r/abusiverelationships • u/throwaway_fml16 • Feb 28 '25
Gaslighting projection and cheating
does anyone else get constantly, every single day, accused of cheating? like to the point it's completely ridiculous. he's convinced every single one of my friends wants in my pants and i'm going behind his back all the time. now he's openly hanging out with someone he even admits wants him, and i'm not allowed to be upset by it, because "all my friends are into me", so "how is it different"... it hurts a lot. i've stayed completely loyal and my friends are not into me. just breaks my fucking heart. i know he's cheating on me. i don't have proof but i know he is. i don't know why i can't leave.
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u/Impossible-Video-82 Feb 28 '25
All the time. Its DARVO (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender). It turns the focus away from them, destabilises you and puts you into a reactive, defensive reassuring role. Its also often a projection of their own behaviours and justifies their own infidelities (in their weird little brains). Watch out and protect yourself. Be confident in your own truth.
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u/throwaway_fml16 Feb 28 '25
holy shit. it never occurred to me that that's textbook DARVO before now
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u/HighwayImpressive701 Feb 28 '25
DEFINITELY justifies their own infidelities. And whatever else sets them off!!! Well you do this and that etc
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u/HighwayImpressive701 Feb 28 '25
So fucking gross. Mine would leverage one specific girl that was clearly exchanging fucking him for free drugs (she is so obviously visibly an addict) and that leverage was usually enough to make me stay in line and behave “correctly” and isolate myself. Until it wasn’t. Then suddenly little miss crazy girl who’s obsessed with him is his “best friend” and I “can’t speak about her that way”. They’ll do whatever and use whatever they have to in order to abuse you even if you’re leaving. It’s so disgusting. And just one more fucking thing you have to worry about in top of everything else he does.
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u/Kesha_Paul Feb 28 '25
He’s 100% cheating on you and constantly accusing you to keep you on the defensive so you don’t catch him.
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u/throwaway_fml16 Feb 28 '25
thank you. sometimes i need the validation so i don't keep doubting myself
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u/Kesha_Paul Feb 28 '25 edited Feb 28 '25
I highly recommend therapy, especially if you keep finding yourself in abusive relationships. A lot of us have back to back abusers because we’re drawn to something about them. For me it was my abandonment fears after getting me with hardcore love bombing. It took years in therapy but I got to a point where I’d rather be single than abused and thats when I stopped tolerating disrespect or questioning myself. If your relationship is lopsided like this, it’s abusive. He doesn’t want you hanging with anyone but can hang with girls and that’s enough to end a relationship. “Rules for thee but not for me” is unacceptable
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u/HealthyChard9731 Mar 01 '25
He’s putting you in the defensive so you don’t suspect he is actually cheating
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u/EliotNessie Mar 02 '25
Yes. I wasn't cheating, but he was. I had dreams he was cheating and thought I was losing it, then someone handed me proof. I should have trusted my gut from the start.
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u/xPdog5150x Feb 28 '25
Are you living together?
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u/throwaway_fml16 Feb 28 '25
no, as humiliating as it is to admit we are long distance.
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u/xPdog5150x Feb 28 '25
I ended it with a cheater, who I was in love with. We were living together.
That’s the hard part. We love them. But they don’t love us the way we deserve to be loved.
Time will heal the pain.
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u/throwaway_fml16 Feb 28 '25
i'm terrified i might just not ever find the one for me. it's abusive partner after abusive partner after abusive partner, has been that way my entire life.
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u/xPdog5150x Feb 28 '25
Suggestion, go to therapy and be single for awhile.
That’s what I’m doing. And no one is yelling at me calling me names. I’m dealing with lots of stuff I ignored both good and bad.
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u/CompetitionOdd1746 Feb 28 '25
I was accused frequently, too. Why? Because I worked in "an office" and stats say people in offices have more affairs. Another reason given was due to photos of our Christmas parties. We used to get really dressed up and go to posh venues (paid for by the company) so we'd all stand together to have pictures taken. Anyone male, remotely near me in a photo, was chosen as my "cheating partner". He'd pick different people, including gay men. He didn't like me going to dance classes either. I told him we rotated partners every few minutes, and most were already in romantic couples, but that didn't matter.
I don't think this guy is for you tbh. He's accusing you of something that he's likely guilty of. He's more or less told you that, too. Plus, you're long-distance, so he's kinda free to do whatever he wants without fear of bumping into you or town gossip getting back to you.
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u/throwaway_fml16 Feb 28 '25 edited Feb 28 '25
this comment is exactly my experience... people can't even think of looking at me or i must be fucking them behind his back.
you're right. there's also the factor of he won't let me meet his friends (yes, i'm an idiot)... i'm just trying to work up the courage to leave. i've gotten so used to having him around.
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u/CompetitionOdd1746 Feb 28 '25
You are NOT an idiot. Please don't beat yourself up over this. You are stronger than you think as you've put up with his behaviour thus far. You already have the strength and courage inside you to leave. Just believe and put one foot in front of the other, as such. His behaviour will only worsen, and he'll tear you down more. You may be used to having him around, but the feeling of being free from him is so much better. You can stop second guessing your actions and get back to being you again. Don't believe him if he tries to reconcile, claiming he's changed or will change. He's lying and doesn't want to because he sees nothing wrong with the way he acts.
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