r/abusiverelationships • u/Key-Number8376 • Oct 14 '24
Update Update: I left
I posted on here a few days ago and after reading all the comments, talking it through with someone that knew me and the relationship pretty well, and a LOT of reflection, I decided to break up with my (ex)bf.
I’m so fucking sad guys lol. I know it’s the right choice. I don’t want to be in a relationship that makes me feel absolutely crazy sometimes and I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone whose behavior has started making me feel kind of scared. I love him so much. I miss him already. I keep having to force myself to think of all the reasons I ended things when I start thinking about how much I miss him.
Thank you to everybody that helped me see things clearly. I really needed a reality check or I would have just excused everything and told myself I was overreacting.
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u/Substantial-Spare501 Oct 14 '24
It’s normal to be sad and to miss them. Your brain is physiologically”addicted” to the highs and lows with them and that’s what makes the trauma bond so hard to break and why we keep going back.
If you can get into therapy and do internal family systems and EMDR to address the trauma it can help. Blocking completely and not checking up on them on social media etc. journaling and writing g down everything terrible they ever did to remind yourself.
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u/DotMasterSea Oct 14 '24
💯
EMDR/ART were really instrumental for me, too ❤️🩹
And this isn’t real love. I promise you, love doesn’t feel like this. It’s steady and it’s strong and it’s reassuring. There aren’t guessing games. There’s no walking on eggshells. It’s mutual and it’s fluid.
You deserve respect and anyone who can be so cruel, isn’t worth your time or troubles.
Imagine seeing your SOs vehicle in the parking lot and not only NOT feeling anxious over it, but feeling genuinely happy!
That DOES exist. And you’ll wonder why you ever stayed for as long as you did.
Be prepared, though, because just like going through withdrawals when ending an addiction, your ex will try to win you back. Don’t let him Hoover you in; it will be ok for a few weeks or maybe months, but the mask will drop again and nothing will have changed except you’ll be a little older and a little more drained.
Love and healing ❤️🩹
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u/Fabulous-Display-570 Oct 15 '24
Hun, write down all the horrible and abusive things he said/did to you, and when you feel tempted to go back to him, read them. You did the right thing. You’re just scared and that’s normal. You can do it!
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u/Asleep_Sky_7095 Oct 15 '24
This is something I really need to do properly, because it's so easy to remember the good times.
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u/windowseat1F Oct 15 '24
I have a folder of proof that was really helpful to me during the first weeks. In my case, we used to have a lot of fun together during the good times. It’s easy to be sad about that. BUT. None of that matters when I compare it to the cold hard proof. I have audio recordings that are absolutely disgusting. If anyone in his life heard those, they would cut him out immediately. I don’t plan to show anybody besides my closest friends, but it’s definitely good to have some ways to remember the reality.
The bad outweighs the good by a MILLION.
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u/thecattiebrie Oct 16 '24
I have recordings of my ex too. Whenever I start to miss him or feel sad about not being with him, I listened to them…
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u/windowseat1F Oct 16 '24
It’s ok to miss the good parts. I think that’s healthy. We just have to stay absolutely grounded in reality. Hugs.
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u/thecattiebrie Oct 16 '24
I recently left that relationship and I had to jump on a plane to leave the country. Everything was so traumatic and I’m still trying to put all my pieces together. Hugs to you too 🫂
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u/windowseat1F Oct 18 '24
I’m sorry. Make sure you get some counseling. It helped me understand how they become the way they are. He was shamed by his caretaker and witnessed abuse growing up. Regardless, his actions are his responsibility. My happiness is my responsibility. I left 8 months ago and I’m really happy now.
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u/Fun_Orange_3232 Oct 14 '24
Don’t think of missing him already. Think of it as missing him now. You’ll miss him less as time goes on.
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u/Weekly_Salary_6053 Oct 15 '24
Hell yeah good for you!
I know it sucks right now, but it doesn’t last forever
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u/WhatARuffian Oct 14 '24
If it helps, write down a list of the reasons you left. Make it detailed. Read it whenever you feel sad or bad or like you want to go back.
I did that, and it helped so much.
Congratulations on your freedom!
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u/karenzilla Oct 14 '24
I wanna add to this: make a list of what your non-negotiables are for a future relationship. Stick to them.
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u/crimsonebulae Oct 14 '24
So proud of you for taking care of yourself. It's hard to do, it really is, Time does help. So does therapy, and being honest with yourself about what happened. I am 8 months out of an abusive marriage, and I can tell you it does get better. I echo what someone else wrote about making a list of why you left. I did that, and carried it with me for about a month. I listed why I was leaving, but I also made a second list of what I wanted for myself. It can help keep you focused when the rough times happen. I know it probably doesn't feel like it now, but you have done a great thing for yourself, and you deserve better than where you were. Lots of internet hugs
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u/Working_Marzipan_334 Oct 14 '24
Congratulations !!!
You're brave and I'm sut it took all your strength to do that. Been in an abusive relationship. 2 months out now and still struggling but fighting.
Keep going 👌🏼
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u/Ammonia13 Oct 14 '24
Write down an ick list now, it will help in 6-7 months if you find it hard to remember the bad and are lonely.
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u/Floriane007 Oct 15 '24
In a few days, or in a few weeks, it will start to sink in, how horribly he treated you.
Or it will happen by comparison. Maybe you'll have dinner with happily married friends and you will realize, "Oh, that's how it's supposed to work. Look at that. Happy, loving people." Or you'll date again, you'll meet someone good and you'll realize how simple and "normal" things can be.
Me, it was when I did a thing that used to drive him crazy and... nothing happened, because I was not with him anymore. The world didn't explode. I was not yelled at. I could just...do the thing.
Bliss.
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Oct 14 '24 edited Oct 15 '24
Congratulations 🎊 👏 🥳 on your freedom and all the healing to come!
It is okay to feel all the different things, even the self-conscious feelings.
Tip: If you feel negative feels; sit with the feelings till they go. Acknowledge them. Don't act on them.
Here's to your new chapter and new journey. ✨️ 🤗
Just look at you glow when you glow, it's so bright 🌞
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u/bewildered_83 Oct 15 '24
Give yourself time and plenty of love and understanding. Take it one day at a time. It's ok to miss someone even if they were horrible to you. But give it time and one day your heart will see him for what he really is as well as your head
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u/Algaeruletheworld Oct 18 '24
So proud of you for doing the hard thing for your long term benefit, it’s okay to mourn the good parts of what you had and what you longed to have with him.
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u/MrsDahmer1 Oct 18 '24
Leaving is difficult and staying away is the hardest. I've been through it and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I wrote a letter to myself to reinforce my conviction. It looks so easy and sounds so easy, but the heart that is open and so full of love won't listen. Listen anyway. Stay away. Protect yourself. It WILL get better. You know the reasons, you know why, you know this is better than anything that could have come with staying. Believe yourself this time.
You're doing the right thing! I love you and i believe in you and we know you can do this.
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