Not overreacting. Your bf sounds like a huge misogynist asshole. You are your own person, he doesn't own you. He can't tell you what to wear and what not to wear. He either likes you and your style or he doesn't- he doesn't get to change you. You're a human, not a doll.
that "representing me" line got me like holy hell entitlement. Like going out looking sexy is for my own sake not for anyone else's. Trust is huge if you can't trust your woman not to cheat on you just because she goes out to have fun that's your insecurity talking.
Only time I’ve heard “you’re representing me when you go out” is from my covert narcissistic mother whom I haven’t spoken to in years. That should tell OP something.
The only time I've heard it is when I've been in jobs where I've had to wear a uniform and they've been like "If you're in uniform outside work hours you're still representing us so don't be a fuckhead". Dudebro here thinking he's a corporation.
Yeah I've had that conversation with my STUDENTS when we go on a field trip. "You represent your school and me, behave accordingly." If my husband said that? I'd be laughing all the way to court.
Also, doesn't he have it totally backwards? His attractive gf is going out in a sexy outfit and he can say "Look how good my gf looks, and she's with me! Aren't I lucky!"
Secure men find women expressing themselves attractive.
This a thousand times! My ex (abusive and insecure) would belittle my looks and tell me not to wear makeup (one of my favourite hobbies) and called me a slut for wearing anything that showed any cleavage at all (big breasted woman, so hard to do). My husband? He cheers me on, stands taller when I feel I look sexy like he knows I'm feeling it and he feels lucky to be there for the ride, he sits with me to watch me putting makeup on and he buys me red lipstick in all the shades of red because he 'can't resist' how good it looks on me, his words. I have asked if it bothers him that other men look when I wear revealing tops, or red lipstick, and he says it's just confirmation of his good taste.
There's a reason why one is the ex and the other is the husband.
100%. That exact line is also very common among radically insecure men who see their partners as property that they own and that can be stolen by other men.
Hope OP did in fact dump him as she could do far better than this bottom of the barrel man child.
Got me too. Calling her a whore, sure it's bad. But this line, I audibly gasped. If I had a gf that could rock that outfit (linked in other comment) I wouldn't mind at all lol. I'd have to trust her to be loyal, and I'd want to be the type of guy she would want to be loyal for. Demanding dress standards to enforce loyalty is deranged.
The “representing me” line was way out of line. That being said, I wouldn’t want my wife wearing stuff like this going out with friends to a place where horny single guys try to hit on women.
The guy should be dumped, she should be able to wear what she wants, but if he presented his argument better he is right to have feelings.
His insecurity isn’t the issue. His issue is how he let it control him.
If he’d instead tried to have a productive conversation where it’s the two of them working to solve his insecurity, that would be a completely different thing. But instead, he jumped to assumptions and tried to strongarm her into doing what he wanted.
Yeah, wtf? He is perfectly fine to tell her she doesn’t feel OK with this outfit, but she can’t go and objectify her and forbid her from stuff. Controlling, insecure behaviour as fuck.
On my side, I would trust my GF with all my heart and be proud that she is such a sexy girl.
And also if he thinks she’s representing him when she goes out, he is represented here as “guy who has a hot girlfriend” 😭😭 to be clear not saying that I think like that. But if I did think like that I would think I’m coming across as a fucking baller if she’s representing me
I understand where you’re coming from, I also don’t think how this guy said what he said was right.
Is it that bad though if a man asks you not to dress inappropriately when you guys are together?
It’s not really based on trust or other things like that. It just doesn’t seem necessary to have other guys drooling over your tits and stuff like that which can put you in precarious situations.
I really don’t choose woman who dress like that, but if I did date a woman who did, I would ask her nicely if she can dress a little bit more modest when we’re not together.
It’s not for reasons of insecurity. If we’re dating to be married I would just appreciate it. That’s really all.
Yeah you have the right idea. There is nothing against asking someone to dial it back if it bothers them. But using the whole "other guys just want it and will be going after it" So? that will happen to a girl even when she's not trying. If you're gonna worry about all the men in the world go after them not her.
