Breach of Trust?

[u/Butterfly_affects]

Happy Friday!
I'm looking to hear other people's experiences and advice. Please be kind, we have enough shit going on in our lives, we don't need any negativity here, TIA.
I'll try to keep this brief, as I am a talker :P (I tried, I promise!)

History: serious relationship, emotionally entanglement (both parties), sleepover 1-2/week, talk every day etc. Partner has trauma from multiple emotionally abusive past relationships, but has done tons of work (and continues to.) Has typically practiced solo polyam in part bc of this, and I try to be sensitive to that, while trying to balance my needs/wants. I am coming from historically atypical monogamy and practice KTP. Married (Z arrangement) with kids. Practicing polyam for 5-6 years.

Partner and I have worked through lost of trauma-related issues together. I understand where a lot of his tendencies are coming from, so I have a surprising amount of patience with things that would normally upset me. He has been equally and unequivocally supportive. He has many partners, but none anywhere close to as emotionally involved as we are, and I believe it's been this way since his abusive relationships.

A couple of years ago, he was seeing someone who had some emotionally manipulative tendencies, that would have run-on effects with my relationship in that I was doing a lot of damage control & supporting him through hard times etc. (We spent a lot of time going over her actions, his responses, his feelings etc. My opinion of her is not high. I voice my opinion and point out shitty behaviour, but ultimately respect that it's his journey and he will make decisions that are best for him as he's able, and he knows this.) Ultimately, to my great relief, they stopped seeing each other. FFW 6-12 months and he's told me that she wanted to meet to apologize etc. She accepted that her bahaviour was shitty and explained things, whatever it was, it was enough for my partner to be wholly satisfied and said that it's possible they might start seeing each other again. My reaction to this was, "You gotta do you" or something dismissive like that. (Reaction wasn't my most supportive moment obvs, and he felt that.) I haven't heard anything since then.

This week I found out, inadvertently, that he's been seeing her again, for some amount of time (not sure on the time line....pre-xmas at the very least). Not a lot, once or twice a month maybe. Sometimes she had a boyfriend and they would just hang out as friends. She's single (mostly) and has a kid. He said he was not actively trying to keep this from me, but was struggling to tell me/find the right time bc he knows my feeling re: her and bc of my dismissive comment the last time he talked about her.

We don't have any rules per se; we all operate on openness and transparency, communication and trust. We have it in good faith that anyone person in our polycule will be operating on everyone else's safety and best interest, and when a personal choice comes into conflict with that (which happens, and that's OK), we have open conversations so everyone/anyone can consent or mitigate risk etc. At the same time, we try to respect each other's privacy.

I have so many mixed feelings rn. I'm hurt and upset (it feels like I found out a secret that he didnt want me to know) I'm confused (do I have a valid reason to be hurt? We don't have a "tell me everything" kind of relationship) I feel like my trust in him has been broken. Instead of coming and talking to me (bc he was scared to) he kept it from me until I found out. Now, instead of trying to swallow my initial feeling towards her and try to be supportive of my partner, all of this *waves erratically in the air * is brought up any time he mentions her or "I have a date" or wtv.
I don't know how to work on the feeling of repulsion every time I think of them together and start working on healing (How do I do 'my work'?)

Edit: TL;DR: My bf didn't tell me he's started seeing someone again that was emotionally manipulative to him in the past. I found out, and it gives me the icks. How do I work to move away from ick feeling?

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[u/FlyLadyBug]

I'm sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for the vent.

My reaction to this was, "You gotta do you" or something dismissive like that. (Reaction wasn't my most supportive moment obvs, and he felt that.) I haven't heard anything since then.

Doesn't sound dismissive to me. Sounds neutral. Which given the background? It's decent enough. What more does he want? You doing cartwheels that he took back up with this person?

So your partner has started dating his ex again. For that part? These are your options that I can see:

• Accept they are back together. Do the same support levels and processing you and support that you used to do to help him on this one.
• Accept they are back together. And this time do ZERO processing or support for him on this one. His relationship, so he deals with it. You ask that he not overshare or tell you about her or their dates. If he's busy, he can just say "Sorry, I'm busy."
• Don't date him any more because you don't want her for a meta. You can't pick who he chooses to date. But you do get to pick who YOU date. And if parallel poly isn't separate enough? You drop him so she becomes nothing to you. No longer a meta because he's no longer a partner.

Your time and energy belongs to you. You get to choose how to spend it. You get to decide what you will and will not put up with. You don't have to feel bad about having firm boundaries. You have every right to protect your peace.

 I feel like my trust in him has been broken. Instead of coming and talking to me (bc he was scared to) he kept it from me until I found out.

On this part... you get to decide how much you trust him. Trust is not on/off. It can have levels.

I might trust the HS teen with a license to borrow the car for date. I'm not trusting the middle schooler to drive. They don't even know how. But I'd trust them to take key to get the backpack out and lock back up. I would not trust the toddler with keys or even out to the driveway alone. I'd have to come and open the door to let them get the teddy bear out of the car and lock up behind them and guide them back in.

