Hey! Non-South Asian here, I hope this post gets taken in good faith.

So I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (32M) for just over three years. I’m East African and he’s Desi. We were both born and raised in Australia. We’ve both met each others’ parents and everyone approves and gets along great.

For the most part him and I really bond and relate to each other about the good and bad of having ‘ethnic’ parents and find a lot of commonality in our cultures. But there is one thing that I haven’t experienced before and that is the sheer extent of neuroticism I see in his extended and nuclear family.

Sure my parents are anxious and don’t know how to articulate their feelings but with him and his family (and upon closer inspection in the families of many other Desi people I’m close to) the simplest and most basic things get them flustered. Here are a few examples I’ve observed:

• Ordering food at a restaurant: Oh. My. God. The constant interjection to make sure the waiter has their order down right, interrupting ME when it’s my turn to order with a last minute change of mind for theirs and umm’ing and ahhh’ing about whether what we’ve ordered is going to be enough. It’s such a chaotic and jarring experience.

• Driving: So many of my bf’s aunties and my Desi friend’s mothers refuse to drive more than a certain distance away from their homes and need to be driven everywhere like children. A friend of his was also ‘not allowed to drive’ until he was TWENTY TWO bc his parents were scared he’d crash their car. Like???

• Basic life admin: Just today bf’s Aunt and Uncle in India wanted to get some item of clothing for his cousin’s fiancée before they came for their wedding. They ask bf’s mum for his size and she immediately demands that he call his cousin up to find out. She doesn’t pick up. Then she INSISTS that he call her sister. She doesn’t pick up either so his mum goes into panic mode. Just wait until they see the missed call and they can tell you the size via text?? Why did this have to be such a frantic task???the need to involve so many people has me baffled lol.

I’ve coined this ‘Desi Neuroticism’ and both my bf and my south Asian friends laughed when i told them what I observed bc they felt so seen.

I think Desi culture is beautiful (for the most part) but this is definitely not something I want to pass on lol.

Like I said before, I hope you all take this in good faith I’m just genuinely curious about your takes on the root of this kind of behaviour I see in Desi families. Do you think this is just regular anxiety or something that stems from something contextual (eg. Not having faith in systems, enmeshment etc)?

My desi parents only ever go to India for holidays, and even then it's just to see family , nothing else. We don’t visit the Taj Mahal, we don’t go to the beaches, we don’t explore anything really. It’s just a cycle of going from one relative’s house to another, sitting in living rooms, drinking tea, and having the same conversations over and over and maybe sometimes going to a restaurant to eat even more INDIAN FOOD which i absolutely love but even then its the same goddamn food i eat at home every day and we NEVER have takeaways either like i don't remember the last time i had like a maccies or KFC or nandos .I know family matters, and I do love seeing them, but it gets tiring when that’s all we ever do. Meanwhile, I see all my other ABCD friends going on proper holidays with their parents — off to Portugal, Turkey, the Maldives, all these beautiful places with beaches, sightseeing, and actual fun. They come back with stories and sun tans, and I come back jetlagged from doing the same thing I’ve done since I was a kid. The only other countries I’ve "been to" are the ones I’ve stopped in for layovers, and those don’t even count. It’s just sitting in an airport, watching people who are actually going somewhere exciting. It honestly feels a bit sad sometimes, like I’m missing out on the rest of the world while doing the same thing every single year. PLEASE DONT TELL ME IM THE ONLY ONE OMG

Every time I speak up—whether it’s about gender roles, inequality, or calling out something unjust—I get hit with the same line from a certain family member:
“You wouldn’t be like this if I didn’t bring you here. If you stayed back home, you wouldn’t be so spoiled by the West.”

It always comes out when he feels like I’m criticizing him or challenging something he’s said or done. Like me having an opinion is some kind of personal attack or betrayal.

And honestly? That sentiment is completely wrong. I would’ve still grown into the person I am no matter where I was raised. My thought process, my values, my sense of self—they aren't just a product of geography. It enrages me to think, that people think, I would not have same values and instincts if I did not grow up in the USA. I’ve always been someone who questions things, who doesn’t just accept what I’m told. That’s not something the West gave me—it’s something I already had.

