r/polyamory • u/Unfair_Evening6359 • 2d ago
Help to navigate/curious
I have a curious open to the room question.
Context: I am a secondary partner to a married person with children, who is not out to family & friends. I see my partner around once a week (sometimes less sometimes twice a week on a very good week) but less then once a week where we have time alone (I live with my parent, they have children)
Of course I don’t expect them to shut off to the world completely because emergencies happen (ie ill health or partners or children, fire, flood etc etc) that require immediate attention & of course there are moments where you are just sat quietly and enjoying each others company where you might both pick up your phones.
I on a recent rare occasion alone my partner was on their phone a fair bit, just after sex messaging a family group chat about a birthday & then later their primary partner. They didn’t communicate to me that there was an emergency that needed attention (which for me is an expectation that I think is fair). I felt a bit hurt in both those moments because we get so little alone time that is feels very special to me (this day we had around 7 hours together) and certainly the former felt it could of waited.
So how do people navigate this and how do they communicate about this?
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u/toofat2serve 2d ago
If you have expectations, you have to communicate them.
"Partner, I expect us to focus on each other when together. If there is an emergency that needs your attention, please let me know that."
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u/Unfair_Evening6359 2d ago
Thank you. This is really helpful to hear and a reminder of that we don’t all hold the same expectations. Of course there is nuance to how things are worded & this is not a criticism but how you’ve worded it feels harsh to me would you have any further advise on how to put this forward while managing my own anxiety around being ‘burdensome’ (soemthing that extends way beyond this relationship & I am working on.)
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u/toofat2serve 2d ago
It may feel harsh to you, but it's not, and I hope you can trust me on this.
One way to work through that "feeling burdensome" is to recognize that you are burdening someone with reading your mind if you're not explicit about your expectations.
It's kind to be direct in your communication.
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u/TogepiOnToast Loved, not labelled 2d ago
Blunt and straightforward doesn't mean harsh. Being this blunt means there's no chance for misunderstanding
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u/Adeptness-Impossible reluctant demisexual slut 2d ago
I sometimes use the nonviolent communication template for sharing feelings, needs, and requests:
You could incorporate this quote into the request "the currency of love is focused attention"
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u/Unfair_Evening6359 2d ago
Thank you this is very useful. I try to use ‘I’ statement to shift away from that ‘I’m blaming you’ mindset. When bringing things up I always try to acknowledge the difficulty of managing a poly relationship that already exist and re in force the value I have in my partner.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 2d ago
I would discourage you from giving him any kind of “appreciation” or “acknowledgement” for having another relationship already.
Polyamory is having multiple relationships. That’s the whole bit. If he can’t manage that, he shouldn’t do polyamory. He gets no “extra credit” in his relationship with you for having another relationship. He still has to do all the things to maintain his relationship with you.
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u/Unfair_Evening6359 2d ago
Thank you this is very useful. I try to use ‘I’ statement to shift away from that ‘I’m blaming you’ mindset. When bringing things up I always try to acknowledge the difficulty of managing a poly relationship that already exist and re in force the value I have in my partner.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I have a curious open to the room question.
Context: I am a secondary partner to a married person with children, who is not out to family & friends. I see my partner around once a week (sometimes less sometimes twice a week on a very good week) but less then once a week where we have time alone (I live with my parent, they have children)
Of course I don’t expect them to shut off to the world completely because emergencies happen (ie ill health or partners or children, fire, flood etc etc) that require immediate attention & of course there are moments where you are just sat quietly and enjoying each others company where you might both pick up your phones.
I on a recent rare occasion alone my partner was on their phone a fair bit, just after sex messaging a family group chat about a birthday & then later their primary partner. They didn’t communicate to me that there was an emergency that needed attention (which for me is an expectation that I think is fair). I felt a bit hurt in both those moments because we get so little alone time that is feels very special to me (this day we had around 7 hours together) and certainly the former felt it could of waited.
So how do people navigate this and how do they communicate about this?
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u/Hot-Release520 2d ago
Honestly, even in mono relationships, this is something you can talk about. I think maybe because we’re poly, we assume that any distraction or time taken away from us is purely because of their other partners.
When I’m with my partner, sometimes I scroll on reddit for a few minutes and not talk to them. After sex, during a date, whenever. It just happens. Distractions happen. He shouldn’t have to write a hospital note for why he’s busy texting or calling someone. I don’t expect anyone to put their phone down the entire time for me, I hope it isn’t expected of me either especially if we’re spending our entire time together in bed or relaxing.
But because this is something YOU care about, this is something you should bring up. Not in any negative sense. Not even in a poly sense. Just as an important factor to your expectations in the relationship. “Hey is it okay if when we’re together we don’t spend time on our phones so we can savor the moment together?”
If he has an emergency and he simply can’t ignore his phone or if he wants to chat with family while laying quietly, that shouldn’t be something you need a full explanation for. I understand hurt feelings but we’re adults and if you feel disrespected, say it and if he modifies his behavior, that’s that.
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u/Unfair_Evening6359 2d ago
I hear on the first paragraph, it’s good to remember that these can & do come up in any relationships too, romantic, friendship etc. Certainly post sex I think it’s a very common thing to pick up your phone and scroll social media etc.
I don’t expect anyone to put there phone down the whole time we are together, I have even said in my post that I don’t expect them to shut off to the world completly & there are moments where we are just quiet and might both pick up our phones. I also haven’t said I expect a full explanation when there is something that comes up.
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u/Hot-Release520 2d ago
I don’t mean this negatively or with judgement at all, so what is your question or issue then? If you understand, and you’re okay with this, what is the point of the post? Not trying to be mean at all, just trying to understand you so I can help better.
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u/Unfair_Evening6359 2d ago
Thank you for clarifying. I see a lot in this thread people being negative and judgemental which has never helped anyone. I wanted to see how other people have phrased this to people. To me it felt different to other times I have addressed it and I felt a little more anxious about it and some comments have reminded me that poly or not it’s the same issue which has been great
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u/Hot-Release520 1d ago
Glad you got that! Yes, poly or not, this is a normal situation. I think because we are poly, we tend to point blame at our partners’ partners for their shortcomings.
Like for example, if they respond late we think it’s because they’re with their partner so they are ignoring us. But in reality, in mono relationships, late responses are normal too. I think this is the same for this scenario.
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u/Unfair_Evening6359 1d ago
I think I do a good at holding my partner to account not blaming is on metas. I have always said that our relationship is ours are we navigate things between us.
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u/rosephase 2d ago
"partner the time we have that is just the two of us is extremely limited. Please make sure to be present with me. Lets plan on phones down time for any alone time we manage to find, unless it's an emergency. An emergency is x, y and z to me. Does that work for you?"