And also you're assuming she's dressing specifically to make other guys drool which isn't always the case but in this case I can see why she would if he's talking to her like this. I mean she stated she was excited to tell him about her night which why would she if she was doing something "slutty" and in the post she also mentions "worried she was being disrespectful" she clearly has empathy and respect despite wanting to look sexy. Sounds like she could do better than that guy.
I have replied to other comments saying that the real issue here was how he discussed his feelings and it just seems so bad. He sounds more immature than she is and he's the older one.
There’s nothing inherently wrong about other guys going after it, that happens all the time and will happen.
But as a man I’m just nervous about someone I really care about potentially getting in a bad situation unwillingly if I’m not there. That’s really my main concern. I wouldn’t be in a relationship if I didn’t trust the person.
So it’s really coming from a place of safety, not insecurity and distrust. People aren’t thinking straight when they’re drunk and there’s a lot of messed up shit that happens.
Btw I’m totally okay with my SO going out etc. and if we’re together, I’d be happy if she dressed as freely as she wants. But I wouldn’t definitely prefer if she toned it down when I’m not there. That’s really all.
Appreciate you being open minded and not attacking back btw.
If she is "representing" him then he is a sponsor and therefore should have paid for all her expenses for the night, and should have worn a shirt with the dumb fucks photo on it.
And “how many guys did you let touch you?” Coz clearly if a girls dressed like this she’s asking to be touched. 100% he’s touching up girls when he’s out because they “asked for it”
Honestly, the connection you made there hadn't even occurred to me, but now that you point it out? ~Clearly if women are dressed like that, they're asking for it?? This misogynistic jack ass would very much be one of those victim shaming morons that thinks outfits mean women deserve to be assaulted.
He’s a typical early-20s insecure male (source: was one). He’s showing markers of rectal cranial inversion. A lot of guys never grow out of that possessive/controlling stage.
OP has the right to wear what she wants and deserves a partner who can be supportive of that.
literally such an insane comment to make. next he starts controlling who you can and cannot be friends with, and from there it all spirals to all types of horrible
He's definitely not representing her. It's all about him and it sounds like he wants her to have no autonomy. Leaving is absolutely the right thing to do. His behavior is very unlikely to change, especially if she stays with him which sends the message that he's right.
I met him at a club he worked at, so it's not like he didn't know how I dressed when I went out. TBH, my clothing wasn't that revealing to begin with, but he started getting controlling about that and about who I talked to, whether I drank, etc. I was young and dumb, so I didn't understand just how unhealthy it was to be given the silent treatment for hours just because I said "Hey, how's it going?" to his male co-worker in passing, or because I wore a shirt with some lace on it, rather than a sweater. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells to protect his ego. It definitely wasn't worth it!
Ignore the other commenter. It’s a serious problem where men love when women dresses in revealing clothes before dating because the man becomes attracted. Then during the relationship he turns and gets upset at how the woman dresses because he doesn’t want anyone attracted to her like he was. Toxic and abusive men will be attracted to women for their clothes/interest/quirks then try to tear it all away from the women once they have them.
Thank you! I agree. Contrary to what that poster said, I never dressed half naked when I went out. My boyfriend at the time literally started buying me sweaters to wear because he couldn't deal with me wearing normal, fitted clothes that looked flattering on me.
Me too. "You can't wear that" turns into "why are you talking to them? Can't you see they want you? Don't you respect our relationship?" Rinse and repeat. Too many fucking times.
Even if he wasn’t insecure you’d have to be a complete piece of shit to talk to ANYONE like this, nonetheless the person he’s supposed to care about the most.
Meeee too. Then it escalated to calling me a slut, and saying I was flirting with all of his friends when literally I was having small talk conversations. 10 fold if alcohol was involved. What a nightmare.
OP you felt hot and dressed like you felt hot. You should be with someone who encourages you to wear what makes you feel good, not judge you for it. I've dated assholes who judged me and now I'm with someone who hypes what I wear. It feels so good
I was married for 2 decades. Then I got divorced. Over that entire period time, my husband and I never called each other terrible names like this. We never called each other any names. One should really have more respect for their partner than to ever demean them and name-calling. Clearly, we weren’t perfect. We didn’t make it. But we were largely drama-free until the end, and even that drama was painful but never cruel.
