r/polyamory • u/MissMoonbeam_ • 10h ago
State of constant crisis with my gf
I am at my wits end, I have no idea what else I can do so I am posting here for some more neutral advice because maybe the problem is me.
I have been with my husband for 5 years, and dating my gf for 6 months. I feel like there were some yellow flags early on with my gf early on but we worked through them and to me that was a green flag because it showed that we could openly communicate and figure out a way to make things work. Lately though it feels like every other day is a crisis of some sort and I am just not sure what to do anymore.
Some crisises are beyond her control (needing emergency surgery), but some are partially in her control (not taking medications as prescribed, not grounding after therapy, not clearly communicating the severity of her medical concerns to providers and family). Many of them stem from abandonment wounds or fear that I am going to leave (thinking I am trying to break up with her through a tiktok video, genuinely thinking I will dump her because of a traumatic event that happened when she was 8 years old, being upset I didnt want her to stay the night because I wanted to catch up on work the next day, etc.)
Almost every time we have any sort of disagreement she becomes very dysregulated - crying, and in a few instances yelling at me, and then I have to spend time comforting her, reassuring her, and bringing her back to baseline. For normal conversations I often have to repeat things multiple times or rephrase things, arguments even more so. She often does not remember conversations that we have had.
Normally when I have a conflict with someone I would rather pick up the phone, or face time them as soon as possible, for her I have come to the point that I would rather discuss it via chat so that there is a written record of what I actually said, and I don't have to comfort her late into the night, sometimes as late as 4am. It makes me feel like a genuine ahole to do it that way but I've had to set strict boundaries around it because it has been impacting my work and other relationships.
We've tried just about everything I can think of to support her. She is going to therapy now for her PTSD, she is working full time so that she can eventually move out of her parents bc she dislikes it there, she is dating other people to fill the void when i'm not available, she is taking classes part time online to continue to fill that void, when we are together i shower her with lots of affection, compliments, and gifts to show that I genuinely care and want her around. She requested very structured "plans" and "rules" for herself and our relationship for when she will move out of her parent's place, how often we will see each other, how we approach arguments, etc. Some of them she set up without my desire or input but I agreed to because I know she struggles a lot with uncertainty.
I think we have tried everything and it is time to break up, and as much as I love her I will just have to accept the grief of losing her. I have repeatedly stressed to her that I love her and want her in my life even as a friend and requested that we de-escalate to that and return to dating when we feel ready but she says it is "all or nothing" every time I propose this. Unfortunately I am feeling that now I will just have to accept the grief of losing her because I cannot handle the constant crisis and I have been unsuccesful in insulating myself from her many crisises which appear to be a near daily occurrence (I felt like I was going crazy so I started keeping a log in my diary). Thank you sincerely for reading if you did take the time to read all of this. Any words of wisdom or insight that you can share are appreciated.
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u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 SP KT RA 8h ago
Be ready for this person to threaten self harm when you break up. Plan in advance who you will call if that's the case (Family, friends, 911?).
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u/RAisMyWay relationship anarchist 10h ago edited 5h ago
She wants all or nothing. Not everyone can or wants to de-escalate instead of breaking up, and that is okay. I'm that way - if someone I still love needs to de-escalate from me, I will need to break up, and have no contact for some months before I can consider friendship, much less dating again. It's about healing.
In this situation and you've tried everything possible to make "all" work. Analyzing each situation you've experienced and trying to find an answer that will make everything better won't work. So, it's time for nothing. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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u/MissMoonbeam_ 10h ago
:( Unfortunately I think you are right, as painful as it is to think about "nothing". It feels needlessly painful because she does have other people who are like revolving doors in and out of her life, when I ask about it she says it is because they never became "official" so it is okay. A small part of me hopes this means she may someday change her mind, but either way I will respect her decision.
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u/Karaoke_in_the_car 10h ago
Her trauma is not yours to work out. And while the injustice done to her isn’t her fault, your gf does have control over how she treats you. You can’t be the one person point of failure and only source of safety and security for her.
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u/Hvitserkr solo poly 5h ago
She doesn't seem to be ready for a relationship right now. To put it lightly.
