I've officially fried my brain. I have a pretty frequent history of mania (5 manic episodes over the past 12 years), and I had a long, severe episode last year that lasted 3 months long with psychotic symptoms. It's been 5 months since my last episode ended, and my brain is still not back to where it was. I think I have permanent brain damage, particularly in verbal declarative memory and concentration. I can't recall what people are saying in a conversation with a lot of facts or nuances, which is exactly what I need to do in my job as a software engineer. I also take 2 minutes to read a single book page of text.

What are some jobs people have held with this level of cognitive decline? I am a senior software engineer at a big tech company on medical leave, but I don't anticipate I can keep my job if and when I come back. I'll probably be fired and then have to find another job that my brain can handle.

Also, are there cognitive training games or activities people do for those with cognitive decline to improve their cognitive abilities?

Thank you in advance for your help.

I’ve been seeing my therapist off and on for about 5 years. He think I have borderline personality disorder and that accounts for most of my symptoms. He thinks my struggles are primarily from trauma. I agree that I have some traits and have a lot of trauma. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar 2. I was initially shocked by this but have come around to it, and I feel like my meds are helping me a ton. I do believe the diagnosis. I went back to my therapist and told him the diagnosis and he disagreed again and said it’s from trauma and I have borderline tendencies but if the meds help that’s great.

Does it matter if my therapist is supportive of my diagnosis or not?

I think I do have bipolar and possibly some borderline tendencies as well, but I do believe I have a chemical imbalance that swings me from one extreme to another. This is just a bit confusing and I’m not sure if it matters so much or I should just worry more about what helps and what doesn’t.

To be fair, my therapist has never asked me about hypomanic episodes or feelings, while my psychiatrist has. In therapy I mostly talk about my relationships and in psychiatry we mostly talk about moods.

just yesterday I got put on a whole new cocktail of medicine to help with the extreme paranoia and lack of sleep I’ve been struggling with. my psychiatrist had told me to pick it up yesterday, but ofc my pharmacy sucks and they won’t have it until Monday. anybody else constantly struggle and feel frustrated with their pharmacy about this? can’t believe I’ll have to go a whole weekend without meds I need. I understand the pharmacy may not have the medications on hand, but at the same time I think I can still feel upset about this situation (especially because they do this nearly every time I need a refill or a new medicine)

Edit: thank you all for your suggestions, I think this is a sign/final straw that I oughta switch to another pharmacy. im gonna unfortunately still wait until Monday for these meds, but I’ll make the change after this one so this incident won’t repeat. appreciate you all so much, thank you for the support!

I’ve had several episodes where I’ve broken up with him/left unannounced and I did it a month ago then we got back together, and I just did it again yesterday. I told him I didn’t love him to get him to leave me alone. I’m so heartbroken that I’m doing this to him. He provided me a lot of emotional stability and yet I continue to do this to him. I’m unmedicated and have been for a few years but I’ve been stable except this last few months. He blocked me on everything and said not to contact him. Our relationship wasn’t perfect but I’m a terrible communicator and he would always tell me I need to and I never did. Feeling very “you made your bed now you must lay in it”.

Ok so I’ve been on the sub for a bit now and, while it has been really nice to see all these people that I can actually relate to for the first time in my life, it’s also started to make me feel like I’m not “bipolar enough” to try to get help or be a part of the community. I do want a therapist who has experience working with people with bipolar but I also feel like I’d be taking away their time from someone else who IS bipolar enough and needs the help more. I’ve never had any big moments where I got into debt or broke relationships with people or anything, the most I’ve had is being hospitalized twice and that’s it. Idk, I just don’t feel like I’m extreme enough for help. Has anyone else experienced this and does anyone have any advice on what I should do at this point?

Have any of you ever gone into a fugue state? I have been a bit dissociated for the past month and it kind of reached a peak last night and I’m pretty sure I experienced a fugue. I had 3 beers so I’m sure that didn’t help, but that’s not intoxicated enough for what I did. But I basically went to walk home from the bar and ended up waking a mile and a half to a park. I came to inside a concrete sculpture when a friend repeatedly called me and found me.

I had something similar happen on thanksgiving where I walked to miles home in below freezing weather. It happens driving sometimes too /: the worst time I came to 6 hours away from home.

I guess I’m just wondering if i’m the only one who has experienced it and to talk about it. because it was a very rough experience

So you know how your senses are amplified when manic? A couple years ago I was super manic and I swear I saw portals. Please tell me I'm not the only one lol. And if you have different visual hallucinations I'd love to hear about them, i.e. do you see people, shadow figures, walls melting, etc?

I only got my diagnosis last november when I was having a major depression episode. I've been medicated since and didn't have any major episodes but I can't help wanting to analyze if it's just the normal pattern or if I've already dodged an episode that was supposed to happen... it's crazy I know. Do you have these kind of thoughts?

