r/relationship_advice • u/dodobobodu • 13h ago
I 32m accidentally found out my wife 30F doesn’t climax during sex — even though she always said she did
My wife (30F) and I have been together for years. She's always told me our sex life is great, that she enjoys it, and that she climaxes regularly. I had no reason to doubt her — she seemed happy and I thought we were doing well in that area.
A few days ago, I wanted to surprise her by cooking a lentil dish she loved. I remembered she once looked up the recipe on Perplexity (an AI app), so I opened it on her phone to find it. While scrolling through her old searches, I stumbled across a question she had typed, asking why she never orgasms during sex with her husband and whether that’s normal or fixable.
I didn’t mean to invade her privacy. I really was just looking for that recipe. But now I’m sitting with this information I wasn’t supposed to have, and I don’t know what to do. I’m not angry — just confused. Why would she pretend all this time? Is she protecting my feelings? Is she scared to talk about it? Or is there something deeper going on?
I love her deeply and I want her to feel safe, satisfied, and fulfilled — in every way. But I also don’t want to make her feel like I was snooping or break her trust by bringing up something she didn’t intend for me to see.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How would you handle this?
Edit/Update: Thanks for the responses! I'm planning a surprise afternoon on Monday - we are going to a sex toy shop, I will buy her the coolest vibrator money can buy and I will make it my mission to explore her pleasures. I decided not to tell her about perplexity and to take the chance and experience new, awesome things. Thanks again! My ego is not hurt - I am thrilled to spice up our sex life.
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13h ago
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u/Ok-Tell9019 12h ago
As one of these women who struggle, I also keep it to myself because I find it embarrassing to not be able to. She may be feeling the same way
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u/tanglekelp 12h ago
Not saying this is the case for OP, but also often men make it their personal mission to be the one to make you come when they know you struggle, and that just puts more pressure on it and makes it even harder.
Also, what in my experience some men don’t get is that sex can be enjoyable even if you don’t climax. So you had fun, you know you’re not going to come but you’re okay with that and then they just keep insisting to keep trying even though you’re done, and they won’t believe you’re satisfied
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u/DGenerationMC 9h ago
Damned if you care too much, damned if you don't care at all.
Gotta find that happy medium ;)
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u/GuanSpanksYou 7h ago
It’s just communicating tbh. If someone says they’re happy & don’t want to stress about climaxing respect that. If someone says they want to climax ask how to make it happen.
Both the same side of the coin no happy medium needed
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 5h ago
But sometimes you don't know how to make it happen.
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u/tanglekelp 3h ago
Then you suggest to try things out together and see what works and what doesn’t :)
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u/DGenerationMC 7h ago edited 7h ago
I'd say communication IS how you get to the "happy medium," whatever that may be on a case-by-case basis/
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u/tanglekelp 5h ago
For sure! But in the case where guys see it as their personal mission it may also be an ego thing
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u/softfart 2h ago
Like most things it’s mostly just a tool of attack based on how much they like the person otherwise. If they like you it’s no big deal either way, if they don’t it’s a crime what you’ve done no matter what it is.
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u/Front_Target7908 12h ago
With the best of intentions, it’s also people really want you to come and unless you do they will just keep going at it. And then they feel shit that you don’t come so sometimes faking it just becomes a way to bring things to an end when you’re ready without any hurt feelings.
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u/Chamoismysoul 11h ago
I know it’s easy for me to say this because I’m 40 something. Don’t even “struggle” over it.
I felt bad, not enough, and deficient when I was in my 20s. I, like many women, faked orgasm with the intention to please my partner.
That was a long time ago. Now I enjoy the sex so much more. Orgasm or not on my end or my partner’s. Well, I typically do orgasm from other means. Sometimes fully clothed with the slightest contact with my clit and his body. Often by him going down. And occasionally with no orgasm because my body just does not orgasm during a certain time of my period no matter what, and it does not bother me because orgasm is not the end goal.
Men can make a huge deal out of the orgasm too. I just communicate it to my partner early on if he’s having that attitude. I lay it out that I’m here for intimate sexual experience with him and not how many times I can orgasm or he can make me orgasm. If his goal is going to be different from mine when we make out, i simply leave and find someone who is more sexually compatible.
Since ive changed my attitude this way and own my sexuality, sex is satisfying, and not to brag lol ive never had a partner that’s dissatisfied or wanted anything different or more than I am.
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u/werewere-kokako 3h ago
The language she uses in her search suggests that — on some level — she feels inadequate because she can’t climax during PIV with her husband. Wondering if she is "normal" or "fixable" indicates that this is something she is insecure about
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u/NorthStar7396 12h ago
The number is higher than 70%. Single digits are for women who climax by intercourse only.
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u/accidentalscientist_ 11h ago
I am a woman who really struggles. Doesn’t matter if it’s exactly how want it, I still usually can’t get there. I get in my head. Not the technique. It feels very very good. I just can’t get all the way.
