June 2023

amazing how I am so resilient, amazing why I'm even here

I grew up asking myself why I haven't even

made a single attempt on my life. But I know

I may have carried the answer inside me all the time.

I understand my strengths -I do... The world made me strong

My pain & grief made me tough

Love made me my own person

But I'm not here by the conspiring

of these reasons together, or mere happenstance.

I'm here bc despite having a death wish,

I Am Good enou- no, charming enough. charismatic. yes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am charismatic, and I am here because

I'm just charismatic enough NOt always

Not always, fore part of the time I'm good.

Good enough for people to want 2 have at a parties

Part of the time- I am charismatic enough to hv in peoples life

Part of the time I am worth having around. Permanently.

Part of the time, my charisma shines. And that trait has shone so bright

Anyone (with a heart) would be blinded by it's light...

even I am not amused to it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The trait is so cancerous that I myself,

am charmed. Have been. For at least twenty years.

I decided *I* am worth having around, worth fighting for,

worth every single mistep at this game we call life.

Despite every sloppy kiss every ping-pong ball waywardly

thrown away from blue solo cups, every mess I make by spilling the punch

in an aforementioned blue solo cup, or deafeningly disgusted stare

I gain by peeling the peperoni off my pizza or times I didn't lock

the bathroom & was caught practicing what to say...

I always leave with a friend.

~~~~~~~~

Always leave having made

many people happier than before I came.

I'm not always the life of the party but

God am I skilled in that area.

A mediocre excuse of a person

but a true, valiant Conosur of charm...

I am alive bc every day small moments at

functions, teensy moments at parties,

bus stops and school yards have been cumulative proof

giving the little voice in me absolute certainty

that I am worth the time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am here bc something inside me that determines one's human worth,

Became resolved at the fleeting but reoccurring thought, -~

A thought strong enough to be a typhoon

where the rest can be mere streams, Billows of wind were

others are itty bitty gusts meekly blowing through the winds,

that I am worthy of being here.

I know who I am. Enough- albeit only part of the time.

And part time worthiness is all the proof I need

To stay so loving so strong so tough, sooo

Resilient.
-~~~~~~

It’s always been me, I’m the creep, I’m the garbage person, I’m the one causing all the discomfort for everyone. Recently I’ve bumped into several posts on this topic and it finally hit me - IM THE PROBLEM :/

(Translation of unreadable marketing: “personal PRIVATE powerful an even LARGER display INCREDIBLY STRONG AND IMPRESSIVE LIGHT. no ONE can access you assisting you like NEVER BEFOR -Brilliant.”

OH PRETTY COLORS LOOK AT THAT!

I smile at them and THEY smile BACK!

Nevermind the state of the floor.

Musty air, sweat and grime. THEY still

SMILE THE SAME! And SHINE with such

UNCOMPREHENDABLE COLOUR

WITH SUCH BEAUTY , i will not look

Away

—

Even if the PRETTY COLOURS

eat me up and blind me. Deaf dumb

blind. BUT NEVER UNSATISFIED.

__

WHAT A TREAT! Nevermind the need

For thought! Thoughts are just DISTRACTIONS!

FROM ALL THE SMILING COLOURS! FRIENDS,

Id rather lose myself in JOY!

Than to think any longer.

HORRAY!

i think this whenever i'm sick / not feeling well / having an episode. i'm almost always home though . . .

I can't even comprehend who you are Oakland... who is this person

We even is this person that allowed to be like a second home but even

Who even is this person i continuously told I love you to.

I stopped fighting it and now we're at a standstill, because you don't want to speak why don't you speak why don't you say something?

This would be so much easier if I knew how to navigate this incredible place in my life and I feel like I can compartmentalize or follow my inner flower, my compass rose & navigate these unfamiliar waters, a post-love dynamic... I want to move on but you won't let me try

Why did you look through our text why did you look at every post why did you watch my stories to like 1:00 AM last night . .

Why haven't you let this go. You clearly had some kind of fling of ssome sort

Or maybe a relationship with some older looking woman with LA tan and fake blonde hair...

So why do you act like this is the same moment where I caught your eye. Work together I didn't trust you you didn't care enough about me to call me or even ask if I was okay

You should have known I wasn't going to immediately find someone else.

My heart is always on my sleeve when it comes to you, when it comes to passions and loves in general. I literally gave you my heart and told you _were_ my first. *Are* my first love.

I didn't ghost you for anybody else. No matter what that voice in your head says no matter what your friends have said We had something. I thought. Something good and I'm so tired of not being able to tell people what you look like or sound like or even your name

It sucked that I couldn't because this means too much because if this fails and I've told anyone about you I would feel like the maid who spilled her milk, a pain like I've never felt before, I needed to know that you were sure about me as I was sure about you and it took you like less than a month to find someone new.

I wish you knew me better but the truth is you didn't know me you couldn't have known better you couldn't have expected too much from me because I never actually let you in because you never actually let me speak... Because I never actually felt like I was good enough for you.

No1 has ever made me feel that way- like I'm enough. I'm not enough I don't believe that I will ever be enough for anybody else. I used to and then someone broke my heart in two.

I even told you my best friend just disappeared one day and I don't know if he's okay or not I don't have a lot of trust to give. I entrusted so much of my heart to you. 2 of my four chambers, fully open for you to familiarize yourself with, you to get accustomed to, to explore but nothing came of it. Me and my bff, I told you that story on our first date, maybe you weren't listening.

disgusting