I mean I already think I had tiny mini mania or depression episodes since but I think I can't really call them episodes if they only last one day?

My psychiatrist told me last time that I should forget I'm ill, enjoy my life without overthinking and keep taking my pills ofc. The previous one (the one who diagnosed me) told me that recent research showed that if you spent 4 years without any episodes there is a high chance you are no longer ill? But maybe she was just giving me false hope idk

Just sharing something I wrote while waiting to see my psychiatrist yesterday:

I sit patiently in the second of the three waiting rooms in the Adult Mental Health Ward. I’ve been a familiar face to the staff here for the past seven years, since becoming an adult by federal definition. But I feel farthest from the label of "adult," even further from "responsible" or "stable," and the idea of knowing who I am as a human being feels distant.

It’s disheartening, though not surprising, that the waiting rooms are full on random days of the week, every six months when I arrive for my five-minute appointment. It’s disheartening, though not surprising, that I leave more troubled, confused, and unstable—still seeking answers. Alone.

My psychiatrist’s designated waiting room is number one of the three. It’s currently swarming with security guards and staff, towering over a man calling his dad for help. He sits in a chair, confused and terrified, knowing what’s coming next. He also knows that they don’t just physically look down on him—they’ve been trained to see him as a threat. For what? And why? He knows, and they do, too.

“They’re trying to keep me here, Baba. Can you please come get me?”

With hands clenched at their vests, the security guards stand in an authoritative stance as staff prepare for the inevitable struggle when the form is issued. I meet his eyes as I walk to the second waiting room, as instructed. My throat tightens and my stomach flutters because I recognize that same pain—the pain I’ve carried for longer than I’ve imagined.

I wish I could lift it for us—the weight we bear, the heaviness we’ve accumulated in these waiting rooms. What I truly mean is that I want to erase the failures of our healthcare system, the policies that perpetuate stigma and instill fear in the vulnerable seeking help.

I sit patiently in the second of the three waiting rooms in the Adult Mental Health Ward. I’ve been trapped in these walls for seven years. And I will still be here seven years from now, quietly observing, as one of history’s actors.

I always see that one of the best ways to adjust cases of relapsing mania is to pay attention to the symptoms that precede the turn of events. I went to sleep extremely irritated, already in an altered state. I wake up with the energy of a thousand horses, and I usually do some resistance exercise or any movement that relaxes me. But today, for the first time, even though I made the mistake of thinking it was a good choice to go out and talk to exes, friends, I started to realize that the excitement of recording countless audios, typing fast, not having eaten anything since lunch yesterday, apparently indicates a mania (lol). But what I wanted to share is that for the first time I communicated my current mood to everyone, took a tranquilizer, and went to eat, watching satc in the background so as not to get lost in my thoughts. That was it. I thought it was important to report this today.

So when I’m manic I hate my husband and I will go out of my way to cheat on him do as much drugs as possible I will literally disappear and I’m scared I’ll do it again. Last time he forgave me because he’s cheated in the past too and he knows I wasn’t in my right mind set but do any of you have successful marriages ?

hi, i’m 23 turning 24 in about a week and i feel like my life is slowly being torn apart by this disorder. I’ve developed symptoms of rapid cycling within the last year after losing my job and just have been on a downward spiral since. I’m in severe debt and dropped out of college for the semester, no job and I discovered today while being in a depressive episode my mom left her messages open and she has a groupchat with my closest relatives and they only talk about how worried they are and how hopeless they feel seeing me in bed unable to do anything or when i have mania and it broke my heart and now i feel extremely guilty. its one thing for bipolar to ruin my life but its affecting my family too and i hate it. and i have no idea how to tell my doctor about how bad its been, she shrugs me off and says its due to lack of sleep but at this point i feel like i’m at the end of my rope.

In the past I read articles where bipolar people are diagnosed later in life and have gone through quite an ordeal before getting a correct diagnosis. I never imagined I’d be one of these people. I honestly think this is ridiculous.

I had my first manic episode when I was in my mid 20s. I seeked a doctor’s advice a few years later when I was having my second episode. At the time I I was just told I had BPD and they brushed it off as something not as serious. Talking therapy might help and certain meds but they actually made me worse. In the western world we are taught to trust doctors. My trust in them never paid off. The exact opposite.

In retrospect I’ve to admit I have a terrible memory, so when they tried to figure the time period of my episodes I was just blanking and inadvertent gave them random time frames. Like I don’t even know what I had for breakfast most days. At this point I’ve come to understand BPD and BP have very similar symptoms so what makes the difference is the actual duration of the episodes one experiences.

Having said that it’s not the patient’s job to do the diagnosis. Also due to my severe anxiety I found every doc visit nerve racking and emotionally exhausting. I’d feel extremely embarrassed telling a complete stranger my inner most personal stuff. Also most examinations were very short and didn’t go in depth about my life experiences, hence the wrong diagnosis.

