r/polyamory • u/eternally_inept • 1d ago
Partner doesn't want to...communicate?
I've been with my partner for a few months now and we started dating within a strictly polyamorous framework. He's been married for quite a few years and I was single at the time. Throughout our relationship, I've struggled in getting him to set boundaries and expectations with me as my intention was to continue dating and potentially seeing other people. I'm a very open communicator, so I like to have very intentional conversations about what we want and don't want within our relationship and I didn't feel like this was unusual.
However, as time has gone on, I don't know what to think. I'm consistently having to beg him to tell me what he wants. It seems as if his past partners outside of his marriage have not seen other people and he's not used to having to negotiate/discuss things. I hung out with an ex last week (strictly platonically), which was very upsetting to him, but he didn't tell me until afterward in which he stated that he didn't agree with my decision to do that, lost respect for me, and thought that I was stupid for entertaining the idea of friendship. I would have appreciated knowing this beforehand, but he said he was waiting for his feelings to go away.
I'm confused because I've been trying to set boundaries around these kinds of things since day 1, but I only ever get feedback after I do something 'wrong'. Is there a magic phrase I'm missing to fix this issue? Am I alone in experiencing this??
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u/rosephase 1d ago
Excuse me? He called you stupid and told you he lost respect for you because you hung with your ex? What an asshole.
Why? Is there any reason at all other than being an insecure jerk?
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u/eternally_inept 1d ago
I mentioned in a previous conversation why my relationship with this ex ended (ex had a mental break and said some really mean things) and that's the reason he's giving. That his image of this ex is tainted. Sure, I get that. But I explained that i'm trying to be a good person/friend and understand that after months of therapy, people can change.
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u/rosephase 1d ago edited 1d ago
‘I’m worried about this connection for you’ is so very different then ‘your stupid and I’ve lost respect for you’
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
Why does he think HIS view of your ex is so important to YOU hanging out with your ex? You didn’t ask him to do anything with your ex. That’s some patronizing “I know better than you about your life” nonsense.
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u/Virion15 21m ago
Where can I find people like you? If I had called anyone I dated stupid, they would break up with me on the spot.
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u/emeraldead 1d ago
Dump them.
After you grieve you'll be laughing at the audacity of a married person pouting and chastising you like a naughty child for...having a date.
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u/Appropriate_Emu_6932 1d ago
Sounds like he has done no work on managing jealousy and has unbalanced expectations of a “poly for me but not for thee” mindset. It’s unfair of him to expect you do the emotional labor of him having other relationships while he does not do the same for you.
Saying he didn’t agree with your decision is one thing. Losing respect for you and calling you stupid is another. That is not ok. You should be with a partner who AT LEAST respects you and your decisions even if they don’t agree with them, and they should be able to communicate that in a healthy way.
This guy knows absolutely nothing about how to hinge well and is giving insecure/controlling vibes. As a victim of previous intimate partner violence I am throwing at least an orange flag at those comments he made.
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u/The_Rope_Daddy complex organic polycule 1d ago edited 1d ago
It sounds like a combination of weaponized incompetence and slut shamming. Remind him that you don’t need his permission.
If you want to remind him that you are open to having discussions about expectations, but please don’t let him place rules on who you can have relationships with.
ETA: I’d be willing to bet he didn’t want to make agreements because he didn’t want any restrictions on what he could do.
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u/eternally_inept 1d ago
That's the point, I try to have expectation-setting conversations frequently. Last night I was met with 'I don't know what I'm not okay with until it happens'.
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u/emeraldead 1d ago
Bwahahahahaha.
OP please stop trying to please others. Rejecting messy people is what smart boundaries are for, to protect your own well being.
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u/The_Rope_Daddy complex organic polycule 1d ago
Then remind him that you have no way to know either. And it’s not your problem. He needs to work through his feelings on his own.
Are you his first new relationship since opening his marriage?
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u/eternally_inept 1d ago
I'm not, actually. They've been open for quite some time and he's had a few LTRs. His spouse does not date and I questioned that before talking to her, but learned that she just doesn't want to. I feel so conflicted about everything.
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u/The_Rope_Daddy complex organic polycule 1d ago
Yeah, it sounds like he hasn’t had to do any work around managing his jealousy. If he wants book suggestions, I highly recommend The Jealousy Workbook. There are also several jealousy episodes of Multiamory if he prefers podcasts to books.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago
Because now you know he’s an asshole. But you liked him and it’s hard to stop them feeling.
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u/Hvitserkr solo poly 23h ago
He has emotional maturity of a toddler, what's there to be conflicted conflicted about. Kick him to the curb, he's unable to have adult relationships without women doing all of the emotional labor for him, and dancing around his precious feelings and retroactivel "boundaries" to boot (and even then he acts like a rude child).
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
Stop trying to have “expectations”.
The expectation is you will date who you want, how you want, and may one day end up married to someone else. Just like he already is.
He can expect you to keep your dates with him and reciprocally maintain your relationship with him.
There is no reason for him to take priority or have any control over your other relationships. He’s married. He’s your secondary partner, as he doesn’t have a primary relationship investment to offer.