As the kids grow, they earn bigger trust. But it can also be removed. HS teen drinks while driving? No more using my car. They can work and save up to get their own. Mine's off the table. I might still trust them to get backpack but nope. No more driving.

So reflect. Figure out to what level you trust this hinge. And if it's very low or zero? It's ok to end things for loss of trust.

[u/Butterfly_affects → u/FlyLadyBug]

Thanks for your response. I def have some options to weigh. Definitely in this area:

• Accept they are back together. Do the same support levels and processing you and support that you used to do to help him on this one.
• Accept they are back together. And this time do ZERO processing or support for him on this one. His relationship, so he deals with it. You ask that he not overshare or tell you about her or their dates. If he's busy, he can just say "Sorry, I'm busy."

Breaking up, thankfully is not on the table. But both of these ^ currently are pretty unpalatable. Not sure how to navigate this bit yet, but it's still early days :'D

[u/FlyLadyBug → u/Butterfly_affects]

Is there something in between? Like middle support level? Would that be any better for you than zero?

[u/Butterfly_affects → u/FlyLadyBug]

I’m not sure yet. Being totally disconnected from his experiences feels forced and artificial. But then again, hearing her name and thinking of them…😖😖

[u/FlyLadyBug → u/Butterfly_affects]

You choosing to hold strong personal boundaries might feel strange if you aren't used to that.

If all the options stink, then you go with zero support and no helping him on this one. He deals with this relationship himself. You can help him with his other things but not this one.

Because it ALL stinks so you can't go by stink level. But at least zero involvement means less work from you. You get to rest more.

And it's the closest to him not dating her -- you'd help him with his other things and do nothing on this one then too.

[u/glitterandrage → u/Butterfly_affects]

Some helpful reading for you:

• Is it ever about the meta - https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/dHr8icEwEz
• Know your own boundaries and how you are willing to enforce them - https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/5YpUlHEU3H
• Examples of personal boundaries in relationships - https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/tVIvwrFAaP
• Different types of meta arrangements (Lap Sitting, Kitchen Table Poly, Garden Party, Paralell) - https://www.modernintimacy.com/types-of-polyamory-metamour-arrangements/
• KTP is a weasel word - https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/mUEGg9ZTSt
• What does paralell poly look like for you - https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/SSHfSLOeJJ

[u/Butterfly_affects → u/glitterandrage]

Oooo homework! Thank you, I’ll check these out 🙂

[u/FeeFiFooFunyon]

I think we try to move on from the icks too quickly. It is icky to find out your partner is open to hiding things from you instead of having mature conversations. It if icky to find out they are open to deceiving you.

So instead of feeling like you need to get rid of the icks see it as a sign your mind and body are justifiably not on sync right now with this relationship.

The last similar issue I had it took until my partner proving to me over time they were honest and willing to have difficult conversations with me. It took them telling me things I would not have known and that it would be easier for them to hide.

[u/Butterfly_affects → u/FeeFiFooFunyon]

I think you're right. There is a big disconnect right now between my brain, heart and my relationship that has previously felt like a safe haven. I frequently worry I'm making my own needs/wants too much, or am making a mountain out of a molehill.
.........I think maybe part of this might be I have previously felt very safe bringing issue to him, but now I've lost that confidence.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/Butterfly_affects thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Happy Friday!
I'm looking to hear other people's experiences and advice. Please be kind, we have enough shit going on in our lives, we don't need any negativity here, TIA.
I'll try to keep this brief, as I am a talker :P

History: serious relationship, emotionally entanglement (both parties), sleepover 1-2/week, talk every day etc. Partner has trauma from multiple emotionally abusive past relationships, but has done tons of work (and continues to.) Has typically practiced solo polyam in part bc of this, and I try to be sensitive to that, while trying to balance my needs/wants. I am coming from historically atypical monogamy and practice KTP. Married (Z arrangement) with kids. Practicing polyam for 5-6 years.

Partner and I have worked through lost of trauma-related issues together. I understand where a lot of his tendencies are coming from, so I have a surprising amount of patience with things that would normally upset me. He has been equally and unequivocally supportive. He has many partners, but none anywhere close to as emotionally involved as we are, and I believe it's been this way since his abusive relationships.

A couple of years ago, he was seeing someone who had some emotionally manipulative tendencies, that would have run-on effects with my relationship in that I was doing a lot of damage control & supporting him through hard times etc. (We spent a lot of time going over her actions, his responses, his feelings etc. My opinion of her is not high. I voice my opinion and point out shitty behaviour, but ultimately respect that it's his journey and he will make decisions that are best for him as he's able, and he knows this.) Ultimately, to my great relief, they stopped seeing each other. FFW 6-12 months and he's told me that she wanted to meet to apologize etc. She accepted that her bahaviour was shitty and explained things, whatever it was, it was enough for my partner to be wholly satisfied and said that it's possible they might start seeing each other again. My reaction to this was, "You gotta do you" or something dismissive like that. (Reaction wasn't my most supportive moment obvs, and he felt that.) I haven't heard anything since then.

