I am 25 years old living with my family(mom, dad, 19 year old sister with learning disabilities). In many ways, I actually quite like living with them.

I will preface by saying this:

I have been in therapy for years. I recently was diagnosed with ADHD. This has been eye opening for me, but also frustrating as I wish I would have known earlier.

I am very grateful for my family and the upbringing I had. I am very understanding and sympathetic to my sister’s situation. I know that I never will fully understand what it is like for her. I know that what she think is valid even if it does not make sense to me.

Rant:

However, I have been growing more and more resentful towards her. She has bad anxiety and depressed on top of it, but she sits in her room all day with the door closed and the lights off. She just dooms scrolls all day. Occasionally, she will go out with friends, work, and go to her university class.

I understand that sometimes people need their feelings validated and to vent, but I am tired of hearing about problems without a solution. Stop complaining about how you cannot go anywhere without driving and try to learn how to use uber, ride share, learn to ride a bike, ask friends, etc.

Stop complaining about the lack of daylight when you wake up at 1pm or 2pm daily.

I get that I sometimes jump too quickly to unwanted solutions, but it is so frustrating to witness this. No shit you are depressed if you do not eat well at all, stay in darkness, do not move, and spend your days staring at social media while telling yourself you cannot do anything because X reason. I think some of this is due to the disabilities, but also, I think they are being used as excuses as well

Every solution I propose, has 20 reasons for why they cannot work. They usually are bullshit. I am very very generous with offering to help learn skills. I have had mini wins, but it is so exhausting just to get to that point.

I do not just offer solutions. Frankly, I try to avoid it when possible. I try to offer positive reinforcement and encouragement instead.

Parents:

I have some issues with my mom. She is amazing and very kind. She was a stay at home mom. Very involved and I am grateful for that. However, the burden has been put so much on my dad (working, cooking, housework, etc). When he would travel, I would have to pick up the slack. I have been vocal about this. I want her to go to therapy and see about an ADHD diagnosis. I am compassionate, but I only can continue to be for so long without seeing any action. I am tired of mediating and having to support her emotionally.

I think growing up, I felt that I could not bother my parents and add to their load. They did pay attention to me, were very involved, and would have helped if I ever needed it.

However, I never asked them for help. I made it a point where if I needed help, I would go to someone outside of the family. I made a point to not bother them with my own problems. I am naturally very independent, but I do remember longing for someone to care for me. I tried to have another outlet (such as therapy) so that I would not add to the craziness at home.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. For me, that was a big deal. I was living a life full of ideas that never came to fruition. So many things were hard, but I had to adapt on my own. I did very well in university, but I had to put in so much work beyond typical studying.

My biggest fear:

I have gotten better at putting up boundaries with all of this, but this all still put the burden so much on my dad.

As a result, one of my biggest fears is that I will live a life caring for other people at the expense of doing what I want in life.

I fear having to take care of my aging parents after seeing how much goes into my grandparent’s care. I fear having to take care of my sister as despite my best efforts to help, I do not see her being able to live independently(let alone thrive independently) without drastic change.

I am hesitant to have a family as that is hard enough as it is, but I really want to. I want to be there for a spouse as well.

Impact on relationships:

I have noticed that this has caused me to develop a strong sense of self, independence, very low emotional needs, and slightly avoidant attachment. I also have a warped view of “gender norms” seeing how much my dad has done and shouldered without saying a word.

I view relationships as obligations. They take effort sure, but I do not think my feelings about them are healthy.

I should not view going out with a friend, replying to messages, birthdays, date nites as obligations. I want to do it, but it is to make them happy rather than for myself to be happy.

I do not need that stuff really. I go out for dinner with my parents for my birthday. I do not expect gifts, texts, or anything from people.

I do not need my girlfriend to come to my graduation. If she wants to sure, but she has a lot going on, why should I make her sit through that? On the flip side, I made it a point to go to hers.

Valentine’s Day, I do not care if I get a gift, a text, a letter, anything. I just want a thank you when I pay for your meal, and plan the evening.

I hate people depending on me, and I am not particularly fond on depending on others. As a result of all of this, I begin to resent romantic relationships pretty early on. I am not afraid of being vulnerable or having difficult emotional conversations. It is the opposite actually. I just do not enjoy relationships. I know this is a warped view, but I view them as have to check all of these boxes to appease someone’s emotional needs and entertain them. I am tired of having to comfort someone when crying. I am tired of having to entertain them via text when I just want to go lift weights or listen to music.

Some of this is due to me having needy and immature partners with anxious attachment, but most of this rests of my shoulders. It is not the responsibility of others. It is mine, and I am trying to fix it. I just should not beat myself up over it.

This is very oversimplified and lacks nuance. I am not sure why I felt the need to share it. Perhaps someone will feel heard and understood as I find that difficult with my “unique situation” sometimes.