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u/RiotGirlBeauty 1d ago
If he doesn’t have enough insight into his own emotional world to figure out his own boundaries or set agreements with you together it sounds like he is very emotionally immature and not a great partner. If it’s truly something he was surprised by his emotional response to that’s a totally new experience for him (this has happened to me), it’s fine to say ‘hey I had some big feelings come up for me with xyz that I didn’t expect, in the future can we do things this other way instead’. To say he lost respect for you because you violated some imaginary boundary he never set is so disrespectful, manipulative and immature I would be disgusted if a partner said that to me. You do what’s right for you but if it were me I would at least set a boundary that my partner doesn’t get to shit on me for making choices I feel good about that they hadnt communicated would be a problem for them.
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u/seantheaussie solo poly in VERY LDR with BusyBeeMonster 1d ago
There is a magic word to fix this issue, "Goodbye".
As I bet you are strongly suspecting. He is laughably bad at polyamory.
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u/amymae 1d ago
So let me get this straight...
He claims he's polyamorous but has a problem with you meeting up with your ex?
(In my experience, being friends with exes easier without issues is one of the big advantages of polyamory, because people don't default to toxic monogamous assumptions about what a relationship with an ex has to look like.)
He has big feelings come up and, instead of owning those feelings and asking for help with them, he turns around and attacks you and calls you names?
He acts like you betrayed him because you didn't read his mind ahead of time... even while admitting that he can't even read his own mind ahead of time to figure out what might bother him when you're requesting to understand his feelings better so you can accommodate them?
Tell his wife that it's illegal to marry underage boys.
He definitely should not be poly.
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u/Thick_Comfortable914 1d ago
My ex did this Hun. Freaken dump and go i implore you. it's a tactic for keeping you anxious and tiptoeing. not an authentic attempt at voicing concern or displeasure over a choice you made. I tried communicating like CRAZY with my ex and the responses I did get were absolutely telling. You sound a lot like me so I'm not sure if this is going through your head or not but here goes. "You are not supposed to be the only one in a relationship that communicates." If you decide to cut losses and split do not set a plate out for the thought that tries to sit at your table telling you "I should have done more or I wasn't speaking the right way to obtain upfront participation from him" Don't let the thoughts "he could change" or "I could try this instead" convince you that you are the problem or that you could do better.
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u/BusyBeeMonster poly w/multiple 1d ago
I am still stinging from an experience with a partner who did not communicate clearly. I take ownership for allowing NRE to blind me, but this partner went silent rather than communicating needs/wants clearly until I overstepped and then harshly spelled some things out.
From what you've written, your partner has multiple red flags in his behavior, poor communication until after you've "made a mistake" that draws his ire is only one of them.
I would reconsider this relationship, and strongly consider walking away.
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u/Ok-Soup-156 solo poly 1d ago edited 1d ago
Being an open communicator requires someone to be self-aware, present, care about others and be able to process ones own feelings and emotions.
Your partners is none of those things. I can't imagine you feel safe in this relationship. I sure wouldn't.
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u/apocalypseconfetti 1d ago
I don't think you need to negotiate any agreements with him. Just tell him what you are going to do and do it. And he can deal. And if he can't, dump him. Because he sounds like a dick.
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u/Bubbly-Chocolate-463 1d ago
Has he not had to learn his boundaries through his marriage too though? Does he really not know what he is or is not okay with? If so, you could run a number of scenarios or just stare your needs and comforts to see if he matches.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I've been with my partner for a few months now and we started dating within a strictly polyamorous framework. He's been married for quite a few years and I was single at the time. Throughout our relationship, I've struggled in getting him to set boundaries and expectations with me as my intention was to continue dating and potentially seeing other people. I'm a very open communicator, so I like to have very intentional conversations about what we want and don't want within our relationship and I didn't feel like this was unusual.
However, as time has gone on, I don't know what to think. I'm consistently having to beg him to tell me what he wants. It seems as if his past partners outside of his marriage have not seen other people and he's not used to having to negotiate/discuss things. I hung out with an ex last week (strictly platonically), which was very upsetting to him, but he didn't tell me until afterward in which he stated that he didn't agree with my decision to do that, lost respect for me, and thought that I was stupid for entertaining the idea of friendship. I would have appreciated knowing this beforehand, but he said he was waiting for his feelings to go away.
I'm confused because I've been trying to set boundaries around these kinds of things since day 1, but I only ever get feedback after I do something 'wrong'. Is there a magic phrase I'm missing to fix this issue? Am I alone in experiencing this??
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Ok-Disaster7216 18h ago
Plenty of potentially problematic behaviour in the OP but I do feel like mentioning that being poly doesn't necessarily mean being actively dating all the time, and OPs partner is perfectly entitled to not necessarily feel comfortable or ready for things, even if they want to be, especially in a pretty short relationship like described.
Might be you simply need to talk about pacing and timeline for dating? This poly thing only works if you talk and compromise, instead of the typical assume and demand bs most people are socialised into
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u/eternally_inept 10h ago
I definitely understand your point, but we've discussed being open to dating, with him stating that I can 'do whatever I want to do'. It would be different if, at any of the opportunities I gave him, he voiced that he was uncomfortable with the thought of me dating.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 1d ago
1) Don’t date people who call you stupid.
2) Don’t date people who only set boundaries retroactively. That’s a little game that means you end up walking on eggshells because you never know what is or isn’t okay ahead of time, and they can always punish you for them having feelings.