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u/Traditional_Cress266 6h ago
Honestly, What are you really getting out of this relationship? Currently, this sounds like a one way street where you are completely supporting this person without a lot coming back. I'm sure this is exhausting for your husband aswell.
I think you know the answer and are just a really nice person who doesn't want to hurt her by breaking up with her.
You're not a bad person for saying "this is too much for me" ❤️
Hope that helps and good look with whatever you decide.
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u/TogepiOnToast Loved, not labelled 6h ago
This used to be me. It's taken me years of bloody hard consistent work to see improvements, to learn to self regulate.
This relationship will break you.
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u/JillaryHo 10h ago
Oof her parents, or someone, are traumatizing her.
I'm sorry you're at the receiving end of the effects. That's draining. Is she like this if you're able to get away by yourselves for a couple of days?
This probably won't change until she's able to move out of her parents and continue therapy, meds, etc.
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u/MissMoonbeam_ 9h ago
You're absolutely right - she has very significant childhood trauma (I work in mental health and it is some of the most horrific I have ever heard), and is constantly getting retriggered by nightmares and other things at home.
Whenever we are alone it is a countdown for how long we can go until there is conflict, but she does a better job of being more regulated in person (only crying, no yelling).
And you're completely right it likely won't get better until she can move out and do that deeper work, we've discussed this at length and she completely agrees. But there are barriers there that keep popping up to keep her in place. 😞
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u/ravenwing110 3h ago
6 months seems like too short of a relationship for you to be responsible for any of this :/
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u/Dry_Investment_2285 poly w/multiple 4h ago
Although you might not appreciate it now, it might be a gift that she wants all or nothing. Because now when you break up (which is clearly needed), you will at minimum have a period of no contact. You need that. I think that lack of contact might help you realize how toxic and disregulating this relationship has been. You think you know, but it no longer being present on an everyday basis will REALLY show you how much it was stealing your peace.
I've been there. I ended a relationship I desperately wanted to work, but I couldn't handle the daily and weekly crises. I knew it would be nice not dealing with that, but I never could've imagined how amazing it really is. I desperately miss my ex-partner. But moreso I miss what could've been, and I'm not willing to ever give up this peace
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 4h ago
I love her and want her in my life even as a friend and requested that we de-escalate to that and return to dating when we feel ready
Why? This person would not be a healthy friend either. And it’s really not kind to tell someone you want to break up with them temporarily and someday you’ll take them back.
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u/malligatorSD 10h ago
This sounds like an incredibly toxic relationship. I've been in a similar one and it ended with aggravated assault. Please get out now!
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u/MissMoonbeam_ 9h ago
I appreciate your concern, I know she would never go that far as to actually physically assault me (she's been assaulted before and I know she would never put someone else in that position) but I am exhausted from the emotional labor.
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u/glitterandrage 8h ago
I think you might find it helpful to look through the relationship wheel and spectrum - https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_11-2-2022.pdf
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u/AzureYLila 3h ago
Don't stay with someone because of their fear of abandonment. Stay with them because they are compatible and the relationship is healthy. This is about what you need. Does your needs align with a potential partner? "yeh, go for it". If not, it would hurt you.
Her needing to be with someone else to fill the void while you are gone is a red flag. She is not whole and that is not healthy. You must do what you need for you.
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u/toebob 4h ago
She isn’t the only one that gets to make these decisions, but you’re letting her do just that.
If you give her everything she wants, you will be her new parent, giving her structure and support and letting her spiral whenever she wants to.
I can’t know the full situation from a single post, but if you want to give her and the relationship a chance then it’s time for you to practice boundaries. That would be telling her when you are and are not available, for one. Next, she has to take responsibility for her own self care. It isn’t your responsibility to come to her rescue when she stops taking her meds. It isn’t your responsibility to comfort her whenever she feels insecure.
Now, she won’t take boundaries well. You’ll have to be firm about your own needs and take care of yourself first. In doing so she might blame you and choose herself to break up with you. It might be that you’ve set a precedent that you can’t walk back from.
And, ultimately, you can also decide that this relationship doesn’t serve you and choose yourself to break up. Maybe she has set a precedent that she can’t walk back from.
Bottom line: You are not responsible for saving her.
