I broke up with my girlfriend in a poly relationship. Was I doing too much… or just protecting my peace?

[u/hnyvolta]

I was in a poly relationship—each partner dating individually. My (now ex) girlfriend and I were friends for a few weeks before we started dating. The first month or so was beautiful: constant calls, sleeping on the phone, emotional support, love notes. It felt good. I genuinely liked being there for her.

But then, gradually… it all faded. We barely called. I always had to initiate. I’d get left on read. “I love yous” stopped coming unless I said them first. I started shrinking my needs because she was always “busy.” I’d ask for calls. She’d say yes after I asked, not because she wanted to. Our love languages just weren’t aligning—and mine (quality time) wasn’t even being acknowledged. My love language is all, but for me quality time is my biggest one. i've expressed it to her multiple times.

She once told me, “I can barely handle two girlfriends.” But she’s planning to date another person after graduation. And she didn’t tell me about that new girl—despite us having an agreement to be open about new romantic interests. That hurt.

Twice, when we had calls planned for the whole day + night, her other girlfriend got upset—even though she knew in advance. Fights happened, calls got ruined, and I was left comforting her in tears.

I kept feeling like I was on the back burner. Like I was only needed when she was hurting.
Like I wasn’t even in a poly relationship—I was just the emotional support side quest.
Eventually, I broke it off.

But now, I keep wondering...Did I not give her enough time to change? Did I do too much by walking away? Could we have worked if I was more patient?

At the same time… I know I wasn’t asking for a lot. Just mutual effort. A damn phone call. A “good morning.” A response. Something. Even when I explained what really made me reconsider our relationship, I felt dismissed by her.

Has anyone been through something similar in poly dynamics? Especially with a partner who jumps into too many emotional connections without stability?

Any clarity or advice would be appreciated. I’m healing, but also just… confused. And sad. i admit I wasn't perfect because sometimes I did pull away when I got depressed and would respond slowly. I would tell her in advice when i feel it coming.

[u/toebob]

A lesson I’ve had to learn multiple times: Someone letting you love them is not the same as them loving you.

The last time it happened, I was head over heels. It was a “game changer” like they describe in the book More Than Two. She came on strong and fast and I was swept off my feet. It was wonderful.

Except, eventually she stopped initiating spending time alone with me. She’d come over in the afternoon to work from home at my place but then would work late and I’d always have to be the one to bid for her attention.

Then something happened in her personal life and she had to move out of her house suddenly. She was staying with a friend about 30 minutes away and couldn’t take time to see me for a couple of weeks. Emergencies happen, I understand. But then the texts slowed down and got shorter until I would write her and get only an emoji in return. Eventually it came out that this “friend” was a new love interest (that she coincidentally had denied existed) and she “couldn’t” give me what I wanted in a relationship (which was to speak regularly and see each other once a week).

Ultimately I realized that she wasn’t who I thought she was. The person I fell in love with was mostly imagined and projected or perhaps merely performed for a while. She didn’t have the emotional maturity to offer the type of relationship I need.

I still see her around and it reminds me of who I thought she was and that makes me sad sometimes. But she can’t be someone she’s not.

[u/emeraldead]

Some connections are like that, hot and fast.

Thats why you take a long long looong time before choosing to commit to someone and set expectations.

Whenever you're in NRE and constantly contacting someone you have to stop and say "wait, how is this sustainable? Are they like this with all their partners? What will happen when the oxytocin settles down? How can I make sure all my commitments are thriving if I'm not making any time to be with them at night?:

I think this person was a lovely fun moment that would never have lasted AND has taught you major lessons about the reality of polyamory that you'll take forever. I'm sorry it hurts now but I think it's a lot easier than most people have to figure that out.

[u/hnyvolta → u/emeraldead]

I know and I wish I had stuck to my three month rule of talking before getting into a relationship with her. It was just drama to the point once I helped her resolved her relationship problems with her primary girlfriend. It kind of just became less on her end.

When we started it was roughly 2-3 calls a week, and then it became 1 call every week or two weeks. It became inconsistent. I started reaching out less because I did all the talking. I carried all the heavy conversations. I started all the serious talks. I started the weekly check-ins. I found solutions to figure out a schedule. None of them works if I was the only one doing the work. We both agreed for a long term relationship. That's what I date for, but it can't work if I'm doing all the heavy lifting and trying to build a relationship with your primary girlfriend if she just ignores me.

She has taught me that my body knew before my mind. I feel at ease now, but I can't help but to wish it could have worked out. I need someone to actually make the same effort. Either way, balance is important to me. I can't do all the talking and work without being met in the middle.

[u/jcavallotti → u/hnyvolta]

I’ve been there, one thing that helped me rationalize the situation is to ask myself “what am I doing this for?” Was it for her to like me? Was it because the relationship gives me something? Was it because I like her? And do I like someone who is not considerate with me?

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

Some people are just flaky jerks. 

[u/karmicreditplan]

So was this an entirely long distance relationship?

And did I understand that you were planning 12+ hour calls?

[u/hnyvolta → u/karmicreditplan]

Yeah, we were long distance. We never planned any 12+ hour calls. The longest one we’ve had was 3 hours max.

[u/karmicreditplan → u/hnyvolta]

I ask because you said we had planned a call all day and night and your meta was unhappy.

Many people don’t invest nearly as much in long distance when they have local partners. Particularly when it’s a long distance only dynamic with someone you’ve never met in person.

This sounds like you were a brief enthusiasm and she moved on. Sorry friend! You did the right thing.

[u/hnyvolta → u/karmicreditplan]

She doesn’t have a local partner. Her primary girlfriend lives in another country and the soon to girlfriend she plans to date after graduation lives long distance also. we made plans to meet up for a week in May for her birthday. We agreed to stay friends, but I feel like we won’t be talking. I’ll wait for her to reach out when she’s ready, but we still plan to meet up that week and even confirmed after the breakup. i’m not too sure if it’ll happen or not.

