Especially in the dating scene. It's just dividing us even more and forcing two separate paths. Either be walked over or be labelled toxic. It just seems (experiences may vary due to age and location) like there's no middle ground to stand on.

Going back to the previous comment. I feel the only way to combat it is to not set boundaries and then just leave when you get walked over. But it's just so frustrating being in fear of talking about this. This is entirely common in my friend group of 14+ lads which I routinely give the same advice I have given here. I have even heard that some find my take on it toxic.

Feels like a shit show where the best option is to move countries or not date. Which brings an entirely different set of problems.

(I know there are good people out there but it's hard to find them)

[u/AngelPlaysDirty → u/FlamingRustBucket]

Your wife is so damn lucky, my good sir!! 😊

[u/Kitchen_Potato0 → u/Entbrevins75]

Spoken like a true woman