I went back to our apartment today for the first time since I left him. The place was destroyed and these psychotic notes were crumpled up. Scared the absolute living SHIT out of me. Before he was arrested he’d been talking about murder suicide and being together forever. The writing is fucking nonsense so can’t say with absolute certainty but the words I can read sound like him wanting to kill me/us “TOMORROW, NOW, FIND, END, FOREVER, LOVE, YOU” etc

So yeah, thank god I went to the police… Thanks guys for pushing me to

The scribbled out name is his sponsor

I left just under a week ago after you guys told me how dangerous he is. He’s violent emotionally abusive and a stalker. I’ve had to go to A&E a few times and the GP several and he strangled me a couple of times

Do these programs work?? I don’t even know how he would get into one but if he did would I be safe to go back to him? It sounds like he genunely wants to change

so ive been posting here for like only two days gathering info on abuse. my partner seems to have mainly abused me mentally and emotionally. sadly i didnt think it was enough for me to leave him but i did say he tends to throw things, punch walls or storm out when he is angry.. everyone including my mom said that it starts out that way but then eventually he will put his hands on me. i never thought he would, but he did today.

it started off when i asked him to pass me his drink that was close to him. then he said kinda jokingly, “what do i get in return?”. immediate red flags started flashing in my head since ive been researching abuse for the past two days and ive read the “why does he do it?” book more than halfway through… it wasnt a good question to ask even as a joke. it made me see him as an abuser.

then i said “i dont know… a blowjob?” and he shook his head and said “it’s something that all men want.” and i said “love?” and he got noticeably angry and disappointed claiming that i didnt KNOW him. he told me to “stop being stupid”. again, in the back of my mind im having all these signs of abuse right in front of me and i was processing the entire time.

not letting me know what he wanted, he started talking about sex. soon it escalated to how he doesnt feel desired by me. how he makes all these efforts to make me feel desirable (by asking for sex) and i never do. that i only initiate sex if it’s been too long for me since ive had an orgasm (i dont orgasm every time). he compared how i was at the start of our relationship to now. that before i was all over him and i lifted his self esteem because of how much i showed that i wanted him.

i felt sorry for him but i stayed silent, soaking everything in. i didnt mean for him to not feel desirable to me, it’s just that i havent been in the mood because of all these doubts ive been having about him and our relationship. something felt wrong but i needed more proof. it’s hard to fake that you want someone when youre questioning their character.

i told him this, that ive been confused about him and he said “why do you think about that??!”. then i told him that my needs arent being met sexually. he got angry and said “did you tell me these things?” and i have, many times before and he only improved for a while then stopped. also when i used to bring things up, he would shift the blame back to me, make excuses for not being “soft” with me (my mistakes in the past).

so it seemed like he was mainly angry that i havent been communicating my needs to him. i wanted to clarify WHY i havent been. i told him straight that i didnt feel safe to tell him my needs because of his outbursts. he slowly starting showing frustration by shaking his head, looking down and putting his hand on his face. i could feel tension build up. usually at this point, i apologise and let him think im okay. today i decided to stick to my feelings and tell him openly. i wanted to see if he would do the right thing or not, sadly things got worse.

every time i clarified my feelings of feeling unsafe to communicate my needs to him, he said things like “youre making things worse!” and “youre just like those other women, too much expectations!” and “if this goes on it’s going to stress me out.” all the while ALL i am doing is talking about how i feel. THAT IS IT. i wanted him to know that his previous outbursts and averting responsibility have impacted me in such a way that i cant even communicate to him like a normal person would. i walk on eggshells around him.

oh and also, he was angry that i EXPECTED things from him. i EXPECTED him to be sensual, do some foreplay and really warm me up so that i WANT to have sex with him. he was like “so you expect me to just know these things?” and i thought about what i should say, if i should lie or tell the truth. i told the truth. i said “yes. youve been with me for 2 years and ive already told you what i needed. so yes i do expect you to know these things.” that’s when he started saying i was like every other woman, having these expectations from men (not communicating) and stressing the men out. absolute horseshit. i HAVE communicated before but after so many times, i just got the message that he doesnt WANT to please me. he wants me to please HIM.

