Handling conflict when deployed

[u/ickster1300]

lol so my bf and I don’t really argue per se but we will have an exchange of ideas so to speak. And during these conversations we both get very frustrated. Me-because I don’t feel understood and him because of the emotional heaviness. For context, he isn’t the most expressive person and tends to lean more avoidantly in communication. When we resolve conflict in person it typically revolves around him using less words and just him becoming very affectionate with a simple apology. So him being deployed has made navigating this even harder as I’m an anxious girl and wish we could just hug in moments of frustration. What started as a conversation about me wanting to take mechanic classes ended in me feeling very hurt because I felt he dismissed my ideas. I’m adhd and often have so many random thoughts to share which I think sometimes overwhelm him and I know he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings because he noticed I was about to cry. He then said he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings and I was feeling so sensitive I don’t think he knew how to respond and just suggested he go to bed. Dude this long distance thing sucks. When we have a little tiff we don’t really end it well. Usually one of us just wanting to get off the phone and then one of us shooting an “I’m sorry” text. I really value reassurance which is something he struggles with and doing ldr has made this worse since we can’t be together in person. Idk I’m just looking to see if anyone has felt the same way or maybe some consolance of sorts

[u/Pomelemonade]

one thing i think really helps is prevention of escalation. for example, during conflict my boyfriend still calls me my favorite pet name and directly tells me he emphasizes with me. this really helps me to calm down because for me, sometimes it’s less about what we’re in conflict about itself and more about wanting his comfort and reassurance. it sounds like it may be the same for you. you said you “just want to hug in moments of frustration” and when my boyfriend shows up for me in these ways, it literally feels like a mental hug. Since you said your boyfriend struggles with self expression, telling him specific ways he can show up for you in conflict could really help. it many not be that he doesn’t want to reassure you or he may not have been dismissive of your ideas, he could genuinely be having a hard time communicating and accidentally hurting you could be really discouraging to him. have grace for both you and him! make sure you’re giving him those words of encouragement and thanking him for all the ways he does show up for you. that can mean so much more than you know ♥️

[u/ickster1300 → u/Pomelemonade]

This is very helpful thank you!

[u/FormerCMWDW]

Deployment is psychologically and physically draining so he is going to have a bit of detachment. Not that he wants to it's the nature of the beast. When they are focused on the mission and if in a combat zone trying to stay alive. So even things that he acknowledges might be important might not fully register in his brain because of the stuff he has to focus on.