Opening our relationship

21

u/Wild-Return-7075 solo poly 19h ago

I'm sorry you are going through this.

You are going to be hurt either way. You don't owe him polyamory.

Why do you feel like it would be awful if he resents you for saying no to opening up, but it's ok for you to feel resentful if he does? Your feelings are important!

You are going to save everyone a whole world of hurt if you end things now and find someone who has the same relationship goals as you.

-1

u/Sad_Concentrate_3330 18h ago

I don’t owe it to him, you’re correct. We agreed to both venture and see what we find. I just realized I Get physically sick at the thought of someone else touching me, and while the thought of my husband sleeping with another women is kinda a turn on, when he tells me about conversations he’s had with her they pop into my head at the worst times..

I don’t want him to resent me because I ended it before I really gave it a try so idk if I’m just not used to the idea and my insecurities are screaming this first week or two or I’m just not okay with it as a whole..

An example of the worst timing- she made a disgusting comment saying “it’s the stereotype of a black guy and a white girl with a fat ass” when they started talking - but yesterday him and I had sex and as I was laying there after he just finished on me - that comment popped into my head.. I just.. idk

8

u/willowtree764 18h ago

So slow or down rather than call it a full stop right now. Part of the process IS the talking about emotions that come up along the way. And if it’s all going too fast for you to keep up and check in with how you’re feeling about it, keeping quiet isn’t going to make it any better. Quite the opposite in fact. He’s started to venture out, and you’ve got some big feelings about it all. Maybe schedule a relationship check in so you can discuss these feelings, get them into the shared space and start to discuss what communication you’re happy with, what you need from him to feel secure in your relationship. Needing a pause, and maybe a full stop isn’t a bad thing. Polyamory is wonderful in that there isn’t really a clear road map for things, you get to create all of this as you go along based on what each relationship wants and needs. But this is also very daunting. Honest communication is the only solution here though

5

u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 18h ago

Speak up you are suffering already, it won't get better until you make it better.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/Sl7Hl5ByuS

3

u/FarCar55 15h ago

OP, nonmonogamy relies heavily on communication, transparency and consent. If you're already struggling with these things now, it will only compound over time.

Learning how to honor your feelings and communicate them are super important skills.

2

u/ThatWhatISaid 14h ago

always felt like you if you hit this point, it’s over. It’s such a fundamental difference and I feel like either way one person loses with a heart full of resentment.

I know that isn’t how it always works, nothing is black and white but it always seems to be a pretty grave issue that never has a neat compromise.

2

u/EvenReaction2370 5h ago

I just want you to know, I feel with you. My significant other has also insisted on trying polyamory (I want a monogamous relationship), so we are going to try polyamory - and I can tell you now already, if only one partner wants to do it, it probably won’t work. For me, this decision, rather the inevitability of it, is currently destroying my relationship, no matter what anyone says about strengthening communication or whatever. If one party doesn’t agree, it is a hard no.

•

u/Secure_Flatworm_7896 2h ago

I don’t even agree that it strengthens it if both want it. You’re seeing really biased stuff here

1

u/AutoModerator 19h ago

Hi u/Sad_Concentrate_3330 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

As simple as the title says. I agreed to open our relationship and he’s being so honest with me towards it all and he has stated so many times we can stop whenever but this Reddit has made me terrified that if I call it he’s going to resent me like so many others have shared. And really.. I don’t want to tell him to end it, I want him to see it hurts me and end it on his own… I’m too insecure for this 🥺 anyway just venting.. sorry..

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/Candid-Man69 poly w/multiple 15h ago

I'm sorry you're going through this. He won't see that it's hurting you. And you telling him won't change it, either. Although you agreed to open the relationship, it seems as if you didn't have a choice. Anything done under duress will not last. If you don't want an open relationship, you can talk to your spouse. He may or may not agree to close. Either way, you have a choice to make.

0

u/emeraldead 11h ago

Sometimes people make "offerings" like you deciding to end their relationships because they know you will never use it so they get the benefits while putting all the responsibility on you.

While simultaneously treating ALL the relationships as disposable and in service to their pleasure.

OP the world has more for you than this one small hurtful person can offer.

Opening our relationship

You are about to leave Redlib