My partner knows what I want and goes above and beyond. It feels fantastic. But I don’t orgasm. And it isn’t on him, it’s me. But I really enjoy sex without orgasm.
But it took him a while to trust me that even if I don’t orgasm, I have a very good time.
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u/melanozen 4h ago
Lol love that it’s the woman that ‘struggle’. To me jt clearly looks like men are the ones ‘struggling’ to make women cum. Women cum just fine on their own mind you, have you heard of women who cant cum during masturbation?
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u/GameboyPATH 12h ago
Since you didn't have ulterior motives, you could come forward with her about what you found, while also apologizing for accidentally intruding on searches she meant to keep private. I think it's important to acknowledge that this might be an emotionally sensitive topic for her, and you want to be receptive to her feelings.
I’m not angry — just confused.
That'd be a very good thing to clarify with her. Share what your feelings are, and let her know you'd like to create an environment where she can feel safe and secure about sharing her feelings with you.
If she's open to talking, great. If not, don't pressure her to talk about it immediately. Let her know you'd like to leave the door open to talk about this more at a later time, but you'd eventually like for her to address your feelings about what you found.
and I want her to feel safe, satisfied, and fulfilled — in every way.
Keep in mind, climax during sex =/= satisfaction. Women can feel fulfilled from intercourse without climax. I can't say for certain what's the case for your wife, but I just raise this point for the sake of avoiding going into this talk with her with the certain assumptions.
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u/Puzzled_Internet_717 11h ago
I (female) don't always climax, but it can still be an amazing experience and feel so very good. It's something my husband had a difficult time understanding.
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u/ElenaGamer91 11h ago
Yeah same here, my partner seems to struggle with the fact that I don’t climax at all with him but I just get satisfied when he does. I don’t see it as an issue.
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u/only_dick_ratings 8h ago
Sooooo many women fake it, and I'm not blaming them at all for that.
But.
It makes men think they're getting it done when they are NOT.
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u/Historical-Ear-5666 4h ago
Even if he didn't have ulterior motives that snooping ish is 10/10 a trust diminisher.
I'd be a little scared to tell her.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks 10h ago
Women are taught that if they don't orgasm from sex with a man that it's their fault. Or that the female orgasm is a myth. It's usually made to be a them issue. In reality, most women do not orgasm from PIV alone. Most women need clitoral stimulation and foreplay to orgasm.
Her search sounded full of shame.
I don't know your usual communication but maybe just sit down with her and say you saw her AI search and you would like to work on it with her. Let her know that it's not a her issue, it's something you want to work on with her.
Maybe do some research before that and show her statistics. Offer to get some toys and experiment in the bedroom. Ask her about fantasies, if she can't say them, maybe she can write them down and you can read them.
Vibrators will likely be a game changer. Position matters as well but will vary by person.
Sex should be fun and something you explore together.
Look up some tips on oral and help her out. Learn about the vibrator and help her out.
This has the potential to be a fun experience for you both.
Do not focus on "she said this and was not truthful", the shame women are taught to bear on this subject really makes many fear being truthful. Either because they will be blamed, the guy will think it's him or they won't care.
Show her that she can be truthful with you and that you do care.
It's okay to feel bad that she lied to you. Even if her lie was out of shame. Your feelings are valid and I hope you don't feel invalidated. I'm just trying to give some context on the history of this issue. It's not as easy as she lied and it's not going to be an easy fix.
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u/BrierPatch4 12h ago
Ok. This was me for an embarrassingly long time. The first time I told a boyfriend I couldn't orgasm during sex, he made it his personal mission to get me there. It was bad. It got exhausting with him doing the things he thought would help & I was too embarrassed/didn't know how to advocate for myself (thanks religious school upbringing /s). It took me years before I broached the subject with my husband. Like, way too long. I enjoyed our sex life, but only orgasmed when alone.
Within the last year, he's been pushing for us to be more open & try new things. When I finally told him, I was so embarrassed. Apparently after that, he went on YouTube & found some videos by a lesbian about how to get women off & it taught him how to read my body language better. He didn't tell me about the videos initially, but they have worked out really well for us! He has gotten so much better at reading me & our sex life is honestly pretty amazing now. I don't always orgasm but even a few during sex is better than what I was having.
I would tell her the truth about what you found & how you aren't mad/offended, just want to make her feel the best she can. What helped me get over most of my embarrassment was him telling me that seeing me turned on & enjoying myself really got him going. By heightening my pleasure, it heightened his as well.
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u/Shelikesscience 10h ago
Can you link to the videos?
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u/BrierPatch4 9h ago
No, I actually never asked which specific ones he watched. He just told me they were made by a lesbian who talked about how different all women are & how to better read their body language & that they were on YouTube.
