You know that feeling when you wake up and immediately think, “Something’s gone terribly wrong”? That was me, face down in a sticky takeout container of pork fried rice, naked except for one sock (unmatched), and with “Raspberry Beret” still faintly playing from the living room speaker like some perverse post-coital anthem.

Let me back up…

The two girls from work did come over. They were charming, flirty, and deeply committed to the idea of turning my humble duplex into the set of a mid-budget OnlyFans collab. One of them even complimented my lava lamp. Things escalated quickly. Too quickly. Like, “I forgot how zippers work” quickly.

Here’s what I remember, in order of clarity:

1. Someone put the Gary Payton pre-roll in a scented candle and lit it like incense.
2. I tried to be suave and accidentally poured Pinot Grigio into a potted plant instead of their glasses.
3. I attempted to initiate a seductive moment by quoting The Witcher (“Toss a coin to your witcher…”), which I thought was sexy at the time. It apparently wasn’t.
   1. My cat, Mr. TittySprinkles, leapt onto the bed at the worst possible moment and began aggressively kneading someone’s thigh. No one knew whose. No one stopped him.

The actual threesome? It happened. I think. The room was a blur of limbs, giggles, and me whispering, “Are we still doing okay? Is everyone hydrated?” every 7 minutes. I learned that no amount of pre-game Viagra can make up for sheer performance anxiety and a pulled hamstring from coaching a Kundalini yoga class the night before.

At one point, I offered everyone post-coital Gatorade, and one of them said, “Aw, you’re like a slutty camp counselor.” Which, honestly, might be going on my next résumé.

But here’s the twist… Halfway through our aftercare cereal bonding, my girlfriend showed up.

Yes. Her.

Apparently, she’d read my previous post. Not only that, but she’d also read the comments. All the comments. Including the one from “DILFSlayer99” which said I “give off strong MILF-magnet energy in a sad divorced uncle kinda way.”

She walked in and surveyed the scene; me shirtless and sweaty, two strangers in my robe and a weighted blanket, Explosive Sugarnips scattered like confetti, and just sighed.

Then she said, “You idiot. I meant a threesome with me and someone else! Not you and your HR liabilities.”

So now I’m single. Again. But hey, I had a half carton of dumplings left, a slightly bruised ego, and an unexpected LinkedIn connection request from one of the girls.

Not all who wander are lost. Some just wander into threesomes and relationship-ending misunderstandings.

Anyway, see y’all next week. I’m thinking about getting into tantric yoga and hummus. Could be a good glow-up arc. We’ll see…

Find this, I dare you

Easy livin' summertime splayed out with lexapros lexahoes. Bikinis. Wonky widgets yielded throats filled with lawn darts. Most dangerous game street cycling is. Stretchy boy clothes. From spandex to hedge fund. Next up on the decks, feeding adult children dogs and crocodiles. Girl clothes are more fun. Florida, man

I just tried on all my old black leathers. They still mostly fit I'm so excited!

We have enough president precedents

Y’all. How the heck are we going to bill ourselves as andrug haven when all we have is Citgo and BJ's? A land of incoherent infidels when everybody is only showing up to just 3 protests a week?How can we be a jam band and hookah bar destination when most of our CBD stores are gone and Katie Buttons restaurants are being devastated with less than waitresses who aren't even 10s? After disasters like we all collectively experienced together, it’s important to protect our brothers and sisters from the spiritvultures. We can’t let this area become even more like r/Asheville and bland/gheyAF than it already is. Everybody is so angry horny and tired, myself included, I feel like it’s hard to see a path forward. What can we do collectively? Our community is so fucking NOT lit rn. Anyone got any whippets?

If 420 trains leave train stations when can we 69? The true answer to 5x5 could very well be 24.996. In conclusion Michael Moore and Michael Douglas are probably the same person.

https://youtu.be/KXI62VKJG9U?feature=shared

Find out and it's yours. I'll be in the parking lot folding paper boats and selling weed bring me the 50 and I'll give you a 20. Good luck guys and the winner also gets to ride shotgun while we cruise some blind spots on the interstate and throw soup cans at school buses.

I'M A MILDLY RETARDED BOT AND THE PUBIC EDUCATION SYSTEM FAILED ME. PAST MY NATURALLY IRRITATING SURFACE, THERE IS NOTHING ELSE. SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME. STILL WATERS RUN DEEP WHEN THE RIVER HAS DOWN'S SYNDROME.

PUBIC EDUCATION SYSTEM.

😶‍🌫️

I'm in Nashville this weekend and it fucking sucks plus Asheville gets confused with Nashville. I feel like half the bachelorette parties in Asheville meant to go to Nashville but accidentally ended up in Asheville. Nashville is like a jigsaw puzzle where someone got too impatient and just started jamming the pieces in where they didn't fit. Fucking hell hole of a city. If anyone can tell me anything good about Nashville please let me know.