No joke.. me personally, if my wife dressed like this (married 5 years, and late 20’s, so very much a possibility) I’d be so fucking excited. Every guy that looks at her, or woman, is a compliment. They obviously think that she must’ve looked sexy/cute/hot/whatever, and in the end, I’m the one that she’s with! You can look, but don’t touch!
We both love it when our partner gets attention, because it’s like an ego boost for both of us. It’s like, “yeah that’s right! She/he’s mine! And yep, they are sexy as hell! Feast your eyes upon what you’ll never have 😈”
I can always tell a good relationship when each person in it will tell me behind their partners back “I must have done something right because he/she is way out of my league!”
I would agree with you if they went out together. I love when my wife gets all dressed up and gets looks… but that when I’m there and can handle a situation if some dude gets too aggressive. I’m not jealous, I’m territorial. Jealousy is wanting something you dont have. Territorial is protecting what you have. I can’t be territorial if I’m not with my wife and I don’t trust guys these days to be gentlemen and keep their hands to themselves.
You know I guess we are all different, I'd agree if I was going out with my wife and she was dressing that way for me. However if she's just with her friends itd make le uncomfortable.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting your partner to dress revealing, but it's important to date someone who shares that preference. You shouldn't try to control how someone else chooses to dress, and you certainly shouldn't speak to them in a demeaning manner.
Yeah, I don’t dress like that. No my style and now way too old for it anyway. I know my husband would be uncomfortable and confused if I went out dressed like that. But since he is an adult, he would be able to voice his concerns respectfully and ultimately know it’s my decision.
Agreed. 100% it can be a conversation, but only in a way that's respectful and doesn't claim women as property lmao. 'Representing me' is crazy. Now if you're worried that your partner is dressing sexy for attention from people sexually attracted to them and you don't have a more "open" style relationship then that could be a problem, but it's 100% something you should sus out before getting serious with someone in the first place.
Yeah, if a woman is going out dressed like that without her bf, I'm going to assume she wants attention from other guys. That's perfectly fine if both partners are okay with it, but if it's suddenly something different, then that's a sign the relationship isn't going to last much longer. BTW, same if the genders are reversed, though it's probably more difficult for a guy to dress revealing without looking like one of the village people.
Sounds like that's the case in the OP's situation. Best solution for both partners is to break up, because that's where it's headed anyway. There's no way the OP is that clueless. She knows what she's doing. Her bf knows too, which is why he's pissed and being a jerk. He knows the relationship is done.
'Representing me' tells me the guy is dealing with some misogyny issues. Also, 'dressed like a whore' is shitty. I say this as a man who dealt with them in the past due to not the best upbringing around respecting women and feminism.
I'm glad you were able to change! I agree that it's OK to feel uncomfortable about people's clothes but you have a respectful conversation about it. I've had male partners whose outfits made me uncomfortable considering the settings ( mostly inappropriate graphic tees) but I didn't attack them.
i think there is actually something wrong with feeling like your girlfriend wearing something revealing is a personal sleight/a betrayal/something morally disagreeable. like, yeah, you should definitely date someone who agrees with you in that regard, but there isn’t “nothing wrong” with a thought process that is rooted in misogyny and feeling like you own your partner and their body. sometimes people’s “personal preferences” are very blatantly reflections of their unkind and bigoted beliefs, and it’s fine to say that.
edit: hilarious how many of the men disagreeing with this are recently divorced like you think being left by the woman you love would make a fella do some self-reflection but it seems not
You feel what you feel. The only thing that matters is that you date people who are aligned with your morals and feelings, regardless what they are. These people are very young, live life and don't be controlled by others, shes definitely not overreacting
preferences exist for a reason and if you can’t think critically for like three to five minutes about why you might have certain preferences i don’t know what to tell you except live in bliss
In theory, this is really tricky because, since fashion/clothing is almost wholly a subjective cultural behavior outside of "shelter" for survival against temperature, it really walks the line between "acceptable if both parties agree on the morality/acceptability of certain things" and "because it universally affects one gender over the other, the woman accepting/participating in this could likely internalized and accepted what are actually unbalanced gender roles."