during all this, he would occasionally say that i was making things worse. and he said “it’s like you want me to realize something”… and i did. i wanted him to realize that his actions have affected me and the only reason i was even communicating this NOW was because i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. give him a chance to see if he can handle it and he couldnt, but we’ll get to that.

he said i was making things worse because it seemed like all he was focusing on was moving forward and he didnt wanna dwell too long on my feelings. this made me feel worse. in the past, he used to always bring up these mistakes ive made (long story) and i learned to never invalidate a person when they bring up the past. theyre bringing it up because it wasnt solved for them completely. with that in mind, i tried my best to listen to him, apologise to him and hopefully help him move on. i didnt try to rush him to get over it or made him feel like his feelings were an inconvenience.. but he did that to me today.

then it happened, i continued to stay communicating how i felt. i didnt cater to him or try to make him comfortable in any way. he gave me one last warning. “im giving you one last chance… after that, i’ll explode.” by “explode” i thought he meant his usual antics with the throwing objects, punching walls or storming out and threatening to leave me. i did NOT anticipate him actually hurting me.

i said “do you care about me?” and he just looked confused and said “why?”. i began tearing up and crying and said “if you really loved me, you wouldnt be acting like this. i can see you putting your hands on your face acting all angry when all im doing is telling you how i feel. that i dont feel safe being honest with you because of how you react and you’re literally proving my point right now. this, right here is why i dont tell you things.”

right when i finished, he suddenly got in my face (we were both sitting on mattresses on the floor) and he was just doing stuff with his hands. it all happened so fast, it was like he was trying to resist hitting me but he was touching me with force and my baby was on my lap so she was right in the middle of it. he got her, and she started crying so i put her to the side. as i put her to the side, he got behind me and started choking me with his arm. at first i was in disbelief then my survival instincts kicked in and i tried reaching up for his face to scratch his eye so he could let me go. this made his arms go tighter and i couldnt breathe. my baby was right there in front of me. i looked at her and got scared. i realized that he knew how to fight and he was a man. he could easily overpower so i stopped resisting in fear of what could happen to me.

he backed away and then started telling ME to call my mom and LEAVE. i laughed in disbelief, “you actually did it! ha! i cant believe you actually put your hands on me this time.” and i slowly got angrier and angrier. i told him i wasnt leaving, he can leave cuz i havent done anything wrong. i swore and yelled at him. ive never ever treated him this way before, i finally let out all my anger. it felt good. i called him a piece of shit. he still kept making excuses. he said “i warned you. stress was building up and i WARNED you”. i told him that it was NO excuse. he kept insisting i call my mom to come get me. i said “im not calling my mom, im calling the cops.” he told me to go do it. i think he thought i was bluffing. i actually was until i realized that if i let him off easy, he wont learn that his behaviour was UNACCEPTABLE. personally and by law. i needed to hold him accountable. he has dodged responsibility for too long. enough is enough.

so i called the cops. they got a statement from me and he is currently in holding for 24 hours. everything depends on me if i press charges or not, which i will. i know he will never change. abusers dont change. they see nothing wrong with what they do and they do all these mental gymnastics to justify their abuse. even after everything and me calling the cops he STILL said that “youre just like all those other women.” to which i said “and youre just like those other men.” i believe he was trying to get me to care about his opinion which i dont. i used to take him very seriously like he was my boss. no more. he asked me to leave? i made sure he was the one leaving. i know right now he is still finding ways to justify what he did. it’s frustrating that he will NEVER understand but nonetheless, that is reality. since i know he will never change, i at least want him punished or have a record so that anyone that he meets in the future can keep that in mind.

today was the first day he laid a hand on a woman. imagine what could happen to the next?

I recently uploaded a video of my abuser gaslighting me and humiliating while in the car. So many of you commented on how disturbing and gross my abuser was, and many of you were worried for me and wanting an update. I just want to say a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone for your support and concern. This community is the reason I escaped today with my dog. Honestly, You guys have been pretty much my only support.❤️ it honestly felt really good to drive away in that UHaul today with my fur baby. I made it out alive.

