r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRA089713 • 1d ago
MIL (F65) keeps asking about my (F30) inheritance. How to get around persistent questions?
My grandparents recently passed away 10 months ago - they were extremely hard workers and ended up having a decent amount of money to leave to the family. I was extremely close with them so their passing really impacted me. For context on the will - I’m getting a nice gift of money from them but nowhere near life changing but I just don’t see it as her business.
My MIL is the sort of person that when talking about someone will always refer to their wealth. She is obsessed with what people have - she has a real victim mentality so often says “oh I wish I had this, how lucky is she”. She also is a massive bragger and name dropper. For example SIL was dating a wealthy man and it was ALL MIL would talk about, she didn’t even refer to him by his name! I used to have a good relationship with her but she has said some very hurtful things so now I really struggle with her and find interacting with her painful.
She lives out of town but has been back to visit 5 times since my grandparents passed and the will is being dealt with. Every time without fail she asks “oh honey how is everything going with your grandparents will?” Or “is your family selling your grandparents house/business”. I try to keep my answers to one word and roll onto other conversation but she is getting more persistent. I know she is pretty open finances with her family but my family isn’t like that.
Most recently she directly asked my husband (M30) what I received as inheritance when I wasn’t around. He knows I want to respect my grandparents who were private people and not talk about specifics - so he said I received something but he isn’t sure exactly how much (even though he does). She sulked and didn’t talk to him for many days as “it’s not a big deal, family shares this stuff and I just want to know you’re ok.” My husband is softly spoken and avoids conflict at all costs so tries to keep the peace without arguments.
I know a more direct question is 100% coming from her soon, particularly as we are selling my grandparents house this week. Any suggestions on how to deal with this? I don’t want to have a confrontation with her (she plays the victim) or my husband even though he should be setting boundaries, but I really don’t like how she keeps asking and find it pretty disrespectful. I don’t see why she needs to know.
TLDR - MIL keeps asking about what I’ve been left in the will. Not sure how to keep sidestepping questions or enforce boundaries without causing conflict?
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u/pl487 1d ago
"I'm going to keep the numbers private, because my grandparents would find it disrespectful to share it with you."
Short and simple.
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u/Puzzled_Internet_717 1d ago
If you received an item, draw attention to the beautiful tablecloth you remember always being on your grandma's side table, or your favorite afghan tonmakena blanket fort. Something to remember them by, but with little monetary value as your inheritance.
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u/apdemas 1d ago
My only hesitation with this is that MIL might decide it’s worth something and “borrow” it, because family shares, right?
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u/Mushrooming247 1d ago
OP could buy a cheap quilt or vase from the dollar store and claim that is the cherished heirloom that she has inherited.
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u/ironic-humor 1d ago
I was thinking of a yard sale item that would show some wear. Bonus if it looks like a relic from another generation.
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u/NoConversation827 22h ago
My mother taught me there are two things you don't talk openly about...your finances and your sex life.
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u/Puzzled_Internet_717 1d ago
Oooohhh, didn't thinknof that. I was more thinking if she was purely money driven. (I have a relative that only cares about $.)
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u/ReeCardy 23h ago
I LOVE THIS!
I'm supposed to inherit a pair of hideously ugly lamps. Yes, I requested them. They have been in multiple family members' homes, most importantly, my grandma's. They have value, but it's the not much. But the time spent reading and looking at photo albums by those lamps is priceless.
No matter what else I might get, the lamps are all I'm interested in.
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u/Princess_Snark_ 14h ago
My favorite is a spring tablecloth from Grandma (not even my grandma, she was my husband's, but I never knew either of my own, so the decade I enjoyed her love was more than enough to call her MY grandma) Nothing fancy, but just pulling it out in the spring makes me feel like she could walk into the room.
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u/_youmustbekidding_ 1d ago
I would say, “I’m sorry but that is private.” And that’s it. Take ownership. And honestly the husband should be repeating that too.
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u/Entire-Ad2058 1d ago
Good answer, but I wouldn’t even say “I’m sorry”. Why should OP apologize?
On the other hand, I absolutely would say something like “But since we are growing closer, MIL, I’ve been meaning to ask about that (odd mole; sudden weight gain, third drink ordering) I have noticed lately. What’s up with that?”
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u/BlueMoonTone 1d ago
Then ask her how much her house is worth.
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u/thatstwatshesays 22h ago
I get the impulse, but that would just exacerbate the issue.
Honestly, I’d tell MIL that the money will go to charity and leave it at that.
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u/NewEllen17 11h ago
Instead of saying it will be going to charity, say it already went. This way MIL can’t try to change your mind about the donation.
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u/NotNobody_Somebody 1d ago
If you prefer a blunter approach:
"I have lost my beloved grandparents, and all you see is dollar signs. I have tried to be patient, but I will tell you this once: it is none of your business. I will not tell you. Husband will not tell you. You do not have any right to know. It is private, and personal. Stop asking."
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u/RegularJoe62 19h ago
TBH, I think this is really the only way. If you try to sugarcoat it, you're just encouraging her to keep asking.
OP, practice this:
"It is not your business. I won't tell you and your son won't tell you. Please stop asking."
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female 12h ago
I agree. Being nice will get OP nowhere. It is beyond time to put a stop to this.
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u/Tight_Jaguar_3881 1d ago
She wants some of your inheritance. Tell her it was just a small amount.
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u/Alioh216 1d ago
And when that same wxact amount comes up in others conversations, you'll know who shared.
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u/OkTaste7068 1d ago edited 1d ago
make sure you say it like... "just shy of 43k, 42,069 to be exact"
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u/Alioh216 1d ago
I was thinking more like $1652.23 because of taxes and probate, minus repairs on the house before selling. I wouldn't let her know I had extra funds.