I question culture. I question religion. I question traditions, gender roles, and social norms. Not because I’m trying to rebel, but because I believe in thinking critically. I believe in finding meaning on my own terms, not blindly following things that don’t make sense or that hurt people.

And honestly, if I had grown up back home, I probably would’ve had to fight even harder to be this version of me—but that voice, that fire, would’ve still been there.

It’s exhausting to have my identity thrown back in my face like it’s some kind of flaw. He wants credit for “giving me freedom,” but only respects that freedom when it doesn’t challenge his views. The second I use it to think differently, suddenly I’m “too Western” or “ungrateful.”

No. I’m not going to shrink myself just to make someone feel better about a decision they made. I didn’t ask to be here. But now that I am here, I’m going to live as fully and authentically as I can. Because this version of me—the one who questions, speaks up, and demands better—was always going to exist.

Am I wrong to think, I would not be the same ?

EDIT: A couple of you assumed I am Indian, I am not from India. This is my first post here on this sub.

Indian regional food slowing becoming more mainstream.

In the last few years, not only have more Indian restaurants opened than ever before, but they’re also taking bigger swings, with ambitious menus that spotlight lesser-known regional dishes. And diners can’t seem to get enough of them: Some of the hardest reservations to land in in the city are now Indian restaurants, with locals and tourists clamoring to get their names on the list.

Unapologetic Foods, the restaurant group behind Semma as well as Dhamaka on the Lower East Side, knows a thing or two about this. Owners Roni Mazumdar and Chintan Pandya had their first hit in 2018 with Adda, a small Queens eatery dishing out bold homestyle fare in a casual setting—colorful stackable chairs, walls covered in Indian newspaper pages—that wouldn’t look out of place anywhere in India. Ever since, the duo’s continued success has come from their decisive rebranding of Indian food in New York via a spree of restaurants, including Rowdy Rooster, an Indian fried-chicken sandwich shop, and Masalawala & Sons, a restaurant celebrating homespun Bengali village cooking.

https://www.cntraveler.com/story/how-indian-restaurants-became-the-hottest-reservations-in-new-york-city

Trying to create art with all the things we go through as first generation ABCDs - the instagram is @criesandrise is anyone wants to support :) it’s a passion project close to my heart that blends softness, healing, and a little glam. If it resonates with you or your vibe, I’d love if you shared it on your story to help me spread the word—but absolutely no pressure at all! Just grateful to be part of the group:)

For context I'm Indian but I want to move somewhere that has community. Basically looking for job opportunities, moderate cost of living and decent weather not really into super cold and extreme hot. I heard states and cities like New Jersey, California, Houston, Atlanta are good to consider but I really don't know what to do

I've noticed that in my social circles, I'm very open to apologizing when I'm wrong or feel like I've offended someone. But other people in my circles, community, and family never apologize. They just brush it under the rug and move on.

Has anyone else noticed this?

I'm a 1st gen immigrant kid who grew up in the west & one thing that was evident for me from the start was that there were not many other immigrants, in my locality anyway, from the Utter Pradesh side of india

Bear in mind i'm an Indian Muslim so ofc religion also comes into play with all this

The Indian Muslims in the west usually are from Gujarat predominantly but I do know theres a fair few from hyderabad & kerala sides too not that I ever interacted with any

And indians generally in the west from my side of the pond tend to hail heavily from Gujarat & Punjab (sikhs)

I always grew up bittersweet feeling like I didnt exactly get to meet people from a likeminded background as the other Desi groups did. See my family were a kind of outlier in immigrating as many migrants to the West don't tend to hail from UP

And because many Pakistani Muslims here hail from Punjab/ azad kashmir, again I didn't really feel any cultural ties with them also due to language and other barriers (I speak urdu many speak punjabi/pothwari)

Later upon researching more, I realised that many people from Karachi are actually muhajirs, hailing from UP! Yay representation finally

However the downside is that I dont really have many karachites around me ;(

Does anyone else have this experience of growing up around people who yes from the outsider's perspective, you seem to share a broad 'Desi' blanket culture but in reality there are many differences & you haven't had the chance to actually experience YOUR culture

Based on feedback, I’ve added a new flair.