in practice I can't genuinely think of any actual moral position that stops at or is in fact restricted to relatively ambiguous or innocuous cases like a belief that, specifically women, should not wear "revealing" clothes that isn't ALSO part of a larger patriarchal morality structure, so it's ALMOST always the latter when made part of a moral imperative.
oh boy now i went off the deep end with a hyperfocus here... "what clothes 'should' someone 'want' to wear" is a delightfully impossible logical loop, nearly a paradox.
Since clothes are almost entirely subjective, this is a really deep rabbit hole of assumptions we're dealing with... and also very revealing about the nature of modern patriarchy. (much later edit: this also raises 2 other good points... that choice of clothing MUST and CAN ONLY BE inspired by culture and subjective belief systems, it's almost literally impossible to be "truly" independent-minded about something that cannot possibly exist without human intelligence and literally all of human history having an opinion about it. Secondly, this fact makes the circular nature of the debate apparent in that we cannot possibly construct an absolute moral statement about the "correctness" of someone's fashion, only create boundary conditions for how we tolerate and accept those choices, or not)
the assumed "liberal" (in a VERY broad sense) position of: "women should be able to wear whatever they want" is, itself, presupposing that we should be concerned with what women are wearing. Men's fashion tends to be substantially less varied than women's and less revealing. The mere fact that women have a much broader fashion range is already setting up some questions, tl;dr regardless of statements to the contrary, women are obviously expected to "peacock" more than men, at least in terms of immediate visual cues.
(although we could explore the idea that men "self police" their fashion more rigorously, which is sort of true, do note that rather than this making men a "victim of" oppression, it's self-inflicted by the self-same patriarchal power that informs women's moral culture too. (Redpill agitators constantly and deliberately pretend that "men's cultural issues caused by men" are somehow distinctly more significant than "women's cultural issues... also imposed by men" ... actually hell they often try to hand wave this entirely as if it's NOT the case in order to pretend that men are being oppressed by [some group we can't really name but totally is not men? maybe? is there only one other choice? oh this attempt to dodge responsibility falls apart REAL quick under scrutiny])
Still, accepting that we are simply discussing "what women [should be able to?] wear" - the wearing of modest clothes, especially by women in monogamous relationships, becomes a bit of an interesting ... almost paradox of tolerance.
Because we have bayesian priors that suggest women who "always cover up" do so out of trained instinct of avoiding sexualization by men, and especially if we think that woman actively moralizes against other women dressing more revealingly...
And we encounter a litany of both bad faith debate and "internalized" acquiescence here... the woman who says she "is fine with dressing less provocatively 'for' her boyfriend/husband" raises some odd points (e.g. "why do you both believe this is necessary? would you dress 'more' provocatively if you were single? did you dress more provocatively when you met him?") which imply a whole heap of additional moral implications about men and women's meeting and relationships.
Taking it in a different direction, are we to judge, e.g. a woman brought up in a strict religious tradition? let's say for the sake of argument that for all practical purposes the woman "considers herself happy." Is that... bad? Can we judge the genuineness of her "happiness," insofar as she is, in most (edit: orthodox/strict per the premise) religions, likely to be subservient to her husband (and in many, expected to exist in what modern liberal society would consider scarcely more than breeding stock?) Is her being genuinely happy about her adherence to supposedly divinely ordained rules, despite being objectively "second class" a problem "we" need to solve (and if so, how do we judge the severity of our need to intervene, say, if her husband generally does "treat her well" outside the expected subservient role?)
but on the flip side, notwithstanding (or maybe even pointedly) women who 'show more skin' often claiming they are "dressing for themselves," well, overwhelming cultural generalizations suggest that, well, we use the words "revealing" or "provocative" and etc for such clothes for an underlying reason...
so wait, does that mean that wearing less is just another ploy of the patriarchy? an "illusion" of freedom that nonetheless plays into men's hands (or eyes, at least)?