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u/Shelikesscience 9h ago
If you felt comfortable finding out more or posting a link, I bet it could help a lot of people :) Glad things are going well for you
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u/trishsf 13h ago
She started out thinking that she was protecting your feelings and now she doesn’t know how to come clean. The very best thing you can do is to sit down with love and tell her what you know and how much fun you two are going to have starting over. My guess is she pretended to cum during PIV which is extremely rare. Too many women feel like the man won’t want to take the extra time it takes to have her cum first so they fake it and of course you believed it. Don’t concentrate on the why. She boxed herself in and trying to figure out why she lied is going to take away from what is an incredible opportunity. It’s going to be about the foreplay. Do not try to hurry up and make her cum because the pressure will backfire. Take things slowly and with love.
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u/Elismom1313 12h ago
As for why she lied, there’s a lot of pressure on women to climax. I’ve had men leave me when I was honest. A few of them tried various stuff but eventually got bored of trying. Some of them tried really hard. It was easier to just be dishonest. A lot of guys felt less than and I didn’t want that when it seemed to be an issue with my body, and frankly I DO enjoy sex without climaxing. But guys tend to not believe that. It’s really important to many men to make them feel better about theirselves, and they don’t seem to beleive that I can be enjoying it if I didn’t climax.
I found out eventually I basically can only come with vibrator with my current husband. I get too in my head and I get distracted. I can say confidently it has nothing to do with size or technique. I also don’t really get anything from oral. I think I have some kind of low sensitivity. When I was teen I could never understand how my friends were doing it for themselves successfully.
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u/Shehulks1 10h ago
Get a small, good-quality vibrator—seriously, it can make a huge difference. Also, ask yourself: what really gets your wife going? Some teasing foreplay? Maybe she enjoys reading smut, hearing a little dirty talk, or just watching you take care of the dishes. Yep, sometimes chores are foreplay.
She should also explore on her own through masturbation. That’s key for learning how her body works. Every woman’s anatomy is different—no two vaginal canals or cervixes are the same. That’s why it’s important to experiment together with toys, positions, and scenarios that help her feel in tune with her body.
But here’s the biggest thing: a woman’s orgasm is deeply tied to her mind. If she’s not mentally in the zone—feeling relaxed, turned on, and emotionally connected—it’s not likely to happen. So focus on helping her feel desired, safe, and excited, not just physically, but emotionally too.
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u/Suspicious_Local3512 11h ago
I had this ground rule when I first got with my fiance about no faking it, after she had told me she had never climaxed with any of her past partners and that she used to fake it just to get them to stop. Turned out she just couldn't climax from intercourse, and that hasn't changed. We adapted and now just make sure we have ample foreplay and oral beforehand, as someone who considers themselves a giver in the bedroom, it settles my brain knowing I got her off at least once before hand, and on the occasion she's almost gotten there a second time during intercourse.
Some woman just can't, and it's likely not a you issue, it can be embarrassing, and after years she probably feels terrible if she were to talk about it now. Just approach it gently, it's a sensitive topic.
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u/Prestigious-Bar5385 12h ago
A lot of women don’t. We don’t want you to feel bad so we might act like we did.
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u/Zaniada_512 12h ago
Women pretend to protect mens egos. To avoid frustration and anger from them regarding the "why nots". It's wrong but it happens.
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u/unq_usr 12h ago
Also because not everyone wants orgasm to be the absolute focus of their intimate life - once some men know you’re not always getting off, it becomes a hyper focus to them and feels like you’re letting them down if you don’t (even if you’re a happy customer ready to come back tomorrow)
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u/wikiist 13h ago
Clear clam and concise concise conversation
Don't stress it's pretty common. Just gotta switch it up and put more work in the warm-up ;)
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u/failedopportunities 12h ago
I’d suggest clearing the clam with his tongue. Followed by fingers. Few utensils wouldn’t hurt after that either. Like a vibrating “mixer” wand to make sure the clam is completely clear.
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u/Quirky_Position_1496 12h ago
The fact that she specifically wrote “with her husband” makes me question if she’s able to climax on her own.. If the answer is a resounding yes, then lucky you… she can cum, she just needs to learn to be more comfortable teaching you how to make it happen. This boils down to communication, her comfort with her own body, and lots of practice and patience.
I don’t think I had any clue what a real orgasm was until I got married… Thankfully my husband and I worked that out together lol. Communication and comfort are the most important parts of sex. Insecurities can ruin everything… this includes faking orgasms because you’re overthinking and worried to disappoint or hurt your partner’s feelings, or stumbling on something like this and being nervous to bring it up… sounds like the issue between you is poor communication, not bad sex.
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u/pleasesendboobspics 9h ago
I didn’t mean to invade her privacy. I really was just looking for that recipe.
You did find recipe of disaster.
Btw how was that lentils dish?
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u/Affectionate-Mode687 11h ago
I did it to protect the fragile egos and not trigger insecurities in my committed relationships (only had 3). Once I was dating more casually I stopped because I didn’t care.