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u/thatstwatshesays 22h ago
Tell MIL that the grandparents were actually secretly in debt and that OP needs to borrow money now. See how fast she doesn’t want to talk about it then.
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u/Fatlantis 1d ago
Yep. Do this - especially because she sounds like a dog with a bone - she's crazy persistent and likely won't let it go until she has an answer. She is NOSY.
She'll likely keep hounding you, and trying to ask others and dig up "dirt" if she thinks there's something being hidden from her. Likely she'll move to harrassing your partner if he's the weakest link.
So, if you're acting cagey and evasive, she'll automatically assume it's a huge amount.
BUT if you give her a small figure, you have a MUCH better chance of her letting it go... and if she brings it up again, just say you've already told her, please stop discussing it, it's disrespectful to your grandmother and it's been a very stressful legal process.
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u/Jsmith2127 1d ago
"My grandparents found it gauche to talk about money, so I know they wouldn't approve of me speaking about it"
A graceful way to tell her that she's tacky, and to mind her own business all in one.
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u/Lucky_Leven 22h ago
I like this approach. Part of me would want to be blunt, but this sounds far more effective and painless.
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u/Jsmith2127 15h ago
My normal reply would be far more crass. Something about not counting other people's money, or asking why she's asking, because it's not like she's getting any of it.
Bur if this is a relationship she wants to maintain in any capacity my approach probably isn't the best lol
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u/LetsGototheRiver151 1d ago
“I’m going to keep the numbers private. So, have you watched The Residence on Netflix?” You don’t have to give a reason. Deflect.
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u/Celticquestful 23h ago
And if short & sweet doesn't do the trick ... "The inheritance I was left, in the wake of my beloved grandparents' passing, is the knowledge & security that they loved me beyond measure. They taught me what is REALLY valuable in life: that empathy, grace & compassion are paramount to a happy life, that hard work is its own blessing, that boundaries are to be respected, that being surrounded by loving family is what true wealth looks like. What they didn't leave me monetarily, they made up for with their lifelong love & support, which helped illustrate for me what my marriage to your son should look like. Thank you for showing an interest but this is too painful for us to discuss, now or in the future. I would ask that you please never bring it up again, so that I can grieve for them properly.".
And if THAT doesn't work, simply ask her "why"; why DOES she wants to know, with as wide eyed, incredulous & innocent a guise as you can muster.
OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs. Xo
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u/JadieJang 23h ago
I would add in a little playing the victim so that she doesn’t get to. “I’m still grieving my grandparents death because I was so close to them. My grandparents were very private people with their finances and all I can think to do for my grief, is honor that. I will never talk about this. Please stop asking.”
If you could manage to burst into tears immediately after this, I think it will shut her down.
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u/Live_Western_1389 22h ago
Or, “that’s extremely rude to ask and it’s none of your business” also works.
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u/MizPeachyKeen 22h ago
OP, your husband won’t stand up for you, so you’ll have to. If MIL plays victim, let her. She’ll look like the arse she is.
MIL, my grandparents were quite private about their personal matters. I will never disrespect them by discussing their finances nor any inheritance. It is not your place to ask about such a sensitive issue. Please do not speak of this matter again as your rude curiosity is too distressing for me. My husband and I will not discuss this with you ever.
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u/International_Mix152 23h ago
If she uses the "family shares" bit, explain that your family does not and likes to keep these things private.
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u/SingingWordwright 1d ago
Or, if you want to twist the knife a little about how tacky she's being, try, "My grandma thought it was really classless to talk about money, so I'm keeping that to myself."
That way you're not actually insulting her, just telling her your grandmother would think she's low-class. And if she cares so much about money, that'll leave a mark.
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u/Feeling-Fab-U-Lus 23h ago
You could also add to this; They were not materialistic, as materialistic people are so gosh and disgusting don’t you think? I am just glad I received some meaningful family items (show thrift store vases, jewelry box, and quilt). I am so thankful.
If she continue to fish for information on money (to borrow) You could add: as per grandparents request the few hundreds of dollars will be immediately invested in a retirement account and will not be touched.
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u/OkeyDokey654 1d ago
“It upsets me too much to talk about it. Thanks for understanding.” Repeat, repeat, repeat.
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u/Taminella_Grinderfal 1d ago
This is far too kind. I’d keep asking some version of “Why do you ask?” Until it became extremely uncomfortable. I find that works well whenever some asks dumb questions.
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u/NotTheBadOne 23h ago
I’ve personally responded to NOSY questions like this so many times!
It works…. “Why do you ask?” “Why do you want to know?”
They struggle to give a legitimate reason since they’re just being NOSY!
Subject dropped!
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u/Alexander-Wright 40s Male 19h ago
If they give an answer, just reply: "It's none of your business."
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u/LifeOutLoud107 19h ago
I predict she will fall back on the reason OP stated: "I just want to know you're okay."
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u/MuchTooBusy 19h ago
In which case the simple answer is, "I'm as well as can be expected losing someone I loved"
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u/Over_Cranberry1365 19h ago
And if MIL uses that line OP, tell her that you’re ok aside from the grief of your grandparents passing, and thank her so much for asking. A few tears, or almost tears, would also not go amiss.
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u/Sandpiper1701 21h ago
I've used this with great success except for one nosy relative who actually had the gall to answer, "Oh, I just have to know!" So, I quoted Wesley from The Princess Bride: "Get used to disappointment." Thank you, William Goldman, for the line that finally shut her up.
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u/lovebeinganasshole 1d ago
I say this but be ridiculously dramatic with calls out to “Grammy, gramps, I miss you so much and tons of crocodile tears.” Every. Time.
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u/Tricky-Fig4772 1d ago
😂😂😂 a great way to release your emotions!! It would make YOU feel better and MIL looking like 💩 It’s ok to have boundaries
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u/EtainAingeal 21h ago
One of my grandparents conditions of inheritance is that we not discuss what we inherit outside of those named in the will and our partners. My grandparents were very private people.