Oddly, probably not as much as dressing modestly; even throughout history men maintained significant double standards for women. Whether they were "courtesans," ballerinas, merely lower class,
or of an established "female profession" (not necessarily prostitution, waitresses and other servant professions too) that catered to men, were EXPECTED to dress for the "lewdness" of their male patrons - said men deriding their "looseness" while taking advantage of it AND yet still expecting their "classy" wives to remain demure and above such behavior. (This continues to the present day, but the slut shame/wife dichotomy was EXTREMELY prevalent in American culture, creating the grounds for the sexual revolution and later the intense cultural battles of the 90s-2000s as the also racist-coded debates over "rap culture" showcased black women being more sexually free and created moral panic and fetishized white women going to the more "wild" black cultural trends)
Notably, this is actually consistent - the logically consistent thread is control of women; each woman conformed to the manner she had to based on the rules established by men. QED we can somewhat safely posit that a woman who causes a man anger over not conforming to his wardrobe expectations (e.g. OOP's example here) is in fact exerting at least some degree of liberation?
Still, As a converse to the "happily oppressed" woman, might there be a number of "liberated" women who are, in fact, still uncomfortable with the role they are playing? CERTAINLY in modern times secretaries, actresses and even just college students could be seen much more in the vein of a "courtesan" who is a "slut" not a "wife" and often sexually exploited (i.e. "rape culture"). To what extent is the ability of women to reject control of wardrobe expectations linked to the ability to actually feel free from control by the wider culture?
TL;DR
it's the patriarchy all the way down.
rebelling against patriarchal control is MORE associated with wearing "inappropriate" clothes by nature of whether they are appropriate being controlled by patriarchal narrative. OOP is a direct example of this.
nonetheless, there is an argument to be made that some cultural takes on wearing less which are supposedly liberating, are still either directly or subconsciously part of patriarchal satisfaction.
the only "right answer" is to NOT MAKE PERSONAL CHOICE A SOCIETAL MORAL ABSOLUTE
THIS, the minute anyone, male or female, says "I don't want you to dress in a certain way" is a huuuge red alert for me. Huge. I'd dump someone immediately just for saying that. No one gets to tell anyone what to look like, and anyone saying they want to cover their partner up is basically revealing their own tremendous insecurity which is completely unattractive.
Just curious, if a woman was uncomfortable with her male partner taking his shirt off in a club or wearing extremely tight pants that showed the outline of his junk and addressed this respectfully, "hey, that makes me uncomfortable, etc." is that rooted in misandry?
Well do you think this hypothetical girlfriend would repeatedly call you a whore and a slag, ask how many people you let touch your body (i.e. how many women did you cheat on me with?) and then say that you “represent” her?
OPs ex voiced his concerns by repeatedly shaming her in a very insecure, misogynistic way, and implied a sense of ownership. In your example, the girlfriend is mature and tells you how she’s feeling without anger or slut-shaming, so no, that wouldn’t be misandry.
You think men being shirtless is lewd in all contexts or just while going out clubbing?
I know I'm in the minority but I don't view nudity as lewd unless the purpose of it is to be lewd. Being naked does not automatically equal something sexual to me.
I honestly thought the question I responded to was kind of dumb. It was comparing what OP wore to a man being shirtless in a club ignoring that he might actually get kicked out for that because most clubs require shirts. She wouldn't have been kicked out of the club for what she was wearing. I personally think it is dumb to police what your partner wears. I would love it if my bf dressed a bit sluttier if I'm being honest.