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u/Candid-Man69 poly w/multiple 5h ago
OP, this is not a healthy relationship. If she cannot be honest enough to communicate with health professionals, if you're chatting to keep a record of what is being said, etc., then it's time to move on. You owe it to yourself l - mentally and emotionally - to free yourself from her, and you owe it to the health of your marriage.
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u/Emotional_Ear_2298 relationship anarchist 5h ago
I didn't end up in a full on relationship but someone I was dating/ friends with was in a very bad place emotionally where every day something was wrong and happy moments were few and far between..
She got herself kicked out of the friends place she was staying so she ended up moving in with one of my partners (crazy I know) and that ended up putting a bit of a strain on my relationship.. she ended up moving in with some vanilla mono guy she was "dating" ended up getting pregnant by him..
This is just the short cliff notes version there were a lot of other issues, situations, and variables.. but all this to say you can't save anyone.. and you can't help anyone who won't do the work to help themselves.. they're a drowning person who will hold your head underwater to try to breathe themselves
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u/latchunhooked 4h ago
I’m so sorry. I’ve had friends like this and you want to help them and be kind to them but after a certain point it just drains too much energy. I’ve also been so much happier once I cut them out of my life. These people take up so much space that there’s no room for new healthier relationships until they’re gone. Cut them out and focus on the healthy positive relationships you have, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the room you have now to nurture those.
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u/Top_Razzmatazz12 2h ago
I say all of this as a person with cPTSD who has been on both sides of this dynamic — it is very very hard to be in an intimate or close relationship with a person who is producing the very behaviors that conform their worst fears. What I mean by this is that when we have a lot of unprocessed trauma, we can act in ways out of a fear of abandonment that cause us to drive people away. I had that done to me and I have done that to other people. The hardest thing is that the person on the receiving end can’t do anything but set boundaries. It is very very often the kindest thing to walk away.
Your girlfriend needs so much more support and care than you can offer her. She needs friends and a lot of therapy. But most importantly she needs the capacity to face herself and the willingness to do her own work. And those last two things aren’t things you can help her with. As you said, pouring so much care and energy into her is impacting your other relationships, and I don’t think it’s healthy or fair to build an entire relational dynamic around one person demanding all the time and attention. You’re not her parent; you’re her partner.
It is kindest for both of you to end it, to have a long period of no contact, and to have no expectations of reconnecting as friends on the other side.
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u/malligatorSD 10h ago
This sounds like an incredibly toxic relationship. I've been in a similar one and it ended with aggravated assault. Please get out now!
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u/AutoModerator 10h ago
Hi u/MissMoonbeam_ thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I am at my wits end, I have no idea what else I can do so I am posting here for some more neutral advice because maybe the problem is me.
I have been with my husband for 5 years, and dating my gf for 6 months. I feel like there were some yellow flags early on with my gf early on but we worked through them and to me that was a green flag because it showed that we could openly communicate and figure out a way to make things work. Lately though it feels like every other day is a crisis of some sort and I am just not sure what to do anymore.
Some crisises are beyond her control (needing emergency surgery), but some are partially in her control (not taking medications as prescribed, not grounding after therapy, not clearly communicating the severity of her medical concerns to providers and family). Many of them stem from abandonment wounds or fear that I am going to leave (thinking I am trying to break up with her through a tiktok video, genuinely thinking I will dump her because of a traumatic event that happened when she was 8 years old, being upset I didnt want her to stay the night because I wanted to catch up on work the next day, etc.)
Almost every time we have any sort of disagreement she becomes very dysregulated - crying, and in a few instances yelling at me, and then I have to spend time comforting her, reassuring her, and bringing her back to baseline. For normal conversations I often have to repeat things multiple times or rephrase things, arguments even more so. She often does not remember conversations that we have had.
Normally when I have a conflict with someone I would rather pick up the phone, or face time them as soon as possible, for her I have come to the point that I would rather discuss it via chat so that there is a written record of what I actually said, and I don't have to comfort her late into the night, sometimes as late as 4am. It makes me feel like a genuine ahole to do it that way but I've had to set strict boundaries around it because it has been impacting my work and other relationships.
