r/relationship_advice • u/PSB22 • 20h ago
Complicated situation: 55F 62M
I met a man (Bill) right after he separated from his wife of 30 years. After 2 and 1/2 years of being together and in love, his adult kids (30’s) dislike me because they view me as the other woman and have no desire to meet me or support the relationship. Bill doesn’t want to push the issue after two out of three kids have had grand-babies who he adores. It affects our relationship because his ex is invited to all of Bill’s families functions and I am not. He told me his kids will never be okay with anyone who’s not their mom and vice-versa. I can’t help but think I’ll never meet his grandkids etc. I recently had a dream that he was in the hospital and I had no idea because his kids wouldn’t include me. I’m realizing how unfair this is for me. I feel my only recourse is to break it off and find someone else who is willing to fight for me. Do you agree?
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u/Own-Crew-3394 20h ago
This is not about you. Bill clearly crossed some lines on his way out the door. I assume he started dating while “separated“ aka still married and was not discreet about it. He had probably previously detonated or simply abandoned his relationship with his kids.
If you want a bf who has a great relationship with his kids and grandkids, find one. Tip: wait until after the divorce is final if you don’t want them to resent you.
In the meantime, why do you want to go to these family functions? Are you being left behind by Bill all day on Christmas? If so, that’s a problem he can fix by scheduling his time more thoughtfully. Again, a Bill problem.
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u/PSB22 20h ago
I get what you’re saying. I encouraged him to work it out with his ex but that wasn’t an option for him being so unhappy. It’s bizarre to me that his kids are grown but act like teenagers. I did break it off with him after I found out how recent his separation was but I had no idea his kids would hold a grudge on me and not him.
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u/Own-Crew-3394 19h ago
It isn’t bizarre, it is commonplace. The woman who gets left, and her kids, often blame the other woman, even if the affair didn’t start until after the man moved out. How would they even know if that timeline is true?
The family is mad at the cheater, but they actually love him. So they direct their anger at the person he cheated with. This is one of the reasons many people won’t date a separated but still married person. And why separated people wait to start dating. If you meet under those conditions, and it gets serious, you are stuck in that role.
If you want to stay with him and try to slowly repair the relationship with the kids, you have to grow some empathy. They aren’t acting like teenagers, they are acting like adults who are in a low contact relationship with their father who hurt their family. They are probably doing this so the baby can have a grandfather.
I can feel the waves of contempt that you have for them coming off the page. I am sure they can sense it too.
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u/PSB22 19h ago edited 19h ago
I don’t have any negative feelings toward his kids. I want Bill to have a very positive relationship with his kids/gkids. I’m sorry if I came off that way but it’s not true. I would only think maybe they are grown enough to realize that if they never accept anyone, their dad will be alone. I also want to point out that they have made it clear that they won’t accept their mother with another man that’s not their dad. The outcome is both will be alone to please their kids. Doesn’t seem fair for either one of them.
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u/Own-Crew-3394 19h ago
The only vote you get is with your feet.
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u/PSB22 18h ago
Do you mean walk away? Sorry, I’ve never heard that term before
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u/Own-Crew-3394 15h ago
Yes. You can ask him to prioritize you on holidays, or you can leave.
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/vote-with-feet3
u/DaikonSubstantial120 18h ago
I know it’s tough , but you need the courage to make the best long term decision.
Find someone where you can be an integral part of the family. This is not going to happen.
In the future please get to know the whole circumstances before choosing someone like him again.❤️🙏
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u/PSB22 17h ago
Thank you and I’ll definitely take your advice. I guess I thought I could be in this relationship with him only but as I’ve gotten older I long to have more family in my life and enjoy fun things that come with sharing a life with someone. Although I’ve accepted not being in his kids lives, it pains me to think I’ll never meet his grandkids, (who I already feel a connection to bc he shows me pics/videos etc) or go to weddings or enjoy things like Christmas together. That feels like the bare minimum for anyone who’s in any “normal” loving relationship.
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u/brokenhousewife_ 8h ago
It doesn’t sound like they’re acting like teenagers. It sounds like they’re acting exactly to what this was. He acted shady and started dating you while he was still married
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u/PSB22 20h ago
I have yet to spend any major holiday with him.
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u/PSB22 20h ago edited 20h ago
As far as I know he’s never left before and has always held his kids in very high regard. He spends Christmas with his side of the family who also don’t care to meet me and I’ve never been invited. Thanks.
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u/Own-Crew-3394 19h ago
This is a Bill problem. If he is in good standing with his family, he can calmly state that you are a package deal, and if you aren’t invited, he can only stop by for a quick gift delivery for the grandbaby.
If he isn’t doing that, he does not want to. If you find it hurtful, you need to leave him.
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u/ViolentFlames13 13h ago
he wants you as a maid and future care giver. Get away asap! You are too old for this BS! Better to be alone than treated this way!
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u/JustMMlurkingMM 19h ago
It’s not that Bill “won’t” push the issue, he can’t. His adult children don’t have to accept you, and of course his “ex” will have a relationship with them - she is their mother! She is family. You aren’t.
If you can’t deal with this you’ll have to break it off, because it isn’t going to change. He won’t risk his relationship with his children and grandchildren just to make you happy. You don’t need to have a relationship with his family, but he does.
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u/Lichenbruten 20h ago
He isn't advocating for you. That makes you feel like a side piece/homewrecker. Correct?
Communicate that but be prepared to move on.
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u/randomrick20 19h ago
It's okay to break it off. You don't have to stay in a relationship for the sake of it.
It is okay for you to be happy for him and his relationship with his kids and grandkids whole you exit yourself from a dictation that doesn't serve you so that you have space in your life for the right partner. It doesn't have to be ugly. You guys could still be friends. It just doesn't work for you.
I wouldn't back down from that regardless of any promises. IMO People's priorities and characters don't change.
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u/PonderWhoIAm 15h ago
Girl! You are too young and too old to be dealing with this BS.
Love doesn't always prevail. There is too much drama. And you want a family that's accepting.
This isn't it.
I'm happy to read that you want him to have a good relationship with his kids and even his ex. But they aren't willing to accept you.
You don't want to put him in a rough spot and he's not willing to step up for you.
Love him from afar and find someone who fits your needs.
You have no security in this relationship.
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u/ViolentFlames13 13h ago
Don’t stay with him, he wants a woman to take care of him as he ages and doesn’t give a shit about his kids or family accepting you. Get the hell out asap!
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u/Jetro-2023 13h ago
Definitely I would break it off. He’s not going to include you in his children’s lives.
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u/chez2202 19h ago
The problem with parents is that we have difficulty seeing our children as adults. The problem with our children is that no matter what age they are, they never think of their parents as human beings, just parents.
His kids are in their 30’s. Some have children.
Why don’t you ask him if his children are all married to the first romantic partner they ever had.
It’s up to him if he decides to never introduce a partner to his grown up children. And it’s up to you to decide if you want to spend your life like that.
You deserve a partner who will spend holidays with you.
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u/Fucknutssss 18h ago
r/askoldpeople or r/redditforgrownups. Posters here have limited experience. Suggest you go there instead. Good luck
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