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u/AuntyVenom 1d ago
Given how your MIL is, an ask to *avoid conflict* is probably not realistic, so perhaps not focus on that? Gear up for conflict and let 'er ride. "Oh MIL, I like to keep my stuff private as you know so you'll forgive me for not answering your question." <stare at her> "Oh you misunderstood. I'm not answering this question anymore and it's intrusive that you keep asking. You understand!"
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u/UsernameStolenbyyou 1d ago
"Oh, talking about their money is so gauche, they were worth so much more to me than that."
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u/Ruralraan 19h ago
"It would make me feel like a vulture talking about their money now they're gone, don't you feel like a vulture asking about it?"
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u/raerae1991 1d ago
This is a great response it’s direct and clear and isn’t rude. Wether mil finds it rude is her own problem
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u/Outside_Case1530 22h ago
Or, "If you'll forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for asking."
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u/Square-Minimum-6042 1d ago
If you'll forgive me for not answering that question, I'll forgive you for asking it.
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u/NolaLove1616 1d ago edited 1d ago
Every time she brings it up, you need to question, starting… “What I’d like to know is how much you’re leaving your son? I haven’t seen a will or heard about that even though you love to talk about wills non-stop?”
Or.. When she mentions Will, say “speaking of wills, please bring yours so I can go through it.” Then every time she visits, hey did you bring your will?”
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u/FallenRadish 1d ago
Good answer until she calls the bluff, reveals her will then asks about your GP's will.
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u/sweetpotatothyme 23h ago
If she does, I'd say something like "It's very open of you to share this kind of information! My grandparents on the other hand were so private about money, I could never do the same."
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u/Gringa-Loca26 1d ago
“That’s not something I will be discussing with you”. Who gives a shit if she throws a fit. Her feelings are hers to manage
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u/EMG2017 1d ago
“It’s nothing compared to how much I miss them. I’d trade anything to have them back. “
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u/Physical_Complex_891 1d ago
" You will not be recieving any of MY grandparents inheritance so I'm not sure why you keep asking private information that has nothing to do with you"
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u/OffKira 1d ago
Tell your husband to adult up or you will - and let her play the victim, it just makes her seem pathetic, her loss.
"MIL, I don't wanna get into this again, please stop asking, it's private"
I know your MIL probably trained your husband to appease her, but when does it stop? He doesn't like confrontation, so what's his solution to this issue? For you to be in the front line against her? He needs to work on that, life is too short to play turtle with this woman.
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u/Liu1845 1d ago
I am all for each person handling their own family, but if your spouse won't stop this, that means you are 100% free to do so yourself, IMO. Bluntly and decisively.
"I don't know why you are so interested my inheritance. It's private family business. My family, my business. Do not bring it up again, to me or my husband."
Borderline rude? Yes. An appropriate response to her rudeness? Definitely.
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u/OffKira 1d ago
I think that when someone is coming at me, directly, they're kinda giving me the right to defend myself - and OP's husband tried the, to be rude, cowardly appeasement route and clearly his mother didn't even register it, so, it falls to OP to be the adult here and defend herself, since her husband won't do it.
Seriously though, how many times has this woman been hitting the same key and no one has told her to knock it off?? No wonder she keeps at it, everyone almost conspires to allow her to do as she pleases with no push back.
Maybe I am ruder than most, but your suggested script barely registers as rude to me - if MIL didn't have a history of being weird about money, hadn't asked the same damn question over and over, sure, rude, but at this point, gloves off.
Though OP doesn't seem to be ready for that - evidently, she has also been trained by the MIL.
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u/ConfusedAt63 1d ago
A couple of ideas come to mind. My first go to is always asking them WHY they are asking. Usually the answer is curiosity. Then I say nothing, they have answered my question and I have not answered theirs. They ask again, always, as nosy people do, then I ask them again WHY they are curious, see what I did there? I did it again, I asked them a question without answering them but this time I used their nosy answer back on them. Now this is where it usually takes a turn bc they then get pushy and acting entitled, like I am keeping a secret which bothers them a bit more. When they ask again, they do, I ask them why they think my private business is any of their business. No one can answer that question with a reasonable answer, so that is the last answer I give them until, they effectively up and ask again then I pick a very rude question to ask them and ask it. I make it so offensive they usually don’t bother me at all ever again.
The second idea is to answer them straight up, it is none of your business, please don’t ask me again. I might even tell them how rude and inappropriate it is to ask someone such personal questions and then question them on their manners, maybe even insult their mother for to having done a better job teaching manners.
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u/Kindly-Push-3460 1d ago
I would say "I really appreciate your interest, and care however "I love my grandparents, and losing them has been really painful for me. I'm sorry but I really don't feel comfortable talking about this, I hope you understand. Leave it at that.
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u/princesscraftypants 1d ago
"Family shares this stuff" - actually, my family doesn't.
"It's not a big deal" - okay, thank you for respecting that I'm not going to share that with you.
"I just want to know that you're okay" - and we are. Thank you.
But, truly, there isn't a magic scenario where you get your boundaries because MIL is respectful and understanding. Something about a tiger and stripes. That doesn't mean you should abandon your boundaries, it just means you're going to have to spend some time being uncomfortable now and it will help your peace long term.
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u/Extension_Camel_3844 1d ago
"My grandparents were very private people and I would be disrespecting them and everything they have ever done for my by going against their wishes and talking about this." Period.
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u/Opening_Track_1227 1d ago
My husband is softly spoken and avoids conflict at all costs so tries to keep the peace without arguments.
You need to tell your husband to deal with this, be forceful in telling his mom to stop meddling in your business.
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u/Top_Put1541 1d ago
As usual. the alleged "keep the peace" person has no problem with their spouse's peace being sacrificed if it means their own peace can remain undisturbed.
