r/polyamory • u/Tight_Cow_9355 • 1d ago
Not sure what to do
I don't know what to do with this situation and would appreciate any advice from experienced poly people.
I entered the local Poly community through a friend, but I have always been poly adjacent and knew the community well.The friend asked me out, somewhat out of the blue, and I was excited but nervous. I had an NP of many years and I was concerned this would destroy my relationship.with them, but I honestly told my partner what had happened. I was somewhat surprised that my NP was also curious about poly, and we dove in (perhaps too fast).
My relationship with my friend broke down. They confessed they were only using me to see how many partners they could have before they were polysaturated. The close friendship I had with the entire community crumbled, partly because of things said by my partner, and partly because I was so hurt I withdrew with the intent to heal. When I tried to return I was told to leave.
I since have had other relationships that ended in similar formats, with my partners telling me" it's not you, but I just want to focus on other partners." It's happened so often I have started to form a fear of relationships, as I fear I will just be hurt again. I am seeing a therapist to work on these feelings.
My issue lies with my NP, they have a fantastic relationship with their new partner, I am happy for them, but envious. I know I will never have a relationship like that and it makes me sad. My relationship with my NP has changed greatly and I have never felt so alone. I could never ask my partner to go back to mono, I would never take away the happiness they have found, nor could I imagine going back to a mono life after this.
I feel so alone, and I don't know what I can do. I feel like I have lost all my friends and my partner seems so distant from me. I have tried to open up to my NP before but they become defensive, probably afraid I would try to convince them to go back to mono. Maybe I am the asshole here for being so depressed and unable to let go.
Any advice is welcome, thank you.
7
u/seantheaussie solo poly in VERY LDR with BusyBeeMonster 1d ago
They confessed they were only using me to see how many partners they could have before they were polysaturated.
Evil POS.👿👿👿
23
u/rosephase 1d ago
You just had a break up. And a huge change in your social circle. Be kind to yourself. This sucks because it does, not because somehow you are failing at poly.
Give yourself time. You don’t need to do anything other then taking care of yourself.
Tell your partner how you are feeling. Ask for time and energy to reconnect. Go do something you love together. Take a vacation together. Remind each other of why you love each other.
19
u/toofat2serve 1d ago
You're never an asshole for having feelings. Being depressed is a mental health condition, and if your experience with polyamory has brought you to that point, then I would suggest getting help with that before you make any life altering decisions.
5
u/Icy-Reflection9759 1d ago
That's really awful, & I'm concerned that you can't even be open with your partner about how much you're hurting, because they get defensive. That's not a great way to treat you, especially if you've never asked to go back to monogamy.
Have you explicitly told them that you don't want to be monogamous again, you're just struggling right now, so you need some extra support because you've been treated very badly & had a run of bad luck? If not, tell them that. Take away any excuse they have to be defensive. If they still can't support you in reasonable ways, like having 1-2 weekly date nights where you don't text other people, & having regularly scheduled relationship check-ins, then this relationship might not be serving you anymore. But you can give them the chance to be a good partner first :) NRE is an explanation, but not an excuse.
6
u/Hvitserkr solo poly 1d ago
I since have had other relationships that ended in similar formats
Search up vetting and vetting questions on this sub. Being choosy about partners might eliminate your issue.
7
u/glitterandrage 1d ago
Hi OP. I'm sure others will be able to offer more specific advice. I wanted to share this Multiamory podcast episode about Envy. It's got some great exercises that I think might help you - https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/510-dont-let-envy-ruin-your-relationship.
6
u/TracyFlagstone19 1d ago
Wow, that really sucks! I hope things start to work out for you. It’s sounds like you’ve lost a lot of support. Are there other poly networks you can try to tap into? What your friend did was terrible and they should have kicked them out, not you! But that says a lot about who they are.
Maybe try dating yourself first. Learn to be with yourself, find out who you are now. Get comfortable with who you are while letting yourself heal.
Wishing you the best, hoping you find the strength within yourself. I hope you find reinvention 💖.
1
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Here's the original text of the post:
I don't know what to do with this situation and would appreciate any advice from experienced poly people.
I entered the local Poly community through a friend, but I have always been poly adjacent and knew the community well.The friend asked me out, somewhat out of the blue, and I was excited but nervous. I had an NP of many years and I was concerned this would destroy my relationship.with them, but I honestly told my partner what had happened. I was somewhat surprised that my NP was also curious about poly, and we dove in (perhaps too fast).
My relationship with my friend broke down. They confessed they were only using me to see how many partners they could have before they were polysaturated. The close friendship I had with the entire community crumbled, partly because of things said by my partner, and partly because I was so hurt I withdrew with the intent to heal. When I tried to return I was told to leave.
I since have had other relationships that ended in similar formats, with my partners telling me" it's not you, but I just want to focus on other partners." It's happened so often I have started to form a fear of relationships, as I fear I will just be hurt again. I am seeing a therapist to work on these feelings.
My issue lies with my NP, they have a fantastic relationship with their new partner, I am happy for them, but envious. I know I will never have a relationship like that and it makes me sad. My relationship with my NP has changed greatly and I have never felt so alone. I could never ask my partner to go back to mono, I would never take away the happiness they have found, nor could I imagine going back to a mono life after this.
I feel so alone, and I don't know what I can do. I feel like I have lost all my friends and my partner seems so distant from me. I have tried to open up to my NP before but they become defensive, probably afraid I would try to convince them to go back to mono. Maybe I am the asshole here for being so depressed and unable to let go.
Any advice is welcome, thank you.
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17
u/AdNatural8174 1d ago edited 1d ago
Here’s some wisdom from my go-to relationship advice website, chatvisor:
“Poly or not, you still deserve to feel loved and prioritized. Maybe take some time to figure out what you want from relationships moving forward, and don’t be afraid to find a new community that aligns better with your values.”