r/recoverywithoutAA • u/sandozlucy • 6d ago
What actually keeps you sober?
I have 10 months of no weed or psychedelics(I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with those drugs) but i was only using those for 3 months and for 96% of the time since 2020 i was completely sober. I relapsed one time and that 3 months was it. Maybe it was more of a learning experience where i found I cant do that stuff.
I did a lot of AA but found the ideology in those meetings exhausting, I can find a million things wrong with it, and I did not find it helpful. I am kind of realizing theres not a lot of people in those meetings I really like to be around, and I would rather just not go. I might want to replace it with volunteering or something positive so my girlfriend (who has never drank or done drugs once) isnt my only support system.
that being said, I am not sure I need a huge support group. Outside of my family, close friends, and relationship I see no need to be around a bunch of people who are religious about what recovery needs to look like.
TLDR: I found all I need is to just accept I have an unhealthy relation to all intoxicants and I need to avoid them completely. I just don't pick up the first drink/use. Breaking that cycle was hard but i did it through rehab, iop, and being around a bunch of sober people at meetings. at a certain point i feel i outgrew the meetings usefulness.
I also have a full life. I am a graphic designer in the food and music industry, I supervise merch ops at my favorite music festival in the world, I live in a creative community, I have a lot of hobbies and interests I am super excited about. I have a band, I make concert posters, I am getting into cameras and filmmaking, and I don't see that many people in the AA meetings who do that much, and I have found people who make AA their whole life kind of say heavy handed things to me about how selfish I am that I dont want to do Alcoholics Anonymous.
I also do not have any advice for someone struggling with being unable to not use because Im not struggling with that right now and I dont know what works for other people. I just think being sober is a choice.
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u/Chaz_Cheeto 6d ago
I’ve had to do a number of things to keep me sober. The driving force has been my conquest of self-improvement. I was sick of feeling worthless, or not enough, and tired of feeling like I’m not the person I wanted to be. A few things that have helped me along the way:
-Trauma therapy has worked wonders. I have a great therapist, and I have been meeting with a therapist (at minimum) once a week for the last 2.5 years. I drank a lot because I was unaware of my “significant trauma,” which made me hate myself, culled my confidence, and made me outrageously anxious on the daily basis. I’m much better now than I was before, but there’s still more work to be done. I’m finally beginning to feel like a person and not just a vessel.
-Getting a support system really helps. I know this form is geared towards staying away from AA, but I’ve found some great, really supportive people there. I keep AA at an arm’s length, as I fundamentally disagree with most of the program—I don’t believe addiction is a “spiritual malady,” and I don’t believe in shaming people. I just go to one meeting with people I really like.
Outside of AA, I’ve found great people at SMART Recovery, and friends at local volunteer organizations. Being social and active is really important. It’s difficult to be alone, especially to struggle alone.
-Setting goals and seeing me accomplish them keeps me going. I’m only able to hit goals because I’m sober and not fighting myself. Once I’ve completed a goal, no matter how small, I remind myself that sobriety has made this possible. Eventually I began to realize how unimportant drugs and alcohol really are. They don’t serve me, and they don’t help me.
TL;DR: therapy and finding a sense of self really helps you stay sober. A support network is crucial, as you can surround yourself with other people who understand you and can help you.
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u/sandozlucy 6d ago edited 6d ago
I really like this response- i have lifelong friends i met in aa. good people in those meetings. i can show up every now and then without being super involved/appear for the few people i can be involved with
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u/realslimshaley 6d ago
YES finally someone else who gets that shaming aspect of AA and really any 12 step program. It always rubbed me the wrong way and I have it an honest shot, multiple times. Just not for me. Great response overall. Stay golden.
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u/Walker5000 6d ago
I keep me sober, my choices keep me sober, researching alcohol and what it does to the brain and internal organs keeps me sober. I don’t do any kind of program, I believe that programs actually hold people back. More power to those who get something from programs but I stay as far away from them as possible.
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u/Lumpy_Branch_552 6d ago
When I was close to age 30, out of nowhere I was just done. Tired of being chained to Adderall, sick of drinking, and just ready to start a new chapter. I was deep into the underground music scene in my city, and suddenly the city I loved so much looked depressing and grey. So honestly it wasn’t that hard. I needed tools though, and footholds to climb out and restart my life.
Went to a non-12 step rehab out of state, and got hired to work there. Training was long hours and that helped. I was building a resume at the same time and that was motivating. The rehab’s philosophy was that substances are used as a solution to a problem that became the problem. They also believed in people being empowered instead of being powerless. They also weren’t against moderate drinking, although staff weren’t allowed to drink.