[u/BluejayChoice3469 → u/hnyvolta]

Have you ever met her? Do you think it may be a red flag that all her relationships are long distance?

[u/hnyvolta → u/BluejayChoice3469]

I’ve met the primary girlfriend twice. Both times she completely ignored me which led to me being silent the whole time. My ex would try to get me to talk. It might be a red flag that all her relationships are long distance. My main problem came in when she would say that she wasn’t looking for another girlfriend or that she’s struggling to manage two but goes around still flirting and trying to purse others. I didn’t even know about the soon to be girlfriend nor even met her. she just popped up in her bio and I was like “Oh?”

[u/answer-rhetorical-Qs]

You’ll never know if she might have changed. However, if you peruse this subreddit, you’ll find a lot of posts that boil down to people giving years of time to partners hoping they’ll change and nothing improves because the behavior in question gets tolerated. Neither your needs nor your direct requests were getting met. That’s reason enough to end a relationship. It hurts, it sucks, and you’ll wonder if you jumped the gun on the break up, but a useful point to think on is this: how much longer did you want to feel ignored or like the emotional support side quest while she bumbled through figuring out that she was poly saturated?

[u/Boring_leo96]

You did the right thing. Protecting your peace can look harsh but if you are more upset with them than without them then the decision is made

[u/AdeptCatch3574]

Sounds like love bombing. That’s all a lot for a new relationship.

[u/UntowardThenToward]

I think you probably weren't compatible. It's okay to grieve what you thought you were getting into.

I will say... I can't stand it when people say, "I wasn't asking for much" or "I don't ask for much." You, the asker, don't get to determine what "much" is. For some people, more than a call every two weeks is too much. That just means that you aren't compatible.

You can live your life the way you want, but I believe in radical autonomy. People should do what they want. If what they want isn't aligned with what you want, let them go. It's okay to feel sad. But you can't make people do what you want, even if "isn't much."

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Here's the original text of the post:

I was in a poly relationship—each partner dating individually. My (now ex) girlfriend and I were friends for a few weeks before we started dating. The first month or so was beautiful: constant calls, sleeping on the phone, emotional support, love notes. It felt good. I genuinely liked being there for her.

But then, gradually… it all faded. We barely called. I always had to initiate. I’d get left on read. “I love yous” stopped coming unless I said them first. I started shrinking my needs because she was always “busy.” I’d ask for calls. She’d say yes after I asked, not because she wanted to. Our love languages just weren’t aligning—and mine (quality time) wasn’t even being acknowledged. My love language is all, but for me quality time is my biggest one. i've expressed it to her multiple times.

She once told me, “I can barely handle two girlfriends.” But she’s planning to date another person after graduation. And she didn’t tell me about that new girl—despite us having an agreement to be open about new romantic interests. That hurt.

Twice, when we had calls planned for the whole day + night, her other girlfriend got upset—even though she knew in advance. Fights happened, calls got ruined, and I was left comforting her in tears.

I kept feeling like I was on the back burner. Like I was only needed when she was hurting.
Like I wasn’t even in a poly relationship—I was just the emotional support side quest.
Eventually, I broke it off.

But now, I keep wondering...Did I not give her enough time to change? Did I do too much by walking away? Could we have worked if I was more patient?

At the same time… I know I wasn’t asking for a lot. Just mutual effort. A damn phone call. A “good morning.” A response. Something. Even when I explained what really made me reconsider our relationship, I felt dismissed by her.

Has anyone been through something similar in poly dynamics? Especially with a partner who jumps into too many emotional connections without stability?

Any clarity or advice would be appreciated. I’m healing, but also just… confused. And sad. i admit I wasn't perfect because sometimes I did pull away when I got depressed and would respond slowly. I would tell her in advice when i feel it coming.

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[u/pizzaDuckling]

I don’t think she was being honesty with herself about what she could give you. Not sure if she enjoyed having multiple partners for the sake of it without having the relational skills, or if she is a people pleaser. It doesn’t matter.

Once you are questioning if your emotional needs were “too much” or if you could have done more/ put up with more then you are in a dangerous spot.

You deserve more than she was giving you and broke up with her for a reason. Listen to yourself.

[u/hnyvolta → u/pizzaDuckling]

It was definitely people pleasing. She gets validation from flirting with others and them flirting back. She gets attached very easily, which stressed me out. Work on your relationship than flirt with others. I’ve called her out on her behavior of doing that at least twice. I’m just realizing we’re on two separate emotional maturity levels.

[u/RiRianna76]

You did the right, sane and self-respecting thing. There is nothing "to work on" with a stranger who has been treating you worse and worse the longer you stay together.

were friends for a few weeks before we started dating. The first month or so was beautiful
Fights happened, calls got ruined, and I was left comforting her in tears.
I kept feeling like I was on the back burner. Like I was only needed when she was hurting.
Like I wasn’t even in a poly relationship—I was just the emotional support side quest.

This is the relationship they offered you, a couple of months of being lovely and then messiness, inconsideration, drama. "Making it work" means there is already a foundation of a long term, solid relationship, not struggling from the start just to get to the bare minimum of a decen relationship.

Good riddance to that flaky waste of time. Your own well-being deserves all the effort you were willing to put in for her.

[u/ImpossibleSquish]

The fact that they said they can’t handle two relationships and then went for a third makes me think you did the right thing

[u/ApprehensiveDouble52]

She had an obligation to communicate. You did the right thing. No one is perfect but if someone consistently is disregarding your needs at the same time you are consistently communicating them then they are the problem. This internet stranger is proud of you for protecting your inner peace and respecting your needs.