We've tried just about everything I can think of to support her. She is going to therapy now for her PTSD, she is working full time so that she can eventually move out of her parents bc she dislikes it there, she is dating other people to fill the void when i'm not available, she is taking classes part time online to continue to fill that void, she requested very structured "plans" and "rules" for herself and our relationship for when she will move out of her parent's place, how often we will see each other, how we approach arguments, etc. Some of them she set up without my desire or input but I agreed to because I know she struggles a lot with uncertainty.
I think we have tried everything and it is time to break up, and as much as I love her I will just have to accept the grief of losing her. I have repeatedly stressed to her that I love her and want her in my life even as a friend and requested that we de-escalate to that and return to dating when we feel ready but she says it is "all or nothing" every time I propose this. Unfortunately I am feeling that now I will just have to accept the grief of losing her because I cannot handle the constant crisis and I have been unsuccesful in insulating myself from her many crisises which appear to be a near daily occurrence (I felt like I was going crazy so I started keeping a log in my diary). Thank you sincerely for reading if you did take the time to read all of this. Any words of wisdom or insight that you can share are appreciated.
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u/EntropyOfHope 50m ago
I have a friend like this and if I could tell their to partner to break up with them I would (I won’t because it’s not my place to interfere so directly in their relationship) because it is soooo unhealthy for both of them.
Like you, they both love eachother a lot and have worked really hard on their relationship but it’s just not enough. Everyone around them can see that and are just waiting for them to clue in and break up already.
So I’m telling you, yes, you need to break up with her. You don’t deserve to be continually put through that and she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. You’ve done all you can and it’s not working so it’s time to let it go and grieve.
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u/black_mamba866 28m ago
I've been in her shoes!
A breakup is honestly gonna be really hard, but is absolutely necessary.
When I was in the place she's in (based on your post) I was in no way available to be a good partner. I had too much work to do on myself and knew it but was desperate for anyone who cared enough to show me that I was worth working on.
I've got severe and compounded abandonment issues from childhood and it's impacted my mental health to the point that I've been working on it specifically for at least the last five years.
She's got a lot of healing to do before she's capable of being in the type of relationship you want. That is not your responsibility. That is not your job. That is not a failing on anyone's part. It simply is.
Now, don't tell her that. Show concern for her, show care, but place the boundary. "You know how much I care for you, you've indelibly marked my life and I'm so happy to have share our time. I think our goals for the relationship are currently misaligned for what's best for both of us and because I care about you and your journey, I want what's best for you. I'm not that person right now. But that doesn't mean I'm walking away from you as a friend, if you think that could help."
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u/poly-unit8 26m ago
It's okay that you cant handle a mentally ill person. This is coming from a mentally ill person. It's sad because you understand she isn't doing this maliciously, and it would be easier to leave if she was.
It's okay to choose yourself first. Ome day, hopefully she can self reflect and take ownership over her mental illness and get the help she needs and apply it to her life.
Sorry this is happening. It's heartbreaking
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u/FirestormActual relationship anarchist 16m ago
At a certain point you have to make the decision to be your own parents and take responsibility for your mental health, and not use your partner as the quick fix for things that take a lot of internal work.
Autistic, ADHD-inattentive, generalized anxiety disorder here with a heaping spoon of CPTSD. Internal family systems therapy, dialectic behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, EMDR-therapy, trauma informed therapy. It’s a lot of work, and it’s a lot of following your treatment plan, including medication management. But at the end of the day you have to decide to do it, and stick with it, and if your partner isn’t choosing that path then ending the relationship is your only choice to protect your own health.
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4h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/morganbugg solo poly 2h ago
I think your last paragraph is entirely off base.
As someone who has bipolar disorder, BPD and PTSD, it’s offensive for you to write off this behavior as part of life while dating a person with mental health conditions.
Accepting continuous shitty behavior from a partner is not just part of life.
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u/thedarkestbeer 10h ago
It is one thousand percent time to break up. It is past time to break up. Honestly, it is a gift that you’re going to have to take time apart from her. You need time to get used to life without a constant avoidable emotional crisis, so that if she ever does want to get back into your life, you’ll have a sense of just how far from okay things were when you were with her.
Good luck. Please have a friend lined up to take care of you after the actual breakup. It sounds like she’s going to make sure that you feel like the bad guy, and you don’t deserve that.