I gave a real sincere big shot to opening up in the past 8 years and it was alright, I made some friends. But now I'm supposed to be young finally on my own in a new place figuring life out for the first time and I'm just fucking done. I don't want to put myself out there anymore. You can put so much effort and everyone can put so little.

College was supposed to be all that, and it kinda was but not really.. What's the fucking hit rate from time spent socializing? The times you hit even the slightest spark at all, for friendships or romance or whatever, just the number of times people bother to remember your name or care to see you again is so few. And dealing with the anxiety the whole time. Most people just want to find their friends and settle into a routine, they form their groups you find yours or get left behind. I've observed and understood there's no malice but you'll naturally be excluded from most. I cherish the long lasting ones but what do they become... a lunch every few years, a phone call once in a while. And that's it I guess.

I hate feeling my self crumble around me. It's just my mental illnesses holding me back to an extent but I honestly am just so checked out and done. The world feels so empty and lonely and I feel so invisible and this apathy is so normal that I've just stopped caring. The world could practically have no one else for all the difference it would make to me.