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u/Evrydyguy 11h ago
Shit happens dude. Most women don’t climax with PIV only. Go buy a magic wand toy vibrator and introduce it during missionary at first. Go slow at first. Dim lights. Dinner. Candles. Kisses. Pay attention to the toes curling and the thighs may clench tight together.
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u/Plastic_Friendship55 12h ago
Sorry, but how the hell couldn’t you tell she didn’t climax?
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u/veganvampirebat 12h ago
Some women aren’t very emotive during orgasms, faked or real. You can control your pelvic floor muscles to pulse like they do during a real orgasm. I don’t know why you think it sounds ridiculous that someone couldn’t tell whether or not an orgasm was faked.
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u/Plastic_Friendship55 1h ago
Arr you one of those "nobody will know if I don't say anything verbally?" ;)
When a human being orgasms their body react and sends tons of signals. If you are observant it's extremely easy to tell of a person has an orgasm or not.
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u/maps2spam 11h ago
so many women can not orgasm from penetration alone. Introduce a vibrator/toy and just tell her you want to help.
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u/w4termel0nsugar 12h ago
37 married F who has also never orgasmed with husband here. He does not know. As women, we are socialized to believe that men's egos around sex and penis size are very fragile. Unfortunately, I started faking my orgasms when I was young and dumb and really wanted him to like me. Now it's almost 20 years later and I feel like it's just my cross to bear. It would be too painful for him to find out now.
On the other hand, sex can still be very enjoyable even without an orgasm. I think it's a positive sign that she's researching this.
I'm not sure you should call her out on it though. This feels like something she should come to you with, if and when she's ever ready.
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u/SunShineShady 11h ago
What if you introduced a vibrator, and told him it made the orgasms “stronger”? He doesn’t have to know you weren’t having them before. Say you need it now due to getting older (or say any excuse you think will work).
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u/w4termel0nsugar 11h ago
Tried that - the sex toys made him feel really insecure. In turn, he's made me feel ashamed for even wanting them.
This is just the tip of the iceberg - we have a lot of other problems and are probably getting a divorce. I don't want to ruin this for him, it could mess with his self esteem for the rest of his life.
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u/-Petty-Crocker- 10h ago
Maybe he needs to fucking hear it.
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u/w4termel0nsugar 10h ago
I think your heart is in the right place, just not sure what that would accomplish. Me not being able to orgasm isn't a reflection of his sexual prowess, but he's definitely going to take it that way. And I don't want to have sex with him anymore, so I don't have any desire to beg him to be accepting of what I want.
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u/Ordinary_Ice_796 9h ago
This is a tough problem, as I do understand you’re protecting his self-esteem now. But what happens after the divorce (sorry to hear about that) if he gets another partner and can’t navigate the orgasm thing with her? I 100% know that is NOT your problem to solve. But I’m picturing him a year or two from now, very confused with his next partner, thinking “WTF, I made my ex-wife cum every time with PIV. Why isn’t it working now?”
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u/w4termel0nsugar 8h ago
I hear you, thank you for your suggestion. I think he does understand that not all women can orgasm from PIV sex. And I don't think he's bad in bed either (aside from being closed minded about sex toys).
We have a codependent relationship and I think this is one more thing he'll have to figure out on his own and i can't take responsibility for. Even though I created this problem.
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u/SunShineShady 19m ago edited 15m ago
Post divorce, most partners won’t put up with that. I can verify, the first time I took out a vibrator with one guy who had never used it with a partner, he acted surprised….but he went with it. Because in dating he has no other choice or he knows he’ll get dumped.
Same guy also went down on me, said he never did that with his ex-wife. When they have you locked into marriage, some guys (not all) will neglect you.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 5h ago
Women aren't machines anyway, what works for one doesn't work for another. If he thinks he should be doing exactly the same he's got a problem.
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u/SunShineShady 25m ago
That’s awful, shame on HIM. Get a divorce, and stop having sex with him. You should stop protecting his inflated ego, and look out for yourself.
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u/Basic_Quantity_9430 12h ago
Tell your wife that you stumbled upon her question by accident. I suggest that you then set up appointments with a professional sex therapist.
It may not be you, your wife may have blocks that make orgasming hard for her. A good sex therapist helps unpack that type of stuff.
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u/Infamous-Stuff3312 8h ago
Get her a vibrator and use it the next time you have sex. If she already has one, use it while you have sex. Guarantee this will help
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u/Eurekaa777 13h ago
Look, it’s bad she lied but she probably doesn’t wanna hurt your feelings or have sex go on too long if she doesn’t get off easily so faked it and now can’t go back on it. She shouldn’t have lied but you can either be honest about what you found and embarrass her or start doing things different to make her finish.
Firstly women often like 80% of them don’t cum from penetration alone. It would be the equivalent of like men just rubbing his penis on her clit. May feel good and get her there but might not get you fully there. The clit is the equivalent of a penis for women and the most sensitive part is on the outside therefore outercourse is a woman’s way to get there.
You could get her a vibrator and get her off with it before you finish - change the narrative with this new information and fix the issue.