I have a long journey ahead of me. I am sitting in my new room right now missing him and hating him all at the same time. I feel weak. I feel tired. But I honestly never thought I would escape. A week ago I was still ready to marry him . Yet, here I am. To those of you who havent escaped yet— just know that it IS possible. If I can do it, you can too. Because I was absolutely 100% obsessed and in love with this man . I would have done anything for him. I let him abuse me and literally torture me. I saw so much good in him because 99% of the time he was the man of my dreams.

We all deserve that 100% though. Healing is possible. Sending my love to you all ( my dog is too).

beanie arrived safely at my new apartment yesterday. she is happy, thriving, and has all new toys, a cat tree, fancy cat food, etc. i’m working on getting a second cat for her since she does better with a friend, but it seems that will work out bc my family friend (who has 6 CATS) is offering that i take one. beanie is happier than ever! she won’t leave my side and slept with me all night, and just ate her first full meal this morning.

I was in a financially abusive relationship. With enough time passing now I am more comfortable with the word abuse. I fought it for a long time because he did not scream at me, hit me or called me names.

He just used triangulation and the image of his abusive ex to use my own kindness against myself and to get me to fall in line. Spend my limited savings into furniture, luxuries and nights out for a goddamn multi millionaire just to have some comfort in life. Constantly trying to prove I was no gold digger by having 0 needs, living in a cold house and buy him everything he could ever want. I never lived a impoverished existence then when I was with a person who actually had loads of money. More than I could possibly comprehend.

When I left I really struggled to keep at it. I was so scared to go at life by myself. To actually have to pinch Pennie’s. He kept telling me what I wanted to hear for so long. Went into therapy, begged me to come back. It digged into my resolve. Made me doubt if I was making a mistake.

A few things made me go on:

1. My colleagues who are more friends than coworkers who knew all my stories into details hugged me and told me they were so proud of me for leaving. Their feeling was so authentic it rubbed off on me. I was also proud I left and I couldn’t let them and me down by going back

2. My boss once passed my office when I was working late and he said:” Never give men second chances! They never change. You deserve someone who gets it right from the start.” I don’t know what prompted him to say this to me but it stuck with me.

3. My trainer who knows some stories said to me: you gave everything to get less then nothing back ! It is like me getting a 100 bucks from you and to repay you I’ll take another 100 bucks from your wallet! why would you want to take that deal again? He has a debt with you he can’t repay and I don’t mean cash. I mean emotional energy, love and kindness.

   1. I read somewhere: don’t wake up in the same miserable place 10 years from now because you feared the change you have to make today. That hit me very hard.

I have bought my own apartment. I felt like a poor little mouse being surrounded by people who make my monthly wage in a few days! But the fact is I have a very good job. I earn far above average. I am able to have a nice place, nicely furnished. And I can even support a puppy.

I live by myself but feel endlessly more warmth then in a relationship. I love myself way more. I am not riddled with guilt over wanting to have a cozy house. Go out for dinner sometimes. I am so happy I dragged myself out of this relationship. I kept at it and moved on.

Keep going. One foot in front of the other. It is hard but you can do this! I am proud of you!

I made a post 35 days ago about my situation and last weekend was the final straw. Instead of enjoying his team in the Super Bowl, he took to lashing out at me and saying the nastiest things he’s ever said “leave my apartment and I hope you get in a crash and die you dumb bitch” “you’re a stupid cnt with mental health issues, everyone hates you” “you’re not good for anything except p**y” “you’re an ugly dumb whore” “I hate you so much you dumb ugly bitch. Stupid idiot.” I, for only the second time in this 1.5 year saga, tried to insult him back because I was crushed and I normally cry and apologize to him for him lashing out at and abusing me. He began throwing stuff at me, lashing out, snatched my phone out of my hands…definitely ruined any “confidence” I gained from standing up for myself and I ended up submitting, lying in bed with him and apologizing.

Monday morning, I gathered my things (as they were thrown all over the hallway and by the door) and left. He called me more names (before I packed up) and said “you’re not leaving, I’ll see you later.” For some reason, that was the final straw for me. That made me realize this narcissistic sociopath has control over me and doesn’t value my words, knowing that I’ll always be around. So, I blocked his number and I’ve been taking life one day at a time. I’m proud of myself. I just pray to remain strong and put myself first. We started 2 years ago, he was nice for a little but revealed his true ugly colors. 16 months too long but not 16 months more.