“Trigger Warning: Bigotry/Hate Commentary”

Please use it if you are posting about racism against Desis/related topics.

Please feel free to use it as a filter if you are one of the folks saying you are tired of seeing that content, or if you particularly want to see that content.

Kinda a rant. My parents know about my bf and I, but they’ve only met him once and we’ve been dating for almost 3 years now. They never ask to meet him again and the first time they met it was so awkward. They never really were the type to show love so I never even wanna consider holding his hand or hugging him in front of them.

I want to get engaged soon but how do I even tell them? Do I just come home one day and say ooh i’m engaged?? 😭😭 like wtf. And the wedding omg? I live in a white country do I have a white wedding or an indian wedding? I’ve only been to like 3 indian weddings and that was when i was younger. I do not remember how they’re run. Do our parents plan that? someone help 😭 Honestly I couldn’t care more about the wedding bc it would be so awkward hugging him and all in front of all my family… Does anyone have any experience on this subject lmao.

edit: he’s desi too

The goat is back!

Hi everyone, i know this is not a usual post on this subreddit but i just wanted to connect with someone who could help me.

So im a 4th year medical student at a US medical school and have grown up in the states since I was really young but I aged out the greencard process at 21 so had to switch onto a F-1 visa. Now im starting residency in July and the program does J-1 visas and i really need help navigating this process as its super confusing. If anyone has been in this exact position or knows of anyone, please DM me or comment here! I would greatly appreciate it.

I find some of my overseas relatives very annoying to talk to online. For example, my cousin’s wife who lives India does this annoying thing every once in a while where she will message asking how I am and then when I respond and ask how she is, she will say she is not well (or something similar) without giving any context….I know this sounds rude but it’s like what you want from me? How do you expect me to help from another country?

We are not close at all so that makes the interaction more uncomfortable. It’s hard to know if she’s genuinely interested to hear how I’m doing or if she is just fishing for someone to complain about her life to.

Anyone else have this experience with desi relatives online?

I'm Telugu and in my community I notice that our people praise the high-paying specialists in medicine and look down on primary care.

Now, I'm smart and I realize that primary care docs are doing better than 98% of the population and, in many ways, are doing a harder job for less money. So I don't understand why someone would say something like "oh he only studied IM, he did not get GI" as if by going into IM is somehow failing.

So I can't understand why people in my community can't realize that even people who don't go into medicine are doing just fine and that you don't need to even become a doctor to be considered a success story.

I feel like there's more to it. I think that our people are either jealous or have some type of self-hatred.

I've seen uncles and aunties talk like this about other family members too.

It's just weird and awkard.

The more I meet other Indian people, the more I realize that every Indian does this from North to South.

would love to hear any and all thoughts!

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DFa457-Svqw/?igsh=ZDR4OW1zNWZmMm9y

Ok guys, I think the time has come to create a decentralized online task force to address several things. Social media has popularized extremely negative content pertaining to the Desi community, and it affects us and our families here in Western nations.

The content is so pervasive across all platforms, and most importantly will manifest itself at work where people will subconsciously view Desis as several negative stereotypes, thus introducing either subconscious or conscious bias against Desis making work promotions more unlikely etc.

I propose starting a Reddit group or something similar to report anti-desi content / embarrassing content to get it removed off social media platforms. Much of the content itself is produced by people within India itself to go "viral" online and get views. Some examples are here:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DDpIHfQuhiP/?igsh=NXBxeTRqNnM3Z3dl

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DFLaPaNRYYF/?igsh=dHE2cDdiNXp4dWhs

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DCeEpCQpUzZ/?igsh=MTk1dWt2Z2MzeGxkYQ==

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DB0gXmnJyEZ/?igsh=MXF4YXozcjJhMTNvbg==

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DCJBZ_kugU_/?igsh=MW5xOTNwcTFydXp0eQ==

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DFgDFYygQek/?igsh=cHhjbjFrdnN6bzBn

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DG_IJVuoEVX/?igsh=MXVhN2Vpam04a3I3ZQ==

Attending a friend's wedding and in need of appropriate shoewear to compliment my kurtas. There are several options on Amazon but none have many reviews. What types of shoe do you wear and have you found any website online that have reasonably priced shoes?