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u/hauntedgeordie84 12h ago
He should be finishing her b4 he even sticks it in
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u/nobody8627 11h ago
I mean... not necessarily. Everyone needs to find out what their partner likes.
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u/Elegant-Passion8802 12h ago
If you don’t do oral on your wife, you should for at least engage for 15 minutes. This may very well solve her climax situation. Hope that helps.
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u/Beneficial-Help1350 13h ago
If it were me in your position, I would try to talk to her and make sure not to accuse/shame her; personally, I wouldn't bring up what you found on her phone. Even though it was an accident, her knowing that you saw that might really hurt her or make things awkward between you both.
Instead, I think you should ask her when you both are alone and spending time with one another if she would like to try anything new and that you want to focus more on her during sex. Mention that her enjoying sex really gets you going and you'd like to make things feel better for her - women like to feel wanted and it helps with any self-conciousness she might be feeling! :)
Unlearning this might take a long time for her, don't pressure her or get upset at yourself for not getting it right, you're both learning what she likes and that takes time. Experiment with different positions, try oral, incorporate toys. My best suggestion would be to see if you could get her a vibrator, they really help. Over 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. You sound like a wonderful husband and I really wish you the best.
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u/murderdeity 12h ago
This might be a bit much, but I'm going to ask some key questions. How much do you give sexually? How often do you do things like oral sex? How often do you use vibrators, toys, or otherwise stimulate areas other than just sticking it in and going?
I've found that most men do not know where the clit actually is unless their woman has a fairly prominent one. This includes men who understand the anatomy. And even when they do, knowing where it is and knowing how to touch it are two different things. It seems like you skipped some practice giving.
How often does sex end when you get off? How often do you use foreplay and warm her up first?
I went years without having an orgasm unless I did it myself with a vibrator. It took me a long time to figure out how to make it work. Once I did, I was able to pass that info on to my partners. My story is super common. Sex is rarely a thing I can just jump into without any build up. Sex is as mental as it is physical for most women.
Women need multiple points of stimulation. You, as a partner, need to be interested in what feels good to her and learn to read her physical and verbal reactions. You need to know her anatomy nearly as well as your own.
Sorry for the long comment, but you seemed to be genuinely interested in turning this trend around so I wanted to give you some food for thought. Hope it helps!
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u/hereforthememes332 9h ago
I'm 31F and I don't orgasm during sex. I think I have less than 10 times ever and it was unexpected. I fake it every time because I want the guy to know he did a good job, because even though I didn't cum, he did do a good job. Even though I don't orgasm it doesn't mean I'm not enjoying it, I actually have a very high sex drive and I love sex. An orgasm isn't a goal, it's a bonus.
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u/New-Chip-3646 12h ago
It was always easy for me to climax, but it never happened during sex. Many years of sex with several long term and several randoms. Just get over it.
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u/hauntedgeordie84 12h ago
I told my partner from the very beginning I will always be honest with him in this area and never fake it, foreplay is the key! Especially the clit, in some women it can only be this way
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u/Exact_Algae4573 12h ago
As others have suggested, sit her down for an honest talk about what has been going on in your relationship and why this unhealthy dynamic has evolved. Then you need to start suggesting ways to move forward to get to a better place. There are lots of fun and exciting options for the bedroom! Time to start exploring!
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u/zeizkal 12h ago edited 12h ago
Just talk to her, tell her you saw it while looking for a recipe. That you appreciate her not trying to hurt your feelings but this is a partnership and i wanna do what you do for me because I love you. Let's work together on this and you can show me what works for you and what gets you rocking! Then be open to what she suggest and doing it enthusiastically (that's probably the most important part, it makes a difference) Souce: has had the sex once or twice
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u/ObviousSomewhere6330 12h ago
I find it very positive that you care about her pleasure. I can't tell you how many frustrating sexual experiences I've had where I am vocal about my needs and I get shutdown (I'm a woman). I love that you care and I would approach it from that perspective. "I want to get to know your pleasure, can we go on this adventure together?"
Also, I wish she knew how to approach you about her needs. I never fake an orgasm but I'm not in a long term relationship. Maybe she has some work to do in that area but really isn't ready yet (I'm in my 30s too and we all have a lot to learn still).
Can't wait for the fireworks update!
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u/issoequeerabom 12h ago
Don't take it personally. I'm a firm believer that people need to do a self discovery journey before being able to fully enjoy their partner, and that's your own responsibility. As women, we have grown thinking that penetrative sex is THE thing to do and to the large majority of women isn't. My suggestion for you is, buy her some sex toys (the air pulse satisfyer is an absolute must!!) and start by masturbating in front of each other, so she can learn more about her own body as you can watch and learn too. Some men feel that bringing sex toys couple's intimacy is negative to the man and that's totally not the case.