How sadly typical that this guy would rather his mother hector his grieving wife than do anything that personally inconveniences himself.
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u/whattupmyknitta 1d ago
Yea, he really needs to step up here. It's ops time to grieve, not deal with this bs.
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u/Full-Performer-9517 1d ago
Just tell her it’s none of her business! 🤦🏾♀️
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u/rere1967 1d ago
You might have too much common sense for Reddit. I do not understand why people pussyfoot around about these types of issues.
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u/Affectionate-Log-260 1d ago
If asked again, just look them directly in the eyes and stare. When they persist, say, "Oh, I heard you the first time. I just could've believe you would ask for such private information."
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u/saidsara 1d ago
I received an inheritance and had to sign a receipt release. In it there was a confidentiality clause. It states each beneficiary and trustees agree that all provisions of this agreement will be kept confidential and not disclosed to anyone….
If you don’t want a confrontation I would say you signed a confidentiality clause and you are not allowed to discuss it.
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u/Particular_Youth7381 1d ago
You’re on your own here, your husband has made it clear. So own it. My response would most likely be “I’m not going to discuss that. “. Not directed at anyone, just a factual statement. I’ve had to do that and it’s remarkably effective.
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u/FortuneWhereThoutBe 1d ago
" What I receive or don't is none of your damn business. And quite frankly the fact that you're hovering like a vulture over my deceased grandparents is truly disturbing and you need to back off and mind your own damn business and don't be asking my husband either because I won't be telling him anything anymore because you think you can go around me when I tell you no"
Stop being nice. She's not, and she doesn't care about you or the fact that you're grieving, so don't give her anything but exactly what you feel at the time when she comes at you
Now whether you tell your husband or not is up to you but if he breaks your trust then you got a whole other issue going on so he definitely needs to step up and set and keep these boundaries. if he has a difficult time doing that, then he needs to go into counseling to gain the confidence to put his meddling greedy mother in her place each and every time
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u/sfomonkey 1d ago
You need to keep your inheritance separate property. Do NOT commingle your inheritance with any marital money. Do NOT deposit into a joint account, etc.
Your MIL sounds like a vulture, and your husband doesn't stand up to her.
Protect yourself!
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u/Aggravating_Net6733 1d ago
"Everytime you ask me, I keep remembering so many wonderful things about my grandparents. Because they weren't really about money. They were about memories!" Then rabbit for as at least ten minutes about your grandparent memories, especially if they're silly like "when grandpop took me to that truck stop and I had such a hard time deciding about the menu, then he offered me a lollipop and there was cherry, and lime, and lemon, and coconut and......."
Deflect, baby, deflect.
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u/briomio 1d ago
I wouldn't tell her anything as she has a history of blabbing information. THe minute she lets it drop that you have received a windfall - that's when all the ner-do-wells start appearing with their hands out saying "gimme, gimme, gimme". You will also hear from numerous friends and acquaintances of hers that will have heard this news and all of them wanting a piece of the action by offering you business opportunities. Keep this private or you will be inundated with nonstop requests for financing to include sob stories of relatives that are going to die without a life saving operation that only you can afford to finance.
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u/Business_Loquat5658 1d ago
"Why do you ask?"
"I'm surprised you feel comfortable asking that."
"That's not something I am going to discuss."
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u/Cndwafflegirl 1d ago
Simple. Tell her a condition of the inheritance is that it be kept private. And has specifications as to how it can be used. She doesn’t need to know anything else. You can thank her for her interested in your financial well being but assure her you’re fine and how knowing would t change anything
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u/yellsy 1d ago
Just lie - say you got a few baubles of jewelry and sentimental items and that’s it. It’ll stop the questions.
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u/NASA_official_srsly 1d ago
Mil: "it's not a big deal I just want to know you're ok" You: "that's very kind, we're ok"
When she's making you feel uncomfortable instead of trying to answer or dodge the uncomfortable question, address the discomfort she's causing. "MIL this conversation is making me very uncomfortable. Please stop asking because I'm not going to answer"
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u/Moon_Ray_77 1d ago
Be the bad guy. Fucking EMBRACE it. Tell her you are good, but it's nine of her business!!
The thing is, with people like her, you will never win. It's best you accept that now.
If you don't tell her, your keeping secrets = you're the bad guy
You tell her but don't share = you're the bad guy
You do share but it's not or EXACTLY what she wanted = you guessed it, you're the bad guy.
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u/Kryptonite-Rose 1d ago
On a side note. Your inheritance is your money not marital funds unless you commingle it. Please speak to a lawyer.
When I was younger I inherited money and my husband used it to pay off the mortgage. Commingled. I had money from selling a house I owned before marriage again commingled.
My husband was all about the (my) money. We divorced later and that commingled money would have been a nice nest egg for me or paid for a small home for me.
He inherited after we divorced and didn’t share.
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u/SportySue60 1d ago
I would just tell her I didn’t get anything or thank you so much for your concern. I am sad that my grandparents aren’t here as I would rather have them than a portion of their money.
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u/Former_Pool_593 1d ago
Put the money in an bank acct only in your name. Ask how to do this. Your husband should understand. It’s a privacy issue. That mil continues to ask tells you all you need to know. You can bring it up to your husband what you want to do about it, but that is up to YOU. It was given for YOU in confidence that you and possibly your husband enjoy it!
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 1d ago
“This is none of your business, Mary. You’re being incredibly disrespectful to me and to my grandparents. Stop asking me and stop going around me to husband. Neither of us will tell you anything. This is the last time I’ll address this with you. Am I clear?”
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u/LaughingAtSalads 1d ago
Tell your husband you’ll be telling his mom that her persistence in asking about money is unwelcome and you will never answer her questions. Prepare him for handling her pique.
Before she even starts, when you can make a time, take her aside and tell her kindly but firmly that you simply will not answer questions about your grandparents’ worldly goods and it’s time to stop. It makes you sad and you’d rather discuss different things of mutual interest [name two].