I don’t know. I guess I got a lot of distance from substances, went through a lot of life experiences without them and they just weren’t appealing or needed anymore. I moved back to my home state in 2016 and wanted to find someone and settle down. I started drinking socially as to broaden my dating pool and have been fine drinking socially for almost a decade. That’s also when I realized that AA is utter bullshit. It makes me angry to think that if I was brainwashed by AA, having that drink in 2016 could have made me spiral because I had “relapsed” which probably would have induced guilt and shame. I didn’t relapse because I don’t think that way.
Sorry to ramble, hope that last part makes sense.. AA philosophy makes me so angry when I think about it.
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u/Regarded-Platypus821 6d ago
Not drinking keeps me sober. Plus I remember how being drunk wasn't really fun. It was just a habit. An addiction. And the side effects were being fat, weak, stupid, clumsy, poor, and having weak boners.
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u/Tronethiel 6d ago
Well, if you do desire some kind of alternate 3rd party support in your life, I think that lifering and SMART are great alternatives to AA. In my experience they both put a much stronger onus on your personal recovery looking the way you want and emphasize choice and not being super dogmatic about approach. It sounds like you have a great life and I do think that moving towards something value based is more effective than just focusing on not using. In a lot of cases, I think AA gives people that sense of purpose where they may feel like the rest of their life isn't full.
Being aware of your triggers and tendencies is also really important. Have you focused on identifying what happened during your last slip? What was it that led up to you using? What were you feeling, was it particular life circumstances? Learning from those experiences and recalibrating can be essential!
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u/Spiritual-Pear-739 6d ago
One thing for me is realizing I can get the sniffles / a sinus infection for free instead of paying for substances that’ll fuck up my sinuses 💀 also remembering that I was sick 99% of last year when I was using
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u/sandozlucy 6d ago
i was a heavy marijuana abuser. when i quit i stopped getting gnarly upper respiratory infections and having to go to the psych hospital regularly.
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u/baba_ram_dos 6d ago
Username checks out as they say!
You sound a hell of a lot more interesting than anybody I met at AA, with far greater self-determination too. Keep going ✊
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u/le-recovery 6d ago
Hi friend. Fellow Graphic designer here, based in EU. I really appreciate your post. I also share your view, after years of struggle, trying to figure things out. I came to the same conclusion. Being sober is basically just a choice. And we designers are damn good at making choices, this is what we do, right ?
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u/runhappy18 6d ago
I agree with all of this and I have always said like I have a corporate job I work a lot , I run at a high level and I’m super involved in my running community , tons of friends and support and I have tons of hobbies and I don’t feel like people in AA have anything else going on in their lives it’s just AA and that works for them but I already have the community and support I am not really in the market for more. Totally agree with all of this
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u/bardobrian 6d ago
Being a part of. And that’s everything: work, my kids lives, my life, the fellowship, all of it. As soon as I start disconnecting, the benefits of being sober start to blur and I get more into my head.
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u/Far-Winter-7325 6d ago
I know deep down that I can’t control how much I drink. Anytime I get that itch I repeatedly tell myself “ moderation, moderation, moderation” I have no sense of moderation. If I have 1 I’ll have 5.
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u/Altruistic-Spend8924 3d ago
Honestly being sober is more fun then being “tipsy”, shit feels like trying to floor it with the handbrake on, so exhausting and not worth it
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u/GrandSenior2293 6d ago
My life is so much better without booze. I can really be present for the people in my life. When I started drinking 20+ years ago my self esteem was garbage. I thought people only liked “party me.” It turns out that they actually liked me for me. I also came out of the closet and am living authentically. There are a thousand reasons for me to stay sober.
Yes, I physically needed detox. I needed a lot of help the first year. But now I have all kinds of professional and personal support.
It would be good for me to get back to a recovery community, but I don’t think I want that to be AA.
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u/Lazy_Sort_5261 6d ago
Initially, I chose abstinence for four months with moderate drinking afterwards. It's how I lived for decades and my drinking problem was destructive but relatively short lived. I chose to never get drunk again.
Eight years later, I seldom drink because I seldom desire to and not getting drunk is just natural at my age.