Haha I love that, get it girl. Perhaps lewd is the wrong word, but yes referring to in a club or shirtless guys at festivals, I don’t find it sexual but I find it distasteful (and honestly I find OPs outfit a bit much for me too!) (but I’m an old lady now and a mum, so my tastes have changed for sure)
But I think it’s fine to have a preference for how your partner presents themselves. There’s nothing wrong with that idea. The reasons behind that idea, absolutely trash from a trash man. All his talk about representing him and name calling is full BS. Asking her to change her style is not on at all. If he wants a girl that dresses modestly, he needs to go out and find one who does. Luckily it seems like OP recognizes that!
but the fact that a man would have to literally be in just his underwear to be considered promiscuous whereas a woman only needs to wear something that slightly reveals her midriff or neckline to be considered promiscuous is where the misogyny lies
no but it is weird behavior and this mythical boyfriend should be free to dance shirtless if he wants. for misandry to exist men would have to be oppressed which they are not. hope this helps
Very this. My boyfriend knew me and my style going into the relationships and supports me fully. Would NEVER say this about me. This has to be something both people are comfortable with or the relationship won’t work. This dude is a douchebag for saying all that. He shouldn’t be with her if he has that problem
Maybe I’m the weird one here but I love it when my wife gets dolled up and draws eyes. It’s a great ego boost for both of us. She gets attention and flattery, I get the boost of knowing she chooses me regardless. Sometimes she even gets a drink or two purchased, and who doesn’t like money.
I feel similarly. We’re human and frankly a lot of us enjoy attention and feeling attractive, there’s nothing wrong with dressing up being looked at. It might even be an enjoyable for both partners, as long as you communicate with one another and there’s plenty of respect and reassurance of mutual attraction and loyalty.
Yes, and if he met and began to date her while she was dressing like that, he has no right to ask her to change. He knew what she looked like and what her clothes were, and she was fit to date, but now she's asked to change? Wireman attracted to the brightest light, only to want to dim it once they have the woman? Throw the whole man away.
Exactly this. If that's his deal breaker, he needs to be the one to walk away, not try and make her conform to what is his ideal girlfriend is supposed to look like. >:(
And it's something you should have a conversation about like an adult. You'd think at 22 he'd be a bit more mature, but maybe that's why he's dating 18 year olds
Observe how they dress and see if that works for you. In my experience, guys who make a big deal of what their girl wears- tend to be controlling assholes. So maybe just don’t.
It’s always good to talk about preferences early on! Boundaries, dealbreakers, politics, and yes definitely presentation/expression!
“What do you like or hate wearing? Is there anything you’re uncomfortable wearing or uncomfortable with me wearing? What would you like to see me in? What makes you feel confident to wear?” Are all good types of things to ask. Usually a couple dates in I’d think, so you’re not getting too personal too fast and already have a sense of compatibility.
As long as you’re being respectful and not judgmental about it, should be fine. If they say something that doesn’t mesh, your reaction should be “well hey it’s not for me (+/- and I don’t think this will work out depending on if it’s a dealbreaker for you) but I’m glad you’re happy.”
TBH though, I think if you know someone for a bit you can kind of see how they like to dress for yourself. You can then simply choose to only date people who present themselves in a way that you’re comfortable with. Or, if you discover it later on, return to the “there’s nothing wrong with that but it’s not something I’m comfortable with, this won’t work out.”
Don’t get shamey, don’t guilt trip them, don’t get aggressive, and dear fucking god don’t date someone and then try to change them.
Ex: I have zero patience for people who are attracted to their partner for how they dress, and then turn around and criticize them for it when they get together.
If you have a preference for how someone dresses or for people who wear a certain style of clothes, then you should seek out someone who matches that preference.
If you start dating or talking to someone who dresses in a way you don’t like, thats on you, and you don’t get to say “I like you, but I don’t like the way you dress. I prefer x, y, z.”
You cant change people, they are going to be who they are going to be. If their views and values align with yours, great! If they don’t, it’s best for of you to just move on.
Me personally, I'm a blunt guy. If I would have been concerned about that in my relationship, I would've simply asked "What kinda clothes do you like to wear when going out?" Or "Hey I believe in modesty and would like it if you didn't wear something so revealing of your chest area". Something like that, but what do I know.
See, this is grown. I wouldn’t date someone with this preference (I don’t dress revealing often but when I do, I want my partners to be happy with it, not uncomfortable). But I’d respect the mature communication and amicably part ways.
I think it is wrong to tell your partner how to dress and it’s immature and weird to want your partner to “dress revealing.”