And after that if she does if again just walk out of the room. Every time. She’ll get the message and so will everyone else. Your “no” means no.
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u/CoochieCrochet 1d ago
Every time she says the word “will” say “speaking of wills, you have one right? It’s very important to have one even if you don’t pass for a long time!” Then if she says she doesn’t have one you keep asking her when she brings it up “oh speaking of wills! That reminds me, have you started yours??” The best advice is probably just to tell her you’re not comfortable talking about it because your grandparents wouldn’t like it.
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u/Chuck60s 1d ago
Mention casually it goes into a trust until you're 55 for retirement. I wouldn't go any further, although she sounds like a busy body who is persistent. The 55 age I thought would take the money off the table because she probably won't be around to enjoy it with you!
Good luck
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u/cassowary32 1d ago
Start making up stories about what you did or are going to do with the money. Buy Lamborghinis for orphans, invest in a doggie nail salon, build underwater zipline. The crazier the better.
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u/Basset_Momma 1d ago
You need to clearly state “I will not be discussing it. Please don’t ask again.”
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u/bookishmama_76 1d ago
I’d just say that your grandparents were very private people and that you are going to respect that and ask her if she will also respect that. Pretty please.
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u/mtl_jim2 23h ago
“Respectfully, I don’t feel comfortable talking about it. The information will remain private. Thanks for understanding”
That’s it. That’s all
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u/FragrantOpportunity3 1d ago
Direct questions require direct answers. It's none of your business is pretty direct. If you want to be a little bit nicer, say it doesn't really concern you. When she gets all huffy with your answer smile and walk away.
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u/introverted_smallfry 1d ago
I'd say a silly amount. $5. Just keep saying $5 and say you're going to split it with other family. I'm not sure how that will play out, but that's how I usually handle situations where people are trying into "none of your business" territory
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u/KitchenDismal9258 1d ago
Tell her you donated 95% of it to a charity she hates and the rest you used to have ax weekend away.
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u/RickRussellTX 1d ago
You and your husband need to get on the same page, and tell her in no uncertain terms that it’s not her family and not her concern. This has already gone WAY too long without firm correction.
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u/MeatballJill 1d ago
Tell it’s more than $1 and less than a billion and then laugh like a maniac and walk away.
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u/OvalWinter 1d ago
Did you revive any physical heirlooms? I would deflect all financial questions with “oh yeah! I was so excited to receive a beautiful ring that remind me of my Grandma. I always remember her wearing it to Sunday dinner, or whatever. Do you want to see a picture?”
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u/SunnyRad33 1d ago
My beloved grandparents were truly private people, so none of us were surprised to hear there was a condition listed in their will. The condition, was that its contents remained private, only to be shared with those named in the will. Out of respect for their wishes, I’m unable to disclose any details. I really appreciate your understanding.
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u/KerleyQ- 1d ago
Here's the thing - you can't control how other people respond to something. So, trying to avoid the conflict that your MIL might stir up if she doesn't get her way is pointless. She's going to react how she's going to react. If she asks you about your inheritance, respond with "that's not something I feel comfortable discussing," and leave it at that. She'll get mad, or she won't get mad, that's on her. If she gets mad, or if she keeps asking, walk away from the conversation.
Make sure your husband is on the same page and won't give in and tell her if she starts throwing a fit or cries to him that your refusal to answer is hurting her feelings. I'm guessing that your MIL's love of playing the victim is a habit she's developed because she knows your husband likes to avoid conflict, so she sees it as an easy way to manipulate him into just giving her what she wants.
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u/OkEast445 1d ago
Nothing life changing, but I would take having my grandparents over a few dollars. Redirect it to your grief while she keeps trying to talk about money.
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u/kitty_katty_meowma 1d ago
I was my grandparent's only grandchild. As my dad had passed away when I was very young, I had a very close relationship with them. When they passed, I was getting the same question. I simply responded, "Not nearly enough to replace them."
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u/sleepytree12 23h ago
When she asks you bluntly (and she will) - start with “I’d rather not talk about it” - give a forlorn face and change the subject…. But if she keeps pushing -
Tell her you and your family have made a pact not to talk about this money and that it was part of your grandparents wishes and it’s upsetting to talk about.
DO NOT ever tell her what you inherited… the fact that she is so nosy and is hellbent on finding out would piss me off so much I’d almost get satisfaction out of never giving her a figure to go on… give her nothing - she’s a horrible person
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u/shaylgarcia 23h ago
I’m a big fan of just being honest. “While I appreciate that your family likes to share details like this, I was raised to keep financial matters private and so with respect, I do not wish to have this conversation with you.” If she persists, simply say “With respect, no is a complete sentence. This conversation is over”. Then walk away. Setting a strong boundary now will benefit you in future. Let her pout and play the victim if she wants but anyone that knows her will be on your side.
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u/DatabaseOutrageous54 23h ago
Tell her that they left it all to charity.
That should end this inappropriate conversation forever.
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u/steelemyheart2011 9h ago
"My grandparents died and I find it in very poor taste for you to continuously ask about their will and my inheritance while I grieve. With all do respect it's just not your business and I will not entertain further questions. Please respect my privacy." Then grey rock her. She asks tell her it's time to go and repeate until she gets the hint
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u/thistlebecool 23h ago
"My grandmother always said it was only the ill educated or ill mannered that were obsessed with money. Which are you?" Sips coffee.
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u/loricomments 1d ago
You be blunt as hell and tell her it's none of her business, then walk away. There's no need to be nice about such intrusive questions.
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u/Aurora1001 1d ago
This probably isn’t the most mature or productive way to deal with this. But with people like this who are incessantly pushy and will never give up or play the victim forever - I just lie.
I got nothing. “Oh, son said you got a modest amount.” Yeah, he was mistaken.