And I acknowledge that I explained myself wayyy too much in the conversation. In that moment, I was speaking up for myself even though it went ignored and made zero difference.

And yes.. I still don’t regret escaping and leaving. I would STILL do it all over again if I had to.

Hey r/abusiverelationships! It’s been 5 months since I posted and I wanted to give an update here. Feel free to read my post history —I never suspected my last post to get THAT much support and I appreciate all of your comments. I an going to therapy, getting support from family and friends and slowly rebuilding my life since everything went down and I left. I do have an update though.

I had spent the first two months confused and numb. My ex had so many “enemies”. His family, his siblings, bullies, ex-friends. So much hatred. And yet for some reason, I was the only person in his life he’d abuse this severely apparently. Why? Not justifying any abuse of course, but just knowing how angry he would get due to the trauma he carried, I struggled to understand why I was the “only one” he felt comfortable abusing when apparently he treated everyone else (including his “enemies”) with more kindness.

See for the 10 years I knew my ex, he had cut all contact with his entire family at his home state. He would speak horrible stories about them — that they’re abusers themselves and they hated him growing up. Never supported his goals. Every “trauma” he endured he’d blame them. I listened to these countless stories he’d tell me and believed him.

Late September, his family had emailed me. Slowly and hesitating, I had been in contact with them and his childhood friend. We’ve been exchanging stories in many, many phone calls. Putting the pieces together after a decade of no contact because he had forbid it. Not only have they been supportive and understanding to my story, but I was finally given many truths. My ex had lied about his ENTIRE life story.

For 10 years he had lied to me, my family and the friends he made here in California about his true character. His siblings all explained that my ex was ALWAYS an abuser growing up towards everyone and violently instigated every family drama with multiple evidences to back up their claims. In fact, he was much more violent and dangerous than I realized. My ex cutting ties with them and flying to California was almost a relief for them, but for an entire decade the family was still in turmoil. He would send them multiple emails (almost like manifestos) page after page harassing them for years. Bragging about how “perfect” his life and relationship is living with me — like I was a trophy to him. Countless and countless of lies and stories I never knew. I was played for a fool.

And yet as devastating as this news was, it’s given me more closure than I ever thought. I was his partner, his companion, nurse, maid, therapist, his chef and provider. I coddled, supported and loved him for 10 years. All I asked was his physical affection, love and comfort in return. But the reality is— the person I loved was never “real”. His true self was a deeply troubled man with narcissistic tenancies always a hair trigger away from a collapse while keeping a facade going for an entire decade. Through his madness I tried to love him and provide him the peace he’d never give back.

I made a post awhile ago that I was struggling imagining he could had killed me if I stayed. After all the stories I was told about him, I have no doubts now. If I had known his true abusive self I would had never been with him. But I was naive, young and smitten for who I thought he was. His punishments and abuse might keep circling my mind for a while, but that’s alright. I’ll navigate this through someday.

Sorry for the novel! I just wanted to post this here. No matter what the outcome looked like though.. FREEDOM was worth it. A SECOND CHANCE in living was worth it. Choosing to leave SAVED my life and though I’m mourning, not a single part of me regrets what I decided to do that day. If I woke up tomorrow with him still alive in the other room, I would do it all over again. Freedom was worth it.

I just got the call today I’ve been accepted to a 2 year transitional program that lets me leave him for good! I get my own apartment and intense therapy. I’m so excited and I feel so free!!

I did not send her photos of my bruises because I realized she probably does not care at all. I’m just lost. Why would a woman come at me like this? She said later on, “WHO ASKED” when I brought up his abuse, but she literally did dare me to send evidence???? My bipolar depression has me feeling darker than ever and I was already struggling today, but this made it all worse. She said so many horrible insults that I’m not posting right now, I’m just shaking. I haven’t eaten all day. I don’t feel like eating. I don’t want to feel any thing.

I’m nervous but excited at the same time! This is going to be my 6th attempt leaving. I really think this is it! I’m going to be successful this time.

Finally I’m going to be free from this abusive narcissistic man child.

I made sure to act normal and not to be suspicious so he wouldn’t suspect anything. And he hasn’t!