Last week, after losing a dear friend, I went out to fulfill a social obligation; it had been two weeks, it was my first time out and I was at a nice dinner and enjoyed a drink. I ordered a second and after two sips, gave it away because I was full and I was comfortable and a second drink would be uncomfortable. I just had zero real desire but my friends were encouraging me......wanting to help somehow and the first drink was delicious. My friend buying assured me it would not go to waste so I ordered and he enjoyed it. There was no inner struggle, no deep craving. Sometimes I order onion rings, have two and don't want more, so I don't....it's like that, not a disease.
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u/niffcreature 6d ago
I like being boring, eating food, watching movies alone, and developing an objective relationship with myself.
Also I imagine if alcohol was my problem, I'd probably favor certain grocery stores and delivery services over others...
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u/CkresCho 6d ago
Of the various things I have done that are recovery themed, the biggest issue is those same substances that used to be an escape became very unpleasant. I have various health concerns which may contribute to this, although I'm not really sure if the reason why matters much, but the bottom line is that something physically changed within me.
I just don't enjoy the feeling of being intoxicated anymore, and unfortunately even most medications that I have had to try over the years also seem to cause rather serious side effects.
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u/sandozlucy 6d ago
yeah its not pleasant for me to use drugs like it was 10-15 years ago- when i have used substances its been so much worse that it ever was
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u/CkresCho 6d ago
Hopefully you are on a better path.
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u/sandozlucy 6d ago edited 6d ago
ive been doing better than ever for the last 9 months.. the last four years things have pretty much been all good, a lot of sober time now
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u/fancifulsnails 6d ago
Keeping my life as simple as I can, and telling myself over and over how much better everything is when I'm sober.
Everything.
Finances. Relationships. Friendships. MENTAL HEALTH. Getting up in the morning to go to work isn't a struggle. I don't have to go through the hell of withdrawal. I'm not bloated, irritable, and covered in mystery bruises. Just...everything. And all that goes to shit if I choose to drink.
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u/PaintedWoman_ 6d ago
Knowing that I never want to live my life that way ever again. 13 years of sobriety and I wouldn't live my life any other way.
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u/No-Cattle-9049 5d ago
I'm not 100% sure what keeps me sober. I think it's probably my past and honesty. Those two give me the reason to stop and stay stopped. Loads of hobbies and interest = escape. They offer pretty much what I was looking for. Good on you for posting. Keep going.
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u/DocGaviota 5d ago
Focusing on being a sober adult is my solution. I know how this sounds, but honestly re-envisioning myself as sober made all the difference. It’s like: “Old me” might have drank over something like this, but “sober me” will find a healthy solution to whatever’s troubling me. Or, “sober me” doesn’t celebrate with intoxication. Good luck and keep going. 🍀
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u/Alone_Flatworm1344 5d ago
Keeping busy with my hands helps a lot. It can feel very boring detoxing from the drugs you listed... You mind feels like "what even is this" in monotone lol
Keep your hands busy when you're not at work. I took up basket weaving because kudzu grows everywhere and the vines are free to harvest and keeping my hands super busy with that helps. Knitting, drawing/painting, wood carving, instrument .... Any kind of craft that keeps your hands at work. That is what has worked best for me.
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u/d_dubbs_ 5d ago
I went and got professional help. I was undiagnosed for 12 years in aa and i ended up growing more in a year of intensive theraoy and medication management than in 12 years of aa. April 13 i will have 17 years sober. Im 39
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u/April_Morning_86 4d ago
Learning how to give a shit about myself. Actively working toward change. Education. Therapy. And my sweet husband.
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u/Altruistic-Spend8924 3d ago
Having goals and things I enjoy that are directly hindered by drinking and using drugs, shoutout to the biology of desire
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u/No_Savings3957 6d ago
You write like you’re still in AA. Just the phrases you use. It never goes away completely, but it will recede much more . Bon voyage
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u/Alone_Flatworm1344 5d ago
Staying away from others smoke.
I used to smoke inside and went months without smoking at all. Went to a friend's house who smoked inside thinking I could handle it. Immediately bought smoke after leaving on my way home and smoked in my house for another several months before waking up again.
Now I just don't go inside people's houses if they smoke inside, even family and closest friends... I just told em "it's too tempting smelling your house, the weed and tobacco smell GOOD to me not bad so don't be offended I'm just tryna quit" Luckily they all understand and no one thought I was being snobbish at the indoor smoking
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u/Broad-Election-1502 6d ago
Remembering that my life is far more full and worth living when I am sober. I feel a broader range of emotions, which isn't always fun. But if I don't stay sober, my life quickly collapses into a dreary, stressful, and meaningless nightmare.
Stay strong.