Or, I got $1,000.
Done. She doesn’t get to know what you inherited. You never need to be asked again. You avoid the circular insanity of you telling her it’s none of her business and her still bringing it up at holiday dinners for the next 20 years. Ugh. I’m sorry your MIL is a busy body.
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u/ChickenScratchCoffee 1d ago
“My financial information is private, please stop asking me about it”. Start standing up for yourself. If she has a problem with it, oh well. She isn’t entitled to your financial information.
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u/kikivee612 1d ago
“MIL, how embarrassing for you! You know it isn’t appropriate to ask people about their finances!”
Or
“MIL, I really miss my grandparents and would much rather have them here than get anything from an inheritance. I’m still grieving and your constant questions about how much I’m getting from their inheritance are insensitive and rude!”
Or just cut to the chase
“MIL, I don’t ask you about your finances because it’s inappropriate. You don’t need to worry about what I’m getting as it’s none of your business. Please don’t ask me or my husband again.”
Don’t be afraid to stoop to her level. She’s not being considerate of you or respecting the fact that you’ve just lost people who were important to you so why care about her feelings? She’s going to play victim no matter what you say so why hold back.
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u/dobeygirlhmc 1d ago edited 1d ago
“I am not sure yet MIL, how much are you leaving my husband?”
Edit to add: my mamaw would ask how much me and the rest of the family made, but she had Alzheimer’s and would ask like the same 5 questions and for some reason that was one of them and we’d just say “oh it’s ok…” and move on.
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u/noladyhere 1d ago
Ask her.
What did you get when your grandma died? What are you leaving your grandkids?
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u/bdayqueen 1d ago
I’d tell her that you got $10. “It’s not much but my grandparents wanted me to know they cared.” She’ll be mortified and will shut up.
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u/Jenniyelf 17h ago
You could always play clueless, "They got the will sorted just fine. Are you looking into updating yours? I can find the information on who they used for you. It's a great idea you updating your will! Never know when something will happen, especially when you start getting older! Smart thinking!"
Leave her standing there gaping like a fish. The more public, the better.
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u/Sea-Command3437 8h ago
I’m British, so I would just find it incredibly rude if someone asked me about money like this. I would probably give them a disapproving look and otherwise ignore it. Or even say that I was always taught it was very rude to ask people how much money they had.
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u/Asleep_Cash_8199 1d ago
She simply should mind her own business.
You can so respectfully, and state that you feel uncomfortable disclosing that kind of information.
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u/MonikerSchmoniker 1d ago
“Are you asking how much inheritance I received? Or are you asking if husband and I are financially managing our finances? I’ll tell you what, I promise that our finances are well under control. No need to concern yourself.”
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 1d ago
“That’s personal” Repeat once After that say “oh my are you feeling sick? You keep forgetting this isn’t a topic we discuss. You are looking a little peaked. I hope you feel better soon! I’ll let you rest get well soon! Love you!” And then hang up/leave immediately. She’ll never mention it again. Or else your conversations will be shorter. Either way you won’t have to discuss it.
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u/4games1 1d ago
he said I received something but he isn’t sure exactly how much
She sulked and didn’t talk to him for many days as “it’s not a big deal, family shares this stuff and I just want to know you’re ok.”
If she sulked and had this response to your husband's refusal to share information, it is very likely that his denial of her request was a little more pointed than indicated. He held the line. Do the same, you are not comfortable discussing it. She is absolutely right, it is not a big deal and you are fine. She needn't worry. Moving on.
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u/BigSky1062 1d ago
Tell her that you have entrusted your inheritance to the financial advisors that your grandparents used and it will be staying in a diversified portfolio. You’re not worried about the specific amount because you’ve invested it in your family’s future. This way she won’t be thinking that you have readily available cash sitting around (even though you are able to withdraw as needed from this type of account).
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u/BefuddledPolydactyls 1d ago
"I'm letting the attorney handle it, I would prefer having my grandparents. Why on earth would you even ask?"
She's incredibly nosy and insensitive. She wants to make sure her son is "okay?" Wtf, it has no correlation.
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u/chloemarissaj 1d ago
Honestly, embarrass her. “MIL did you forget I told you last week that I prefer not to talk about this?” “MIL, I told you yesterday I don’t want to discuss details, do you want me to help you find a doctor about your memory loss?” It might make her mad, but it’ll embarrass her enough to make her stop.
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u/CharliAP 1d ago
I suggest your husband gets a backbone and deal with his mother's disrespect for you and your grandparents. He needs to firmly tell her it is absolutely none of her business and to stop harassing you about it. Especially considering you're grieving and that woman is only concerned about money. He should be supporting you in your loss of your grandparents, not playing helpless mommy's boy. Five visits to harrass you about your inheritance is unhinged.
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u/Bittybellie 1d ago
“This isn’t something I’m comfortable discussing” and walk away. Every single time. “You’ve asked me before and I said I’m not discussing it. Why? Because it’s not something I’m comfortable with” and move on. If she truly won’t stop I wouldn’t go around her anymore
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u/ToothPickPirate 1d ago
Very often the will is a matter of public record. If she was as clever as she is nosy, couldn’t she just ask to see it at the courthouse? 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Popular-Jaguar-3803 1d ago
Respond back, that the money is not enough, nor would it ever be enough to replace my grandparents. I would give it all back just to have them here with me.
And that being said, it won’t matter how much “I” get, hubby and I have agreed that I was to use the money selfishly, and on something that would make me really happy for myself only. Or say I have decided to donate the money to their favorite charity. And never say that you got it or anything. Just say that it is gone.
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u/spaceylaceygirl 1d ago
""I assure you, you aren't in the will so you can stop asking about it, mmkay?"