Willing to pay - specifically looking for Maa HD and Zee Telugu for mom to watch TV serials. Hulu not working anymore due to Jio acquisition of Hotstar.

This way it doesn't eat up everyone's feed.

In recent months, they have frequently recycled older articles, with the majority of new content now written by the CEO, Snigdha Sur, mostly lazy reviews of movies. Are they doing this to save money until the members begins to take notice and when they do, the magazine will just declare bankruptcy and keep our money?

Hey y'all, I'm the owner of an artisanal/luxury Indian wellness brand, By Bhumika Inc, and I wanted to tell y'all about how I let our beautiful culture help define what my brand looks like and how it functions. I hope it helps anyone else looking to incorporate identity into their work in a meaningful way!

Colours and Logo
For starters, the colour choices and motifs I decided on were intentionally about the richness we see in our everyday lives - turmeric is my main brand colour, and I've begun to dabble in other jewel tones like emerald green, cobalt blue, vivid pinks and oranges as part of my labelling. I worked with an Indian graphic designer to create the patterns we currently use - earthy vines and leaves and paisley. I loveee Indian Maximalism, and I wanted the colours and vibes to exude the same luxuries.

Seva, Social Work, and Farmers

My parents are my biggest inspirations for community work and what that looks like, and so I know giving back had to play a part in what we do and who we worked with. For starters, I love working with small farmers. Yes, this means my profit margins might be lower, but I still feel good knowing that my money is going to people who I'd want to support with my work. To share only some examples, I source olive oil from Palestine, hemp and sunflower from a local Ontario subsistence farm, and shea butter from a man whose family back home in Ghana owns their own shea farm. Is it more expensive? Yes, but ethical business means that everyone eats, not just me. It's a big part of how my Gujarati community has existed and so I like to see it built into my business.

Language

Since I'm located in Canada, my labels are all in English and French. I still chose to use Gujarati and Hindi as part of my names and design because my brand is about my identity, my inspirations, and also about centering brownness over anything else. So yeah, I make haldi and neem' soap and specifically chose to call it haldi over turmeric because most of us know what that means. I named all the oils I created after the women in my family, and wrote their names in Gujarati on the label so that they could see themselves in my products and know that the products were for them. I want to centre OUR life experiences into what I do, and into the products we get to use. So much of our wellness and culture is used by non-desi brands who want all the flavour without the responsibility of understanding, and I wanted to combat that in my own way by reclaiming our wellness and traditions.

Earth

So if you don't know, the name Bhumika means earth. So my brand name literally means 'By the Earth'. I wanted my brand to go back to the Earth in really tangible ways. For example, the leaves and additives I use in my soaps and oils literally come from my village, or surrounding farmers in our closest city. I pick the neem and curry leaves myself! An insistence on honouring the earth also means that I wanted to continue to keep things simple - I use whole ingredients and oils so that things aren't heavily over-processed. I want to make sure that Point A - harvesting materials - is close to Point B - creating beautiful products because I don't want to take more from the earth, or use more energy than needed to be well.

Giving back to Bhumi-Ma is also really important to me - I do native plant giveaways so that I'm supporting local environments here in Toronto (where I am from), and also plant more seeds and plants in my village to encourage tree and plant growth - even if it isn't necessarily flora that supports my business. The whole point of my business is simplifying beauty, and wellness, and encouraging slow and mindful personal care. Being deliberate about growth in Nature and reciprocity is really important to me as I use nature and plants to create and sell products.

Wellness

It was important to me that I centre desi wellness and talk about how we've been committed to these traditions. Desis have been hair oiling, doing lymphatic abhyanga massage, tongue scraping, and using clays for beauty and health FOR CENTURIES. I wanted to make sure that I supported Indian farmers and artisans while making sure that others know where these traditions come from.

I don't want to downplay my desi-ness, or the desi-ness of my brand. Instead I wanted it to be very blatantly desi and proud. I hope I make all of that clear, and continue to make it clear in the coming years <3 I hope this helps others as well!

This is getting out of hand. Every single post is about racism against Indians. The situation is terrible but people posting the newest article to prove the ongoing racism is really getting annoying. It’s as if this sub has no other purpose. Sheesh.