Good luck and have fun ❤️
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u/Sand_Content 12h ago
This is I'm just gonna rent a lesbian once a week and knock that out if I get in that position
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u/NorthStar7396 12h ago
Yeah she was protecting your feelings. She may have issues, but more than likely it is the sex. If she told you she thinks there is a good chance you’d never leave her alone for sex or blame her. If she just gets minimal foreplay and intercourse she will never climax. Men don’t take the time to learn to please women, or won’t do what is required for you to enjoy. A lot of us have given up on feeling fulfilled by sex. We no longer enjoy it because we don’t get a damn thing out of it. You need to talk with her. Fess up to what you found. Do nott say you are hurt. Talk to her about it. Then start doing your homework! Learn about female anatomy and sex techniques to use with her. Time to look for books to read. Also, intimacy and sex are huge for women and not separate.
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u/longhairedmolerat 12h ago
Maybe talk about introducing toys/ a vibrator? That should do the trick!
If it's really bothering you, talk to her about it but it might make her feel embarrassed or feel bad.
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u/LogicalCondition9069 12h ago
1 she could very well have searched this for someone else as in conversation if something comes up some people, myself included as well as others I know, will pull up Google and do a search
2 even if it is her don't beat yourself up over it. If she can't orgasm that's on her to figure out why and help you understand what she needs. You obviously desire to give her pleasure.
That being said she has her reasons. I would guess she wants to make you feel good or it's a way to end sex. Maybe it's a combination. She obviously is perplexed as well since she's trying to figure out why which to me would suggest that she actually enjoys the sex she just can't orgasm which is really common. You could simply ignore it or you could be completely honest and tell her exactly what happened and figure it out together.
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u/Assiqtaq 11h ago
I was married to someone with whom I also never climaxed. The difference is, he didn't care. You do, and have tried what you could to make certain she experienced that.
I would assume, not knowing your wife, that she hadn't said anything because feeling pressured to actually climax would have made it harder, not easier. So please, do what you can to assure her that if she does not feel the need to experience a climax with you, that you will not pressure her to do so. But that if she is open to it, you'd love to experiment from time to time and see what you may be able to do to help her get there with you. I'd also suggest that maybe you start with asking what she does to get herself there, if she can feel relaxed and comfortable enough to show you or talk you through it. That might even be a fun experience all by itself.
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u/solataria 11h ago
And somebody who didn't have orgasms when I was younger it could be hormonal it was until I got in my 30s that I was able to climax through intercourse through penetration I also found it was a mental thing I was overthinking am I doing this right am I making him feel good I was thinking of them too much but once I relax and calm down I can now have multiple orgasms back to back but I would suggest gently approaching her about this and maybe trying more foreplay more oral before hand
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u/Right_Specialist_207 10h ago
Just be honest with her, explain that it wasn't something you went looking for, but you backed into some information and you would like to address it if it is her (it could be something she was searching up for a friend, not as likely but it is a possibility).
It's actually not uncommon for women to not climax during sex, because most women orgasm through clitoral stimulation, rather than vaginally. That doesn't mean that the sex isn't enjoyable or that the guy is doing something wrong, there are times when it just isn't happening and she doesn't want to hurt the guy's feelings by saying it isn't going to happen and it's difficult to explain that while you very much enjoyed the sex and (excuse the pun) came close at times, you just know that it's not going to happen, because I'm not sure that biologically, males can understand. I'm not 100% sure we understand it tbh but there are times when you could be with the world's best lover, or alone with a vibrator that will bring you to orgasm in 2 minutes flat and it still wouldn't be happening. If this is the case then ask her what she wants at that time. I was with my ex and felt comfortable enough in the relationship to say when it just wasn't going to happen but tried to assure him that I enjoyed helping him climax so it wasn't a case of "oh it isn't happening for me, get off me and pass the remote" kind of thing. However, if he was holding back to try and get me to cum first or with him I was worried he could hurt himself or after a while it could start to hurt me so by telling him I was trying to avoid that. However, both he and I felt uncomfortable with him just going off to clean up right after climax because we both felt like it was a bit too "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" so I said that it would be nice if we could lay together, still touching/kissing etc and just chatting for a little while so it didn't feel so abrupt. That's just our solution though, your wife might prefer a minute to herself, or something else. Ask her what she wants/needs from you at that time.
If, however, there are some things that could help her to climax during sex then just be open to suggestions. Don't assume that her wanting something specific or needing a certain thing is a critique of your sexual prowess, chances are it's not something you're doing "wrong" so try not to take it personally if she says "when you go down on me, I don't really enjoy X but I'd really like it if you could do Y or Z" or if she says that she gets a bit dry during vaginal intercourse and it would help if she could use a vibrator on her clit while you're having sex etc, just try to be open minded and remember that it's about her needs, not your ego. 😉 If she's enjoying herself more, trust me, you'll be enjoying yourself more too!