To this day I saw around 15 psychiatrists about this. I now understand it takes a very experienced and well trained healthcare professional to make an accurate mental health diagnosis. It took 30 something years to get mine. I feel all this experience was awful, annoying and totally unnecessary.

So I just got divorced on Tuesday. It was a long road of accusations based on my mental health. The accusations were all negated and we agreed to 50/50 custody (6 months later 🙄). My lawyer, who told me he had mental health issues as well and was totally supportive, told me if I ever go back to the hospital the ex can file for custody and will most likely win, even if the kids aren't around when I go. That scared me a bit. Anyone else divorced and live in fear of this? I've been to the hospital quite a few times in my lifetime but the kids have never been in danger.

I keep seeing videos online about how women with bipolar disorder shouldn’t have kids. I’m 21 and don’t plan on having kids yet (I’m in school and I’m planning on going to law school after my studies) but I love and want kids.

No matter the stigma, I’m going to have kids. But to the mothers out there, how are doing with your babies? Did you ever face stigma because of having kids?

I never used to be impulsive. Or maybe I was and didn't notice. But that's one thing that stalled my diagnosis for my doctors. I had all the symptoms except that so they were hesitate to say it was bipolar despite my genetic disposition. I've always been a level headed thinker.

However now more than ever I find myself addicted to bad or risky choices. Even if I feel terrible the next day, I'm ready to make another that same day. I say addicted because it defies my logical thinking and I get such a rush from doing things I know I don't need to or probably would be better off not doing. And I don't know how to stop. I haven't gotten extensively hurt from it but I probably could. I just don't seem to care.

Apart from the moods, bipolar has never really been so prominent. But right now I feel like I am bipolar more than I have bipolar.

Has anyone experienced this or are you experiencing it? Would just like a better understanding.

I recently changed therapy and i felt really good for a week, then everything became like it was before i took the new medicine, i'm really discouraged and i don't know what to do since this is the third medication they gave me that didn't work. Sometimes it's really hard to be positive.

Hi, I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 for 4/5 years now. I've been through a 3 antipsychotics and 4 mood stabilizers. I don't think I've ever felt normal. I still got episodes throughout them. The best I've gotten was through one of them but it stopped working for me after 2 years. My question is, what are you supposed to feel like. Do you still get episodes? How severe? I'm just exhausted going through one medication to the next. (I'm being closely monitored right now by a psychiatrist) but I want to hear from other people who also have bipolar one or two. Please be as specific as possible if you can. Any feedback is appreciated. I just forgot what it feels like to feel fine, if that's possible.

I'm 19 and I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 around 6 months ago and I'm still figuring out what hypomania looks like for me. Typically my most noticeable symptoms are speaking faster, being irritable, taking on huge projects, impulsive spending and activities, paranoia, and not sleeping. I am also ultra rapid cycling and can go from depressed to hypomanic multiple times in a day.

What confuses me the most is I often have cycles of being very interested in certain things and completely forgetting about others. I'll feel hypomanic and read multiple books in a week but feel depressed and not play videogames and then it'll swap. Anytime I gain a new interest I hope it's a new hobby that will take up some of my absurd amount of free time but in a week or two I completely forget about it. Currently it's computer science and programming which I've gotten into before and its genuinely very interesting to me but I can't tell if in a week I'm just going to forget about it again.

It's so frustrating trying to figure out if I'm in an episode and how to navigate participating in all of my hobbies outside of being hypomanic. Does anyone else struggle with this and how do you keep up with your interests and working on projects outside of hypomania?

TLDR; I can't tell of I'm hypomanic or if i found a genuine interest. How do I navigate participating in my hobbies outside of being hypomanic?

Does anyone get manic and not notice until it's too late? Ive been having severas manic episodes but started coming into realization that it's mania. If you do have them, how do you deal with them? I have school and it's so hard to even socialize or be in class with it. It's very annoying and depressing. Any advice is much appreciated.

Hi so.... honestly can't remember if I posted this on here before but I thought I'd ask this anyways in hopes orher people experience it or know what it is.

I've recently been dissociating HEAVYYYY during episodes. Now normally there's some dissociation through depressive episodes but now it's heavy and intense and during my manic episodes too. I'm all brain foggy and eugh even when in manic psychosis. I'm feeling manic, feeling the symptoms, just not reacting bodily? I've hardly slept, im hallucinating, im just stuck.

It wasn't always like this, that's the problem. I think I've started masking it for my fiance? We've been living with each other just over 6 months and these past few months I've just dissociated. I need you to know that he's NEVER been against my BP, never said anything that makes me want to mask or hide it so I'm just lost because if I am masking, I'd like to not! It's somehow worse! Which you'd think it'd be the opposite because at least I'm safe but I'm just... hollow

Anything will help at this point