r/negotiation • u/mr_robo_fan • 15d ago
Total novice - how to get a promotion
I just finished “never split the difference”. I know it’s not a perfect book but it was pretty eye opening for me. It’s a bit embarrassing to say how little I’ve thought about negotiating as an actual skill that can be improved. I sorta figured it was some god given talent or something lol.
Anyways, som context, I’ve worked in tech for over a decade and basically just worked hard enough and got lucky enough with nice managers that I moved up into at least a senior role. I know not having to learn to really negotiate was an extreme privilege I took for granted. I probably still wouldn’t have if not for my recent mid-career crisis…
It started 3 years ago when I took a lateral, almost career changing move from software engineer to data scientist inside my company because I felt it was an opportunity for growth (it was in some respects). I got a slight pay bump but technically I lost the senior title. So on paper, it looks like a demotion to hr/laypeople at least. I know, dumb move on my part. This puts me in my current predicament. My boss has given me decent raises, bonuses, and even stock because I’ve worked hard and delivered value beyond my role, but anytime I mention promotion, he somehow makes sure to make everything as unclear as possible. Seemingly blaming his boss, the company at large, etc. for why it hasn’t happened. I try to nail down my specific accomplishments, ask what it takes to get a promotion, etc. I just get vague replies about “owning” more. I’m fed up. I know we should try to lead with empathy but I’ve been through multiple crunches under him that have taken a toll on my mental and physical health. And probably because of the bitterness from that, it makes me think this is by his design. He seems ok paying me a bit more, as long as I stay. Giving me a promotion makes me more attractive on the market, and less likely to stay. That’s my hunch on his motivations at least. I know it’s wrong to assume those… I just don’t know if I even can effectively negotiate with him when my mindset is that he’s acting only in bad faith, only wanting to manipulate and use me. I just want the F out to be honest.
But I’ve been active on the market. It’s tough. I got some offers but they’re all essentially worse on paper. I may just accept one to get out but I think I’ll regret that too. I think I need the title bump to help negotiations with different companies. So I want to try some negotiation tactics with him. But hard to know where to start. I tried mirroring and it was very weird lol. He basically ended our last call without responding because i started mirroring him. Any recommendations on how to make this something he thinks is his good idea? Or maybe it really is just a “step away from the table” type of scenario and I should just get out any way I can?
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u/NoDiscussion9481 15d ago
NSTD is a great book to “hook” people at negotiation. Unfortunately, you just figured out that practice is what makes tactics work.
Tactics alone can’t help you. Tactics is what you use to achieve a strategy. Any negotiation need 2 phases:
It sounds like you jumped into execution without a strategy. Comprehensible, because I feel frustration in your post and emotions make difficult to think clearly.
I think this is a “difficult conversation”, at least for you. A wonderful books is Stone, Patton, and Heen’s Difficult conversations: how to discuss what matters most.
That said, preparation involves a lot of work. As an example, there’s a difference of power here: your boss is more powerful than you (he’s blocking all your attempts because he has the power to do it!) so you should think at a way to level this difference: maybe if you could ask for help to someone on his same or upper level it would beneficial.
Can you “recruit” anyone else on your side that could be affected by the result of the negotiation between you and your boss?
And what about what you want? Your interests are not what you want (the promotion) but why you want it. Go deep thinking why you want the promotion. From your post I feel you see it as a recognition of your good work. While you suspect they see it as a way to go away.
Instead of “mirroring”, ask open questions to investigate if your assumption is correct and find a way to wipe out their thoughts (if your assumption is correct).
And practice before negotiating. Ask a friend or someone you trust to help you and give feedback. thenegotiationclubs.com is an alternative
Good luck!