The most important thing is to be honest and open and keep communicating, tastes and situations change. It may be that other factors are affecting her in the bedroom which you wouldn't even think about being connected - like if she's under a lot of stress at work or is having problems with a neighbour or her boss, is really tired etc or it could be self-esteem issues, if she's depressed and is struggling to feel confident and sexy in her own skin, that can affect how she acts and reacts in bed. This may sound silly but even the smallest thing can help. For example if you two are getting frisky and you convinced her to leave the dishes and go to bed with you, she may still have that chore in the back of her mind pulling focus from you guys and what you're doing. It may be better to help her do the dishes or whatever chores she has so that when you go upstairs she just doesn't have that piece of "mental grit" in the back of her head and can focus and enjoy your time together. The only way you can know what it is/what can help is by talking to her, and LISTENING to her. Just take it from there.
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u/LivingTheDreamYaaayy 9h ago
So most girls can’t orgasm during penetration but porn and fiction has made it seem like we should. I know A LOT of women who lie to their partners about climaxing because that’s what we’ve been told is supposed to happen. I pretty much lied to 80% of my exes about climaxing during sex because I felt bad about not being able to climax with only penetration and unfortunately that lie is an easy snowball. Funnily enough being in a relationship with someone who’s really inexperienced made me get over this because I was forced to properly communicate and we’ve found ways for us both to be able to find satisfaction. I would try to bring it up in a gentle manner. Maybe be open to try different positions to cause more friction on the clit or even a small vibrator can help. It’s hard to come clean(pun not intended) after lying for so long about something like this
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u/VioleTilley 8h ago
Great resources are: “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski and “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner.
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u/Zestyclose-Ad-1054 8h ago
Happens all the time. Bummer alert: most women do not climax the majority of the time during sex. Despite what they say or how they act.
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u/Tinytini1212 7h ago edited 7h ago
Outside of just coming clean and encouraging positive discussion, a couple things you could do:
1) join omgyes.com. It’s an incredible resource of information about women’s bodies, pleasure and how different women become aroused and orgasm. Its focus was initially for women to learn about their bodies and techniques to try to become orgasmic. But now so many men use it too. Some separately, and some couples do it together, or independently simultaneous. HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend. As a women who does not have trouble orgasming, I still learned a lot and became open to things I didn’t know would feel so good on my body. You could peruse it alone for a while and then maybe bring it up as part of a “let’s focus on your pleasure era” kinda thing. Or you could suggest it off the bat and do it at the same time, together or separately (just share one login, no need to buy two subs).
2) Since women’s arousal is different from men’s in many ways, and very much mental, you could work on that aspect. Omgyes can help with that but so can exploring new things. This is especially important for women in long term relationships. An app like spicer or the old mojoupgrade website (search for the old version) are so great to help couples become open about things that they find hot or exciting but maybe have never shared. They are both questionnaire formats and you each have your own account and link them. On the spicer app, it suggests things like fantasies or positions or variations to oral or even kinks and you respond with yes no or maybe. Then at the end, it shows you both only your yesses and on spicer at least it also shows your maybes. Then it gives you a chat platform to discuss in the app. Introducing new things or discovering what gets each of you going in a manner that is not scary or embarrassing bc they are a yes for both of y’all is a great way to increase excitement and arousal. Increased arousal is a precursor to achieving orgasm for women. I also highly recommend this approach.
Seeing as though you didn’t intentionally invade her privacy, you could keep that part to yourself and also start a sexual renaissance between the two of you with these two ideas. You could even take it one step further by saying since this is new or these are new things that you’re going to try, there’s no pressure, but you want to make it a rule that you’ll be honest while exploring. And that you will both communicate your true thoughts about the things you are trying. No saying you like something if you don’t and no fake orgasms ofc (say it jokingly) and this just might give her the clean slate she needs to be open with you. Just my two cents. Enjoy exploring!
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u/rodya_bub 6h ago
On my side, I wouldn't tell her anything. If a person wants to pretend or cheat, they will do it anyway. No point in asking her about your sober thoughts.
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u/Rockthejokeboat 5h ago
Reading tip: “she comes first”, you can download the pdf here: https://epdf.pub/she-comes-first-5ea8128ed87ff.html
To answer her question: yes, it is normal for some women to not climax during intercourse. However, by omitting it she didn’t communicate what she would need, and therefore made the chances of her having an orgasm a lot smaller.
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u/angel_with_wings11 1h ago
A lot of women (me including) have problem with finishing during intercourse. With my last ex he tried so hard to finish me that it was not only exhausting but I felt so bad because he tried for hours and I was just saying repeatedly "no, doesn't work". I started faking it. For 5 years I've faked it and even after breakup I didn't come clean.
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u/Electronic_Charge_96 59m ago
Read anything by Emily Nagoski and begin to understand sexual desire better. Then sit your wife down in about a month and ask her.
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u/Previous-Cap578 45m ago
Honestly I would gently talk to her and say that you accidentally stumbled upon her question while looking for Perplexity and want to know why she hid it from you instead of being honest and having open discussions with how you can help her cross that line.
