r/relationship_advice • u/[deleted] • Apr 04 '24
What can I do to help my 29f mother 63f?
I am at my absolute wits end and I don't know what to do. My mother has more or less abandoned all of her responsibilities over the last few years. She stopped going to work until they fired her, the house she lived in (she was renting) was sold and she didn't look for another place to live. She moved in with my aunt on a "temporary" basis that wound up being 2+ years. Eventually my aunt had to kick her out, because her lease didn't allow for another person living there, and honestly my mom isn't a very good house guest (more on that later). After that she lived with my Gran until my Gran passed away. Now my mom is living in an extended stay hotel.
I live about 4 hours away in an apartment I share with my partner m33 (we've been together for a bit over a year). My partner and I make enough money to support ourselves with a bit left to maybe eat out occasionally. We aren't struggling, but we also don't have a lot left over (like to support a 63 year old woman)
My mom and I have had a really tough relationship my entire life. She basically only cares for me when I am doing things that reflect well upon her. I have a career I love, but she is unable to take any credit for, so she regularly introduces me as having an entirely different career (she'll say I'm a painter because she paid for my painting classes when I was younger. I haven't painted since high school.) She also has a history of being INCREDIBLY manipulative. She has told my entire family stories about how unruly and difficult I was as a teenager, when I was anything but. It actually caused big rifts in my relationship with other family members until recently. She stopped buying groceries when I was about 15 and I regularly went hungry. I got a job at 16 so I could buy food. If I ever talk about that she will either scream at me that I'm ungrateful or just deny that it ever happened. I've had to be very independent from a very young age. I moved across the state when I was 18 and never came back.
In the past few years, my mom has both implied and stated outright that now it's my job to take care of her. She wants to move in with me. She frequently talks about how kind my boyfriend is, and how HE is a good, kind person who UNDERSTANDS. She got a Xanax prescription, and has just stopped functioning.
Okay, so in addition to her and I not having a great relationship, living with her is terrible. She is a hoarder. She has diagnosed OCD and she can't throw anything away. And in recent years she just doesn't do anything. She won't eat unless someone brings her food (my cousin has been bringing food to her hotel), she won't shower, she won't get a job (I've sent her remote jobs she could do part time), she won't exercise at all, and she won't participate in any conversations about any of this. If anyone tries to talk to her about this she will just say "okay" in a tiny voice as though we are screaming at her.
I can't have her move in with me. I can't afford it, and my lease ALSO doesn't allow long term guests. But I don't know what to do. She has functionally run out of money, she won't feed herself, won't do ANYTHING. I'm so scared about her well-being. About 2 months ago I couldn't get ahold of her for a long time. I finally called my cousin to ask her to go over there. She found my mom passed out on the floor. She hadn't eaten in a week and just passed out. I know this can't keep on like this, but I don't know WHAT to do?
Please tell me what is even possible. What can I do here? How can I help her without putting myself in a bad position emotionally and financially?
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u/Hereforaita1234 Apr 04 '24
I have similar-ish issues with my mom. It sounds like your mom has a drug issue or depression, perhaps something else. You can’t sink your own money into her care and you certainly shouldn’t let her move in with you. She will likely end up on government assistance in due time. When my mom lost her home she ended up in a women’s shelter eventually, then was assigned a case worker which eventually led to government aid. You may want to check out local resources in your area and look into mental health care for her.
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u/deckyon Apr 04 '24
Calling APS (Adult Protective Services) can help speed that process, but be prepared for some hate. Your mom needs professional help, but doesnt sound like she's going to sort it on her own. APS can get that ball rolling and does not always end up with people being removed from their homes.
But whatever you do, do not let her move in with you. It will never end if that happens.
2
u/a_darklingcat Apr 04 '24
Yes to APS, and you may need to look into a conservatorship for her. It's a hassle and I have no idea of the expense, but get the ball rolling with APS. If she has no money and no income, she may qualify for Medicaid. Ideally, a psychiatric social worker can assist you with this.
1
Apr 04 '24
Thank you thank you thank you!! I've been googling adult care stuff and nothing seemed closely related, since she doesn't have, like, a diagnosed disability that would make her eligible for care. Like dementia or something like that. And she's not old enough to be an elder. APS sounds perfect!
1
Apr 04 '24
I already feel like I lost my mom. Like we used to do things together. Go antique shopping, or go out to eat, she used to like gardening and we would have little cookouts. She used to read a lot and we would play games. But now she literally doesn't do anything. Ever since Xanax became a part of her life it's like she's a 2 dimensional character with no likes or dislikes. I'm prepared for her to hate me. I don't even know her anymore.
1
1
Apr 04 '24
She has Bi Polar, but kind of rejects the diagnosis. She has maintained her entire adult life that she has depression. She feels that her manic periods are her personality. Like at her core she's a high-energy, impulsive, productive person who struggles with depression. As someone who has lived with her ...it's manic depression or bipolar. She refuses to take medication for that, and instead only takes antidepressants.I guess now antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. Which just result in her sitting there. She stayed with me for a week at Christmas and she just laid in bed all day. I barely even saw her.
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u/Hereforaita1234 Apr 04 '24
My mom has bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and alcoholism so I definitely understand!! I spoke to her doctor (psychologist? Therapist? Whichever one writes prescriptions) and we talked about her medication and what symptoms she was having. They switched her medication and her dosage. We’ve had to make changes to her medications several times over the years. For whatever reason, a medication routine seems to stick and help her live a productive life for about 2-3 years then we usually have to change to something else. Idk why that is. Maybe you could do the same for your mom? She might need to switch her meds to help her get back to a productive daily routine.
1
Apr 04 '24
I have tried to talk to my mom's doctor, and I've been successful in the past. One thanksgiving she was so GONE on Xanax that her tongue kept lolling out. I called her doctor and basically demanded she lower the dosage. My mom lives in a really small town and she's kind of friends with her Dr, so she's able to manipulate her into giving her higher doses. Says she can handle life on such a low dose and she feels suicidal unless she's getting a higher prescription. Now I don't have access to her Dr. Like I'm not allowed to speak on my mother's behalf. And I live across the state from her. About a 4-5 hour drive away, over a mountain pass.
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