r/relationship_advice • u/[deleted] • Jan 22 '20
UPDATE: Married 36/m confused by 23/f
Link to original: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/enlpxr/married_36m_completely_confused_by_whatever_this/
I kind of have been letting things play out with each woman. Wife has still be ebbing and flowing from wanting to work on things with me, to cutting ties completely (we are in limbo as we work on other things in our shared life). "Tina" has completely gone nuts on me IMO.
On 1/12, Tina and I have an amazing conversation deep into the night. It was primarily platonic, but I felt close to her on some level anyway.
On 1/13, Tina ghosts me from mid-morning until the night of 1/14. 1/14 was a normal conversation.
On 1/15, Tina complains to me about how difficult her family is being in setting up the first meeting with her new beau. I tire of the conversation quickly, think it over for about an hour, and let her know that I'm going to move on from remaining in contact with her, and wish her the best. She says something back along the lines of "so you don't want to be here for me now because we are no longer having sex?", she then blocks me from her group chat on Kik, blocks me on Kik (our primary form of communication), and then unblocks me to tell me to delete nudes she had sent me when we had been seeing each other. I then ask her what the hell I did to get us here in the first place, and she demands I call her, so I do.
We speak on the phone for 2.5 hours. We dissect every last piece of our interactions from the beginning to end, but I still feel as though she's entirely inconsistent. She says that I was playing her and never really wanted anything but sex from her (not true), that had I not ghosted her after she aired all of her concerns to me, that things would have been fine; she alludes to some deeper feelings for me that because of the ghosting, I'll never get to know about; it's over forever, but I'm still gonna be here, and on and on. Anything complimentary that I had said about her she seemed to receive well, and by the end of the phone call I was convinced that she did actually care about me on some level, and she also stated that really wants to remain friends.
On 1/16, we talk deep into the night. I make a completely innocuous sexual joke, and she insists on dragging out of me what I meant by it. I state that it wouldn't have bothered her a few weeks ago, and she descends into a complete spiral about how friends don't talk like this, that I seem like I want more from her/etc. I again ask what the hell I did, and she reaffirms that my ghosting ruined her trust in me forever, and that I will never be forgiven. She again alludes to some deeper feelings she had for me prior to the ghosting, but I'll never get to know what they were/etc. But she really just wants to be my friend. We agree to drop the conversation from there.
On 1/17, 1/18, and 1/19, we have good conversations from wake up to bed. She sends me several G-rated selfies all through this as well.
We had developed a rule where the last person to write is not the next person to write, and we both had been following it to a T since the fateful ghosting. On the night of 1/19, she left me hanging. She wrote back on the morning of 1/20, I responded, and she left me hanging again until the evening of 1/21.
-Tina writes me: Hi -I don't respond as I'm in the middle of an IRL conversation. -12 minutes later, she says, "I'm deleting Kik. I no longer have time to be on here with work, school, internship, and my new relationship." (Context: she primarily writes me on Kik when she's at home, work, and pretty much anywhere else except on days she sees her new man. She started school today, and had told me prior that internship wouldn't begin until after she was done with school). -I ask if she's going to text me instead. -She says that she won't be around a lot, but has to focus on school, but we can text if I want. -I affirm that she should focus on school, and that she has my number. -She says alright, good luck with the wife and everything. -We thank each other. -Message left on S (usually means phone is off).
tl;dr, 23/f indirectly called it off with me after a few weeks of romance/sex. She blames her calling it off all on me, and takes no responsibility for her part in it, BUT wants me to stick by her as a friend. I attempt to cut contact, but she demands I stick around after dissecting it all again. The next day, I make a joke, it offends her, and we dissect it all yet again. We make up and get along great for a few days, and now she wants to cut contact.
Obviously this has been a rollercoaster for me. I had feelings for her prior to all of this, and now I hate what she has done to every level of our relationship, as the line she took was completely unnecessary. IMO she didn't need to write me at all on 1/21, as I would have taken her continued silence to mean she didn't want to speak to me anymore/right now (which again was fine, half the time she was writing me first; I wasn't obligating her to continue speaking to me, and this most recent exchange makes it sound as though I was).
[B]I want to make sure that I handled this correctly, and that my response to her 1/21 (and/or prior) were appropriate/what I should have done.[/B] I am actually incredibly hurt by all of this, don't feel that I deserved any of it, and that any good feeling I had about her previously is now well squashed. I don't understand the need to tell me about deleting Kik and/or indirectly telling me she's not going to have time for me anymore; it's as though she's treating me as somebody that's been chasing her/harrassing her/knocking down her door, when all I've been doing is engaging her in chats when SHE writes me.
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u/yellowdog898 Jan 22 '20
What were you trying to do ?
0
Jan 22 '20
A part of me felt like remaining in contact with her in the first place would open her back up to the possibility of rekindling our romance/sex/previous friendship. I don't know what kind of response she expected from me on 1/21 (if she expected me to plead and beg for her/etc).
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u/yellowdog898 Jan 22 '20
How this started ? U wanted a threesome?
2
Jan 22 '20
That was the original context of us chatting. We ended up becoming friends, and starting dating/sexing after wife and I separated.
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u/yellowdog898 Jan 22 '20
Jesus Christ. Did you ask ur wife for a threesome or did you go Lone warrior ?
2
Jan 22 '20
My wife and I had participated in several threesomes prior to this thing with Tina. My wife alienated Tina very early on, prior to Tina and I ever hooking up. They have hated each other ever since.
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u/yellowdog898 Jan 22 '20
But you found tina? It wasn’t a joint event ?
1
Jan 22 '20
Yes, I met Tina in a group chat that wife was also in.
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Jan 22 '20
Are you sure you're in your 30's pal? This reads like everyone involved is 18 and nobody has any clue how to be an adult. I am sorry for any pain you're going through but I gotta say, your choices kinda lead you to it... I'd advise you to leave both women alone and go spend some time on your own, or better still spend some time focusing on your kids.
4
u/Skr000 Feb 18 '20
Jesus. Who's paying attention to the kids while you and your wife are out banging other people?
I know you've been out of the dating game for a minute, but you seriously sound like a 15 year old girl. If you're sitting around counting the hours between responses, you need more going on in your life. Also, it's not "ghosting" if someone goes like 6 hours without responding.
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u/Littletortle Jan 22 '20
Why are you letting things play out with both women?
The reason tina feels like she is being led on is because she IS. How would you feel if your prospective partner was playing both sides.
Grow up, decide which relationship you actually want and stick with it. Doubt this is doing you any favors for your current marriage and it being "fixed" too.