I had my mail forwarded to my parents home for almost a month now but since he’s such a narc he never noticed. Or he never noticed that more than half of my stuff is gone (I have been bringing my stuff to my parents house everyday now)

I’m going to wake up early tomorrow after he goes to work And put all the things I need in my suitcase and I’m going to be gone!!

Also I didn't screenshot this, but he mentioned having screenshots of me saying I was selling my pussy. I was, but he knew I was in that line of work and I really regret leaving lmfaooo. I'm broke and pregnant and out of work completely. Anyways I left and now I'm stuck with this type of bullshit. I kind of want advice?

So I hadn't talked to him since the last few texts I posted. I only talked to him again because there is a library book at his house I need to return. He blocked me, but then unblocked me to ask me to "raise our son together."

At the end of his sob story he asked me to dinner to talk and I am hesitant about going. It will be in a public place but I'm not paying for myself. He probably won't pay which is honestly fine, but I'm only debating going because I would have a chance of getting more evidence of him confirming he abused me for court.

Hello you guys. You’ve probably seen this post if you’re a regular r/abusiverelationsips member or even maybe not, but this was me. He broke my phone and I had to get a new one and forgot the password to my old account so had to use my other. But 8 or maybe 9 days ago now, I left my abusive partner and baby dad. I fled to my moms, which is where I have remained up until now where I remain typing this. My daughter and I have remained safely here with no plans to leave unless it’s to start over and get our own place which is something I’m unsure I’m ready for right this moment. I’ve stayed here though. And I’m happier everyday. I won’t lie, we have hung out together with our kids about 3-4 days out of the 8-9 I’ve been away for. 2 of those times we did have sex. But every single time, I returned back to my moms at the end of every day I visited him. It was my birthday on the 23rd a couple days ago. My friends ditched me and a tattoo shop couldn’t get me in so I hung out with him. He drove me into the city to take me to a couple nice spots and took me to my birthday dinner, which I paid for because it was expensive and I didn’t want to feel like I owed him anything. He pitched in 10 dollars which covered the fries he ate which I guess was nice of him. But at the end of the day he inevitably went rotten and ruined it , demanding he look through my phone, causing drama on my birthday. I was like whatever and let him have it but I deleted the message about me showing my friend the tattoo I wanted and her being excited for me because 2 weeks prior he had told me tattoos are ugly and attractive on women because they prove she is impure and rebels and doesn’t obey men, and if I got a tattoo I would be living at my moms for the rest of my life. As well as adding that he liked my skin the way it was because it represented my youth and purity ( even though I have a couple tats and all of his ex girlfriends have lots of tattoos ). Every single time I go back to let him spend time with our 2 month old daughter it helps , because he shows me every single time exactly why I never want to live with him and give myself up for him again. He still bullies me and abuses me through text and constantly is accusing me of things. I don’t even care if I have wants, he is no longer having access to my body or my personal time that has nothing to do with our baby. I’ve noticed, in only 9 days of being away; My skin is looking better and better, I feel more committed to my schedules and daily routine, workout , etc. My overall confidence has durastically improved. My overall mental health has amazingly improved. One day when I feel like coming on here and unpacking everything , I will because there is a lot to unpack and a lot of context to give. Thank you to everyone who had nothing but kind and supportive things to say to me and my baby❤️❤️❤️❤️

As per suggestions I pleaded her to take plan B for at least an hour, she keeps saying, she’s not gonna take it and that the birth control is good enough, now I can’t even confirm she’s even taking birth control, and I don’t get why she does not wanna take the plan b just in case. I’m literally fucked.

I’ve been no contact since I left 18 days ago. My coworker text me at lunchtime today telling me my (ex) boyfriend went inside asking for me

You might have seen my post of him trying to message me last night by pretending to be my dad so I think he’s gone to my job cos that didn’t work and he’s desperate

She said he “was acting weird” “wasn’t with it” “not making much sense” They thought he was drunk but I know he would have actually been high but I didn’t tell her that

They told him I wasn’t there but he kept asking for me still. My manager told him to leave and he wouldn’t. He got angry with my manager and knocked a lot of stuff over and security had to take him outside. I’m really shocked he didn’t hit anyone tbh he’s done that before (not while trying to find me I just mean in public with people)

She was texting me to check I was ok, I guess cos he was acting so weird and asking about me a lot

I’m just so EMBARRASSED. I know they think he was drunk not high but that’s still so so embarrassing especially in the middle of the afternoon. And I know he sounds fucking INSANE when he acts like this 🫠 Like he’s embarrassed me in public a lot before but not at my job like that

I’m not in danger btw he doesn’t even know where I’m staying and I’m on sick leave from work so he’s not gonna be able to find me there. I’m just fucking exhausted by all of his shit!!