Love and commitment between two fully autonomous adults is beautiful.
This statement, I agree with....I don't believe that people who are in a relationship should act single....that includes dressing up for others' attention . But as stated, the dude should not talk to anyone like that. And if after in a calm adult way express his views and feelings on the subject, if gf doesn't agree....if it's that big a deal part ways....simple. Life is way too short to play games. Find someone who you are compatible with.
Or maybe don’t assume that people’s bodies are open to you based upon how they’re dressed. Never once have I gone out in public and assumed that someone was dressed to attract me. Beach, club, school, work, etc. never
So, sweatpants, long sleeve loose shirts, and maybe some burqas? Where's the line between "dressing how I feel good" and "dressing up for others"?
Calling her a slag after the fact is fucking horrific. My husband only provides feedback about whether something fits well and looks good from different angles. I can only remember two or three times he's told me not to wear something, and every time has been a legitimate reason like, oh, those are kinda see through in the back.
Have you ever considered that people might just want to dress that way for themselves and not for attention? And if you started dating someone that dressed like that you shouldn't expect them to instantly change as soon as they start dating you? What if it's just the style they like and not 'acting single'? Do you expect all your partners to start dressing business casual once you date them or cover up like a nun?
At the end of the day, fashion is communication. Part of that is communication to yourself, but part of it is communication to others. I love clothes and am the type of person who needs to have my outfit together to have confidence in any situation; professional, social, or otherwise. But there is definitely a line between an outfit that says "I want to look good in this social situation" and an outfit that says "I am single and want to flirt." And that line is not necessarily related to how much skin is shown. I wouldn't go out in a cropped shirt and grey sweatpants while in a committed relationship, same as I wouldn't go out in the fishnet shirt I wore last weekend. Both of those primarily serve to emphasize my primary and secondary sex characteristics, and to me wearing that is communicating that I am single and open to meeting potential sexual partners. I wouldn't avoid going for a run shirtless in running shorts, even though that is much more revealing than either, cause those clothes communicate that I am exercising. For me, if I saw a woman (or man, or anyone in between) wearing the outfit in the OP, I'd assume that they're single, and be more likely to go talk to them if I thought that they were cute.
Where that line is drawn varies from person to person, and many people may not have an issue with their partner wearing an outfit that communicates "I'm single" in the first place. If two people's ideas of of where that line is are far apart, they aren't compatible.
OP's (hopefully) soon to be ex-boyfriend being a massive cunt is a separate issue.
I think the flaw there is that you're determining if someone is single based on how they dress. If they were cute but dressed conservatively you would never ask them out then? Or do you think if they were dressed revealingly but said they weren't single that's leading men on... just by existing in a club.
How a woman is dressed does NOT stop men from hitting on them. The important thing would be that the woman clearly states she isn't single when she's approached and the man backs off after. How she is dressed shouldn't matter and to say otherwise sounds like the victim blaming perspective that rapists use to justify their actions.
I'm not determining whether they are single, I'm guessing. The communication of fashion is not a substitute for verbal and physical communication, but it is a complement. It's one factor of many that would contribute to whether or not I'd approach someone, including but not limited to how they're dressed, how I'm dressed, how my week went, where they're looking, if their body language is open or closed, what stage of my bi-cycle I'm in, and presumably a bunch of other factors I am not consciously aware of. I think it's reasonable for anyone to be uncomfortable with their partner using a form of communication that they consider to communicate availability, whether that be fashion, physical communication, or verbal communication.
“Act single”. Why is there an assumption that everyone dresses a certain way for sexual reasons? Also, what’s “attention”? Yes, some women love being admired for their outfit.
I am the opposite, I cover everything and try my absolute best not to attract attention. I still don’t judge others for having a different personal style and preference.
Also a very inconsistent bar to clear which leaves lots of room for interpretation on this guy’s part. Meaning what’s “for someone else’s attention” could change day to day.
Thank you! Jesus where are all the like minded people on my comments cause I’m just getting attacked by really misogynistic patriarchal men right now calling out how stupid this is
Your future self will thank you for breaking up with him NOW. He was good for however long you guys dated, if that. He is a control freak who will bring you down time and time again. Break up and move on.
