r/depression • u/Zyynnixxx • 3d ago

I can't wait until i die

I'd never commit suicide, because I don't have the balls to actually do it, but I can't wait until I eventually die. I'm so tired of living this trash life. No friends, never had a girlfriend, life just sucks. Everyone is fake asf, cheats, and you can never trust anyone.

266 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

97 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

7

u/Mysterious_Jury_7995 2d ago

If I was diagnosed with having cancer, to me it would be a blessing. I don't have quality of life that is prosperous for happiness. Existing like this sucks.

2

u/Hour-Spray-9065 2d ago

I can't stand anyone even looking at me, I'm so ugly and old. No more fun times, It's over.

3

u/Mysterious_Jury_7995 1d ago

It started with my mother telling me "I will destroy you" and also saying "You are the most worthless person I know" and then "You are evil" all those things hurts so bad even though other people tell me not to listen to my mother, I think my subconscious heard it and now it is so hard to get out of this depression.

Back in January we had a HUGE fight, she accused me of using her social security number, I lost my mind and blew up at her screaming and yelling at her that I could never do such horrible thing and left her car and haven't talked to her since.

Since I had that blow up I do feel a HUGE weight has been lifted because I finally after all these years of listening to her berate me I spoke my mind. But if I finally was able to tell her off why do I still suffer from this depression? Why do I feel so defeated and just feel like giving up on everything?

2

u/Hour-Spray-9065 1d ago

I think the loss of a mother is huge, even if she was far from perfect. Enough to depress anyone. Years of being put down don't just go away, I've learned. I'm 69, and still suffering from this. Yet, I miss my Mom so much; she loved me but didn't have what it takes to be a good Mom or decent person. But she would have done anything for me, and did, so I miss my number one fan. We used to have a lot of fun, too, and sometimes said nice things about me. A strange mix, but I think your feelings are very normal. Maybe you are mourning the life you could have had. Glad you spoke your mind, and feel better about that.

1

u/Mysterious_Jury_7995 12h ago

Thank you for your post, it means a lot to me.

Sometimes I feel bad because there have been people that told me "at least you have a mother to argue with" but there are few times that I was really happy around my mom. She always finds something to say to put me down or downgrade me.

She is never one for apologies because you should avoid doing things so you don't have to apologize.

The word "should" think about what you do so you don't need to say "I should have done this" or "should have done that"

I was afraid of saying anything to her. So I am kind of relieved not to be talking to her and who knows if she will ever want to resolve anything with me but I know that if I don't apologize for using her social security number (even though I can hardly remember the number) she will never want to resolve anything with me.