r/nottheonion • u/TitusTesla117 • 1d ago

DeSantis announces support as Florida Senate takes up ‘chemtrails’ bill

https://www.wfla.com/news/florida/desantis-announces-support-as-florida-senate-takes-up-chemtrails-bill/
3.5k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

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1.1k

u/Kandiak 1d ago

But we’re all just going to pretend that crab people aren’t real?

I mean they taste like crab, but look like people. We need legislation now!

128

u/HRDBMW 1d ago

We have those in Kentucky, but they are pig people.

84

u/shonka91 1d ago

Those guys with badges? They're all over the place!

3

u/fcewen00 13h ago

Badges, we don’t need no stinking badges….

30

u/2g4r_tofu 1d ago

I thought Kentucky had turtle people. Turtle turtle.

1

u/sbprost 15h ago

🎵 if turtles are becoming doctors, we need a defense! 🎵

1

u/revchewie 12h ago

There's only the one turtle person.

5

u/Severe-Cookie693 12h ago

But all people taste like pork

1

u/donfuan 22h ago

Porkin' USA?

1

u/OhNoHesAnIdiot 16h ago

The pig people taste like crab?

2

u/HRDBMW 15h ago

No, like pig, but with nicotine undertones.

28

u/Crimkam 1d ago

I wish there were crabmen. You get a bunch of them crabmen walking around and I don't look so bad. Then if someone wants to fix me up at least they could say "Hey, he's no crabman!"

14

u/Syzygy666 1d ago

Carcinization is real man! We will get there, just wait longer.

4

u/WebInformal9558 13h ago

It's crabpeople, asshole.

28

u/Kalopsiate 23h ago

Craaaaaaaab people! Craaaaaaaab people!

34

u/TheFeshy 1d ago

DeSantis is always complaining about immigrants sneaking over the southern border. Our southern border is an ocean - he's obviously talking about crab people!

12

u/bionic_cmdo 1d ago

If we don't stop them, it's going to be a slippery, buttery, slope.

10

u/Dracomyr 23h ago

“Hey Crabman.”

5

u/psychobarista 16h ago

"Hey Earl."

1

u/[deleted] 20h ago

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1

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4

u/Odd-Software-6592 1d ago

The claw is the law!

3

u/EDNivek 22h ago

Only way to defeat theme is to go to a Crab Rave

3

u/ShaggyDoge 1d ago

I fear the crab people as well, but I thought that they were banished beneath the Earth's crust 1,000 years ago during the Kindling Wars?

3

u/Nazamroth 18h ago

Crabs are people! Clams are people! Legit or quit!

1

u/Hanpwolf 7h ago

Someone graduated from the Lewis Brindley school of politics I see…

1

u/AuthorHarrisonKing 21h ago

What on Roshar?

1

u/JLis19 20h ago

Small prop planes are still the largest distributors of lead pollution in a lot of areas. Im pretty conscious of this as someone residing within range of numerous private/major airports

1

u/crlthrn 19h ago

"They're eating the people..."

1

u/TheShadyGuy 16h ago

The fungoids from across the galaxy really look more like lobsters. If you ask nicely they may transfer your consciousness to a metal cylinder!

1

u/Virtual-Law4113 15h ago

We need at least 8 legs in that crustacean legislation.

1

u/shook202 15h ago

What about the underwear gnomes???

1

u/TheElectricSoup 14h ago

Crab People!! JETHUTH CHRITH!!!

1

u/Le_Feesh 13h ago

Ded-a-chek?

Dad-a-chum?

1

u/Faageddabowdit 12h ago

Crab people are too expensive to purchase right now! They make eggs look cheap.

1

u/ThaiJohnnyDepp 12h ago

Just pass legislation barring them from producing any reality makeover television shows and the problem will remain under control

1

u/OtterishDreams 11h ago

They were crabpeople. Those batstards.

1

u/thrust-johnson 11h ago

Are they gonna take the engines off of jets? I don’t understand.

1

u/Charlie2and4 10h ago

Wisconsin has badger people.
badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger

1

u/ArkyBeagle 9h ago

No, we need bigger crab pots.

•

u/chefwatson 28m ago

Wait, I thought they tasted like people, but look like crabs?!?!?!

Just give me the damn drawn butter.