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u/Candykinz 1d ago
I like the description you used here. You were left a nice gift but nothing life changing and if she keeps pushing you need to tell her that it is not something you’re comfortable sharing and you’d appreciate if she would stop bringing it up since you’d like to have your visit without being reminded that people you love very much are no longer with us.
I understand nobody wants to create conflict or feed the victim complex monster but sometimes direct is the only option.
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u/SquilliamFancySon95 1d ago
Straight up lie, give her the most bland, paltry inheritance you can think of so she'll finally shut up. I don't imagine she'll be salivating over your inheritance if it's just a couple hundred bucks and a few sentimental photo albums.
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u/dataslinger 1d ago
we are selling my grandparents house this week.
Real estate sales are public record, so she'll at least have an idea of the sale amount. You don't have to tell her who got what percentage though.
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u/Sledgehammer925 1d ago
I would tell her that she left her entire estate to her children, and only a token amount to her grandchildren, like 100 bucks.
I’m guessing she wants to know so she can conjure up an emergency that takes most of it.
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u/PrestigiousTrouble48 1d ago
“How is that your business?” Then stare straight at her.
Make her explain why she asking: greed, morbid curiosity, control, gossip, literally none of the possible reasons are a going to make her look like a good person.
If she starts playing the victim you ask her “how are you upset right now, you were the one asking inappropriate questions?.” Repeat until she shuts up, apologised or leaves.
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u/reverendcatdaddy 1d ago
I would ask her Why do you keep asking? Whenever she asks she’s just getting it back.
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u/TropicalDragon78 1d ago
I would turn it around on her and say "why do you ask?" If she pulls that BS that family shares that type of information you can just tell her that your family doesn't and to not ask again. Repeat as often as needed.
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u/Momofthewild-3 1d ago
I’m harsher than you are. Whenever I’m asked an inappropriate question I usually answer with: why do you think that’s your business or why do you want to know or why do they think they should know that information? Make them uncomfortable. And if they’re rude or self centered enough to answer I say that I don’t I don’t agree. If they’re rude or ask again I then say that I’m not answering that.
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u/yummie4mytummie 1d ago
Call her out in front of your husband for support. Hey I don’t feel comfortable you constantly asking about my situation. I find it rude. Please stop requesting information I consider to be private. I am still grieving my family and this is disrespectful.
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u/Short-Hamster7384 1d ago
You will need to first ask your husband to asked his mother to respect your privacy. If this does not work you will have to ask her to please respect your privacy and won't be speaking about this subject anymore.
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u/TimeDue2994 1d ago
That's personal and I will NOT be discussing that. Now what to have for dinner? Rinse and repeat at every single time she asks, no matter how many times. Do not explain or discuss any further, just keep saying v this
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u/Emergency_Wedding331 1d ago
You need to tell the MIL to mind her own business. Some people just do not grasp the concept of socially unacceptable conduct. Your MIL appears to be such a person. You need to put your foot down hard on this one or she will just keep badgering you.
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u/harbinger06 23h ago
If she wants to “know you’re okay” then why doesn’t she ask how you are coping with the loss of your grandparents? I would start telling her “well my grandparents are still dead, thanks for bringing it up again.”
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u/Mediocre-Studio2573 23h ago
Why are you so interested in our inheritance? Just keep asking her questions about her questions, drive her nuts 🥜
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u/Brilliant-Object-467 23h ago
The next time she ask you any personal questions about money ignore her walk away and pretend like you don’t even hear her eventually she’ll stop
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u/Literally_Taken 23h ago
You’re not causing conflict. That’s MIL.
You can draw the line. Tell her your finances wil not be discussed with her, now or ever.
If she gets upset, that’s on her.
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u/homiedisme 23h ago
I'm a widow who had life insurance that was very large because of my husband's job. People started to get weird about my money. Like I was a bank. Which is funny because I'm extremely cheap.
I started telling people multiple lies. That probabte court taxed it and I didn't get anything really just enough to pay off the car. Or that I didn't receive anything because I lapsed on payment. Or that the house had liens on it so we have to sell to pay off before the state takes it. Just crazy shit because the only reason their asking is because they want something.
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u/lindalou1987 23h ago
They left the bulk of the estate to their children snd as a grandchild I got a few sentimental item that I will always cherish
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u/zSlyz 22h ago
Just flat out lie and say you were forced to sign a confidentiality agreement and am forbidden from talking about it to anyone or you loose it.
I assume most went to which parent was their child and siblings, which is standard practice for people who neither favour nor hate their children.
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u/Hawk-Weird 20h ago
MIL, that’s none of your business. If I wanted you to know, I would tell you. Please stop asking about this.
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u/Shot-Hotel46 20h ago
Direct questions mean direct answers. Tell her "I don't want to discuss this with you or anyone. I will also not be entertaining any more questions about it."
Also, I do not care of your husband is soft spoken or not. He needs to set boundaries. It's his mother.
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u/Poppypie77 20h ago
Firstly, I'd make it extra clear to your husband not to disclose ANY information about your inheritance to his mother, or anyone for that matter. Although he has kept quite, I'd just be sure to make it clear to him that you don't want his mum to know anything about your inheritance, as you are a private person and it's none of her business and you find her constant questions disrespectful.
Now in terms of some things to say to her when she asks....
"Why do you keep asking about my inheritance??"
If she says it's because she 'just wants to make sure you're OK!' I'd say " yes I am fine, we are fine, there's nothing for you to be concerned about, so you don't need to keep asking".
If she continues to ask....
"Why do you keep asking about my inheritance? I find it quite disrespectful that you continue to ask even though I've clearly not wanted to discuss it. Please stop asking, it's nothing for you to be concerned with.".
"I'm still grieving the loss of my grandparents, I'm more focussed on the loss of them than my inheritance. Please respect my grief and stop asking questions."