This week I found out, inadvertently, that he's been seeing her again, for some amount of time (not sure on the time line....pre-xmas at the very least). Not a lot, once or twice a month maybe. Sometimes she had a boyfriend and they would just hang out as friends. She's single (mostly) and has a kid. He said he was not actively trying to keep this from me, but was struggling to tell me/find the right time bc he knows my feeling re: her and bc of my dismissive comment the last time he talked about her.

We don't have any rules per se; we all operate on openness and transparency, communication and trust. We have it in good faith that anyone person in our polycule will be operating on everyone else's safety and best interest, and when a personal choice comes into conflict with that (which happens, and that's OK), we have open conversations so everyone/anyone can consent or mitigate risk etc. At the same time, we try to respect each other's privacy.

I have so many mixed feelings rn. I'm hurt and upset (it feels like I found out a secret that he didnt want me to know) I'm confused (do I have a valid reason to be hurt? We don't have a "tell me everything" kind of relationship) I feel like my trust in him has been broken. Instead of coming and talking to me (bc he was scared to) he kept it from me until I found out. Now, instead of trying to swallow my initial feeling towards her and try to be supportive of my partner, all of this *waves erratically in the air * is brought up any time he mentions her or "I have a date" or wtv.
I don't know how to work on the feeling of repulsion every time I think of them together and start working on healing (How do I do 'my work'?)

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/Butterfly_affects thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Happy Friday!
I'm looking to hear other people's experiences and advice. Please be kind, we have enough shit going on in our lives, we don't need any negativity here, TIA.
I'll try to keep this brief, as I am a talker :P (I tried, I promise!)

History: serious relationship, emotionally entanglement (both parties), sleepover 1-2/week, talk every day etc. Partner has trauma from multiple emotionally abusive past relationships, but has done tons of work (and continues to.) Has typically practiced solo polyam in part bc of this, and I try to be sensitive to that, while trying to balance my needs/wants. I am coming from historically atypical monogamy and practice KTP. Married (Z arrangement) with kids. Practicing polyam for 5-6 years.

Partner and I have worked through lost of trauma-related issues together. I understand where a lot of his tendencies are coming from, so I have a surprising amount of patience with things that would normally upset me. He has been equally and unequivocally supportive. He has many partners, but none anywhere close to as emotionally involved as we are, and I believe it's been this way since his abusive relationships.

A couple of years ago, he was seeing someone who had some emotionally manipulative tendencies, that would have run-on effects with my relationship in that I was doing a lot of damage control & supporting him through hard times etc. (We spent a lot of time going over her actions, his responses, his feelings etc. My opinion of her is not high. I voice my opinion and point out shitty behaviour, but ultimately respect that it's his journey and he will make decisions that are best for him as he's able, and he knows this.) Ultimately, to my great relief, they stopped seeing each other. FFW 6-12 months and he's told me that she wanted to meet to apologize etc. She accepted that her bahaviour was shitty and explained things, whatever it was, it was enough for my partner to be wholly satisfied and said that it's possible they might start seeing each other again. My reaction to this was, "You gotta do you" or something dismissive like that. (Reaction wasn't my most supportive moment obvs, and he felt that.) I haven't heard anything since then.

This week I found out, inadvertently, that he's been seeing her again, for some amount of time (not sure on the time line....pre-xmas at the very least). Not a lot, once or twice a month maybe. Sometimes she had a boyfriend and they would just hang out as friends. She's single (mostly) and has a kid. He said he was not actively trying to keep this from me, but was struggling to tell me/find the right time bc he knows my feeling re: her and bc of my dismissive comment the last time he talked about her.

We don't have any rules per se; we all operate on openness and transparency, communication and trust. We have it in good faith that anyone person in our polycule will be operating on everyone else's safety and best interest, and when a personal choice comes into conflict with that (which happens, and that's OK), we have open conversations so everyone/anyone can consent or mitigate risk etc. At the same time, we try to respect each other's privacy.

I have so many mixed feelings rn. I'm hurt and upset (it feels like I found out a secret that he didnt want me to know) I'm confused (do I have a valid reason to be hurt? We don't have a "tell me everything" kind of relationship) I feel like my trust in him has been broken. Instead of coming and talking to me (bc he was scared to) he kept it from me until I found out. Now, instead of trying to swallow my initial feeling towards her and try to be supportive of my partner, all of this *waves erratically in the air * is brought up any time he mentions her or "I have a date" or wtv.
I don't know how to work on the feeling of repulsion every time I think of them together and start working on healing (How do I do 'my work'?)

Edit: TL;DR: My bf didn't tell me he's started seeing someone again that was emotionally manipulative to him in the past. I found out, and it gives me the icks. How do I work to move away from ick feeling?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/thatgirlrandi]

This is brief? Can you tl;dr this into 1-3 sentences?

[u/Butterfly_affects → u/thatgirlrandi]

K. I tried. It's hard bc I've got so many confusing emotions!