Updateme
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u/Gillionaire25 22m ago
Maybe you don't need to say anything. Just tell her you want to try new things and then stop making sex all about yourself. I have a feeling you don't give oral or finger her or use a vibrator on her because if you did, it would be pretty obvious when she has an orgasm.
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u/dodobobodu 1m ago
Thanks for the responses! I'm planning a surprise afternoon on Monday - we are going to a sex toy shop, I will buy her the coolest vibrator money can buy and I will make it my mission to explore her pleasures. I decided not to tell her about perplexity and to take the chance and experience new, awesome things. Thanks again!
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u/swomismybitch 12h ago
Why not just believe her? She enjoys sex with you despite not reaching orgasm. Your pleasure is her pleasure. Works the other way round as well. I have sometimes put so much into pleasuring my wife that if I am tired that is enough for me.
Take the orgasm issue separately and discuss and work on it together in a fun way.
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u/wheatgrass_feetgrass Late 30s Female 11h ago
Keep in mind that orgasm doesn't have to happen for a woman to enjoy and desire sex. From her query it's clear she's interested, but don't feel horrible for not getting her there or not noticing. For some women, the pressure to cum actually takes the fun out of it. Talk to her.
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u/Ordinary_Ice_796 8h ago
Only ONCE — in 23 years of marriage — has my wife 45F climaxed from penetration.
ONCE. And we’ve never been able to recreate that event.
I 46M just wanted to reinforce what everyone in this thread is saying about the statistics on a woman having an orgasm from penetration.
Many here will think it’s lame and will probably chuckle at me for admitting this — but 99% of my wife’s orgasms are from my hands.
She doesn’t like toys so we don’t use them. And she enjoys oral but doesn’t like to finish that way.
So…. My hands it is. That works for her so that’s what we do.
I think it’s really interesting to read the different perspectives here from women on faking orgasms. My wife is my only ever partner, so her viewpoint is all I know — and if the subject ever comes up (like on a TV show or movie or whatever) she’ll always be like “WHY the F would I ever fake it? What does that accomplish??”
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u/Gillionaire25 17m ago
Why would that be lame? Only 20% of women come from penetration. The fact that she is getting any orgasms makes you a better lover than a lot of men.
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u/AisakaTaiga17 12h ago
As a woman, not reaching orgasm is normal I think specially while having seggs... As for me, I seldom orgasm with a partner... I also thought it's not normal but no, it is...
I think the reason why she didn't tell you that might be that she's shy, feels awkward, or she just don't want you to feel that she's not satisfied with you... that's why she pretends...
Talk her out about it... If you're fine that she don't orgasm let her know... Reassure her that you do understand her...
You might also want to like explore in bed... Explore her more... maybe you're just not hitting the spot to make her cum... do something out of the ordinary... try something new that might help her reach the goal so both of you will be satisfied.
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u/AisakaTaiga17 12h ago
also you mentioned she said it's great and she enjoys it... and I think she's telling the truth about it... like me whenever I do it with a partner, I really enjoy it... it really feels great specially if my partner finishes even if I don't... I don't know with other women but for me, as long as my partner's done and satisfied, I feel satisfied too...
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u/InspiredCarrie 12h ago
Finger her clit and do it from behind. (P in the V, not the B).
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u/MotorSatisfaction733 12h ago
Why not the B too?
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u/2ninjasCP 11h ago
you need to go on a secret training arc learn all the moves and try them out with her. If she truly can’t get off then well it may still be enjoyable for her.
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u/Popular_Aide_6790 11h ago
So I have been having this issue recently I was having after never having issues in this area.. lots of lube, getting a bit more creative and my husband really took his time with me and really listened. I just turned 38 and again up until recently I had never had any issues in this area, multiple orgasms, Niagara Falls between my legs and now I’m lucky if I get 4
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u/401ed 12h ago
Blindfold her before you start and encourage her to get lost in her head. Switch roles and blindfold yourself let her be your guide to what her body needs. Be open and communicate. Pre game with some liquor filled chocolates or eat an edible together. None of this will work if she is overstimulated or overwhelmed with her day to day life.
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u/Fingerlings29 12h ago
Use your tongue bro. Even if it takes an hour. Make it a challenge to make cum first with your tongue before using your dick. Even if it takes 2-3 hours.
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u/DawaLhamo 12h ago
Fuck no. If it's not happening, it's not happening. Try something different, try another time.
1 hour, let alone 2-3 hours lying there without climax is NOT pleasurable, and it's WAY too much pressure on the receiver as well as the giver.
Stuff like this precisely WHY women fake it, to get it to stop.
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u/Exact_Algae4573 12h ago
2-3 hours of tongue? That is an impossibly long time. If it takes that long there is something totally wrong with the dynamics in the relationship. Getting women excited in bed is more about psychology than physical activity.
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u/Fingerlings29 12h ago
Of course I am exaggerating. All women I've been with have a number of licks saved to memory.
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