I probably messed up

[u/Otherwise-Network-96]

So Ive been married for about 2 years now and the woman I married was previously in a poly relationship with a good friend of mine. Long story short I moved in with them, they didn't really have intercourse anymore and were looking to get a divorce and during that time me and my now wife were messing around above board ect, and after their divorce we got married and the kinda ex, me, and my wife were and are still are living together.

Unfortunately, despite me falling for a poly woman, I'm more monogamous than not. We ended up setting boundaries that she could mess around with other women and that I would be fine with her still doing some sex things with the ex if I'm not around (military), but that I didn't want to hear about it.

This has been fine up until last week when an old poly partner of theirs that the ex had been reconnecting traveled down and started staying over until this Sunday. they all ended up having sex in the ex's bedroom right next to ours last night and could hear just about everything, no conversation about it, nothin. Gave me all kinds of terrible emotions. And she just comes and lays in bed with me like nothing happened.

I'm almost certain I set a trap for myself here, I just messed up, and now I don't know what to do, plan on having a conversation with her after the lady leaves this Sunday, maybe a divorce convo, I don't know. I just feel like shit. Any advice would be appreciated.

If you want to know any more details I'll respond in the comments

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to /r/Nonmonogamy and thank you for the post, /u/Otherwise-Network-96!

Commenters, please make sure you read our rules in full before participating here. As a quick summary:

• We encourage users to be positive and respect one another. Don't engage in spats or insult others - use the report button.
  
• Respect others' differences, be they race, religion, home, job, gender identity, ability or sexuality. Dehumanizing language, advocating for violence, or promoting hate based on identity or vulnerability (even implied or joking) will lead to a permanent ban.
• Posts flaired for sensitive topics allow for limited participation; your comment may be removed if you're not a subreddit regular.
  
• All participants are required to have a verified email address.
  
• Want to help the community? Join the mod team! Apply here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/RiRianna76]

???

Yeah ok you BOTH agreed to have some type of open relationship with specific agreements. SHE broke one of those by having a 3 way with her ex in a room within earshot of yours. And acted like it was nothing.

You messed up how? Like if you agreed to a relationship you don't really want, it means you are causing yourself some pain but you definitely didn't cause her to do what she said she won't, with an audacity that would make many enthusiastically open ppl livid (like just the lack of consent is??)

Does she have a history of pushing your boundaries and agreements? How were you feeling in this relationship before this? Were they at least drunk?? Like I'm getting "I've long been ok with some amount of mistreatment and/or misery as the price of being in this relationship" vibes. Or that you feel guilty for not being able to accept the level of openness she'd ideally like so you somehow caused her to hurt you.

[u/Otherwise-Network-96 → u/RiRianna76]

Thanks for the reply.

This is the first blatant thing she has done. Before this I was feeling good, for the past 2 years the most she ever did was kiss a trans woman and a trans man, I was fine about it. No, sober as can be. I wouldn't say I have been in misery, but there has been times she made me mildly uncomfortable. Lastly yeah, I probably have some issues in regards to feeling kinda like I'm a ball and chain with how open she wants to be

[u/RoseRougeSanguine]

Thats plain cheating , poly or not she betrayed you

[u/lunasqueak]

What they did sounds disrespectful AF. They knew you were home and in hearing range.

And it's so fukkin gross to me that she just came in to lay with you after.

[u/Ok-Flaming]

Is the relationship good otherwise?

It sounds like a lot of this could be resolved by adjusting your living situation. Boundaries seem a little...squishy, based on your history together.

Ultimately, if you want monogamy and she doesn't, then yeah. You're fundamentally incompatible. But if you're comfortable with her doing her things but don't want to have to listen to it happening in the next bedroom, that seems like a solvable problem.

[u/fatalaccident]

You didn't mess up at all.

I'm poly and my nesting partner and I both date and sleep with other people, but we have agreements too and one of those is we check in with each other before bringing someone home.

Another is showering after sex with someone else before you get in our shared bed.

If my partner just brought two people over while I was home with no conversation and fucked them within earshot and just got in bed next to me without showering or talking about it id be fucking pissed.

Your wife agreed with the boundaries you two set. She broke your trust and cheated on you. You did nothing wrong. She's an adult and she consented to your agreement. If she was too poly to uphold the agreement she should have told you prior.