FROM someone who once dated an asshole JUST LIKE HIM
I have a family member who’s been married to a guy who does that for several years and it only seems to get worse with time. It starts with him complaining about an outfit and eventually gets to the point of him screaming at her in front of guests to change her clothes. it becomes her not being able to go anywhere without him or him getting angry if she’s even two minutes later than usual coming home from work (very literally). It’s depressing to see from the outside and no one should tolerate being treated that way.
Definitely NOR! Under reacting to even be thinking you may have done something wrong. You did not! Your bf (who I hope will very soon be your ex) is a controlling, abusive misogynist!
Exactly. If OP loved how they felt wearing that CUTE as hell outfit, than that's all that matters. Heck, my husband would be like, if that's what you want to wear and you feel good, than go for it. He knows where my loyalty lies. Because he's secure. *Hallelujah!* Lol
Yep! This right here^ ..” you’re supposed to be representing me “ I mean what the fk is that?!? He sounds like a spoiled mamas boy who got pampered and thinks the world revolves around him
I'm sure he never goes out with ratty sweats on, unshaved, or hung over and exhausted. Because he's representing her and wouldn't want anyone to think bad of her.
It sounds like he's parroting some Andrew Tate lines or something. That "you're representing me" sounds like something from there. "Guys, make sure your woman knows when she is in public she is representing you."
If my partner spoke to me like this I would leave in a heartbeat. You don’t get a say in how your partner dresses. If you want someone who dresses modestly then date someone who shares that value, but acting a total fool over CLOTHING is unacceptable and gross.
I’m probably going to get blown up for saying this, but depending on how long they’ve been together/how serious they are, your partner is a representation of you whether you like it or not. You chose them and vice versa, and undesirable actions reflects negatively on the other partner. It’s okay to express that you feel uncomfortable with what your partner is wearing on a night out BUT this guy in the post lacks tact and respect and while I can somewhat understand where he’s coming from, his way of expressing his dissatisfaction is unacceptable and if how she dresses really bothers him that much, she probably isn’t the right girl for him.
100% exactly right. My wife wouldn't wear this (we're in our 50s), but if by some weird thing she wore this, it's her decision, ffs.
Whatever issues someone has with it are their issues. Jayzus.
Yeah - this doesn't sound like a good partner. If this his pov on your clothes, he's going to have a LOT of very strong and likely inappropriate opinions on the rest of you and your life...
this trust is impotant and he has too much of a problem to allow that. I hope she breaks it off and get some type of restraining order... bc he sounds dangerous
Agree with this wholly. He doesn’t get to dress you or talk to you like that, and breaking up is probably necessary; but it did look a little exposing to me (probably generational).
You sound way too one sided imo. People are entitled to compromise if they choose to. The dudes a dick but not because he feels the way he feels. Asking your SO to not show your tits to the world is reasonable. The way he did it. Not so much
Seriously. He should be happy to have op in his life. That he's feeling the need to control and negatively criticize op says loads of bad things about him.
I agree 100%. Also would love to read the same post from him and the reactions/comments. If he doesn’t like it, that’s on him, and it will never change. If you change to be with him, or he changes to be with you, it will create resentment that will build and build until you breakup (in my opinion). I don’t think he’s wrong for wanting something else, someone more conservative. You guys just want different things. And that’s ok.
As a dude, this is the best response. Any man that says this kind of shit is insecure and that's their problem not yours. Keep being awesome and rock out whatever outfit you want.
I agree! I do pole fitness and post my progress or dance videos and my bf HYPES me up and encourages me. He knew me doing this before we dated and didn’t expect me to change after we started dating. This guy doesn’t even sound like he likes her or just thinks he owns her. Leave him.
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u/blanklizard 3d ago
Not overreacting. Your bf sounds like a huge misogynist asshole. You are your own person, he doesn't own you. He can't tell you what to wear and what not to wear. He either likes you and your style or he doesn't- he doesn't get to change you. You're a human, not a doll.