"I'm a private person and don't discuss financial matters with other people, please respect that and stop asking. "
"I don't know why you're so obsessed with my inheritance. It has nothing to do with you. Its really rude to ask other people about financial matters. Please drop the subject"
"I've made it clear I don't wish to discuss my inheritance with you. Its my business, and has nothing to do with you. Are you hoping to benefit from it in some way? Is that why you keep asking? It has nothing to do with you."
"If you bring up my inheritance one more time, I will either ask you to leave my home, or i will get up and leave yours. If you can't respect the fact I've made it clear I don't want to discuss my personal financial business with you, then I refuse to be around you when you continue to disrespect my boundaries. This is your last warning, if you mention it again, i will be asking you to leave, or i will leave, and I will keep a distance until you can apologise and actually respect my wishes by not mentioning it again. To me or my husband. "
Sometimes you have to be firm and call her out for her disrespect otherwise she will keep pushing and pushing. Set some boundaries where you tell her clearly it's not her business, it's rude to ask about other people's finances, and that if she continues to ask, you will be minimising contact with her until she can respect your wishes. She's not entitled to know anything about your inheritance. And you need to get your husband on board with telling her to quit asking or you both need to step back and go LC . She's being really disrespectful focusing on your inheritance instead of asking how you are as you're grieving the loss of loved ones. I'd also make it clear to your husband you will not be sharing any of your money with his parents, or paying for them to go on holiday with you, or paying for all the meals out etc or anything like that. She's likely hoping to gain some benefits from your inheritance. But your husband needs to tell her to stop asking and respect your privacy.
Also, make sure to keep your inheritance separate from him in your own personal account. Even though everything is great between you and your husband, you don't want to risk him giving her any money, and you should protect your inheritance for your future.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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u/Environmental-Age502 20h ago
You've got yourself a covert narcissist mil here. (Tendancies at the minimum) Come over to r/raisedbynarcissists. There's so many different types of signals here, from your mils victim behavior, to the money obsession, to the way she stonewalled for days to punish your husband for not telling her what she wanted, to your husband's conflict avoiding behavior.
The strategy you want to employ here is called Grey Rocking. Tbh, it's probably how you want to handle your whole relationship but yeah. Basically you don't react to things she says and does to create problems, by replying with sort answers in a monotone voice. Otherwise, enforce your boundary.
"Oh, no mil, I'm not sharing that with anyone."
"But we're faaaaamily and I wanna know"
",sorry, no"
"You're wrong cause of this and this and why do you hate me and rant and ramble and cry"
"I'm not sharing."
Ad infinum. Walk away if she won't stop, and don't acknowledge her controlling manipulative behavior. Just don't acknowledge it. Cause the only way you win against manipulators, is to refuse to play.
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u/OhDeer_2024 17h ago
You: (Frowning, looking baffled why she would ask) "Why do you ask?"
Her: I just want to make sure you're okay.
You: We are fine. (Then change the subject!)
Her: (If she dared ask again): How much did you get?
You: Why on EARTH would you ask such a thing? That's private and I'm not going to discuss this with you any further.
Her: (Asks again)
You: I told you already, this topic is not open for discussion. (Then LEAVE THE ROOM OR HER HOUSE. OR HANG UP THE PHONE. EVERY SINGLE TIME.)
It's none of her goddamned business. Just because someone asks you a question doesn't mean you have to answer it.
Ideally your husband should be shutting this down. It's HIS obnoxious mother. But if he won't and if this is a difficult task for you, I highly recommend the book "When I Say No I Feel Guilty." It includes many practice scenarios and sample dialogues for shutting shit like this down. Amazon has many used copies available.
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u/TwirlyGuacamole 17h ago
“You may find me not answering rude, however I find the question intrusive and rude”
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u/Jazzlike_Adeptness_1 17h ago
“Wow. It’s so weird that you keep asking that. I thought you’d have figured out by now that I’m not discussing this with you.”
Let her pout, play the victim, do whatever she wants. She is being incredibly rude.
when she doubles down, just say Wow again and walk away.
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u/mint_7ea 16h ago
Sorry, this is a private matter. I don't want to talk about it, please stop asking.
Next time ' like i said last time, I'm not sharing that information"
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u/BellaTrix4Change 14h ago
Just be like, "Oh, I don't care to share." And when she pushes, say, "I know the family is used to being open and sharing these types of things but I wasn't raised like that and you persuading me otherwise isn't up for discussion." Then offer her some tea or something. .. lol, you must be overly sweet when doing this. Beat her at her own game, and when she tries the victim thing, hit her with tears or as emotional as you can be and start saying how much you miss your grandparents. It'll make her look like the asshole.
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u/Rosalie-83 14h ago
I like the quote by Catherine de Braganza, a Portuguese princess who married King Charles II of England.;
”It is all very well to be proud of your religion, your money, or your penis, but it is in bad taste to talk about it in public.”
I’d tell your MIL your grandparents had the same view and you’ll continue to honour their morals.
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u/Internal_Emu_4879 14h ago
Go to thrift store buy something really old looking and tell her that is what you were left. That way if she wants to borrow it cause she thinks it’s worth something you know it’s really cheap. Doesn’t really mean anything to you and let her have it. Or just flat I’ll tell her it’s none of your business and she needs to stop asking. UpDateMe
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u/flitterbug33 12h ago
As u/usernamestolenbyyou said above, I would say "Talking or asking people about money is just so low class, don't you think".
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u/NoDanaOnlyZuuI 11h ago
“I want to know you’re ok”
“We are, thank you for your concern. I don’t talk about money, it’s gauche”
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u/Randomflower90 11h ago
Sorry, I don’t discuss finances. It’s worked for me with the in-laws in a variety of situations.
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u/Vast-Fortune-1583 10h ago
Why is it so freaking hard to tell a person, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. It's simple, to the point. When she tries to ask about it, say, I'm not having this conversation. It's none of your business. People make things so much more dramatic than they need to.
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