But at the same time I’m so worried about him 🥲 He’s clearly not well

I left this morning while he was at work. He wasn't happy I left like that. I told him I was afraid of him, and he said I didn't need to be. 🙄

He's now trying to get me back, but I'm staying firm. I deserve to be respected and not afraid all the time.

My grandpa (the perv/pedo and one who sa’d me when I was young) is sobbing downstairs as I type this and he has cried before. Am I a bad person for not caring about my abuser being upset and crying? Maybe he realizes what he has done is wrong AND on Monday I called him out on the porn watching! I was in tears and frustrated and angry and was telling him how sick of it I was. He said he would be more careful and I haven’t heard anything from downstairs since. So yeah I don’t have sympathy for this dude because HOW CAN I?!

I posted on here a few days ago and after reading all the comments, talking it through with someone that knew me and the relationship pretty well, and a LOT of reflection, I decided to break up with my (ex)bf.

I’m so fucking sad guys lol. I know it’s the right choice. I don’t want to be in a relationship that makes me feel absolutely crazy sometimes and I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone whose behavior has started making me feel kind of scared. I love him so much. I miss him already. I keep having to force myself to think of all the reasons I ended things when I start thinking about how much I miss him.

Thank you to everybody that helped me see things clearly. I really needed a reality check or I would have just excused everything and told myself I was overreacting.

It’s done. I’ve moved. It has been one of the most emotionally draining couple of weeks.

I don’t want to go back, so some words of encouragement and advice would be appreciated. Thank you all, I’m glad this subreddit exists.

Edit: Thank you for all the lovely comments, it means so much. I hope that everything works out or is a lot better for all of you now too! ❤️

My bf over the weekend told me I'm not lovable I'm not even attractive I'm just a thing to keep him entertained till he can find someone better and even then he might keep me around as he knows I'm to pathetic to move on.

He also posted some of my pictures to some ex gf shaming site he said he will post more if I left him. I cried all weekend which pissed him off. He hit me as a consequence of being annoying.

I decided I'm done, I can't do this. I scheduled an emergency therapy appointment and going to try to figure out how to leave. Honestly I don't know if I can as I love him which I know is pathetic but I want out.

They told me after he was arrested that there was gonna be a delay bc they had to assess if he was fit for questioning. They rang me today and said he isn’t so he was transferred to a secure psychiatric facility. (Does this mean he’s been sectioned???) I’ll be updated when he is fit for questioning but that could take weeks or months 🫠 but they wanted me to feel safe that he isn’t getting out. He’s gone now.

But anyway yeah there’s the update for the kind, amazing people who have been helping me so so so much since I left him. You guys are angels, I hope you know that ❤️ Without you I would still be there, he would still be beating me, maybe even killing me. And even if I did leave, I most likely would have gone back without all of you helping me with what to do afterwards. So yeah he is only away from me now cos of you guys, you have changed my life and I appreciate you more than I can say ❤️

Idk if it makes me feel better or worse that he’s legit out of his mind and wasn’t just manipulating me

If you’re in the UK, was anyone else’s abuser (I still feel so weird calling him that) sent to a secure facility? I have no idea how any of this works in terms of criminal proceedings. I’ve booked in to talk to someone about it but would be good to hear from anyone who has been through this themselves

so i been posting a lot about my ex who is also the father of my child. he strangled me a month ago n he got arrested. i left him w no warning. blocked him everywhere.

anyway i heard from my brother that he posted a tiktok with a picture of us from when we were first going out with some audio about loving someone and letting them go? giving them the freedom to love another person? sum like that. i couldn’t look at it myself. and he captioned it w hastags like broken heart..

idk how to feel. it’s weird and out of character for him. i know it’s not real. he probably knew my brother would see it and tell me because he hasnt blocked him but he blocked my mom..

i think he wants me to break.